Monday, January 31, 2005

Things that go BUZZZZZZZ in the night

I thought I would dedicate this one to my ever faithful, reliable, lovely, exciting and titillating VIBRATOR.

The Single Files never would have existed without the aid of my vibrator. I was actually searching the vast internet for directions to Womyn's Wear where I was on my way that afternoon to meet up with a girlfriend, have lunch, a tête-à-tête and then go shopping for vibrators when I stumbled on the site and began doling out advice and regaling you with stories of my dating life. So already my vibrator has aided in fulfilling my life...not just my sexual desires. Hoorah!

Funny enough I ended up buying the exact same vibrator as featured on “Sex & The City”. I am not yet addicted to it as Charlotte was...but I must say that I could see it happening with my addictive personality and the vast amounts of pleasure this vibrator gives me.

My vibrator is a lovely shade of purple, more lavender than purple really, and it has a lovely smiley happy face on it to assure me of it's pleasurable intentions. It's a good 7 inches long before the controls and has the special distinction of being what is known as a Dual Vibe. This means that not only does it have a clitoral stimulator shaped like a friendly rabbit with oh-so long, lovely and quickly quivering ears, but the shaft also rotates and with the wonderful pearl is able to apply just the right amount of texturized pleasure in all sorts of places.

The most amazing thing is that the very first time I used this vibe, I came so quickly that I hardly had time to really enjoy my orgasm. I was left feeling giddy and yet somehow not quite satisfied. So the next time I made sure to slow down and take my time and not let my little rabbit become the mad hatter as it were.

Last Sunday I am not ashamed to admit, I spent some serious quality time with my vibrator. When I say quality time...I mean pretty much the entire afternoon. I started around 1:30 after a long hot shower and finished just in time for a quick clean up before my date at 7:00PM. Like I said...Quality Time.

My question is this: What is the difference between a knowledgeable lover who is creative and giving in bed, and a solo session with a vibrator?

The answer to this requires me remembering the last time I had fabulous sex. Fortunately for me it hasn't been *too* long that it has slipped my memory, but unfortunately I've had a bit of very very BAD sex in the recent past. The last time I had mind blowing sex was in Seattle, May 2004. This was with my boyfriend at the time who happens to be a Scorpio.

*Side Note* is VERY VERY true what they say about the Passions of a Scorpio. If you have the opportunity to have sex with a Scorpio...jump at it. Having been with 3 of them (not all at once thanks) I can clearly tell you that they are very generous lovers, passion is their forte, this last one helped me be the most uninhibited I have ever been. It was unbelievably liberating.

The sex started with a lot of talking about masturbation during our dinner at one of my favourite restaurants in Seattle...
The 13 Coins . This Restaurant doesn't have any particularly stunning atmosphere, but the food is really yummy and the portions, like most served at American restaurants, are HUGE. Go hungry and I recommend sharing with your dinner date.

I was so excited and turned on by our talk of self pleasuring...that it wasn't long before Nelson made sudden moves to pay the bill and we sped back to the hotel room where clothes were quickly and frantically torn off each other. I could not WAIT to have him inside of me. Our session was a bit of a wrestling match. Each of us grabbing the other, trying to touch in every spot, hands were everywhere, mouths were frantic and despite the urgency of our desires, this was not a five minute ordeal. As I was nearing the place of wonderful pleasure - Nelson suddenly pulled out and went down on me. There was just enough distraction to bring me down and for him to rev me up again with his tongue. When he flipped me and took me from behind there was nothing for it. My body was on fire, there was a ringing in my ears and our mingled cries of passion grew louder and louder and for the very first time ever, I came simultaneously with my partner. I felt it like a hot explosion inside of me. He flopped down on my back, our breathing was ragged, my wet hair covered my face and he kissed me languidly on my ear and neck over and over again.

My 5 1/2hr marathon with my vibrator was also extremely satisfying. I was drenched in sweat by the end of it all and had no less than 3 orgasms. One very slow and sensuous build up, one akin to wild jungle monkey sex, and the last one again very tender and gentle to celebrate my body in all it's glory.

Both of these sessions were very physically satisfying. The only difference was the emotional content. Don't get me wrong, I love myself very much, a creature of change I believe I am a beautiful work in progress. But there is something to be said about having a lover whisper in your ear just how gorgeous they think you are, and to taste your partner is a wonderful sensation who's only rival might be tasting yourself on your partner's lips.

I admit that since it’s purchase is August…I have gone through two battery changes with the Rabbit. I don’t believe that me having toys would be a threat to any man who may be my lover…I’d love it if he were adventurous enough to play WITH me and the Rabbit. Having just entered my thirties…I have noticed that my already high sex drive has just been kicked into overdrive! VROOOM! I believe that not only is self love with or without toys very healthy, but maybe my next lover would enjoy the break from performance once and a while. Teehee.

One helpful tip. Ladies (and gentleman too I suppose) it is EXTREMELY important to take good care of your sex toys. Make sure you get the proper cleaner for them so that you are not eroding the material or giving yourself any nasty STD’s. True story…my girlfriend gave herself Chlamydia from not cleaning her vibe property. Nasty stuff. The brand I recommend is actually called “Adult Toy Cleaner” and is available in high end sexuality boutiques like Womyn’s Wear…as opposed to the low end XXX shops that still advocate Vaseline as a lubricant – which we all know is no good for condoms. The cost of the cleaner is around $8.00CAD and as all you need is one capful, it should last you for a good while…though I suppose that depends on how often you feel the need for things that may go buzzzz in the night.

The stuff first dates are made of

Like Eliza Doolittle sang..."I could have danced all night!" Well...I could have...if there had been dancing. But there wasn't any dancing...nor any music that I could hear over the cacophony at the Granville Room. That isn't the point though...the point is I had a BRILLIANT date on Friday night with a guy that seems to be in the deeper end of the gene pool – that is to say, he appears to be one of the “good ones”.

I was happy to see that he was much better looking than I had initially thought. I know that seems like an odd statement…but he really looked quite a lot different in person than in his photos. He has a very rugged look, strong facial bone structure and he’s fairly big (read: muscular) in a good way…not a gym monkey…but a nice big chest (here’s hoping it has hair!!) and big arms. What really struck me about him were his eyes. Unbelievably blue, sparkly and just a major WOW factor. He also has a brilliant smile and a great laugh.

Our date was LOVELY. It might have been the bottle of wine I consumed during my Dine Out Vancouver dinner with Simone (we went BEFORE my date to be clear here), or it could have been that I was so dazzled by Ronan’s eyes…or maybe it was the 3 martinis I consumed with him over great conversations…but I thought the date went off brilliantly.

We talked about one of my favourite topics : HOCKEY! And then I got to regale him with my tales of Australia, Cricket and Aussie Rules (go Carlton Blues!!!). Probably the first guy that I’ve gone out on a date with that could actually converse intelligently with me about hockey. Thank GOD for that. Also, he seemed to like that I’m a bit of a sporty chicky…which is nice.

Two moments of note: Ronan gets up from the table to go to the loo and instead of going around his side of the table, he comes over to mine, puts his arm around my waist and whispers in my ear “I am such a lucky man to be here with you tonight. You look stunning”. And then he was gone down the hall to the loo.
Well….my mouth went absolutely dry! He should have stayed another moment or two…I might have swooned! Teehee

The second moment is more like an incident: Ronan is in the loo. 5 minutes go by and I think…wow…he’s taking a long time for a guy. 10 minutes go by and now I’m hoping he’s not ill. 12 minutes – I’m thinking “what the hell?? Did he DITCH me???” And then I check and see that his lovely leather jacket is still on his seat…so No. And I’m sure that all our hand holding (read: finger sex) and the mega compliment he gave me just before he left for the loo doesn’t compute with a guy who would ditch me.

So now I’m concerned about him. Then I look down the hallway towards the loo and I see a large group of men trying to break down the bathroom door! OH MY GOD! My date is locked in the men’s room! I can not help myself. I am cracking up laughing.

Poor Ronan. 20 minutes he was in there and then they FINALLY got the door off its hinges to let him out. The FUNNIEST part was that he was trapped in there with another GUY!!!

Now the ladies room at the Granville Room is just a single toilet and sink…there are no stalls. The men’s room on the other hand has a door from the bar to the washroom and then inside are 2 stalls. So Ronan went in, some other guy went in and shut the door to the bar. They both went in their respective stalls…and then when Ronan came out he tried to open the main door the door knob broke off in his hand. They were locked in.

What fun! Ah well…he was hoping I would have come to his rescue sooner…and hoping that I didn’t think he had left.

I didn’t get home until 3AM! And it didn’t even feel that late to me. The date was so easy breezy lemon squeezey! He drove me home (he only had 3 beers over a period of 6hrs) and asked me out for another date.

Saturday afternoon I get a phone call from Ronan thanking me for a lovely time on Friday night and telling me that he’s really looking forward to seeing me again on Monday. Lovely Jovely.

I am also looking forward to our date tonight and I’ll keep you posted on how that goes.

P.S. Tinfoild – When we met he turned his mobile off and I said “Wow Ronan. That’s really nice of you to turn your mobile off. Your level of couth just went way up in my books” . He laughed and asked if Couth was a real word…and I informed him you can’t have the negative version with out the positive version.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Love me, Love my blog

Ok...I'm a bit on the pissed off side of things today.

I've been chatting happily away with a dude. We even morphed onto the phone conversations and all seemed well on that front...UNTIL today!

Today he asked me what I do for fun. I told him I am a sometimes writer, part time massage practitioner and an avid camper, hiker, culture vulture and all the multitude of things that make up my idea of a good time.

He glommed on to the writing. "What have you written?" he asks. I tell him about my poems, my short erotic stories and that I write a lot about dating and stuff like that. I do NOT tell him I have a blog and I do NOT tell him I've begun getting some of my writing ready to submit for publication etc. He asks to read something I've written.

Ok...he's intrigued and I'm flattered. I scoured the The Single Files and sent him THIS one. I don't know why I chose it other than I think it's pretty funny and probably more so because it's accurate. I made sure to copy and paste it to a word document so he had no idea it came from a blog etc.

Well...what do you think happens next? He PHREAKS OUT that's what! He's deeply astounded that I could write about someone's private life like that. That "Chris" never knew I would write about him or his "issues"that he shared with me and that it was wrong of me to write about it without his knowledge.

So he pulls the plug. Can't continue ANY type of contact with me for fear that I might write about it. Even writing in my JOURNAL was too much for him...what if someone should read it??? Since when did writing about MY life become all about him? Somewhere between my article and his ego I would suspect. Clearly this guy's ego is WAYYY bigger than mine! And we all know that I like to be the Alpha Ego.

I want to be very clear here with this point. I did not tell him I write a blog or anywhere on the internet for the general public to see. All I told him was that I write for a hobby and that I keep a journal. I told him one day I'd like to have some stuff published in a local publication here...but at no time did I ever mention that anything might be seen by other people's eyes.

Some of you have commented that it is unfair of me to tell someone I write a blog and then ask/expect them not to read it. I have to grudgingly admit that you are right and that was very poor form on my part. However. To be clear...Darius was sneaky and underhanded about finding my blog (getting the link from staring over my shoulder while I checked my emails -all your comments go to my hotmail account and it has the link to my blog in the title of the email) so in his case I feel totally justified in being annoyed at him for reading my blog.

For this guy is unfair of him to ask me to censor myself. I could no more NOT write about my life than I could stop breathing. What you; my lovely readers, do not know, is that I do have a journal (a la Doogie Howser it is a series of word documents) and there is SOOOOO much more in my journal than I disclose on here. More details, more events...and of course not just about dating or my love journal has everything from my frustrations at work to my sometime difficult relationship with my mother to my hopes and dreams for the future in it.

So my choices are these:
1) List off my hobbies but omit my #1 passion of writing - which hardly seems to be being true to myself.
2) Tell them that I write, the topics etc, but never reveal I have a blog
3)Tell them I write, never expand on it further than that statement and certainly never share any of my writing.


The only one I can conceive of doing is option #2. I can tell people that I write, but never admit the blog or that they could somehow be fodder for my writing.

And I don't expect everyone to love my blog...especially as most people I know don't know about it....but it's more about respecting my need/desire to write.

BESIDES all of that. I DID tell this guy that a lot of my writing is FICTION! I just *happened* to give him a true life story.


Maybe I should start out ALL my conversations with the following statement:
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do say and/or do may be used against you in a blog.


Monday, January 24, 2005

My date with a Serbian Gangster

It started out normal like many dates do. Wait a it didn't!

We scheduled the date for 6:30PM. We didn't talk for a few days before the date but I assumed (stupid me) that all was going ahead as scheduled. The day of the date I get an email. He's going to work out with his buddies at 6:30PM...but he could meet me for 8Pm.

We made these plans BEFORE he decided that he was going to work out with his buddies. Guess what I"m thinking...He's just not that into me if he's putting our date off.
Anyway....yeah. For a laugh I decide to meet him anyway. I figured it would be a good way to test out my Inner Bad Girl.

He emailed me his phone number and we revamp our plans and he tells me that he'll make it up to me and buy me coffee or whatever bevvy I want. Hoorah! I have already decided I don't like him, now I'm just in for the free drink!

Ok. So I'm early (of course) and I'm sitting in the fish bowl that is the Megabucks on Davie & Denman. He comes up behind me and just starts randomly talking. Not Hello it's nice to see you. Not "Hi". There was NO greeting. Just "I had to park up the street. What do you want to drink".
So I stand up, turn around and take a good look at this guy.

6ft2, fairly athletic , dark hair, pale eyes (greeny grey...nice). He's tanned...and he's leaning a bit on the "bad boy" look. Nice. HOWEVER...his gangster gold necklace, silver heavy link bracelet and GAUDY giant gold ring is just more than I can handle.

Well...I can't really remember too much of our conversation. This is not because of any alcohol involved...I drank ______ _________ __________ _______ _____ (10 points to you if you know what I had...answer in a comment)

The reason why I can’t remember all of what we spoke of was because my mind could not get past his GIANT ego.

I do remember him telling me that he would like to be HIT MAN so that he could enjoy the benefits of money and travel. Wow. I’ve dated men with low morals,some with dodgy scruples...but this one…? This complete lack of regard for human life?? Wowzers.

I think I made the obligatory small talk. I might have told a funny story or two (or who am I kidding? I told a lot of funny stories!). He made 3 phone calls during our date.

The 1st was in front of me. The 2nd was when we went to get us our 2nd bevy (bottled water for me, frappachino for him). The 3rd phone call...well...that's when the gloves came off.

Serbian Gangster: "Hey Jonathan…have you eaten yet?"

Me: "Oh my god! How rude! Are you making yet another phone call on our date? You are so uncouth!"

SB: "Jonathan...old on a minute. (to me) Uncouth? What?"

Me : "Yes! Uncouth! A cad! A lout! This date is over!!!"

SB: "Uncouth?"

(I collected my purse and hat and started walking away)

Me: "Yes. Uncouth! Look it up!"

SB: "Jonathan...she's walkin' out on me man, hold on! Hey Kwerkie...wait a minute. Slow down."

Me: "DUDE! You do not get it?? Here's a dating tip for you. Making phone calls on your mobile is RUDE. It shows me you are not into me. And frankly, I'm OK with that. Good luck with your new career as a hit man."

Ahhhhh! What an immense relief to let that out! It was probably the first time I said what I was thinking on a bad date TO the bad date. And I don't think I was overly aggressive or rude.

Oh yessss...Kwerkie's Bad Girl is DEFINITELY out there now!

KGB to the rescue!!!

PS: Is uncouth really that uncommon a word?

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Stop. Yield. Wrong Way. It's all about the signs baby!

The night Lady K and I went out for her dinner....we were talking about Signs. And by signs we weren't talking about the vanity of Leo's or the stubbornness of Taurus’s (Taurusi?)...we are talking about signs/signals between men and women.

I am an avid reader of Desmond Morris. I particularly devoured and often refer to his "Human Animal" series. This book focuses on body language, how to read it and what it means. During the course of ANY social interaction we are constantly putting out signals and particularly to the opposite sex and ESPECIALLY when we are trying to woo them. So the theory is that if you study the body language of your partner or potential partner, then you'll have a better understanding as to what is happening in your relationship or even if the potential for a relationship is even there!

But what do you do when the object of your desire is giving you MIXED signals? Is it just all in your head or are they toying with you or just what the hell is going on here?

Women’s signals are pretty clear. We “preen” in front of a guy we are interested in. This usually involves playing with our hair, adjusting our specs, and face touching…mostly around the mouth/chin area.

We make prolonged eye contact, we smile, we throw our heads back when we laugh and we will touch a guy’s arm as we do so.

Fellas….if you want to know if the object of your desires is into you…tell her a funny story. If she puts her hair behind her ear, reaches out to touch you and throws her head back in laugher all simultaneously….she’s TOTALLY into you. That is the biggest “ALL SYSTEMS A GO” sign we can give without grabbing you by the lapels and laying a big wet kiss on you.

But what are the guy’s signs that show us he’s interested? I’m talking besides the obvious calling you.

Let me give you an example. In Sept I was at Megabucks waiting for a lavalife date. I was a bit early and got my bevy and sat down. There was a GORGEOUS man at the table next to me who started a conversation with me by complimenting my on my foot wear. ( I was wearing my super cool groovy red shoes). We just began chatting. It was easy and fun because I thought he was just chatting with me to kill time while he was waiting for his female friend to arrive.

I told this story to someone and they said “DUDE! He was so into you! You should have given him your ph#”. Now I don’t know about that. Café Dude admitted he was waiting for a female friend…but made it clear that she was JUST a friend. I in turn told him I was meeting a fellow. It wasn’t until my date arrived and went to get his coffee that I admitted it was a date.

Then the Café Dude said he’d back off. He also said that my date looked like a nice guy. This was true…my date was a nice guy…but a weak guy. His whole body language…the way he carries himself, suggests that he’s not comfortable with himself and he had “pushover” written all over him.

Café Dude watched our interaction. I noticed that he moved tables but sat in such a way that he could still see me. In fact…instead of being beside me as he was initially…he was now sitting across from me. I tried to pay attention to my date…but it was difficult. Café Dude was looking at me and I was looking at him.

Eventually my date and I left the Megabucks and Café Dude waved and smiled and wished me a good night.

Was he interested in me or just making small talk to kill time? When he moved across from me was he interested in me or watching a real live blind date unfold?

Hmmm. There were no real signals…just the small talk conversation about fashion and the cost of a decent cup of java.

I think that my signs are pretty easy to read. I am an OUTRAGEOUS flirt with guys that I am interested in. To be clear…my idea of flirting involves witty banter, making intelligent jokes and mild physical contact (read: touching his arm when laughing). me out here people. What are the signs that guys use? I’m not talking dragging me by the hair into the cave…I’m talk the subtle testing-the-waters signals.

Signs signs everywhere the signs…but I can’t seem to read them!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Inner Bad Girl Released!

It's Lady K's Birthday today! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADY K!!!!

I took her out for dinner last be clear...we went to The Sandbar and when the bill came for our FABULOUS meal (seriously...we both had delectable meals...she won on the dessert factor though...yummy bread cheesecake was but a pale comparison...and that's only slightly ironic as I had white chocolate cheesecake) it was slightly higher than Lady K graciously paid for part of her Bday dinner. SEE HOW FABULOUS SHE IS?

Holy Shit the 9 O'clock gun just went off and scared the CRAP out of me!!! That thing was louder than usual tonight...must have been an extra dose of gun powder or perhaps the cloud cover makes the sound seem louder.

*ahem* Digression.

Anyhoooo....where was I? Oh yes..the WONDERFUL Lady K! She also gave me a great book called "The Bad Girl's Rate-A-Date Guide". This thing is FULL of useful advice and has several sections where you can pick apart your date with excruciatingly funny details. One of my favourites is "celebrity he "thinks" he most closely resembles....artist rendition below" and there is a space where you are to draw the "celebrity" Oh my.

First off...despite me saying that I wish I could draw nude men...I can't even draw stick men! Lady K once gave me these brilliant water colour post cards so that I could draw fabulous things on my world adventures and then mail them to her. I drew what I thought was a pretty good wooly aussie sheep and sent it to her. When I came home a year later the post card was proudly shown on Lady K's fridge and I was so excited to see it. She told me that she kept it there to amuse herself on a daily basis as the drawing was so bad. She even asked if I had ever SEEN a sheep. Oh sure I have seen sheep....I just can't draw the buggers! teehee

Ok...back to the Book. So....the title is pretty nifty....I'm particularly drawn to the "Bad Girl" bit. I think I have an inner bad girl...I believe she is about to come out of her hiding place. WATCH OUT WOLRD! ha!

When I was much younger I used to head out to the clubs armed with a passable if sometimes laughable, Irish accent. I called myself Evil Kwerkie on those nights. It worked really well with the fellas...nothing like a little bit of Foreign Factor to boost the ego. ended up backfiring in a bad way. I actually met a guy that I REALLY liked! That just can't start anything off with a big lie like that. Ah well. His name was Sheldon..and as we all know...Sheldons of the world can do your taxes but they are not the stalions we wish they'd be in bed. (I learned that from "When Harry Met Sally" -pretty much one of my all-time fav. movies).

The digression in this post is amazing isn't it? Where am I off to next? Oh yes...back to the book.

I do believe that I will try to use this book on my next date. Not that I have a date set up any time soon or anything. I am going to give old Lava Life a bit of a break for now. I think I will lay low for a bit and then see what the Wine Tastings will do for my social life.

The nice thing about having an Inner Bad Girl and letting her out to that it's not about dressing up in leather and taking the risk of being mistaken for an Outer Fetish Chicky....but that your Inner Bad Girl is simply an attitude adjustment. It's the raised eyebrow, the twinkle in my eye and the sly smile on my lips. Oh yes....the Inner Bad Girl is just DYING to be taken out on the town. Maybe next weekend...this weekend is Lady K's Birthday Party extravaganza! Bad Girl Kwerkie would just be wasted there...there is no one with whom I can be BGK with!

WoW....KGB - Kwerkie Gone Bad....mmmmwwwwahahahahahahha

Sunday, January 16, 2005

A Full and Complete Retraction for Pedro

Ok. It has come to my attention ( never did leave my attention actually) that I have misled you my loyal and steadfast readers. I'm not proud...I'm just sharing.

I toted Nelson out to be the very first boyfriend I had an orgasm with. Whereas this isn't a lie...I have been asked to set the record straight about having my very first orgasm with a partner.

This is the story of Pedro.

Pedro and I have been friends for 6 years. We were not always friends though. We started off as pals and emailers. Then we became lovers. Then friends again. Then lovers again and now we are friends once more. I want to be clear when I say that we were lovers because we were not actually dating. This was not the romantic relationship that was going to build into something long term etc etc. We both have different ideas about what that would look like...mine usually involve having kids whereas Pedro has always been dead set against that. It is for that reason (and I suspect a few others) why we never dated, but instead became lovers.

It was so easy to become lovers with Pedro. First off...he's HOT. I'm not kidding you. This was the first man I ever saw naked that I wanted to draw. Broad shoulders, well developed chest (hairy yummm), six pack of abs, beautiful back, strong legs, tight ass and a very pretty penis. He should be a nude model. Honestly. Pedro loves his body and takes very good care of it and he should be very proud of it. He's a very healthy virile man!

Secondly, Pedro loves women. ALL women. He loves everything about women and it's very clear when you are in his presence. I met Pedro when I was at my biggest size and he never once made me feel fat. He has a way of touching you that makes you feel like the beautiful goddess that you are. It is simply amazing. That coupled with the fact that he is a really genuine guy who LISTENS while you talk and is interested in your point of's very hard to resist him.

(Pedro if you are reading...try not to let the Ego get too big here).

Pedro has read several books on sex, probably watched his fair share of porn, he's seen artistic renditions and technical journals. I'm sure he is probably the most experienced partner I have ever been with. What this all boils down to folks is that Pedro knows his stuff! He is also a master at seduction. He can take the simplest thing and turn it into something erotic and exciting.

I cried immediately after my orgasm. Great big chest-heaving, body-shaking sobs of delight and release. Years of pent up frustration and feelings of sexual inadequacy released in a flood of wetness both above and below.

During our on and off again loverness (loverhood?) I then was able to learn how to have an orgasm pretty much every time. Pedro taught me how to slow down and enjoy the little things...kisses on the back of my neck, the inside of my arms. Plus, he let me experiment at will with whatever I felt comfortable with at the time (which I admit then wasn't much) and he never pushed me to do anything....ever.

My relationship with Pedro was more along the lines of friends with benefits. He always treated me with respect, never assumed sex was on the menu anytime he came over, and he always spent the night. That was really important to me. Plus...he's a big cuddler!! NICE.

Pedro was the inspiration for one of my monologues...with a bit of tweaking it will be up on here soon.

It may be of some interest to note that I never once had an orgasm with any of the 4 boyfriends/lovers I had in between Pedro and Nelson.

So there ya go Pedro! It's all there in grey and green :)


The Peanut Gallery - a review

Thank you so much to all who posted comments on the "No comings, possibly goings" post. I appreciate the honesty and the feedback and it gave me much to consider.

Sunday Morning Hangover - (I have one of those now) Ahem. I thought your comments were fairly neutral not giving a yea or a nay and that is just fine :) The 2nd comment about the #2 issue I agree with and have a few boyfriends like that too. It did make me take a look at what I was writing and ensure that I am more clear about the ideas for future posts.
And, as always, I do appreciate your feedback. You have a special place in my blogging heart as you were the very first person to ever comment on my blog :) Thanks :)

Gwynne - you are right of course! Waiting for sex is all part of the courtship ritual/dance that we all go through. Jumping in too soon can lead to disastrous sex and besides...I really want it more the more I can't have it. I think that some men can sometimes lose sight that the woman enjoys sex and wants it just as much as they do. But the waiting is an important ingredient in sexual excitement and satisfaction. The sex is usually better with someone you know a little more than say 2 weeks.

Tinfoiled -Yes..the giggling wouldn't be an issue if he respected my wishes that it stop for now. However, it didn't stop. It continued...and got worse along the way. In previous relationships #2 was my issue for a very long time....but I'm happy to report that I am much better at communicating my needs to my partner. It doesn't mean that both parties have to boom as you say, every time, but it can't always be about one or the other exchange is what I seek. I loved the musical reference! You have such a way with words!

Grins-Happy to report that he is now officially out the door! It was my gut instinct too...I will be careful to listen to that more closely.

Lady K - yes I already knew what you thought and you had the advantage over the others to hear ALL the gory details. I agree wholeheartedly with your 2nd comment - gut feelings should be heeded and explanations are not needed when the feelings in the gut are so strong.

And this now leaves "Anonymous". I thought I wasn't going to do this...but then I was thinking about it s'more...and I have decided that I WILL respond. I am doing this because I don't actually care if "Anonymous" reads this entry...I am doing this because I believe that I have a good rebuttal...something that has been put together with some FORETHOUGHT and LOGIC rather than coming from a place of bitter resentment.

So here we go...hold on to your martini glasses!

My original words appear in PURPLE. His response to my words appear in BLUE. My response to his words appear like all the others above.

He's 33 years old people! No relationship has lasted more than 6 months?? whoah! What is up with that?
Er, maybe he's never met anyone he liked enough to date for more than 6 months?
I think you are missing the point. The point I am trying to make is that he has had girlfriends..but the relationships were short. This means only 1 of 2 things. 1) he only dates women he is not particularly compatible with, or 2) he isn't willing/able to work at building a relationship with women with whom he is compatible with.

How is that a reflection on him as a person?
This is not me saying "Darius is a bad person". This is me wondering if he lacks the maturity that is necessary when building a solid relationship between 2 people. The first 4-5 months of a relationship is the "honeymoon" stage. He has little in the way of opportunity to face challenges that happen in a relationship - at his age...this is a daunting thing to be faced with as his partner. It means teaching him how to give and take a lot more than you would normally face with a partner who has had longer relationships.

Hell, I'm in my mid-thirties and I've never been in any kind of relationship. I've been attracted to lots of women, but they've never been attracted to me. It's not that I'm not a nice guy, I have lots of friends of both sexes. The simple fact is I was unfortunate enough to be born ugly. took me nearly 5 minutes to stop laughing after these lines. Born ugly? I'm sorry...I'm going to have to see some pictorial proof here. Born ugly?? By who's standard are you considered ugly? said clearly by your own standards you are ugly. I can't really believe it though..I think it's the Buddhist in me...All things have beauty...some people just can't see it. I bet you could use some therapy. And if your friends are telling you that you are ugly..well then...they clearly are not your friends.

There's nothing I can do about that, but by your logic I'm somehow tainted, a bad person.
I think you have composed your comments as a knee jerk reaction to an emotional response. I have not said that Darius is a bad person, nor do I think that anyone who has had short or no relationships at all is "tainted, a bad person". This is what you have chose to see/hear in my post.

We must live in a very fucked up society if it's considered better to have slept around indiscriminately, spreading disease and risking unwanted pregnancies, than to have exercised self-restraint or (gasp) simply not had the opportunity in the first place.
Ahhhh - the best for last. "Slept around indiscriminately"? Who said that? Certainly not me. Sex is too important to just waste it on a random person. I'm not saying it has to be the Be All and the End All to everything...but you should at least LIKE the person you are having sex with. And I don't know about you...but for me that takes getting to know someone for more than just a few hours.
"disease" "unwanted pregnancies"?? My god! Why are you promoting unsafe sex??? DUDE! It's 2005- wear a condom! Get yourself and your partner checked out on a regular basis for any diseases. Unwanted pregnancies?? Get your girl to go on the pill AND use condoms!! For you to even imply actively having unprotected sex in this day and age shows major ignorance and a lack of regard for people in general.
And personal favourite "not had the opportunity in the first place" What kind of horse shit is this? Not had the opportunity? (This is said in my best John Cleese Parrot Sketch voice...think" pining for the fjords??") It's not like Darius was in JAIL since the age of 18 for crying out loud!! Though that does remind me of a great Tragically Hip tune "38 yrs old never kissed a girl" *ahem* I do digress.

Unless you are in jail, a monk/priest or some other form of religious leader following the vows of celibacy, EVERYONE has the opportunity to meet people and form relationships. The question you choose to ACT when opportunity presents itself? Another question might you MAKE opportunities for yourself?

In this day and age of online can you NOT have the opportunity? I meet people all the time. Yes I am gregarious, outgoing and I do love people in general...I love learning from them. I strike up conversations in coffee shops, on trains, while waiting in line at the grocers. I make opportunities for myself.

Your comments to me dear "Anonymous" struck me as angry and sad. It initially annoyed me that you chose to hide behind the anonymity of your comment post, but then I realized that you are shy. That cowardice, coupled with the fact that you believe yourself to be ugly likely means you suffer from very low self esteem. And one who suffers from very low self esteem would likely not likely be proud of comments they write on blogs.

One final comment. Your post seemed too seemed to come from a place of intense emotion...that I can't help but wonder in a Carly Simon type of way - I bet you thought that post was about you.

Could the "Anonymous" poster have been Darius himself lashing out in an attempt to explain himself???? hmmmm.....

Saturday, January 15, 2005

What's that saying about Curiosity??

Darius knows I have a blog and has expressed interest in reading it. During our discussion this morning I asked him not to read the blog and gave him fair warning about likely not enjoying the context of the post about him. It would not surprise me in the least that he did not heed these words at all, read the blog and is the author of the 2nd "anonymous" comments. In fact...I have half a mind to call and ask him.


After the phone call:

I asked Darius if he read my blog. His initial answer was "no". I asked "Are you sure?" To that he answered that he read the 1st line/paragraph but then decided to heed my advice and didn't finish the rest of it.

We had a lengthy discussion about this...I had to tell him that I suspected that he was the author of the 2nd anonymous comments. He vehemently denied it. did bring to light the fact that I do not trust Darius 100% and he seemed to be very upset about this.

When is 100% trust given to someone that you are just beginning to date? For me, it does take a while to give over completely- the reason being having been in a relationship for nearly 2 years with a man who lied to me about EVERYTHING. I'm not kidding...EVERYTHING...he even made up a dead sister! What kind of fucked up pathological liar does that??

Here's what concerns me about the conversation I had with Darius: He mentioned that he was worried that I was breaking up with him over Anonymous's comments. This is simply not true and I had to explain that in great detail to him. BUT...I did tell him that I would not have hesitated to end things with him had he been the author of those comments.

The reasons being 2 fold. 1) I asked him not to read the post and he disregarded my feelings about this and did it anyway to serve his own purposes/satiate his curiosity. and 2) I found the comments to be ridiculous - written from a place of hurt and anger - written with not much forethought but rather as a knee jerk reaction to an emotional response.

So Darius is upset. He is upset because he just found out that I do not trust him 100%. He is upset because he feel he is being "blamed" for something he didn't' do. He is upset because he desperately wants to know what is in my blog post about him.

The bottom line for me is that I can't help what he feels about all of that. I am going to take his answer at face value and assume that he did not in fact read my blog or post the comment. I am going to just see where things go with us for right now. Maybe we are able to work on the issues we have, we shall see.

For the sake of argument...let's assume that he DID write the comment. He can't possibly tell me now unless he is prepared for things to end between us. I have told him before that the fastest way to end a relationship with me is to lie to me and for me to find out. There will NOT be a 2nd chance to lie to me once I have discovered dishonesty. No way.

I respect myself far too much to get involved with liars. I would hope that all of you have the same respect for yourself.


Thursday, January 13, 2005

No comings, possibly goings

Right! I know I said I would try to wait 3 weeks before blogging about the new guy...but if you read the previous post then you know I'm wishy-washy and fickle.

So about the new guy. I shall call him Darius- this is a name that is coming back into fashion so I don't feel the same way I did about the name "Magellan".

Darius and I met up on Boxing Day and had a few drinks at The Morrissey. I was on my best alcohol consumption behaviour. I had 2 beers - Kilkenny to be exact. Our conversations were easy going, intelligent and interesting.

We had a few other dates and I was starting to get pretty excited about every time I would see or talk to him. I had, as they say, the butterflies. However...Last Saturday the RED FLAGS started to appear during the course of our date.

I was making dinner and Darius was chatting with me while I was in the kitchen. He comes up behind me and encircles my waist with his arms. This is lovely. He's nuzzling my neck...this is even more lovely. And then...then he turns into a 15 yr old.

I ask "Are you..." but don't get an opportunity to complete my question as Darius interjects.
"Hard? Yes. Let's go have sex right now."

WHAT?? Earlier in the day he said (quote) "You had better do some major calculations today because later on I'm going to fuck your brains out". I laughed. I thought it was a crude joke, but a JOKE none-the-less! Hmmm...he seems to have a one track mind.

I dismiss the idea and laugh and just keep on making dinner. We have dinner and then fool around a wee bit on the couch. He said that we had better get upstairs to the party before he takes me into the bedroom and ravishes me.

Holy Crap! This guy just won't let up! Unbelievable. What ever happened to getting to know me first? What ever happened to SEDUCING me? Oh my. And then it became Confession Time.

He's never had a relationship for more than six months - RED FLAG
He's only had 3 other sexual partners and one of them was only a one time thing - RED FLAG
He hasn't had sex in over a year and he watches porn every night - RED FLAG

He's 33 years old people! No relationship has lasted more than 6 months?? whoah! What is up with that?
3 sexual partners wouldn't have bothered me....had the glaring fact that his LONGEST relationship was 6 months not already been presented - this guy is pretty sexually inexperienced n'est pas?
No sex in a year = lots of masturbation. Nightly porn viewing = LOTS of masturbation.

Now...don't get me wrong. I'm all for self lovin'. I have a fantastic vibrator and busy little fingers myself. There is nothing wrong with masturbation and frankly I don't think there is anything wrong with daily lovin'.

What concerns me is this: self love to pictures or videos of porn...that is just NOT real people.
It is not interactive, it is not depicting what actually happens between 2 people who care about each other. Let's face it...most porn is very male's all about the guy getting off. It is not a teaching tool on how to pleasure a woman. It is not showing you the softer side of sex.

How do you want your very first time with someone to be? (I'm talking the majority of the time...not when you are headed out with the express thought of a one night stand) Let's do the multiple choice here:
The first sexual encounter you have with a new partner that you CARE about should be:
1) all about YOU getting off
2) all about THEM getting off
3) a mutual exploration of each other's bodies for mutual pleasure?

If you chose 1 - you are a cad and likely a bad lover.
If you chose 2 - you have little to no self esteem
If you chose 3 -you are a caring person and deserve many long and mind blowing orgasms.

When Darius and I were making out and he went for second base...he was giggling like a sophomore and saying "ooOOoohhhhhHHHHhh Boobies!".
I had to inform him that this failed to turn me on and in fact...was having quite the opposite effect.

*sigh* I have suffered through bad sex before...I'm just not willing to do it again.

So here it is folks...I am asking for ADVICE!

Darius and I get along like a house on fire outside of all the sexual stuff. Should I risk it? Sleep with him and see how it goes? Can I teach him the art of loving? I am not sure I am qualified as an instructor...definitely qualified as a contestant in the game of love making...but a teacher? I just don't know.

Thinking is so important...what do YOU think?

Do I try it out with him despite the Red Flags or do I leave the boy to grow up without me?

Please give a Yay or Nay answer with at least one reason supporting your argument.


Some People’s Children

Maybe it is the waning moon, or the absolute freezing temperatures (only 2 degrees C today…unusually phreakin’ cold for Vancouver) or maybe it’s the fact that I feel I haven’t had a moment to myself in weeks…but I am feeling really sensitive and bitchy lately.

I was reading THIS article
and became shocked and a bit mistified at people's need to latch on to the negative.

It was a Fancy Dress party! Costumes! I bet someone went as Osama Bin Laden or Napoleon or Stalin or Lenin or Charles Manson…but the focus was on Bonny Prince Harry and his Nazi costume. I can’t phreakin’ believe it!

If I were to dress up as a Plumber it doesn’t mean I know any thing about the intimate workings of pipes. If Harry dressed as a plumber do you think the Plumbers Guild of England would be upset that he didn’t know how to install a toilet?

If Harry chose to dress as Lenin – who is reported to be responsible for killing over 3 millions Russians? Would that have offended? What is the difference? What about going as Jack the Ripper? Would the Feminist Groups be up in arms? What would the acceptable costume have been? It can't be Speedy Gonzalez - that might offend Mexicans. He probably should have gone as Harry Potter - he's got the name for it.

So there I was…thinking all of these things and I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I had to share with the rest of my office. So we have this discussion and it turns out that I am the only one thinking that it would be OK to dress up like a Nazi for a Fancy Dress Party.

I bet that if *I* chose to dress up like a Nazi for a Costume Party it would not be front page news. But because he’s a “royal” Harry is lambasted and called an insensitive lout!

Everyone was jumping down my throat…particularly MC. When I asked “what if I wore that to a costume party” her reply was “that is your prerogative”…as if to imply that I am a fucking Nazi! SO then I asked if she thought that by wearing the costume that it meant believing in the propaganda of the party. She replied Yes.

Well…my GOD! If that is the truth…then off the top of my head, here are the following people that are Nazi’s:
Ralph Finnes –he played one in Schindler’s List remember? Wasn’t he nominated for Best Actor for that movie???
Edward Norton – American History X
Harrison Ford – random movie that escapes me at the moment.
Sir Ian McKellen - Apt Pupil AND Richard III (it was set Hitler-style England) so he must be an UBER Nazi!!!

If I really were a Nazi I’d have the SS over to her squatting boat in a blink of an eye and Blitzkrieg the shit out of it!

Let’s think about this shall we? From all that you have gathered in reading about my life…do I seem like the kind of person to be goose-stepping on other people’s lives? Weren’t the Nazi’s supposed to be intolerant of homosexuals? I live in the WEST END people!!! Right amongst the highest concentrated population of homosexuals in Vancouver. My very building is made up of 85% gay men – most of whom are long term couples!! I love my neighbours…fashion and sex advice from the guys who know better than I do. PLUS…I have recently been swapping some yummy food recipes with a few of them.

So this is all about Some People’s Children. What I am getting at is that depending on whose kid you are…you must avoid certain costumes at all costs. If you are a Prince, you should probably stick to harmless cartoon characters. If you are just a regular Joe or Jane you can dress up as historical figures without a worry that you will be confused for holding those particular beliefs.

I once dressed up as a Geisha – I am quite certain that NO ONE would mistake me for a Japanese Escort.

How can MC tout herself out to be so Morally Superior and yet be so Intellectually Inferior?
Some people’s children…sheesh.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Gavel in Hand and Plugs in Ears

I am a typical Libra. If you are not familiar with the mystical ways of astrology, let me lay out my personality like a prostrated so-and-so.

According to the recent mumbo-jumbo in the celestrial fields here is a "typical" Libra personality:

Primary Characteristics:
Understanding, Witty
(read: good friend and comedien)

Positive Personality Traits:
Diplomatic & Urbane (read: I should work for the UN in NYC)
Easygoing and Scociable (read: I like people and parties)

Idealistic and Peacefull (read: rose coloured glasses & white doves)
Romantic and Charming (read: lots of sex, lots of wooing)

Negative Personality Traits:
Can be flirtatious and self-indulgent (read: more sex & a bit selfish)
Can be indecisive and changeable (read: wishy-washy & fickle)
Sometimes gullible and easily influenced (read: 1 born every minute)

So, why did I tell you all these things? Because my friends...I am hoping this might explain the following rant:

I really do love people. All kinds. Yes I sometimes hook up with people that treat me poorly etc and then I have to make some changes etc. HOWEVER. Having said all of that...I wouldn not be the person I am today without having encountered MANY types of people.

I object to the immediate judegment call. I would hate to be tossed aside based on one incident. I probably do give out too many chances...but there are always lines and sometimes they are crossed and other times they are drawn. My point is this : when is it that you decide that you no longer benefit or learn from another human being?

I bring this up because Simone and I were be fair...I was crapping on and on about my weekend and Simone was patiently listening to me once again. And then she asked why I was friends with Gryffin and I felt like I was being judged and then wondered why that bothered me and then I was thinking that I was being all judgy myself and thoughts went on and on just like this sentence.

I am an extremist. I am either very judgy read:Gavel in hand and plugs in my ears -nothing anyone says will sway me. Or...I'm so wishy washy that I can say A and if someone says B in a swanky way I'm libel to jump on the B Line.

I *am* selfish. Most of my friends can probably agree. I am also (I hope) very generous. I love to make people happy and comfy...I also love it when they make me happy and comfy.

What is the point of this entry? I've lost it somewhere along the B Line I think. I'm easily distracted...OOOOHHH look! Shiny object.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Neil Sedaka was RIGHT!

Alrighty. So Magellan and I are quits. Hooray! How fitting that I choose the nomical Magellan for him...this was not a forward going name and historical figures often belong in their own time frames.

To re-cap, Magellan and I went out on a total of three (3) dates before he went off to the frozen East for the Holidays. He was gone a total of 10 days. During his 10 day absence I received (in total) 28 text messages, 6 phone calls and 12 emails. That is a LOT of communication for a mere 10 day absence...don't ya think?

I understand that had I been really into him I most likely would have been overjoyed at the amount of attention he was giving me. I know this. This is why I had been dreading him coming home and the fact that I had borrowed some movies from him so that I couldn't do my normal Ostrich trick of burying my head in the sand and instead was forced to have "a chat" with Magellan.

After reading the comments from The Sunday Morning Hangover, I agreed wholeheartedly that there was no other recourse but to end my ever so brief exchange with Magellan. Then the waiting game began. I was really dreading the actual face to face encounter.

Now I understand why in the last year I had 2 men break up with me over the phone. Neil Sedaka was not kidding when he wrote that song - Breaking up IS hard to do. Especially when there really isn't anything too terribly wrong with the person. I could break up with Charles Manson without much thought given to my "speech", but with a genuinely nice (albeit all together too enthusiastic) guy like Magellan...I was working out my script in my head 2 days in advance.

I couldn't POSSIBLY break up with Magellan over the phone as I have previously ranted about the callousness of a phone break up. Also...I had to return his belongings. What a dilemma!

To his credit he took it much better than I had anticipated. We agreed to meet for coffee near his place and had a wee (awkward for me) visit before I finally came clean. I told him I had met someone new (true...will update on him soon) and that it seems to be firing on all cylinders there. I was not expecting the Spanish Inquisition from Magellan ("Noboby expects the Spanish Inquisition....our chief weapons are..."). I suppose he felt he needed to ask several questions in order to find closure and acceptance for his fate.

Initially I was reluctant to tell Magellan the truth about me meeting someone else, but as Tinfoiled had pointed out, had I simply told Magellan he seemed overly keen, he would no doubt offer to change his needy behavior in order to keep seeing me. Even if that were the case, I was still not interested in pursuing things with him.

So we parted ways on what I think was amicable terms. I have no doubt that I will not run into Magellan nor will he contact me. He seemed definite that he did not want further contact with me after my "fast moves" (his words). At one point he did bitterly retort "While the cat's away I guess the mice will play". Which I chose to ignore. I was not going to be baited into having an argument with him.

I would class this one as a Bandaid Breakup- quick and relatively painless. All in all it took me less than 10 minutes to end things with him. Fastest break up yet! I wonder if I will win a prize for that...hmmm...not likely.

I will post about the new dude soon(ish). Let's see if we make it past 3 weeks before I blog him.

So what did we learn here people??? Three things:
1) No breaking up with someone over the phone!
2) Return all possessions to the other party!
3) No body expects the Spanish Inquisition!


Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Kwerkie the Friendly Giant! Check out our shoes...Ivy and I are wearing the same inch heel. Posted by Hello

Simone and I on New Years Eve. Spot the Drunken Kwerkie! That was martini # 4...DANGER DANGER. Trust me...that photo has added 15lbs to me!! Posted by Hello

New Year Old Tricks

Alrighty....Here is the much anticipated entry about how I spent the last night of 2004.

SImone and I decided in December that we wanted to do something more Shi Shi Fah Fah than just the regular "Find pub, get drunk, snog random guy" thing. To be honest...I haven't really snogged any random guy at New Year's...but the thought was always lurking in the back of my mind.

We stumbled upon Last Night 2004 and thought we would give that a try. We even went for the full on VIP treatment. Yippee. VIP's! Martini bar...can you imagine me NOT being a VIP if they had their own martini bar? No...I rather think not! So we purchased our tickets and eagerly selected our elegant outfits for the night. I bought fancy pink shoes, fancy pink flowers and fancy undies (not pink) to wear.

I must tell you that I felt like I looked a million dollars. Attitude is everything to me sometimes...I felt wonderful. I felt beautiful and fun and all the good stuff I normally feel about myself. the pictures I am going to post will attest perception wasn't 100% matching reality. *ahem*

So Simone and I consumed Mac'ers for dinner (to aid with the soaking up of alcohol) and then proceeded to have 2 double martini's and 1 half martini at my place before heading out the Le Party. We were feeling pretty tipsy by the time we left my place.

We got about a block away from my Spanish Abode before I had to turn back and replace my funky pink shoes with more suitable black dancing shoes. There was no way I was going to be able to make any sort of serious damange in the dancing rug if I had continued to wear the happy pink shoes. So now the only colour to my outfit was my hip flower and my sunny personality.

We arrived by 10 PM, purchased 3 drink tickets and managed to make our way to the VIP lounge in time to be seranaded by the singer (forgot his name). He was doing a fabulous rendition of Barry White's "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love Baby".

We seat ourselves on the couch and took in the crowd. Seated next to us were Ivy and Manny. What a lovely couple! Manny was our photographer for the night...all the pictures above were taken by him. I think it is particularly amusing the photo of Ivy and I...right out of Gulliver's Travels that one. Depicting my voyage in Lilliput!

It should be noted that Ivy and I are both wearing the exact same height heel...2 inches. Sometimes I forget how tall I am. Othertimes I can't walk by the rec centre without getting called in for some Basketball! When I was in Thailand these kids kept trying to jump up and touch the top of my head. Even on my train ride from Malaysia to Thailand the official at the Thai border told me I was "too tall for Thailand"...I think he might have been right, though I never bumbed my head once there. *ahem* but I do digress.

Back to the party. I was happy to chat so easily with Ivy and Manny. That night I also met a bizarre German named Ulof, a stranger than fiction Israeli whos name I can't even begin to remember let alone pronounce and the professional photographer of the evening.

A lot of dancing, drinking and discussion...that was the way of the evening. I had lost Simone just as the 10 second count down to 2005 was beginning and I was frantically searching for her! There was no way I was going to be stuck with the Israeli at midnight.

3...2...(oh my god where is she??) 1 HAPPY NEW YEAR! Ahhhh There is Simone! And with a Random Dude. teehee. Hugs and kisses and I'm sure the Random Dude and the Israeli thought we were lesbians. More so later when I was only dancing with women and not any men... because there were only women LEFT at the party. All the men went home. babies!

We went over to the Fairmont Waterfront hotel where we proceeded to wait TWO AND A HALF HOURS for a taxi that was never coming. I was drunk, swearing uncontrolably and making friends with the doorman and some random puppies that were walking by. (literally...who walks their dogs at 4AM???)

A limo pulls up. The driver gets out, goes around to the side, opens the door and a fat drunken slobbery man falls out of the limo and onto the pavement. The Doorman and Driver struggle with the man's large frame to get him up and keep him stable. The Drive hands off the fat drunken slobbery man completely to the Doorman as the FDSM peels out about 10 x $100.00 bills and waves them unsteadily in the general direction of the Driver. I spy my opportunity. I give Simone a wink and off I go.

I had been trying to obscond with several random limos earlier in the evening but had not met with any we were not home and warm in my Spanish Abode but were cold and away in the lobby of the Fairmont.

So I had a wee chat with the limo driver and offered him $25.00 to drive us a mere 20 blocks. He agreed after I told him how much he looked like one of my favourite hockey players...Todd Bertuzzi. Fortunately for the Limo Driver...he happened like that I told him he was better looking than ol' Todd Bersmoochie.

I don't know if he just felt sorry for me or if I really was charming...but that Limo Driver gave me the best compliment of the night. He told me that I was the nicest person he had ever had in his limo. That was lovely. Especially as I have already mentioned that this guy is a bit of a stud muffin...I like baked goods. and sound back at the Spanish Abode by 5AM. Simone on the futon and me in my bed...I was amazed that I washed my face, brushed my teeth and even made some neocitron (was coming down with a cold).

The following day I spent huddled in the bathroom getting rid of the 9 martinis I consumed. I even managed to pull my back out! This is what they don't tell you when you hit 30 - you really can't drink like you used to and hangovers take 2 days of recouperation!

What a brilliant start to the New Year. Sick as a dog, pukeing like a dog and putting my back a dog??

It can ONLY get better from here!

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Aunty Kwerkie with her super cute nephew Noah Christmas Day 2004. Check out the bib! It reads "Are these people really my relatives". 5 months old and already he's a comedian! Posted by Hello