what's goin' on.

*sigh* I feel pretty unsettled lately.

For a while I've been feeling like Ronan isn't really into this anymore. I feel like he's really taking me for granted, that he's not willing to woo me anymore and that he really doesn't think of me too much unless I'm there...and sometimes not even that.

I've tried to talk to him about this but to no avail. I get the impression more and more that he's just hanging on until I pay him back the $$ for the kayaks and camping so that he makes sure he gets his money back. What he doesn't know is that I'd still pay him back even if we ended things...cuz that's the kind of gal I am.

I had a great girly night with Lady K last night. We had sooo much fun!!! At one point we were walking along Denman St, some guy in a car totally scoped me out (nice ego boost) and waved to me, so I waved back (actually thinking he was someone I had met before that lives in my neighbourhood) He was smiling and I was smiling and then Lady K and I went into a store. End of story right? Nope.

Mr. Car Scoper pulled over, parked, crossed the street, came into the store asked me for my ph# so that he could take me out for lunch or dinner some time.

Now I have to be very clear here. This guy was tall, dark and handsome. He had a nice smile. I was very flattered...but I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me! I was sooo embarrased! I of course had to tell him that I wasn't single and that I was flattered but couldn't accept his offer. What I *should* have said was some sort of compliment on his bravery and boldness. But I didn't - I was too wrapped up in my own feelings to think about what sort of courage it took for him to do all that just to ask for my phone #.

Here's what I was thinking all night. I was thinking "I bet Ronan wouldn't have ever pulled over to meet me. In fact, he wouldn't pull over now to say hi if we happened to cross paths unexpectedly during our work day. Not that that is ever likely to happen - our paths crossing like that....but that isn't the point. The point is that he does nothing now to show me that he cares for me. Nothing.

I'm the one that initiates sex. I'm the one that initiates *ANY* sort of physical affection. I'm the one that is free with the compliments or terms of endearments. He would rather watch baseball on TV than spend time talking with me. He finds it a major hassel to come downtown to see me and when he does spend the night at my place he is careful not to leave too many of his belongings at my place. However...if I take anything of mine away from his place he gets very pouty.

I would say that for our 6 months of being together, that we are not a very intimate couple. I still don't know much about his childhood and he's made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to hear anything about my past that might involve another man. I feel like I have to edit so much of my life. My stories read more like CIA documents where all the really interesting bits are all blacked out so as not to give away any "secrets".

He calls me by my last name now. Gone are the days when he'd call me up and say "Hello Gorgeous" and gone are the days when he called me "Sweetes". Now I am last-named at every opportunity and feel more like his buddy rather than his lover. When I mention this to him he says I'm being silly.

Someone once told me to judge a man by his actions and not his words. Ronan's words lack the actions to back them up.

This sucks so much because I actually love him. This hurts and it is awful and I have no idea iff it can be fixed.