Tuesday, March 29, 2005

A belief in Melons

I think I mentioned before that one of my all time favourite movies is "When Harry Met Sally". I love the stories in between the story...the interviews with the old couples and their stories of how they met and how they got married etc.

My favourite couple interview is the one of Ernie Small and his wife. He crossed the room to talk to her and she though he was crossing the room to talk to her friend Maxine ("men often crossed rooms to talk to Maxine") but he came to talk to her instead. He said "Hi. I'm Ernie Small of the Coney Island Smalls" and she interjects "I knew at that moment...the way you know about a good melon".

I want to believe in melons. I think I actually DO believe in melons and I'm just timid in admitting it.

Both of my brothers are married...quite happily so it seems. I am really close with both my brothers and their wives, it's quite refreshing and lovely and I think it might be something rare as well. Not many people I know are as close-knit with their families as I am. Don't get me wrong...we have our fair share of fights and dysfunctions...but for the most part we get along famously. I love them all.

I remember talking to Kelsey (my oldest brother's wife) and asking her how she "knew" that Don (my brother) was the one. She said she just knew. Couldn't explain it...but just felt it The way you know that spring follows winter and summer follows spring. You might have learned it at one point but it's so ingrained in you...you just feel it rather than think about it. I had the same conversation with Delilah (my other brother's wife) years later. She said pretty much the same thing.

I don't believe in "Love at first sight" but I do believe in an Instant Connection. A spark or fluttery feeling or some sort of significant energy passing through and between 2 people when they meet. I felt that immediately with Ronan. I broke my own "First Date Rule" and kissed him! I wanted to kiss him within the first 20 minutes of us meeting...crazy stuff.

As I mentioned before, my feelings for Ronan don't consume me. This is a significant difference from all my past relationships. I often felt like my emotions were frantic - out of control...that I was really engulfed in them and most of my behaviour was irrational, hasty and flighty. I'm not plotting out my every move with Ronan, rather I feel that things are developing very naturally between us. I am not trying to force anything to happen, I am just enjoying things as they unfold.

Ronan comes home from his business trip on Friday and I can't wait to see him. It has been 15 days since I have seen him and I really miss him. Though I might never tell him this...I even miss his snoring! And because I am admitting all sorts of silliness here I will tell you what I miss the absolute most. In the moments when I am first awake in the morning I will cuddle up to Ronan and get wrapped up in his arms, once I am there I listen to the steady rhythm of his breathing and feel the quiet thud of his heart on my back, and in those silent moments I feel the most connected to him and believe whole heartedly in melons.

Saturday, March 26, 2005


New Orleans is not the kind of place one should ever go by themselves...unless you plan on meeting friends there at a later date...or making friends...or something!

United Airlines was delayed 2 hours out of Vancouver so I narrowly made my connection in Chicago and carried on to New Orleans. I arrived into New Orleans (or Norlyns as the locals call it) at just after 11PM on WED 16MAR. My luggage had other ideas and decided to party it up in Chicago for an extra day. Oh joy.

I soon made the acquaintance of 2 very young college boys who were there on Spring Break. They offered me $50.00 to sleep on my hotel floor...I firmly, but kindly, declined. I know from first hand experience what it is like to be a backpacker that has been stranded by friends who were supposed to come through but didn't, so my sympathy towards them was genuine...I just didn't feel right about having 2 strangers in my room. Besides that...for $50.00 why couldn't they have gotten a room at a cheapo hotel? Oh right...it was St. Patricks' Day Weekend....Still....no thank you.

I went to my hotel, checked in, went out for one beer and then back to my room. It was 2AM before I was back in my room and settling in for the night. What struck me as odd was that when I walked down Bourbon St back to my hotel...it was about 1:45AM and the street was literally packed with people drinking and dancing and generally carrying on. I soon realized that New Orleans doesn't sleep.

The bars are open at 9AM. They close at 6AM. there is a mandatory 3 hr closure imposed by law. This seemed like a good idea right?? Well...with all the "Beer To Go" cups you can carry...the bars don't have to really shut for you...you can be your own walking bar!

One sad sight stuck with me the entire 10 days I was there. Walking back to my hotel I spied 2 girls literally falling out of some random bar and into the street. They were scantily clad and just looking at them made me cold...it was only 3 degrees C outside. They were both desperately trying to hold each other up when a large group of young men approached them. Beads were waved in the air...pretty soon shirts were being lifted and both women bared their breasts to obtain these promised tokens of cheap glittery plastic. What struck me the most was that one girl took off her tank top completely, bobbed her young plump breasts proudly then fell face first into a street full of piss. Nice. Beads ladies....all for the want of crappy-ass beads...this woman didn't even seem to be phased and the men, satisfied with the view they had, walked on without helping her.

I promised Ronan that I wouldn't obtain any beads in the "usual" way when I was in New Orleans...after witnessing that horrible scene I decided I didn't want any beads in "any" manner...a badge of honour they were not!

10 days of New Orleans was too much. I enjoyed many parts of the city...the French Market, the Flea Market, Jackson Square, Riverwalk....I gave the Garden District a miss but took in a few above ground cemeteries just for fun.

By the time my school group arrived I was desperate for company...even that of 80 high school students whose names I would never fully learn or take much interest in knowing.

My High Schoolers were relatively well behaved...their Chaperones were far too laid back but then again...I am a bit of a worry wart. (tough to admit but it's true).

The highlight of my trip came unexpectedly. The last night of our trip and I was dancing my bum off (ok...not really...but trying to 2 step while still looking relatively graceful) at Mulate's in Beau Bridge (the Original "Cajun" Restaurant- very cool...highly recommend it...eat the Catfish). I had just finished a dance with a nice young man named Corey (who beamed at me and yelled above the loud music "Miss Kwerkie, this is the BEST THING that has happened to me my ENTIRE life!" When I found out he was only 15 I told him to wait a few years as things only got better from there on in).

*ahem* Enough digression...the best part of my trip...was an unexpected call from Ronan. I had been missing him an awful lot and though I would tell him...I was slightly worried that he didn't seem to miss me too much. However! The phone call was proof enough for me.

I had actually missed his call, but promptly phoned him back when I saw what I had missed. We didn't get to talk for too long...but those stolen moments, me in the bathroom and him in his hotel room with his partner; meant more to me than I could actually verbalize.

Ronan is still away on business and I miss him more now that I am home. What is comforting to know is that I do really love him...it's a soft feeling in my heart which grows and roars and then quiets down again...I am not consumed by it, but feel rather enhanced by it. It helps that I can cuddle up to his pillow and it still smells like our last morning together...the slight musk of sex but more the calming smell of Ronan.

The updates will be slow for the next while for a few reasons. 1) my lap top is broken and in the shop as it were (I am at a cafe right now waiting for my MSN date with Ronan) and 2) it is CRAZY busy season at work until mid May...my spare time will likely be few and far between.

There is an Acadian saying in N'Orlyn...and it means "Let the good times roll" but I can't spell it en Francais....TinFoiled?? a wee bit of help here?

A biento

Monday, March 14, 2005

The Whole Truth, So Help Me Blog.

I made a promise to myself when I first started this that I would write a lot of truths but pretty up some of the details to make a better story. I think that Lady K can spot my fictions faster than anyone...mostly because she has the benefit of knowing me for close to 11 years now and also because I share with her my stories (most of the time) before she reads them on here.

You remember the intimate info I mentioned giving Ronan? Well I was chicken about it and gave it to him via an email. He deleted the email...on purpose. Amazing! He said that he didn't want me to feel awkward about it and that if/when I wanted to share with him in person he'd be happy to listen. Encreable! (in my best dodgy French Accent)

So was that a test of my trust level? Was it conscious or subliminal? Who knows. I am feeling a lot more comfortable with Ronan...not that I was ever UNcomfortable to be clear...but my guards are dropping and I feel very good about being 100% myself whenever I am around him.

The past year I have been told by several people that I am a very open person. It seems funny to me to hear that as I believe that I have a lot of secrets that I do hide from most people. If you were to meet me I am sure it would shock you to know that I have 2 tattoos and an eyebrow piercing. Most people don't think I am "that type". My body art isn't that outrageous I must admit....the tattoos are very tasteful. I've had one of them for about 8 years now so I don't even see it anymore. My eyebrow ring is such a part of me that I am surprised when people point it out or ask me about it. The only one that never ceases to amaze me in it's beauty and simplicity and how well it represents me as a person is my flaming butterfly tattoo...lovingly created for me by Lady K herself!!!

I should really get some photos together of that sort of thing and post them...it would be easier to understand )I think) if you saw them all.

Next up...News on the trip to New Orleans!


Monday, March 07, 2005

Come what may

Tonight I want to talk about Trust. That's right...Trust...with a Capitol T.

I have done something which I would consider a 9 out of 10 on my Trust Factor. I gave Ronan access to some pretty intimate information...it's not really private per se...but it is something that I tend not to share.

I don't know what the ramifications will be....perhaps there will be none or maybe it will be surprisingly liberating. Who knows. Come what may I have done it and there is no turning back now. It's out there.

It's funny...I'm feeling like I did when I first said "fuck" in front of my Mum. My stomach feels giddy...like a thousand butterflies all fluttering about one moment, plummeting like rocks the next. It's out there alright...hanging in the air the same way that large buildings just don't.

I haven't spoken to Ronan since yesterday morning. I never wanted to be one of those women who called their boyfriends every day. How can he miss me if we're always together or talking etc? But here's the funny thing...I actually *do* want to call him. Just a five minute conversation..."hi, how was your day, what will you do on your day off..." that sort of thing. What I'd like is for him to feel the same. I'd like it if he called me.

Now...you know how much I hate the "game" of it all. But to be honest...I believe I'm worth the phone call. Is he working tonight? I have no clue. Is he at home watching TV? Sleeping? Je ne sais pas.

I had a very long day at work, a huge work out and I can't believe my arms are functioning enough for me to type this out.

I should probably just go to bed. I have to be up at 5:30AM to go to the gym.

Come what may...I will Trust Ronan and let a bit more of my guard down.

What guard you ask???? Those of you who know and love me will know....for you others....you'll have to stick around to find out Kwerkie's hidden barriers.

I'll give you one just for fun. I am never more unsure of my body then when I am in the half dressed stage. I am most comfortable totally naked...being half clothed makes me nervous.

Kwerkie - told you ;)

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Fake 'n Bake

Hello my lovelies.

Been a while and I am trying to keep up with all things in my life including this! I am about to be an Aunty again in T minus 4 weeks! Hoorah. Work is also crazy busy and then of course I am spending a lot of time with Ronan. Hoorah again!

I had a very brief MSN with Winter earlier this week and we talked about Faking It.

Raise your hands those of you who at one point or another faked your orgasm. (Kwerkie raises both her hands and hangs her head in shame).

It's true. I'm not proud...I'm just sharing. I spent many years faking it. MANY years. Why why why did I do that to myself? Most lovers are fairly accommodating if you give them instructions or suggestions etc, but I felt that it would be an imposition.

I think part of the problem was that though I grew up in a VERY liberal household where sex was talked about as freely as any other topic, I didn't actually believe in my heart that I could have (or deserved to have???) orgasms with a partner. I had no problems taking myself to that place of splendour. None what so ever. However, even though I was with men who excited me and wanted to please me...I don't think I ever trusted them enough to relax in order to let go. It seemed that orgasm was a goal in sex and I became so focused on the end result I forgot to enjoy the ride.

Now....before you begin to panic and think that I am faking things with Ronan...let me assure you that I am not. And while I'm at it...I have to say that I have always had MULTIPLE orgasms with him. Here I AM proud and not just sharing but BRAGGING. *ahem*

Ok...so who fakes it and why?

Winter told me that MEN sometimes fake it! Is this TRUE??? HOW is that possible??? I mean...isn't there Liquid Proof???!!!! How could a man fake it and his partner not know?
Call me weird...but I always try to sneak a peak afterwards...not that I am assuming my partner hasn't had an orgasms...but honestly...and this is where it gets very detailed and weird...so if you are squeamish stop reading now.

I don't often let a man umm..."explode" in my mouth right off the bat. That's a gift they must earn. So normally we've had sex a few times before he's allowed to orgasm in my mouth. The reason I look at the condom is to judge how much "joy juice" is in there. I mean....I need to know what I'm dealing with...I don't want to be embarrassed and choke...or worse! Nothing burns quite like semen up the nose...and it's pretty yucky too not to mention very embarrassing!

Why fake it? Communicate with your partner. Talk about sex problems OUTSIDE of the bedroom...it's easier that way. You likely already feel very exposed and vulnerable...adding nudity will only emphasize that.

Ok,...running out of time...I will continue on with this thread another day.