Sunday, March 29, 2009

A brief update of the heart

So I have reached the stage of my relationship with Miguel where I begin to doubt absolutely everything. Despite him being really caring, and great communication skills and a host of other pluses...I can't help but feel this nagging horrible voice in my head that says "this is too good to be true!".

I have also gained some weight since we started dating and I know it is because I have been less active and been drinking more beer than I usually do. I have decided to take affirmative action toward my health and really focus a bit more on ME. This includes my diet, going to the gym and taking Tiernan (my puppy) for much needed loooonnnnggggg walks! Oh - and I'm going to see a councilor as well - time to get to the heart of what is a matter I think.

I wonder when my self confidence got so shaky? When did I stop believing in myself and my ability to adapt? I am feeling exceptionally homesick this week and have broken down more than once in weepy tears. I miss my friends a lot. I really miss Rosa, Bman, Jordie, Leroy, Rus and Tryst like phreaking mad mad mad.

The GOOD news is -they may all (or some) be coming to visit over the Easter long weekend! HOOORAH! This means of course that I will need to be working like a phreaking mad bastard doing some SERIOUS OT to make sure that I can have the weekend clear so I don't have ANY work distractions happening over that weekend.

I am starting to look forward to my trip to San Francisco. I do love that city and the group I'm going with is pretty cool. Having said that...I'm behind on their documents so I really need to make sure that everything is A OK or this guy will totally phreak out!!

I really hope my friends are able to come out. I am wishing that with all my heart and soul and sending out pleading vibes to the universe to provide for me some much needed R&R with people I love. I am especially needing this as I am not able to come home for Easter and see my family.

Oh - I saw what I believe was a birch tree on my walk with Tiernan today. I have long dreamt of the birch trees from my childhood and can remember how the leaves would sound when the wind blew through them. I thought I smelt the salty musky smell of the sauna from camp as I sat there looking at the birch bark tree. I was overcome with missing my youth and especially my Grandma.

Attending Grandma's funeral was phreaking brutal. There will be NO open casket for me. No way! I was DUPED into seeing her in the casket. DUPED I tell you! When Grandpa asked all us Grandchildren to come into the Anex I thought it was to give us instructions on what to do as pall bearers. No. It was to see Grandma laid out before us for a last goodbye. For me an open casket is not a good way for a final goodbye. It's creepy as hell and Grandma looked like a very hollow shell of her former self. Even the last time I saw her and she was very weak and frail...she looked better than falsely puffed up with embalming fluid and too much makeup. It was horrible, I hated it and I would be lieing if I didn't admit that it has given me nightmeres for the last 2 months.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am looking forward to meeting my new healthy needs with a positive attitude.