Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Atlas - thy name is Kwerkie

I have some pretty amazing talents. Oh it's true...you know it it to be true. The thing is...just because I am really really gooood at something doesn't necessarily mean it's anything that is helpful to myself or to others.

I have a great talent for procrastination for example. This never seems to do me any great favours.

I have a mild talent for biting my tongue...today I nearly relinquished my self control to rebuke someone...but I counted to 10 and remembered that I have the ability to just let some things go.

I am feeling 49 tons of pressure and for some reason...I keep adding to the pile of ...well...STUFF that I need to do in the next 4 weeks. Some of this pressure I create all on my own with my own idea of what I think I want to have happen and how exactly I want that to happen. I have an amazing talent for expectations.

The car situation this week - this is making me feel like 'wholly crap! I'm growing up!!!" There is a certain amount of resistance to that...there is a part of me that thinks this is will just weigh me down - oh the responsibility of it all. The other part of me recognizes the amazing freedom this will give me - there is an even larger part of me that also knows how dangerous this freedom can be for me...I have an amazing talent for running away.

Let's see - this weekend I'm trying to really let go of any sort of expectation and I might try to just try some flights of fancy. I have an amazing talent for whimsy too - ask me about my brief stay in a Thai brothel!

And the move - I am excited and finally things are falling into place for this. I received the rental agreement for my place in Calgary - though I do believe it has the wrong unit number on it! YIKES. It requires another call to Stan (the landlord) to make sure that the i's I'm crossing are in fact not t's that should be dotted! (yes I'm aware they are mixed)

There is a lot of schtuff to do and I need to stop taking on the other issues both real and perceived. I need to NOT be Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders...maybe it's time to play with Eros for a while...

Monday, July 28, 2008

To sleep perchance to dream

Sooo....day 2 of the insomnia and I have to say that I'm Thankful that I haven't started to hallucinate...yet. So much on my mind lately and feeling like there is so little in my heart :( .

My 93 year old Grandma was here to visit and I saw her 2 days for about 8hrs a day and I just feel numb. I didn't cry. I didn't get excited much. I didn't even feel like I had a visit at all. I was simply in the same room. I was also pretty distracted by the monkeys (my 3 nephews and 1 niece), the constant pain in my hip and lower back and the fact that I have about 1 month to get everything organized for a Big Move and I feel like I hardly know where to begin!

I hung out with Ray on Friday night and that was pretty good for my soul. We always have very deep and emotional laded conversations about relationships and he's convinced that my move to Calgary will see me meeting some fabulous man and starting my family. We shall see. I am trying not to really think about that stuff right now as I have about 3 million loose ends to tie up here before the move - not the least of which is figuring out if I'm going to take all my belongings or just sell them all and have a fresh start there.

My biggest concern right now with the move is my Boss. I don't think he's really thought this through on how much it's going to cost him. He seems very upset that he has to pay for my desk and chair and working materials in Calgary. This seems exceedingly shortsighted of him - I don't pay for any of that stuff HERE...why would I have to pay for that THERE? Idiot. He also believes it's OK to ask me to give up my hard earned holidays to come into the office and sort this stuff out. I'm sure he's going to be SHOCKED when he realizes that it just means he's giving me MORE time off at Christmas on top of my regular holidays. Idiot.

The GOOOOOOD news about the move is that I'm going to be away from him and in control of how often he can micro manage me :) That is the beauty of telling him he can only contact me Mon-Fri 8-4AM...I can then turn off all communication devices and enforce it:) I think he believes I'll be available to him 24/7 and this is simply NOT the case. I know he wants me to be as invested as he is in the company...but until I make his wage...I am just not.

I'm going to see if I can get a few more precious moments of sleep. I've had 4 hrs so far...but it would be fabulous to grab another 30. I hope I have calming dreams.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


So it really is officially Summer in Vancouver and I am enjoying the run of gorgeous days we've had recently.

My back is out and there's a story there...but I'm not going to get into it. I just want to let it allll go. Tuesday of this past week was the first day I was able to actually stand upright...before that I was hobbling around like Igor...the only thing missing was me hissing at someone "Yessss masssster".

Yesterday after my chiropractor appointment I spent a wonderful day with just myself. Harvey called as was planned but I'm glad that he wasn't keen on seeing me - it made it easier for me to be even MORE aloof and blah-zay with him. I wonder if it even registers with him.

My date with myself included an indulgence in Thai food (yeahhhhh Noodle Box!!!) and a long walk along the beach, a completed book and some of my own words written down as well. The evening was spent as I like to spend hot summer nights - a cool glass of wine, a good book and my patio. And then some porn. A great date indeed!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Another brick in the wall

Sooo...it's been about 2 months since Rodger dumped me and there are few thoughts I wanted to share with you - the world.

This is probably the first time in my life I can actually FEEEEEEL my walls coming up. Brick my brick, emotional coping device after emotional coping device I can nearly feel my heart hardening...or maybe it's just been the excess dairy I've been eating.

So I figured the best way to get over Rodger was to get under someone else. *sigh* This is not going as well as I had planned. First off...the guy I have as my 're-bound dude' is older than me by about 13years. Normally this wouldn't bother me but I am beginning to suspect that he's an alcoholic...and so...when he spends the night at my place I repeatedly have dreams of my alcoholic father.

Harvey is kind and has a lot of lovely things to say to me...but we are really not fooling anyone. This is just sex. Good sex for sure...but it's just sex. Now with this really odd Electra factor happening I am finding that I just don't return his calls or texts nearly as quickly as I'm sure he would hope. Sometimes I don't call or text him back at all. I am aloof to him and when he asks me things about myself - I don't really answer him but use very clever deflective skills.

I am amazed that even as I am doing this strange dance of lust with Harvey...I still find myself thinking of Rodger and still hoping that he might actually come to his senses. And then...then I suddenly think...why?

I can't trust Rodger again...so the ONLY reason I would want him to come crawling back would to PURPOSELY (yes - you read that right) be MEAN to him. For some reason I want to hurt him as he hurt me...only worse and with a better vocabulary.

Why is it that I can't seem to resist contacting him only to be aloof and acerbic towards him? WHAT is the point? WHY isn't my energy being spent elsewhere? Like...yoga or working out or painting or ANYTHING but what I'm currently doing.

Even recognizing this toxic behaviour hasn't STOPPED me. I am embarrassed and yet I can't seem to stop myself and move on. I am hoping that by writing all this done I will now be able to let this go.

Let go
Have more

Oh....and I'm moving to Alberta! More news on that soon. I refuse to become a Flames fan...and I'm not sure I can be a full time country music listener...but I might just take up curling in the winter!

Sorry this is so late...

So Rodger dumped me about 2 months ago and I haven't had the bravery to tell you. It's so ridiculous I know...WHO exactly am I telling anyway? The world?? Sure. Why not.

The WORST of the WORST is ...I was really hurt...still am hurt. I have also remained his 'friend' which seems more painful to me...soon I will likely pull the plug on even that. I do believe my friend card is full.

So here was my initial reaction to Rodger's "It's not you it's me" break up.


The problem with being an emotional person is that when I have an emotion...any emotion at all....I really really feel it. I'm not that great at shutting off the switch; of pushing things to the corner and getting to them later (if at all) and it's not like I want to become some sort of Kathy3000 or anything, but wouldn't it be super great if I could just set the doubts and fears aside for a rainy day?

Of course, having said that, I DO live in Vancouver so saving *anything* for a rainy day is a dangerous venture. I'd be more likely to be consumed by the very things I wish to put off if I saved them for a rainy day.

What I have admitted to myself is that I am the common denominator in my life.

If I wish to change some of my behaviours that frustrate me -these things need to be changed from the core.

An example - my apartment seems to be in a constant state of squaller. This does not make me want to spend time in my own abode. This also does not make me want to tackle what feels (really really feels) like an impossible task of creating cleanliness and order.

My apartment reflects my life. Keep it in a state of clutter and mess and my life as a whole seems to be cluttered and messy.

Another good example is that I make some decent coin...but I have NOTHING to show for it and I am successfully playing Ostrich to my debt.

SO...enough! If I can not make myself accountable to myself NOW...when will I? On the cusp of my 40th Birthday? That hardly seems pragmatic. The time is now. The hour is at hand when I can really DO something and make positive changes at my very core.

I deserve to live in a place that makes me feel relaxed and safe. Having to walk a gauntlet just to get to the kitchen is not conducive to that. I deserve to live in a comfortable financial state without the nagging anxiety of knowing I owe this or that.

The nice thing about unexpected events that occur in your life is that you get the opportunity to look at it...really look deeply at it...and figure out ways to make positive steps for only yourself.

This week has me at the bank - please wish me fiscal luck! A car is needed by 30 June and it would be SWELL if I could get a relatively 'newish' one. I'm hoping for a green one...I like the colour green.

Also- I wanted to say something about my friends. What amazing women and men I have in my life! The support and love I have received from you (and you know who you are!!!) was amazing. The martinis and ice cream helped a bit...but the love (and Monkey lovin') was what I really needed. And never underestimate the power of a few beautifully written words to remind oneself of some things that may have temporarily been forgotten.

So here I go...looking at the common denominator, subtracting the messy clutter and financial irresponsibility, adding more positive changes and I might just finally be me - the sum of all awesomeness. ( I had to consciously avoid the use of the term 'pie' in that math analogy).

And...because I don't mind a mixed metaphor...I am suddenly reminded of a very sexy story about a Lotus flower. In my journey I think I am as the Lotus is in the picture here - nearly ready to open and be utterly fabulous.