Tuesday, December 20, 2005
It's not with anyone new...so don't get worried there. In fact, I have known this person for a long time but had lost touch with them about the 5th or 6th month after I started dating Ronan. I did see glimpses of them here and there but never made any time to really connect or have much of a conversation with them.
It wasn't until about 2 weeks before I broke up with Ronan that I recognized this person while at the movies with my friend Anna. As the movie played out...I could hear this person talking and immediately recognized the voice. This was a major factor in my decision to break up with Ronan.
Now...I don't want to hear any sharp gasps or even thoughts that you think I would have cheated on Ronan with this person. In fact...you will be shocked to find out that the person I am talking about is none other than Myself.
Yes...it's true. I am talking about ME.
Since I've been single again I have been thinking a lot about what happened in my relationship with Ronan and why things went so sideways. I have come to discover it was because I wasn't always true to myself in my relationship with him. In order to get back to feeling better, I decided that it was high time I took myself out on a date and got to know me once again.
So it started out pretty casual...a walk down to the local Mega Bucks for my new hot drink of choice....Steamed Apple Cider (plain). I then walked towards English Bay but decided against walking the seawall as that would only remind me of Ronan and our evening walks...so I chose to walk up Davie St instead.
I walk past several cafes, interesting people and some dogs. It's a cold night, but a clear one, so I continue walking. Pretty soon I'm in Yaletown and I remember this neat little cafe and billiards place I used to like to go to. So off I go to The Soho and grab the last available pool table.
6 Games of solo- pool and 2 glasses of wine later I was feeling pretty good. I was 100% comfortable being by myself and playing pool and though I wondered about the appropriateness of the 2nd glass...the wine was very tastey and worth the $12.00 I spent on it.
On my walk home I ran into 2 guy friends of mine who were out and about and sat with them for a bit to visit. I told them that I was on a date with myself and they both agreed that I was being terribly rude to my date by sitting with them. And they were right...the night was about me! Hugs and kisses later I walked back to my Spanish Abode.
Upon arriving at the door to my actual apartment, I took a moment to think about how my ME time had gone. I was so charmed by myself that when I got inside my place, I took advantage of myself and decided it was time to get to know another thing in my life that I had put away for the ENTIRE time I dated Ronan.
That's right....I brought out the thing that goes BUZZZZZ in the night!
The next day I couldn't stop smiling as I went to work.
It's good to date me again...I'm fabulous.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Alright I know…I’ve been remiss in keeping this up to date. I promise a bit more follow through.
Alright…this is it for today.
Monday, November 21, 2005
I figure I have 3 key areas of my life that I need to focus my attention on so that I will once again feel more settled and happy.
* I vow to go to the gym 4 days out of 7.
I don't have to go on 4 consecutive days...but in a 7 day period (typically from Sunday - Sunday) I must go at least 4 times to the gym.
* I vow to walk to the seawall (all 10K of it) on one day of my weekend provided that it is not raining heavily. I have a rain jacket...I can use that if it sprinkles/showers. If it's pouring down rain...I will give it a pass. My goal is health...not pneumonia
*I vow to join a Kundalini Yoga class once more. Further more...I vow to NEVER blow this class off for ANYONE! This class will be MY class. This is something I need to do for myself and I will not compromise this for anyone.
*I vow to cook more of my own meals and to bring my lunch to work every day except Fridays. Friday will be my treat day to eat out at The Salad Loop. (yummy garlic beans)
*I vow to eat my food more slowly...to really chew and enjoy my food and not wolf it all down in 5 minutes.
*I vow to be kind to myself. This means not calling myself names or getting down on myself when I make an error.
*I vow to live in the moment. This means letting go of the past and not worrying about what people think.
*I vow to buy myself flowers...at least 10 large gerberra daisies once a month.
*I vow to get up early every day to style my hair, do my make up and face the world with class.
*I vow to give more hugs, compliments and kisses.! Well...for now my kisses are reserved to my two gorgeous nephews.
*I vow constantly pursue my own sense of self worth and beauty. This means getting better acquainted with my body.
*I vow to read one non-fiction book in between fiction books.
*I vow to learn another language. Spanish! New classes begin in Jan.
*I vow to take in more shows at the Art gallery, more Live Theatre and more Live Music.
*I vow to learn about the wines I enjoy so much by attending wine tasting around town.
This is just the beginning. Feel free to add any suggestions. Remember that it has to be inspiring and it has to not harm anyone.
Lovey Dovey Kwerkie.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
I'm sure you are all wondering where the hell I've been for the last month or so. The answer to that is simple...I was hiding from you all. Yes, it's true. I even considered retiring The Single Files due to all the comments that I took far too personally. I'm a sensitive chicky...some comments hurt.
HOWEVER! I can't blame anyone but myself for that. When I started this whole thing off I knew that I was writing some pretty intense stuff and so much of it so honestly and openly that it was only a matter of time before my feelings were hurt. And so la - it happened.
I will continue on with The Single Files and it is unlikely that I will be able to change my open way of writing or sharing...I will just learn to deal with the comments in a better way. This is not a plea for those of you who do comment to stop commenting nor am I asking you to cushion your comments. Don't change, you are wonderful the way you are.
I have broken up with Ronan. It has taken me a while to do that and even longer to post about it, but there it is...done. I'm not going to get into the nasty details of it all. Suffice to say that there was something about camels, straws and a broken back.
I am still feeling blue about it. I am sure that made the right decision and I know that at the end even he knew that we were not a good enough match. It doesn't deminish the hurt...there was a lot of love there at one point. Sadly, love was not enough.
So now that I am single again I will; of course, be getting a hair cut. Yes..a hair cut. I have just managed to grow my lovely locks back again and now I must once more chop them off. I am the Sampson of dating. My hair gives me special dating powers so in order to fully recoup from my broken heart I must chop my hair off and start again.
I am confident that by the time my locks are once more lengthy enough for full on Kitten status I will be once more ready to venture out into the dating world. Until that time...I am on a very serious journey of getting back to ME!
The First Step of the Journey To Me required me to update The Single Files.
For the next little while The Single Files will be a reflection on me being Single...not dating...but facing the every day issues as an active participant in my own life and happiness. This might make for some mundane posts, but I believe that there will be some wisdom and good ol' fashion mental health benefits in there - something which I know I can use right about now.
I believe that in order to focus on this whole process properly...that it will be necessary to make a Loving List. Something that I can look at, work towards, and put into action EVERY DAY to improve myself on 3 key levels. 1) Physical Health. 2) Emotional Health. 3) Intellectual Health.
Alright...off now to compose The Kwerkie Lovey List.
Dan - I have not forgotten about you and was very pleased to see your link on here. I haven't been reading very much but vow to start my regular viewing habits once more. Congratulations on the new post and I will share my reactions on here for you to see :).
Monday, October 31, 2005
"You look so good for your age".
The words hung in the air and I sprouted 3 grey hairs as they clung there for dear life.
So good for my age?? Is she fucking kidding me?? I never thought *I* would be the one to say this but..."Kids these days!" Jayzus! I'm 31 I'm not 61!
I have fallen into a bit of a slump the 2 weeks before my birthday. I guess that I am feeling like I AM getting a bit old. I can actually start to hear my biological clock...it's not a nice sound. It used to be a polite "tick tick tick" in the back of my cerebral cortex...now it has moved it's way to the forefront of my brain with a slightly anoying "Tick tick tick".
It gets even louder when I see my nephews but especially when I hold them. Then its more like a phreaking BOOM than a tick. But once the little ones squirm too much or cry too loudly then the BOOM retreats into a fainly audible "psst psst psst".
Oh who knows...I waffle back and forth on the kid issue. Would I like them? Maybe with the right guy and definitely at the right time. Now is not that time...and if I'm 38 and still haven't found all the elements in place...then I guess I will get some puppies instead - at least they don't talk back!
I have begun to find new things in my life to foucs on. I still love my job and I am actually beginning to think more and more about how I can do more things in the office. I would really like to have more involvment with the advertisement and promotional stuff. Right now Simone does a lot of that sort of stuff and I get the impression from her that she doesn't enjoy it so much. Besides that...she's so phreakin' busy that she doesn't have time for it! So I'd love to learn and take that stuff over.
Also...I can see where this company can grow if we just changed a few of our "set" ideas. There was talk about doing up another Festival and I think that it would be a good time to set the ball in motion for that. I am actually looking at this as where I want to go wtih my CAREER not just how can I feel good about my JOB. There is a difference I think between a Career and a Job. I'd like the first option please.
I think these are signs of maturity. That's nice. I guess I had to start maturing at some time. 31 might be the magic number!
Ok...more another time.
Friday, October 21, 2005
One of my all time fantasies has been to have sex on my desk in the office. I had the most delicious dream about it the other night and I just feel compelled to share.
In my dream I was meeting Ronan to pick up some things from my office before heading out of town. I was wearing a very short skirt (VERY SHORT!!) and a low cut top. My hair was perfectly coiffed (this is how you can tell it’s a dream….my hair is NEVER perfectly coiffed unless I just stepped out of the salon…and even then it has a “perfect” life span of about 30 minutes) and my make up was sexy and sultry…in a word….I looked HOT!
I walk through the centre of the office trying to find the materials I came to collect when the next thing I know Ronan comes up behind me, puts his arm around me neck to pull me closer to him and he begins to kiss and nuzzle some more at my ears. I am having difficulty standing up and lean back into Ronan and his kisses. His hands are busy running under my shirt and over my breasts.
Half pulling half pushing me, he circled around me groping and kissing and moving me forward. I didn’t know where his hands or mouth would move next. I bump into something solid…my desk. I am pushed back onto my desk as his fingers begin to stroke and slide around my thighs. He kneels before me and I lay back on my desk as his tongue probes the sudden wetness between my legs. I am moaning and groaning with delight.
His tongue flicks smoothly over and over my clit and I am squirming with pleasure. I am desperately trying to keep quiet. The pleasure and pressure builds…I’m writhing uncontrollably and somehow manage to move my shoulder onto my stapler.
“Yes” I moan.
“Click” the stapler replies.
“Ohhh yes, right there” I sigh.
“Click, crunch click” the stapler responds.
“Click click crunch clack click crunch” the stapler is urging me on.
“CACHUNK” the stapler demands.
“Click Click CLACK”
“CACHUNK CACHUNK CACHUNK”.
“mmmmmmmmmmmmm….thank you”. I manage after my release.
“click” the stapler politely chirps back.
Ronan eases me up from my desk and kisses me deeply. I can taste myself on him and this only heightens my arousal once more. I return the kiss deeper and more forceful. Ronan will not succumb to my attempt at dominance and instead puts both is hands on my shoulders urging me downward to his already exposed hardness.
I needed no further encouragement. I felt so excited at doing something so dangerous. I was aware of the voices in the next office and knew that at any moment we could be discovered by the cleaners. This knowledge made me freer, less inhibited and I knelt down and began to tease him with the tip of my tongue.
At the first touch of wetness Ronan sucks in his breath. When I take him all in my mouth he lets it out with a whispered “Fuck yeah”. With one hand I grab his hands and put them at the back of my head…I wanted to be dirty…I wanted to be bad…I wanted him to fuck my mouth.
Lacing his fingers through my hair Ronan grabs a hold of my head and doesn’t disappoint me. He knew how far he could go. Ronan is not a small man by any means and taking him all in my mouth is a challenge to say the least. I did the very best I could and grew even more excited at the sounds and ragged breath coming from his lips.
He pulled me up from my knees, kissed me hard on the lips…I could feel them swell from the collision. He spun me around nearly violently and hoisted my skirt up to my hips.
I am bent over my desk, knees slightly bent to give him better access and he as he plunged inside of me and we both cried out with pleasure. And then there is nothing for it. My face is inches from my stapler and we are fucking like rabid dogs on my desk. Long hard deep strokes, with every thrust I knew I was closer to the edge. My hands are steadying me against the desk and I begin to feel the heat curl up from my toes. My cries are muffled as best as I can. As I cum I slam my hand down on the stapler harder and harder until there are 9 bent and glinting pieces of metal in a tiny pile of orgasmic bliss.
Ronan is still thrusting and I could tell he was close…and then…and then the unthinkable happened….the Cleaners arrived! We both heard them banging their equipment as they got out of the elevator down the hall. Ronan jumped off, pulled his pants up and shirt down while I also quickly gathered myself together, swiftly stowing my G-string in my purse. Thank GOD I was wearing a skirt!
A quick double check by both of us and we nodded to each other. Ronan turned on the lights as I gathered up the materials I needed for my trip. The cleaners arrived at the door just as Ronan opened it. We both smiled at the cleaner…our faces flushed and my knees wobbly. A friendly hello was exchanged between the 3 of us and then Ronan and I were off….down the elevator and into the basement both of us bursting with laughing.
It was only after I woke up from my dream that I realized how very selfish it all was. Ronan has always been keen about giving me “Kwerkie only” nights of passion and here it manifested itself into dream.
Now whenever I look at my stapler at work…I feel a deep blush in my cheeks and a deep heat between my legs.
I have new respect for the guy in Office Space. After a dream like that I don't want to lose my stapler either.
I have new respect for the guy in Office Space. After a dream like that I don't want to lose my stapler either.
And on one more funny note....printed in happy letters on the face of my stapler are the words "Bates 550". Oh my!
And on one more funny note....printed in happy letters on the face of my stapler are the words "Bates 550". Oh my!
Monday, September 26, 2005
in the face of popular opinion....I do not feel the need to justify my relationship with Ronan (as bizarre as it may seem to some) to anyone.
I think I need to remind my readers of the caveat I put in my first posting though which I suppose ought to be at the very forefront of my blog. There are LOTS of fictions in this blog...there are lots of truths too. You'll have to figure out on your own which is which.
For all the commentators....I'd like to assure you that I love reading what you have to say. I might not agree with what you post...but it's obvious that you don't agree with all that I post as well. I am still waiting for Giermo to come in and write something absolutely biting, scathing and sarcastic on the "Life's a Gas" post.
Poopey issues aside...I know that you only hear one side of the story from me and you must remember 3 things: 1) that there are TWO sides to every story, 2)I tend to exaggerate beyond reason and finally 3)....I'm not called KWERKIE for nuthin'. I have my own special kind of weirdness that I bring to a relationship. (poor bastards!).
Currently I am feeling very happy. The sun is out, the leaves are falling and autumn is truly my favourite season. I love the very smell in the air. I wonder if it is because my birthday is in the autumn that I feel such an affinity with it or it is just one of those things that is ingrained in me.
Tomorrow I have a shoot out at the O’ Kwerkie Korral with my family. There are some issues to be discussed between my siblings, their spouses and myself. In all of this my Mum has been the steady and rational voice...which will shock and amaze most of you as she is normally the one with the LOOPIEST ideas and "observations". It is for this rare showing of calmness that I've recruited my Mum as mediator.
I am making spaghetti for dinner. I wonder if my brothers will get the irony of that choice of meal. When we were growing up we were very poor and Mum made spaghetti with ketchup (yucky) for dinner most nights. I guess you do what you have to to feed your family on a budget that was tighter than a cat's ass!
I am not going to use ketchup as the sauce so don't fret. It will be spaghetti with my own veggie sauce. No ground beef as.....my sister in law Delilah is pregnant...AGAIN.
Yes that is right. Noah has turned 1 and my brother and his wife decided that they missed having a 'baby' around so they are due to have another one in the last week of May of 2006. If they have a girl they will be the most perfect nuclear family. I think that thought might actually kill me...until I remember that I don't like radiation.
Ah well. I'm not as jealous as that might read. I do wish I could have a family of my own someday and I believe that is in the cards for me. I just need to have a bit of patience.
In the mean time...the sun is STILL shining, the air is crisp and refreshing and the smell of the leaves makes me warm and tingly inside.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
So things with Ronan and I have been very tumultuous. One minute we are kittens and puppies and the next we are fighting like cats and dogs. It's hard on me and my state of general well being and I hate the emotional yo-yo.
Tonight we were out on a date. On the walk home we are chatting happily about this and that and then...due to unfortunate circumstances and cuisine...I pass gas. This isn't the first time I have let one out in front of Ronan. We have been together for 7 months now and I think I may have farted in front of him less than a dozen times but all in the last month or so.
Ronan DEFINITELY has body issues. He refuses to admit that he has to go to the bathroom for a bowel movement. Instead he tries to disguise it as a 'shower'. This basically means that he runs the shower with very hot water while he takes a shit leaving the bathroom a very hot, sweaty and stinky place. It actually reminds me of this disgusting bathroom I had to use while on a road side stop in
The first time we spent 24 consecutive hours together I had to 'do a #2' at his place. This wasn't something I was particularly comfortable with...but I am human and I know that we ALL pass waste through natural and NORMAL bodily functions. I’m a regular sort of gal…I wasn’t going to hold it and have it all back up.
This was a horrible to Ronan. He could NOT get over that I used his bathroom to "do that!". I'm sorry...I didn't realize that I had to leave his apartment and walk 3 blocks to the nearest public toilet at the Pizza Hut down the street.
He is completely upset that I farted in front of him tonight. I have tried to explain to him that I am HUMAN and not some sort of phreak that just farts at will. Still he is not comforted. In fact...he's extremely upset and claims that I have a considerable lack of respect for him if I could 'do that' in front of him.
Right now...even as I type....he is in my bathroom with the shower running. Does he think that I am THAT stupid to believe that he is having a shower???? NO. He is clearly taking a shit and using the shower to try to hide the fact that he has to go to the bathroom.
I am tired of trying to be someone I am not. I am tired of him thinking that women should never admit to having a bowel movement EVER or worse...fart!!!!
Now I want to be clear here. It’s not like I’m lifting up one leg, aiming my ass a him and letting one rip. It’s not like I’m pining him down and farting on his head, nor it it something I’m pushing out with great force and effort. These are the ones that escape before you can get to the bathroom or just sort of sneak up on you. These are the farts that come from eating spicy foods and rumble around in your tummy causing you pain that you simply must let go. It’s not like I’m PLANNING on farting or doing it on purpose for any reason.
When is it OK to fart in front of your partner? Ever or Never? If I can't be 100% comfortable with someone and experience all the normal bodily functions that occur with my lover WITHOUT them phreaking out...then I don't want to be with that person in a relationship.
Aren't we supposed to accept each other including all our faults and foibles? Doesn't Ronan know that I am human like him? Does he think its "normal" to hide the fact that you need to go to the bathroom??? Or worse...hold it for abnormal amount of time because you are too embarrassed or self conscious to use a public toilet….even to take a pee????
There was all this grandiose talk of getting married and having kids at one point. What does he think happens in the delivery room? Am I to try and pretend that having babies is not a bloody and messy piece of work? 97% of women defecate during delivery. This is not an event that they wish to transpire...it just happens with pushing out a baby. I am sure that if he thinks that the mere passing of intestinal gas is highly inappropriate, disrespectful and indeed SOOOO offensive...then clearly having a baby would be beyond a insult!
The shower is still going and I have just heard the toilet flush....he must be done his 'shower'.
More on stupid fear of natural functions later.
Kwerkie - mad as shit!
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
So Ronan and are back at the beginning again. I don't want to go on too much about it as I have been reading my past entries realizing only now just how much I complained. Instead...I wish to focus on another beginning in my life.
I have been given MORE responsibility at work. Yes that's right...despite my rather large mistake at work I have finally been forgiven. I am staying in Vancouver and I will be taking on such arduous tasks as doing ALL the sales call, ALL the trade shows and running our smaller Festival. I am still expected to do about 20 groups though to be honest my personal goal would be closer to 25 groups along with the organizing of the Festival.
I am also beginning a new regime at the gym. It's true...more intense, more cardio and more sticking to my diet. I am feeling rather portly today and depsite the small comfort that my size 14s still fit...I am not happy with the distrubution of my weight. So I need to get down to business and sort this body out! To be honest...it's been since I've seen Lady K 2 weeks ago that this has been plagueing me. She looks soooo good! I would like to try to improve my health as well.
Another beginning will be this blog. I know that the statement seems a bit odd as how can I begin something that I started a year ago...but I am going to make more efforts to be clearer in my writing and to get back my style once more.
The last few months have certainly been sparse on the posting front and most of it is just complaining whiny crap!
Soooo...out with the old garbagee of complaints on on again to the new fresh ideas.
I have noticed a few projects that have never been completed. 1) the rest of the monologues haven't made an appearance. 2) the Dating Citations/Fines have yet to be fully complied and explained and lastly....the Dating Rules themselves have been trapped in my mother's computer for far too long. I have demanded their relase! Chuck Norris is in negotiations right now.
Ok my lovies....more quality soon!
Friday, August 26, 2005
Ronan and I have had the largest fight of our relationship...though I use that word very loosely.
I can not keep having the same discussions with him over and over again.
I am waiting for my Mum to arrive and take me over to Ronans now where I will be collecting all of my stuff and heading back to my place to cry my eyes out.
The one thing I am focusing on right now is that Love just might not be enough.
I have been complaining about him for a while on here...and despite me talking to him about what it is I need from him to be in a happy relationship...it just doesn't seem to be happening.
This might be the best for us...to end it now and just move on. This sucks. I hate how much this hurts.
*******One week later****
OK...I have been through the emotional wringer as it were.
Ronan and I have fought, cried, yelled, swore and even said some nasty things to each other. We were both bawling like babies...it has been a very hard thing to bear.
The bottom line is this: I actually do love him very much and he loves me...we are trying very hard to make things right.
Back to kittens and puppies...how long will that last?
We talked and talked and talked...so much that I think I was going to go hoarse at one point.
The racist comments - he sees those as blowing off steam and admits that they sound terrible and are mean and nasty and he doesn't know why he says them as he doesn't believe in them.
The homophobia - he admits that he doesn't know any gay people and that the thought of 2 men having sex with each other turns his stomach. I told him that he didn't have to think about the guys being physically intimate with each other but that it is more about accepting people as PEOPLE and not defining them by theis sexuality.
How strange is that concept? To judge someone based on something so private that doesn't even concern you? Odd.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
I was talking with Giermo last night and I have to agree with his comments from last post that I probably don't put enough details in here to paint the picture as clear as possible.
I also happen to agree with Tinfoiled and Tracey that if we make fun of those around us and say it's not racist/homophobic or how about just plain MEAN that we are fooling ourselves. If we don't draw the line somewhere then how can we tell if we've crossed it?
Here is what I see happening with Ronan and I.
He is less and less intimate with me. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. Physically -I am not sure when it happened, but he has completely forgotten where all my buttons are. Can he really expect me to be turned on just because he's feeling horny? What ever happened to KISSING??? How about a little foreplay??
Emotionally - well...I just don't feel like we are close anymore. I think that we've gotten into this habit of spending every night with each other and it doesn't seem to mean anything anymore. I've mentioned to him that I no longer feel special to him...it is compounded even more if we attempt to have sex and he just seems so distant from me during it. How disturbing to be in a relationship and yet feel so lonely.
This is my 2nd night away from him and I am feeling OK about it. Sure I miss him being in my bed...but I don't miss the distance I feel when in bed with him. He sleeps with his back to me more and more and has even been known to fall asleep on the couch rather than come to bed with me at 11Pm or so.
I am saddened by this whole thing. I honestly felt that Ronan and I were more than just endorphins and fermones. But without emotional intimacy that is all we have...and sometimes not even that.
I have tried talking to him about this on several occasions only to be met with lots of agreement from him and the promise of "change". Ah change...that illusive idea. How much of our personalities will have to change for us to "fit"?
There is a lot of love there between us...but I fear it is just not enough.
Don't fret my lovelies...I am fine and have not lost my laughter or ebuliance. One of my issues right now is that I am trying to figure out if I am deliberately sabotaging things...
I have yet to meet a gay person who speaks with a lisp...how did that ever become a stereotype?? Most of the gay men I know and love you don't really know right away that they ARE gay. The lesbians I know are even LESS obvious...Ok...so I only know 2 lesbians...still!
This post is all over the map here.
Oh...on a COMPLETELY unrelated note. Lady K looks FABULOUS and has renewed my faith in my own pursuit of healthiness. Yeah Lady K!!!
Kwerkie. like that
Friday, August 05, 2005
EVERYTHING has come out. All of it. How I feel like he's not into this, how I am diappointed with the lack of sex, how he doesn't talk around my friends or family all that stuff. I also told him about the guy who approached me on Tues.
We had a MASSIVE blow out fight about it. He didn't believe that I didn't give out my ph#. He was shocked and hurt that I would flirt with another man. It was a horrible ordeal. He was so angry with me and I was so hurt that he couldn't see my side of things at all.
We talked it out on Saturday and I mentioned the concerns I have about his obvious homophobia and his outbursts while driving - usually derogatory comments about Asian drivers which come across as racist remarks more often than not.
We have agreed that we need to communicate more and better and we are trying to work things out. I am still feeling a bit uneasy and it's all to do with his homophobia to be honest.
Here is what I am thinking. I have a lot of gay friends...A LOT. I can not possibly imagine my life without these friends in it and having them over to my place and hanging out with them etc. If Ronan is sooo against them for no other reaon other than that is what he grew up with...an inbred hatred for gay men (oh yes...he's the typical double standard man...lesbians are fabulous, gay men should be shot). ...then what sort of life is that together?
What if we actually got married and had a son that turned out to be gay? What would happen then??? I can see disaster with that.
I love him but I am really worried about this issue. We are trying to sort this out...I will keep you posted on how it goes.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
For a while I've been feeling like Ronan isn't really into this anymore. I feel like he's really taking me for granted, that he's not willing to woo me anymore and that he really doesn't think of me too much unless I'm there...and sometimes not even that.
I've tried to talk to him about this but to no avail. I get the impression more and more that he's just hanging on until I pay him back the $$ for the kayaks and camping so that he makes sure he gets his money back. What he doesn't know is that I'd still pay him back even if we ended things...cuz that's the kind of gal I am.
I had a great girly night with Lady K last night. We had sooo much fun!!! At one point we were walking along Denman St, some guy in a car totally scoped me out (nice ego boost) and waved to me, so I waved back (actually thinking he was someone I had met before that lives in my neighbourhood) He was smiling and I was smiling and then Lady K and I went into a store. End of story right? Nope.
Mr. Car Scoper pulled over, parked, crossed the street, came into the store asked me for my ph# so that he could take me out for lunch or dinner some time.
Now I have to be very clear here. This guy was tall, dark and handsome. He had a nice smile. I was very flattered...but I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me! I was sooo embarrased! I of course had to tell him that I wasn't single and that I was flattered but couldn't accept his offer. What I *should* have said was some sort of compliment on his bravery and boldness. But I didn't - I was too wrapped up in my own feelings to think about what sort of courage it took for him to do all that just to ask for my phone #.
Here's what I was thinking all night. I was thinking "I bet Ronan wouldn't have ever pulled over to meet me. In fact, he wouldn't pull over now to say hi if we happened to cross paths unexpectedly during our work day. Not that that is ever likely to happen - our paths crossing like that....but that isn't the point. The point is that he does nothing now to show me that he cares for me. Nothing.
I'm the one that initiates sex. I'm the one that initiates *ANY* sort of physical affection. I'm the one that is free with the compliments or terms of endearments. He would rather watch baseball on TV than spend time talking with me. He finds it a major hassel to come downtown to see me and when he does spend the night at my place he is careful not to leave too many of his belongings at my place. However...if I take anything of mine away from his place he gets very pouty.
I would say that for our 6 months of being together, that we are not a very intimate couple. I still don't know much about his childhood and he's made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to hear anything about my past that might involve another man. I feel like I have to edit so much of my life. My stories read more like CIA documents where all the really interesting bits are all blacked out so as not to give away any "secrets".
He calls me by my last name now. Gone are the days when he'd call me up and say "Hello Gorgeous" and gone are the days when he called me "Sweetes". Now I am last-named at every opportunity and feel more like his buddy rather than his lover. When I mention this to him he says I'm being silly.
Someone once told me to judge a man by his actions and not his words. Ronan's words lack the actions to back them up.
This sucks so much because I actually love him. This hurts and it is awful and I have no idea iff it can be fixed.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
I have been offered an opportunity to open my own office in Calgary...the catch is that this would all have to happen in the next few months. In fact...my boss has it in mind that he office be set up as early as mid October...just in time for my 31st Birthday and a huge trade show in Red Deer. That would be the perfect opportunity to really grab potential clients from our already huge client base in Alberta.
I didn't want to spoil Ronan's birthday with this news but it leaked out this morning on the drive into work. His reaction spoke more than any words. He's excited for me. Happy that I have this opportunity. But don't expect him to leave his good paying job to come with me. So that's it. He's completely willing to let me go.
Last month a job opportunity came up for him...in Calgary. He was thinking about it for a long time, got excited about it and has made no bones about wanting to move back to Calgary ASAP. He loves the Vancouver lifestyle but hates it's expense...the tax, the bad drivers etc etc. He complains CONSTANTLY about how expensive things are here and I admit that he seems to be pretty racist about the drivers here. He ended up not applying for the job as he realized that it was just the moving back to Calgary that got him excited about it and not the job itself.
Someone once told me that I should judge a man by his actions and not his words.
Last night Ronan told me that I meant the world to him. That he loves me more than anything. This morning we made mad passionate love to each other and all seemed well.
This morning with the news of my possible (and let's be clear here...nothing is written in stone and my boss can be rather fickle) move to Calgary his actions can only be described as indifferent.
If he does love me more than anything and I do mean the world to him...than the FIRST thing he should have said was that we'll work this out. That somehow we can figure something out. But instead he basically told me that he won't leave his good paying job here for nothing in Calgary and that as I can't support him he'll stay here.
What bothered me the most was that the news didn't even seem to upset him in any way. He was relaxed and neutral. How can I be the love of his life as he claims and he not be even moved in any way that I could be living 12hrs away.
Too bad I didn't wait until after his Birthday as I think that tomorrow's celebration will lack some level of fun. It will be hard for me to be all smiley knowing that it doesn't (or is it that I don't? ) matter to him all that much.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Things have been a bit on the turbulent side between Ronan and myself. I'm not sure how it happened...but I do know that it began the weekend of Corinna's wedding. I'm not sure what happened to be honest. Perhaps the honeymoon stage of our initial dating is over and now as we relax more and more into each other and our routine we seem to forget that wooing is still important.
I don't think I am too high maintenance as a girlfriend. I do know that I have a fairly high sex drive and I think that Ronan's is waning a bit. In fact...I know it is having spent the last week on vacation with him where we only fooled around 3 days out of 10. This is starting to concern me more and more. Despite me bringing this up with Ronan he feels that this is quite normal though he admits he misses the mornings when I would wake up and give him a blow job.
Well...I miss fooling around in general. I miss it when he used to reach out for me and kiss me madly and deeply. I miss him actually FOLLOWING through with his sexual banter or promises of later. Now it seems that all we do is complain about the lack of sex instead of actually having it.
How can this change if we both just talk and no one does anything? I try to initiate sex but am refused...so this makes me just not want to initiate it. Why bother wearing sexy lingerie or trying to tempt him if it is always met with "I'm tired." or "Wait until later".
Has he just lost interest in ME or sex in general?
His birthday is on Friday and I am he wants to keep things very low key. He doesn't want to celebrate with my family and in fact, doesn't want me telling anyone it's his birthday. I have no idea why that would be important to him to keep it a secret.
Last night I told him I felt sad. That I felt that I wanted this relationship more than he did. His response was that my statement hurt his feelings and that of course he wants to be with me etc etc. If this is true...I need him to show me. You know what they say...actions speak louder than words. Though on that note... I can't remember the last time he spontaneously told him he loved me - lately it's been a response to my words.
I miss the honeymoon and the kittens and puppies. How do I get them back?
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Friday, June 17, 2005
I had the wonderful fortune to be able to go to Montreal to attend my girlfriend Corina's wedding. The BEST part about it was the Ronan came with me!!! (The trip to Montreal is how my illness started...I'm convinced of it!).
It was touch and go there for a while if Ronan was able to come with me. He gave up a LOT to be able to go and I probably haven't properly thanked him for that.. He missed out on a huge project that he had been working on at work...though I still believe he gets most of the credit for it...he just wasn't there at crunch time. Instead...he was having beers with me at the Vancouver International Airport.
We took the Red-Eye from Vancouver to Montreal on Thurs 09JUN and arrived safe and sound if not a wee bit sleepy on Friday 10JUN. I always freeze on airplanes so I made sure to wear jeans and a t-shirt along with my fleece jacket. When we disembarked from the plane the heat hit me like a huge salmon in the face! WHAM. I began to wilt from the humidity nearly immediately.
Corina was there to greet us and I couldn't help myself...it had nearly been a year since I had seen her so I bolted on over and gave her huge squishy hugs! It was soo excited. After collected myself I went over to help Ronan collect our luggage. I was beaming with pride and joy when I introduced Ronan to Corina - who gave me the wink and nod of approval for my fabulous taste.
(side note - I still look at Ronan and get butterflies in my tummy. I think he's drop dead sexy).
Corina and Dean were really busy on Friday as it was the day before their wedding. We took them out for breakfast after a quick luggage drop and wardrobe change at their place. After breakfast they put us on a bus to downtown Montreal and let us explore.
This was by far the best day of touring! I think that we might have walked close to 30Kms. I am NOT exaggerating. For those of you who know Montreal I think you might agree. For those of you who don't...trust me.
Off the bus from Dorval (where Corina lives) we took he Metro to McGill station. From there we walked down St. Catherine to Old Montreal. Once there we took in such wonderful sights as miscellaneous historical buildings-turned hotels, Notre Dame Basilica (WOWZERS), Place D'Arms (neat-oh) and then all the way down to the Old Port. Once at the Old Port we walked the 8km stretch and looked in all the boutique shops before getting an ice-cream that melted before I could truly enjoy it. Oh yes...did I mention the temperature was 39 degrees C but with the humidity was closer to 43 degrees Celsius? (For my American friends...take 43, double it and add 16 and don't forget to remember what humidity is like...the air so thick you can barely breathe).
At the Old Port we thought it would be a great idea to head over to Olympic Stadium and take the venicular up as well as see what the Biodome is all about. Off we go to the nearest metro station which was 4kms away. We made it in time to see them locking the doors of the Olympic Stadium at 5:05PM on a Friday. Quelle Poopey! Over to the Biodome across the way only to be met with the same fate. TABERNAC!
We sat and watched some swimming at the Olympic Stadium and planned out the next stage. We have now been awake for close to 34 hours and it's 6PM. We are both fading and need to re-energize if we are going to take in Crescent St for the nightlife.
So back down to Old Montreal we go. Back at Place D'Arms and in time for a small but brief breeze to come off the water. We decided to take a horse drawn carriage ride through Old Montreal which was expensive but great fun and very romantic. Our driver received dirty looks from his fellow horsey-dudes and I overheard one of them yell something less than flattering in French. Funny how my 13 yrs of French had not really come in handy and the only French I could understand was all the bad stuff!
We went to a cute little restaurant on St. Paul's (restaurant road really) and then off we went to take in some bars. Did I mention that it was Formula One weekend and that the place was PACKED with people? 9PM and we could barely move through the crowds. Somehow we made it to Crescent St and I couldn't believe the number of people! There must have been close to 20 Thousand people in the downtown area!! The visible lack of law enforcement was also something new. Had that been Vancouver you wouldn't have been able to walk one block with out seeing 10 cops...in Montreal...we saw 3 cops in a 3 block area.
We ended up back at Corina's around 3AM after a disaster of me loosing her address and us walking around her neighbourhood for about an hour and a half. At that point I was so tired I was snappy and crying at Ronan. We had been up for 47 hours.
The wedding was beautiful! Pictures to follow soon.
Sunday Ronan and I went back down town Montreal and took in the Olympic Stadium and were stuck at the top for 45minutes as the venicular refused to work. When we were finally down on the ground once more we took a lightening fast walk through the Biodome. I was SUPER happy to see the monkeys there. (I have a thing for monkeys...don't ask...just accept.)
Those 4 days in Montreal with Ronan were wonderful! It is so rare that we have a day off together that to have 4 in a row with each other was like a gift! I loved it. I know I was tired and sharp with him sometimes and I did have a bit of a melt down on Saturday before the wedding...but I loved my time with him. There is something really lovely about exploring a city with your lover...it was amazing.
Also...after the wedding on Saturday night we took some rather interesting photos with the new digital camera. They have all been erased to be clear...but it was so much fun taking those photos!!!
Ok....I'll see if I can upload some photos now.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
The first is putting up with the whinging when said love of their life is sick.
I am feeling pretty crappy. It started Tuesday with a sore throat and morphed into Wednesday with even more of sore throat, head ache and general crappy feeling. By Wednesday night my whole skin was hurting, my throat felt like I ate razors and I had zero energy to go to my stripper class (more on that later).
Ronan was very sweet. Kept asking if he could do anything and then asked if I just wanted to hang out at his place and watch TV while he went to his hockey game. I think I managed to watch about 30 minutes of TV before I passed out. I woke up and went to bed.
During the night I must have tossed and turned like mad. I had a fever, my leg seized up in a mega cramp and all the while Ronan didn't complain that I was disturbing him. In the morning I was burning up like 15th Century Catholic - I could hardly talk and Ronan went off to the store to buy me orange juice, tomato soup and....and the thing that I don't' think many men would actually purchase for a woman unless they are madly in love with them.
Loaded up with all the necessary items I had nothing to do but lie in front of the TV, let my brains ooze out my ears and hope that the rest of my body gets better. Ronan called a few times during the day to check on me. I thought it was particularity sweet of him.
If you've been following along in The Single Files...you may remember this post? Now I can see the clear difference! He's even gone 20Kms out of his way to feed my monster! I love this man to bits and pieces.
My body aches, my head hurts and my mosquito bites are bugging me to no end. I can't wait for Ronan to come home and sympathize with me.
Kwerkei -West Nile virus ridden but loved none-the-less.
Monday, June 06, 2005
I admit that I use masturbation as a sleeping aid. Don't get me wrong...9 out of 10 times it's purely for the pleasure...but some nights I'm just so restless that the only way to settle down is to get down. However...there is nothing quite like a little morning glory to start your day.
So my question is actually a request for some scientific info. How can having an orgasm (or 2) put me to sleep one night and then wake me up the next morning?
I don't understand. Are there different chemicals being released depending on the time of day?
Now before you call me crazy (again) there are some things that change with your body as the day goes on. For instance, your feet are always "smaller" in the morning than they are in the late afternoon...mostly due to being walked on and retaining fluid as you are upright...your lymphatic drainage occurs while you are lying down or off your feet and therefore your feet slim down while you are sleeping. (most of the time)
So what about these chemicals that are released during orgasm? I've often been suspicious of my body playing silly chemical tricks on me (I mean...c'mon...did you read some of my previous posts???)
Do these endorphyns or chemicals change with our body temperature, blood sugar levels, brain activity???
I've fallen asleep while masturbating before. Just as Napoleon thought when he invaded Russia...I thought it was a good idea at the time...but then I fell asleep on the job! Which in retrospect wasn't a bad thing as it is during those times when I am trying to use it as a sleeping aid...so I guess it worked even if I didn't get to have an orgasm.
But then there is the morning. I prefer morning sex. I'm relaxed, I'm more receptive to stimuli...so naturally my busy little fingers are at work before my brain even wakes up. After an orgasm or 2 my face is flushed, my blood is pumping and I'm ready to start my day with a great big smile on my face.
How is it different? I don't think I use different techniques for evening vs. morning loving. What IS the explanation?
Points to those of you who can find/figure it out or indeed BONUS points if you know the answer without having to look anything up!
Thursday, June 02, 2005
There is the Innocent Nudity - examples of this would be that of a child playing in the tub or running down the street (saw that in Gympie Australia...funny) or when you change at the gym...walking to and from the shower etc. It's the natural walk, the unashamed nakedness of accepting your own body. Gentle swinging of arms, light of step and heart.
There is the Staged Nakedness - you're pretending that it's innocent but there you are sashaying around hoping to get noticed by anyone...lover, fellow gym members...anyone who will look at your body and appreciate it. Strut of walk, glint in eye...it is the stuff that delicious mischief is made of.
There is Attractively Naked - when you pose 'just so' for your lover and it's all they can do to stop themselves from reaching out for you. Sometimes it's not even a pose and you don't even know you are doing it. This is the one I covet the most - the USAN (Unconscious State of Attractively Naked). There is a softness to it, hips rounded, buttocks smooth and breasts plump. The gentle skin under the arms exposed, a leg carelessly nudged open exposing secret pinks.
Then there is the Raunchy Butt Nekked - again it's usually posed...but this looks different. All angles, jutting out and urgent. There is a hardness about it that can only be softened by the clanging of two bodies together - hammering at each other until there is nothing but dewy softness between them, limbs languid and lithe. Where the spikes of lashes that cover diamond eyes are batted into the fluttering wings of butterfly kisses, perching in a restful pose over damp cheeks.
I am thinking about these degrees of nakedness as here I am, writing this with nary a stitch of clothing on and Ronan about to walk through the door at any moment.
Ronan been at work for about 12 hours today and I know that he's exhausted and has been cooped up in a small hot space all day and will likely want to take in a walk around the seawall. It's a nice night out...why not.
However...having said all that. I just don't want to get dressed. It's not that I am planning an attack when he walks through the door...to be honest I"m just happy being nude and puttering around my place. Besides that...I am experiencing the a bad kind of naked right now. The Embarrassed Naked.
This means I am having a "fat" day and don't really want Ronan to see all my imperfections. On top of that I feel badly that here I am sitting around lounging the evening away when he was all tucked up in secret squirrel mode in what can only be described as a sauna with out all the benefits of the relaxing nature of a sauna.
What kind of naked is your favourite?
Are you a big fan of being naked just for nudity's sake? (i.e. when it's not about sex)
Myself - I love being nude. It's not always a sexual thing and I am always most uncomfortable with my body in that bizarre half dressed mode, so it's best if I'm just fully nude.
I have decided that as a reward for losing my extra pounds I will get some black & white nude photos taken of me. Mostly natural poses, maybe a few "sex kitten" ones thrown in for fun. To be clear, these photos will be for me...so don't expect me to be posting any of them on here any time soon...or indeed ever.
Ok... best get going.
Kwerkie - the happy nudist.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Ronan has been sick for a few days but despite this, he bought me flowers yesterday! No reason...he just wanted to! They are gorgeous, huge, lovely pink gerberra daisies - my favourite.
I love gerberra daisies. They look so happy with their bright colours and multi-textured petals. I prefer the large ones over the small ones and I love that they come in so many colours. These ones are such a bright baby pink...not fussia and not too pink...they are hard to describe properly. Needless to say I was really touched that despite him not feeling the Mae West (the very best)he bought ME flowers. Amazing!
I admit it's been a while since I've bought Ronan a gift. When we were in Seattle a few weeks ago I did buy him a T-Shirt but the gesture lacked luster as he ended up paying for it on his Visa until I paid him back upon our return. I do have a gift for him that I've had for quite a long time...but I want to give it to him via this fancy red box that we are to exchange.
The story behind the box is this: I made him cookies for Valentine's Day (that's how much I love him...I'll bake for this man! I HATE to bake and furthermore, I'm not very good at it.) and I gave them to him in a lovely red box. He said then that we should use the box to trade thoughtful things back and forth. I don't know what I love more...that idea or that Ronan was the one to come up with it. I have yet to get the box back and I really would like to put this small treasure in the box.
I'm thrilled that he bought me flowers! I'm over the moon that he keeps buying me my favourites. Some people may disagree with me and tote roses out to be the best flowers, but I'm not one for roses. Yes they smell lovely, and the very tight budded ones look super cute...but I am happiest with my gerberra daisies smiling up at me. They may not have a scent to them, but they make my heart smile nearly as much as Ronan does.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
I spent most of the day trying to buy a bathing suit - I don't think I need to go into graphic detail here or tell you that as like most women, bathing suit shopping for me isn't a fun event. Though I did buy a smaller suit than my last one - I am still 20lbs away from my slinky bikini. Actually...I don't think I would ever wear a bikini. I have barely enough breasts to fill one out and my ass just won't shrink as much as I would like it to.
Still...I am actually not feeling *that* despondent.
After my shopping I went back to Ronan's while he was at work. I put the stereo on and sat outside in his sun chair reading my book. 15 minutes later (I am guessing) I fell asleep. Lucky me that I did not turn Lobster Red and become the next pin up woman for the top 10 reasons to wear sun block!
I think I was asleep for about an hour...maybe less. I woke up to what I assumed was the loud and bloody murder of the 2 children across the way. Talk about instant birth control! These kids were SCREAMING their heads off! I believe they are fairly young...one is definitely a toddler - maybe 3 or 4 yrs old. The other I think is closer to 7 or 8 yrs old. Jaysus!
I have recently been pondering having children more and more. This is the first time where I have actually envisioned myself having kids with a man. I love the idea of having children with Ronan. With any luck they'd have his eyes, strength (both emotional and physical) and freckles combined with my temper, sense of adventure and my wee little nose. Let's be clear here...it's an idea at this stage. I also have it in my mind to go to Greece in 2007 for a much deserved and very real, vacation.
HOWEVER. Yesterday Ronan and I were in Crappy Tire trying to get some kayak paddles when this 4 yr old started WAILING. No reason...just started to bawl his tiny eyes out and loudly too!! That combined with today's monsters demonic cries....well...that put me off having kids until I can deal with other people's screaming kids! I mean...c'mon..let's face it! I know I'm not the most patient person on earth and I tend to lean towards the selfish side sometimes. (I'm a Libra afterall).
I just wonder what sort of mother I could be. I don't want to think that I will lose patience with my kids as fast as I did yesterday and today with the tiny demons.. Perhaps it is because they are not my children that I felt that way. Maybe there is some sort of immunity that you build up with you own kids. The father from yesterday's senario didn't even flinch. He didn't' try to correct the behavior, didn't offer words of comfort...nothing. He put his hand on his son's shoulder and pushed him further down the aisle. Same sort of thing with the kids across the way. They couldn't have been unsupervised...yet the screaming went on for at least 10 minutes...and I am NOT exaggerating. I looked at the time when I woke up and it was 5:15PM. I began to become concerned when the screaming got louder and longer and looked at the clock again and it was 5:25PM. 10 minutes might not sound like a long time...but if there doesn't seem to be an end to the high pitched cacophony of an obviously distressed child...it seems closer to half an hour!
I have two gorgeous nephews. Noel and Alejo. Noel is 10 months old now and cuter than Cute Cute McCute, winner of last year's Cute competition who's still batting his eye-lashes. Alejo is 5 weeks old and is probably the longest baby I have ever seen. My monies on an NBA placement by 2025!
I love both of my nephews to bits and pieces. I love watching Alejo watch me. He is beginning to focus his eyes now and I really believe that he 'sees' me instead of just having his eyes open to a blurry world. He's a lot calmer than Noel was at that age and I hope that he keeps his blue eyes. He's tiny and perfect.
Noel is starting to really explore his world a lot more now that he can crawl and stand and walk with assistance. Everything goes in his mouth and he's really babbling a lot now which is super cute. Sometimes he has this high pitched cry that I call "Talking with Dolphins" and that doesn't bother me as much as the hellians from yesterday.
I have heard that your body really does funny things to you when you enter your 30's and haven't had babies yet. I do believe that my biological clock is ticking softly in the background. I am aware of it...but I can hit the snooze button for a while. I have noticed a lot of pregnant women around...A LOT. Is this because there is an unusual amount of women who are pregnant right now? Or is it because I am starting to really think about having kids myself that I notice them?
Having said ALLLL of that. I am not insane. Trust me. I am not ready to have a baby right now and as much as I love Ronan (and I really really do), WE are not ready for that either. Ideally I'd love to be married for a few years before having kids and of course, getting married is not going to happen for a bit either.
So before I hear the pitter patter of little feet I'd like to hear the ding-dong of wedding bells. And before the ding-dong of wedding bells I'd like to hear the splish-splash of our summer kayaking adventures, the swoosh-swoosh of our winter snowboarding escapades and the chirp chirping of spring birds. Of course, I'd have to hear the question somewhere in there too!
Isn't love grand? Madly in love. Crazy in love. Love makes you do the strangest things! Love is equated with insanity...which I find amusing and appropriate. teehee. Just because I fantasize or dream about it, doesn't make me any less normal or crazy than any other woman in love.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Once more I was called by the dreaded Ex's name. This makes it at least 3 times now...though I am not actually counting.
Though Ronan says it's not intentional (and I believe him) it never fails to bother me. What is it about me that is so similar to his ex? Everything??? God I hope not. Though I guess if I am to go by the photo of him and her in Ottawa...then I have to say that I do like her quite a bit. I would hope that I have my own distinct personality and that it's more exciting and sunnier than his ex.
I have not called Ronan by anyone else's name. (knock on wood). Even when I am frustrated or annoyed at him I haven't called him by the German's name (seems the likely one that I would),
What happens in those moments when he's feeling frustrated that he calls me Hillary? Why why why? He says that this is something he did with ALL his girlfriends with the exception of his first girlfriend (naturally). Despite it not being intentional and despite this being a habit...I can't phreaking STAND it!!!
It feels hurtful. Like he can't be arsed to call me by my own name. I might try to look at it another way. That he only calls me "Hillary" when he's experiencing negative emotions (frustration, annoyance, anger) and that he's doing it as a subconscious effort to NOT associate me with those feelings. But let's be honest here...that kind of psycho babble works for OTHERS...but never for the one involved.
I could pretend that it doesn't happen "Are you talking to me?....oh I'm sorry...I didn't realize that you see as my name is Qwerkie and NOT Hillary" But then again....that won't solve this issue.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Ronan spent the night at my place last night. We didn't fool around...I wasn't feeling very well and we were both tired. No biggie.
I had the worst night's sleep last night - I can't tell you how many times I woke up and how many nightmeres I had. Ronan said he was up a lot last night as well. Both of us tired.
When my alarm went off I was soooo sleepy. There was no fooling around in the morning...I did not have the energy at all. I got up, had a shower, had breakfast and got ready for work. What normally takes me 20 minutes took me closer to 30.
Ronan drives me to work and then fake kisses me as I get out of the truck. What I mean by 'fake kissing" is that he just kisses the air in my general direction. I hate that. This isn't the first time he's done it and though I mentioned how much I dislike it before, I am certain it won't be the last. I'm sure he saw the hurt look on my face as he did try to call me back. However, it was too late. Ronan lets me off on a very busy street and we didn't have the luxury of a red light...just some pedestrians slowing traffic down just enough so I could hop out. I couldn't come back and it left me feeling rather hurt.
STILL. WTF??? I'm tired. He's tired. He has the day off and is awake at 6 30AM because of me. I feel badly about this but he does have keys to my place and the option of sleeping in. I am quite capable of walking to work as I have done for the past 2 years. He said last night that he didn't mind driving me in as he has a lot of errands to get done today etc etc.
So why are we both wearing the grumpy pants? Have we reached the stage where we just react instead of thinking about how things may be taken? Have we become that comfortable with each other that we no longer feel the need to woo each other?
Ronan made a comment about my appearance the other day - said something along the line of "would you have worn that on our 2nd date?". The implication of course being that I must have looked a bit "frumpy" instead of sexy and appealing. My hair was back in a pony tail, my make up was light, I was wearing kahki capri pants, a cute pink T-shirt BUT...what "ruined" the look was my runners. I didn't *want* to wear my runners to be clear...but I didn't have any other shoes at Ronans place that would go with my outfit...so the runners were my best option.
However, I changed for our date and looked stunning so all was forgiven.
STILL! It's not that I don't feel the need to look nice for Ronan any more - in fact, I have been on a small shopping spree and bought 2 sexy tops and a drop dead sexy dress...all to wear while out with him. Suddenly I'm showing "too much cleavage" to the whole world. Is there a happy medium here?
If I don't show any cleavage (and let's be honest here....I don't HAVE very much cleavage....it's all done with smoke and mirrors) then I am "not trying" or have "settled". If I *do* show what little shadow and curves I do have....then suddenly I'm being too provocative and he feels the need to remind me that he should be the only one to see my tits.
*sigh*. I am so sleepy - a nap will make this all seem rather silly.
In other news....I lost my cherry in regards to Sensual Food Sex. Thjs is ironic as we were playing with Mud Pie that was supposed to have a cherry...but it was lost.
I had never played with food in bed like that before. Well...truth be told it was on the couch...still! My point is that Food and Sex go together quite well and it was a lot of fun to play and experiment and tease. The ice cream was just the right amout of cold (for me) and I found the whole thing to be very exciting!!!
I do not reccomend whip cream from a can...blech. The real stuff is what you need - fluffy and light and less chemically. Chocolate is a fabulous diping sauce for "peaches" and "bananas' (ok...corny I know but I'm trying to work with the whole food theme).
Lady K mentioned something about toothpaste (she read it somewhere) and though that might give you all the tinglies...I do think it brings a whole new meaning to "oral sex". teehee.
Best go for now...I'll expand on this another time.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Welcome Tia - the newest audience member to make herself known :) I hope you continue to enjoy and learn and post comments of all kinds :). This post is a direct result of your question from here.
How *do* I manage to have an orgasm so often with Ronan....good question. I started thinking about it, trying to analyze the sex I have with him...but then that wasn't as fun as asking Ronan his opinion on the matter.
Here is what we came up with. (Oh the punnyness of that sentence is too good not to comment on).
In the beginning stages of our relationship we had a lot of fun dates that culminated in massive make out sessions. All hands were above the equator as it were and we just kissed each other silly! To say that I love kissing is a massive understatement. I've broken up with men before over lousy kissing.
To me kissing is an intimate and integral part of sex. I NEED to be kissed. If it doesn't start off with kissing...it won't actually "start". The best part about kissing is that it is not limited to just the lips! My neck, breasts and especially my EARS loved to be kisses. I think that people sometimes forget how sensual kissing can be. Slow it down, speed it up....let your tongue play. Gentle slurpy kisses in the ear combined with quick tongue flicks over the jugular vein will very nearly bring me to orgasm.
Ok...so we've covered kissing as an important part of good sex (for me....others might not be too into it).
The next important ingredient is "Talking". Yup...I like to tell Ronan what's working, where to go next....though as we have been together for 4 months now there is little need for that now.
95% of women (I think that's the right percentage) can not achieve orgasm from penetration alone...there needs to be some clitoral stimulation. Here is the thing...a lot of men don't seem to know where it is or worse...what to do with it when they DO find it.
This delicate area of the female body is a lot like the head of a man's penis. It has the same nerve endings, the same sensitivity of an uncircumcised man. Women have a little hood protecting the clitoris....after all...we can't have us women wearing lacey thongs and then BAMO! having orgasms every time we get up from our desk to go to the bathroom. (isnt that a nice thought though?).
Many men seem to think that quick, hard circular movements over a woman's clit is enough or good or something. Hellooooo....do you want me to rub my thumb over the head as hard as I can as fast as I can with little to no lube???? Je ne pense pas!
You know your body. Hopefully you've had many wonderful orgasms by yourself and are confident enough to tell your partner just how you love to be touched. Is it slow and sensual? Quick and hard? Slow and hard? Quick and soft? You know yourself.
When things are working well for me...Ronan can't help but know it. Noises escape me. It's a wonderful pleasurable circle. It feels good- so I moan. It feels good to moan-so I moan more. Of course...no one should make fun of your night singing. (I don't know why I am calling it night singing....it's not like I"m quiet in the day time and only moan with pleasure at night...)
One day Ronan mimicked my sex noises and I admit I was less than impressed. Those noises are uncontrolled and often I don't even know what I'm saying (if there are indeed any words) so it seems unfair to bring them out after a love making session. My utterings are being used out of context as it were.
So...my best advice on how to achieve an orgasm every time are listed below:
1) Do not think about it. It's not really that important to cum every single time...what is important is that you enjoy what you are doing. If you are putting pressure on yourself or your partner to give you an orgasm...chances are you are not in the right head space to have one.
2) TALK to you partner. Many people find it very sexy to talk during sex. "Move here, touch me like this, I love it when you lick me here" That sort of thing. Praise in the bedroom does wonders.
3)DO NOT FAKE IT! If you fake it you are opening up a huge pandora's box. Your partner will likely repeat what they did when you faked it and then would be bewildered why it has suddenly changed and is no longer working for you.
4) Be an active participant in your own pleasure. A lot of men get turned on when a woman touches themselves while they are penetrating them. This works out great for everyone as the woman gets all sorts of stimulation and the man gets a nice view (depending on position) of his woman being confident and taking control of her own sexuality.
5) Talk about any problems you are having OUTSIDE of the bedroom. That is sooo important as you do not want your bedroom (or secret sex alcove) to be a place of doom....unless you are into that sort of thing. No one wants to feel pressured in bed....so talking about issues outside of your "regular" sex arena is key to keeping it full of pleasure and not full of anxiety.
Alright,...now I know that some of you may disagree with any or all of the above. I am not a sex therapist, I do not have a degree from any recognized institution in Sexuality. However....I have had a few lovers, even MORE boyfriends and I know what I like.
If these tips work for you...I'm very happy for you!
If they don't...well...don't give up, Chapters is full of great books on sexuality. One of the best ones I read is called "Sexual Self Awareness" and that was a key factor on my road to discovering my own sexuality and pleasure. Don't cheat on the excersizes...they are fun and a huge learning tool.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
I had a massive attack of it on Saturday.
Ronan has joined my gym. There are probably lots of reasons why he joined my gym...his gym was really far away, it was inconvenient, we were spending a lot of time together and both of us ignoring the gym...So joining my gym means we can go together and work out together and be supportive in getting fit and healthy. Great.
However...as we all know...beautiful people work at the gym. Anna was no exception to the rule. In her late 30's Anna is in amazing shape, breasts still perky (I'm putting money on the Wonder Bra being extra "Wonder-ful") and her ass was tight and high and there wasn't a part of her that giggled unnecessarily.
I don't mind a pretty girl...truth is I really appreciate beauty in all it's forms and genders. I think that Anna is very attractive but I am not actually attracted TO her. (just want to be clear on this point),
SO. Fine. Anna is pretty. We arrive at the gym are placed in her capable and wandering hands. Oh wait...sorry...I was there...but may as well have been invisible. She was ALLL over Ronan. Cooing at him and fawning over him and TOUCHING HIM???? Running her hands up and down his back, over his shoulders...the only thing she didn't do is reach down his shorts and grope him!
Ronan ate it up. I don't blame him really - it is hard not to be all gooey when an attractive person butters you up. The good news is that Ronan saw through her phoney act and realized that she was just trying to sell him a membership.
STILL. I couldn't help the green fog from clouding my vision. It affected me more than I want to admit...but here I am sharing.
I nearly felt VIOLENT towards Anna. I called on Monday to ask about a class and spoke to her. She mentioned that she saw Ronan at the gym on Sunday. I was pretty sure he didn't go to the gym and the green nearly choked me. I know he didn't go...why would she say that?
I feel very solid with Ronan to be clear. I don't think that he'd ever cheat on me and he knows that I would never cheat on him. What would be the point? I feel like I am getting everything I want out of this relationship. I feel loved, desired, listed to, cared for and a whole litany of other ooey gooey things that are important to me.
Still...why the jealousy?
Yes I need to drop about 30lbs to be truly athletic, but I don't think that Ronan is turned off by my body. I do have a washboard stomach...it's just under 20lbs of laundry at the moment. (teehee).
But this was crazy. I wanted to hurt Anna...I didn't like the way she looked at Ronan and I hated her touching him...
It aint easy being green...I prefer passionate pink.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
The squeamish should not read this. This may offend some people.
Ronan and I spent some serious time catching up since his 7 day trip to Alberta Some of it was talking with our mouths...most of it was speaking with our bodies.
I have NEVER experienced this before...but in one day I had so many orgasms that I simply lost count (though at a guess I'd say 9) And here's the weird thing...even though I was a bit sore and very sensitive...I STILL wanted more!!! Oh my!
The workings of men and women are so different and I admit that it's a bit unfair. While I was pleased over and over again by Ronan...it was a bit different for him. I was only able to bring him to that place of splendour twice in one day and though I made valiant efforts for a 3rd or 4rth time...it just wasn't in the cards.
This morning we were both pouting. I had some minor issues this morning during oral sex and he was very hurt that I couldn't orgasm. That put a LOT of pressure on me. I didn't want to focus on that...I just want to enjoy things as they happened. Then when I finally DID have an orgasm...he asked me if I faked it. That was hurtful and a bit uncalled for I think, but I let it slide. His ego was bruised and I wasn't about to get into a discussion about faking it that early in the morning...or indeed as I was still basking in my post coital bliss.
Moments later when we were back at each other I was trying my best to please him, only to have him stop completely and say that it just wasn't going to happen...that there was too much pressure on him time wise (I had to get up and go to work in 10 minutes) and that it "wasn't that kind of morning".
So what is up with that?
He was really upset at the thought that he couldn't make me orgasm with his mouth this morning...but I wasn't allowed to get upset that I couldn't give him an orgasm. Hello Mr. Pot...meet Ms. Kettle...I believe you have mutual blackness in common.
There really is something strange that happens to my body around Ronan. For as sore I was yesterday...I simply could not get enough of him. I long for the day when we can spend 24 hours with each other doing nothing but making love alllll day. Ok logically we'd have to stop for bathroom and meal breaks...but for the most part we could just explore each other's bodies and all the ways we can please each other.
Let's go back to the incident this morning for a moment. Where as I have faked things in the past, I have learned from my mistake and simply refuse to fake an orgasm...how else will Ronan know how to help me achieve orgasm? I could fake it...but why? Who's losing out there -ME that's who. And Ronan too I suppose...like me, he takes pride and joy in being able to please his partner.
It does bother me that he seemed to be OK with him not cuming this morning but that it was not acceptable if I didn't. I too love to please and half my pleasure it pleasing him. And maybe we do have to have a discussion about faking it.
Now I know I've already posted about this...but I am actually wondering more and more about the Fake Male Orgasm.
Sometimes I can' t feel it. I'm not kidding. I'm a bit of a flooder if things are working well for me...and if I have an orgasm (or many) then I get a lot wetter. I've even experienced that illusive Female Ejaculation (twice with Ronan) which of course just soaks all the bed linen and is a bit embarrassing - though I don't think Ronan actually noticed or if he did, didn't care.
So...during an average love making session I will probably have roughly 2-3 orgasms. This means I'm so lubed up I can't feel any other "foreign" liquids. Also, Ronan isn't "cut" so sometimes his semen gets trapped as it were and so there isn't much in me to begin with (or should that be 'end with'?).
Could HE be faking?
Obviously he can't fake it during oral sex, and I admit that I do love my vitamin R in the morning. I am sad when he won't let me play until he scores, but I do understand that men and women are different. It took me YEARS to have my first orgasm with a partner and another year to learn how to have one nearly every time. And with Ronan I think I have been EXTREMELY lucky and have been able to cum pretty much all the time...the exception was yesterday when I was simply just too sensitive from my countless other orgasms!
Ah well. Can't wait until Friday night...dinner, U2 concert and then lots and lots of bed time play!
3 Months and counting and I STILL can't get enough of this man...both in and out of the bedroom.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
I want to make this point very clear. I went out and bought that "Easy Off" industrial oven cleaner and got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed my tiny oven spotless! The fumes were amazing - I can't remember it ever being so stinky or horrible and I had the kitchen window open, the patio door in the living room open as well as the fan on the oven going.
I need you to understand that I was exposed to these fumes for approximately 30 minutes. I think that it will help to know this as I go into the post.
2.5 Hours prior to cleaning the oven I phoned one of my best friends Emily. She lives in Ireland and I haven't talked to her in a while so instead of a long winded email I thought I would jump on the phone and ring her. We had a WONDERFUL conversation about everything...as it is with best friends. Even though we might not talk that often, every time we do talk it's like it hasn't been 5 years since she's moved to Ireland!
Emily has gotten engaged! Hoorah!!! Robert is a lovely man and after meeting him 2 years ago I quickly decided that he is good enough for Emily. They are a great couple and madly in love. After purchasing a new car and then a condo together they are even more convinced that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. I am sooo happy for Emily!! She deserves the best, she is a wonderful woman and I love her to bits and pieces!
During her telling of the proposal (very romantic - Robert proposed while they were on a weekend getaway to Paris - lovely!) Emily asked me if I would be her maid of honour. Well...what an honour indeed!! Of course I accept!!! She is getting married in May of 2007 which happens to coincide with the same month and year that I was planning a 2 week vacation to Ireland. Hoorah! Fabulous.
I told Emily more details about Ronan and I and all the good stuff there. It was lovely to talk to her though I'm sure my phone bill will be outrageous. We talked for nearly 2 hours! Yikes! Still...totally worth it!
So after I rung off with Emily I was full of energy and decided to clean my apartment. This is when I got the bright idea to clean my oven. Good for me...I'm being very domestic and thinking about Emily and how beautiful her wedding is going to be and I began thinking about what sort of dress I would wear as her Maid of Honour.
After the oven was cleaned I decided that I had to get out of my apartment if only to get some fresh air. In a daze I wander up the street. I have no destination in mind and yet somehow I end up at the London Drugs on Davie and in the magazine aisle. Ok...there are loads of bridal mags...I pick one up...flip through it...I'm looking for bridesmaids dresses. My god there are some "risque" dresses out there.
I buy 2 magazines and some lip stick and then wander on home. I am wondering what kind of dress Emily will go for. She's a bit of a traditional woman...I can see her in a floor length gown with lots of lace but still tastefully done.
I come home and my apartment still smells like oven cleaner. I put the mags on my table and make some dinner. While I'm waiting for it to cook I flip through the mags. Page after page of wedding dress with very few bridesmaids dresses in between. I begin to dog ear some pages of the bridesmaids dresses I like and can see myself wearing. Emily has given me free reign to choose my dress as long as it's hunter green so I feel good about my "getting on it" as it were. Besides...she's coming home in September so I can show her the ones I have picked out and we can talk about whether she's happy with it. (I can't imagine why she wouldn't be...we have similar tastes).
And then it happens. I turn the page after making fun of some pretty ugly wedding gowns...and WHAM. I see the most gorgeous wedding dress EVER. I have no idea why I did this. I dog eared the page. I sat staring at the dress for what seemed like 10 minutes. I pictured myself wearing the dress...walking down the aisle...
OH MY GOD! Give my melon a shake!!! Quick...try to smooth out the dog ear on the page. YIKES. "I'm not crazy I'm not crazy I'm not crazy" I say to myself 3 times as fast as I can...and in doing so solidify my crazyness!
Wowzers. Flip flip flip go the pages as I frantically try to find a bridesmaid's dress to settle my eyes on. Back back back the pages go and I stare at the dress for another minute. Yes...long hair unfettered and slightly curled...maybe a butterfly necklace...WHAT??? NOOOOOOO
I close the magazine and throw it on the couch. I could still see it there...it was calling my name...I could hear it.
"Kwerkie...pick me up....just look at me....there's no harm in looking....I'm sooooo pretty! I'm exactly the sort of dress you've always dreamt of...LOOOOOOOK at MEEEEEEE"
I grab the mag. Open- shut. Flip flip flip. SLAM! Nope. Not going to go crazy. I put the magazine in my closet under all my hats and scarves so as to muffle it's call.
Man that oven cleaner is strong shit!