Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Land of the Epiphany and Home of the Brave

OK...as promised. Here is the separate entry on the book Al bought me. I'm sure that many Single people (of both genders) have heard of this book...it seems to be the hot book de jour. Have you guessed yet? This book is Epiphany Central for me!

"he's just not that into you" a book by Greg Berhrendt and Liz Tuccillo - a consultant and a writer (respectively) for that hit show Sex & The City.

First off...I feel I need to tell you that there is absolutely NOTHING in this book that I didn't already know. What IS new however, is that now that I have been reminded about all of these things, and can clearly see how I have made excuses up the wazzooo for the behavior of my past boyfriends and even myself...well...I can tell you now that I will no longer be a contestant in the Mother of All Excuses Game...and really...considering how many excuses I was making for just one of my ex's (Nelson) behavior,...I may as well have called it the Family Tree of all the Excuses...everywhere from Mother to Father to Uncles, Nieces and Cousins 7 times removed!!!

So here is the thing with this book. It lists out all the excuses you can think of as to why your sweetie patootie pants isn't acting the way you think they should in the face of True Love. It breaks them down one by one and at the end of every chapter it does a re-cap and clearly says (though not in so many words) YOU DESERVE BETTER. Let's face it, love calls you, love makes you feel sexy and desired, love listens to you, love compromises with you for mutual benefit, love does not stand you up, not call and love certainly doesn't make you ever feel like you are less than fabulous.

Here's the thing. Many women don't think they deserve better. We are bombarded by images in the media, we have placed ordinary people on extraordinary pedestals because of sports or acting or musical talent (Danger-using that "musical talent" term loosely...Britney Spears?? Ahslee/Jessica Simpson??? talent clearly lacking in music..probably bursting in blow jobs though) *Ahem* I do digress. My point is this: We are told we need to look a certain way, behave a certain way and that will make us fabulous beyond belief and we will get all the pretty boys/jocks/rich dudes we want.

Whatever happened to being fabulous just the way you are? Why do we let people treat us like garbagee? (double ee intended...say it...sounds Italian doesn't it? garbagee...fancy trash that is. ) It's not just a man thing either...that is total crap. I read a young kid's blog yesterday, he's 22 and he's pining after a woman, LIVING with a woman, who is playing him for a right ass. She is in a win win situation. She has his love and affection and undying desire to win her over, and she has a guy on the side basically doing the same thing. I couldn't help myself...I was typing unsolicited advice faster than an Agony Aunt. I hope he realizes that he's super young, super fab and needs someone to appreciate this.

It takes a great deal of courage to be yourself in the face of so many outside pressures. It takes an ENORMOUS amount of inner strength to be loving to yourself and to take yourself out of a toxic situation. Think of it this way: The longest relationship you will ever have with a human being is yourself. Value that. Love that. Be nice to yourself dammit or I'll be forced to kick your ass!! Written ass kicking is a lot easier than actual physical ass kicking...and I can't afford to fly all over the globe just to kick half the people that need it...so do yourself and my bank account a favour and repeat after me:

I will honour myself and not let assholes treat me like their personal crapper.

I do think that everyone...of every gender, should read this book. I read several reviews and found the most negative comments came from men who read the book. I think they failed to see is that the authors are NOT painting every man with the same brush...they are just warning people about behavioral patterns that are particularly toxic.

What I loved about this book is that they kept reinforcing the fact that we already knew everything in the book...but the key is to IMPLEMENT it in your life. In this age of 4 BILLION self-help books, it's nice to be told "Hi - You know all this stuff...you're just not using your noggin'...now go to it".

The book simply doesn't allow you to wallow. I'm sometimes a bit of a wallower. I have decided to become ACTION CHICKY instead. I might even wear a cape!

Yes...question from the fab chickita in the back, go ahead chickita.

"Hi Kwerkie. I am in love...but my boyfriend and I sometimes fight...are you suggesting I dump him if I don't always get my way?"

Don't be silly you Fab Chickita you! Fighting sometimes happens and is natural. Treating the other person like garbagee is not. A relationship is not always going to be sunshine and lollipops. What it should never be however, it demoralizing, deflating and decrappy. Disagreeing or fighting with someone does not give you the right to make them feel like less of a person.

Now be kind to yourself. Don't put up with garbagee and above all...be brave. And if you are so inclined...wear a cape!

Cheerios for now. (Shreddies for later)

Sunday, December 26, 2004

He's just too into me

Ok...so Christmas is over and I have loads of happy things, some weird things and a giant phreakin' TV to show for it all.

I also have no less than 10 text messages, 1 phone call and 2 voice mails from Magellan in the last TWO days! TWO!!! 2...that's about 48 hours people.

My brother Albert bought me a FABULOUS book that I will blog about separately from this entry. Sufficed to say that I have nearly finished said book and have used it to analyze Magellan's behavior. Conclusion: He's SOOO into me it hurts.

I hate the imbalance of it. He's SUPER into me. This should make me happy yes? Why doesn't it? It's because I'm just not sold on the idea of Magellan. He's very nice, considerate, good kisser...but he smokes, he is needy and he doesn't believe in going to fancy restaurants once in a while. If he can't wear jeans and t-shirt...he doesn't want to go. Now that my friends, is just plain crazy talk!

I'm not sayin' that I want or indeed expect to be taken to such places as Gotham's, or the Lions or even Aquariva. What I am saying, is that he should WANT to see me in a skirt...a sexy little number with a lonnnngggg slit perhaps. I'm nearly 6ft tall...my legs are one of my best physical assets...he really ought to want to see me show those off!

Besides that...what the hell is a matter with me??? He's nice. He's cute. He's attracted to me. He has a job he's passionate about and he seems to be a fairly genuine person.

I think I know what it is...words - specifically the lack thereof. It's not that he's not communicative...it's just that his choice of words lack flare, expression and more than 2 syllables!

I do not want to be suffering from the grass is always greener on the other side...or worse yet...the "you must be a bigger phreak than me" syndrome. If you are not familiar with this...let me explain.

Many people, though it seems to be predominant in women, think that there is something innately wrong with them. It could be physical - weight, or acne or a big nose etc, or it could be emotional - frigid or needy or angry. This can be a block and interfere when someone is trying to woo us. We think "Hey...I'm damaged in this way...and if you like me, then you must have even MORE problems/damage than me!"

I know in which ways I fear I may be damaged or phreaky etc. I recognize quite a few of them in Magellan as well. And maybe it's that, coupled with a need for words, that is making me shy away.

So here's my solution: breathe. Maybe I can just see where this goes. Maybe I can let go and just see. The problem with letting go is my fear of falling.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

The Triplets of Singleville

Yesterday I found my Blog Twin and today I discovered that I am in fact a Triplet. Let's not kid ourselves though...there are probably over a million blogs...and I am sure that there are more than just 3 that are written by women about their love lives. Applying the laws of Statistics as well as the Chaos Theory and I am sure that we can agree that there are likely 300 blogs similar to mine in English...let's not worry about the other languages for now.

So initially I was thrilled. Hurray! Sharing. Learning. Yippee. I stumbled on Serially Single's blog and was happy to find a kindred spirit...even if that spirit lives in a different country, much more metropolitan city, and is a bit younger than I am. I found the most interesting phenomenon -her post and my post were nearly identical in concept.

So then this morning I received an email from SlimKatie and she informed me that she too writes on a similar topic and she gave me some spelling corrections (mental note...must become a better speller and user of spell check). So I decided to check her site out. Woah. The topic is the same yes, but I believe that is where the similarities end as our approach to dating are so clearly polar opposites. I admire SlimKatie for her convictions and up-scale attitudes...I just prefer a more low-maintenance approach. It's all the little things that woo me really.

I want to be very clear here. I am not slagging my Blog Sisters. We all have our own voices, our own unique approach and thank god for that! If we were all the same...then being single would truly suck donkey ass as we'd all be looking for the same man and no good could come of that.

Having said that, today I feel the need to reflect on my behavior...my ideas about a relationship and my approach to men specifically. Here is my top 6 list for what I want in a man.

1) Intelligence. I do not want to have to dumb it down for anyone and I appreciate a good verbal debate. I want a man with a mind of his own and the ability to back up his convictions.

2) Good Communication Skills. This doesn't necessarily go hand in hand with #1 though I believe it should. I want a man who can share his thoughts and emotions, needs and desires with me....communicate with me.

3) A wonderful smile. I'm not demanding $3000.00 worth of orthodontics or whitening treatments....I'm talking about a sincere smile that is reflected in his eyes and reverberated in his laughter.

4) Speaking of laughter...great sense of humour. I think I'm funny. Laugh dammit!

5) Sense of adventure. Seriously...make sure your passport is up to date when you hang out with me....you never know when Fiji beckons.

6) Good Health. This doesn't necessarily mean having a washboard stomach and a chiseled back. I struggle with my weight sometimes but I am not obsessed with the gym. I need a partner who can do the Grouse Grind with me in 2 hours or less, walk the 10km Seawall with me in less than 1hr 30 mins.

I don't want to be the only person earning money in the relationship...that is a lot pressure. HOWEVER, requiring them to make oodles of casholah and retiring at the age of 40 is not something that is important to me. How old do you think Donald Trump is? Richard Branson? Bill Gates? These men still work because they love what they do. I admire a man who is good at his chosen career path and has a passion for it.

I am SUCH a greenie. I don't own a car and I don't care if my partner does either. I ride my bike, I walk (a lot) and take transit if need be. If he did own a car...please ne pas de SUV. This is Vancouver...not Whistler...there are no mountains downtown that you need to navigate through.

I am a pretty approachable person. I also like to approach people myself. I don't know if I have any standard sort of pick up line though. I usually comment on something that is either happening in the immediate vicinity, an article of clothing or some form of nearby literature. I am particularly attracted to guys who read interesting books on the train.

So now I begin to think...hmmm...has the horse had enough? NONSENSE! See here for why.

So a final note to my Blogging Sisters- I wish for you this Holiday Season much love and laughter...in all their forms. And if you happen to stumble upon any Blogging Brothers....let me know. I have yet to find a man's opinions about this stuff.


Holiday Honey? Christmas Cutie? Chuanukah Bunnikah??

One of my All Time Favourite movies is When Harry Met Sally. I think a lot more relationships would "survive" if more couples watched that movie and then discussed it together - just a theory though...don't go moaning to me if it doesn't provide you with the miracles you need to have a "successful" relationship. (what a useless pop-psychology term).

One of the best lines in that movie is "The Holidays are tough. Every year I just try to get from Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Years". I guess that this explains the Holiday Honey theory I have.

It is amazing to me how many more men will hit on me closer to the holidays. Personally....I don't need to wait until the Holidays to get depressed about single. In fact, honestly, I really am not that depressed about being single. Why would I want to "settle" , lower my standards, ruin my sense of self-esteem and all of the other negative things we do when we "settle" for someone that just isn't our whole package?

What is it about the Holidays that makes people feel the need to hook up? True it's a time for peace and love in the world, but isn't the idea of Christmas to keep the love for your fellow peoples in your heart the whole year round? Is December the one month out of the year that people who don't know you will try to be nice to you?. December has the highest retail sales of any other month. That means people are either mindlessly buying crap because they've been brainwashed...or they are feeling generous and loving. I'm going with what is behind door #1...how about you?

So what is up with all these men falling over themselves at me lately? Am I to assume that these men are just feeling an over-abundance of generosity and love and wish to share that with any random female stranger? Or is it something a little more along the lines of feeling lonely at a time when there is so much emphasis being put on your "loved ones" and that "someone special". Again...how about that door folks? #2 looks good doesn't it??

I am kinda (sorta maybe) dating a guy whom I shall call Magellan. (Don't ask, just accept it). So Magellan is probably not going to make it too far past Christmas with me. He is needy and a bit of a Mamma's Boy and he needs constant reassuring. I'd like to put it down to his age; however, at 29 you'd think he'd be a bit more together. The man apologizes FAR too much...for EVERYTHING. He also asks questions that are better left unanswered - specifically about my sexual history. I am the believer in what happened before me, does not concern me. Sure there are some questions I ask too...but I am pretty much prepared for the answer. Magellan was very intimidated by my answers.

I guess that Christmas isn't about having a relationship for me. I don't feel any more lonely or together at Christmas time. I focus on family, friends, lots of Christmas cheer (glug glug glug) and the fun that is decorating my tree. I don't really have much time to date over the holidays and I'm happy that the financial burden of buying one more gift is lifted. Or is it???

Magellan bought me a small gift before he headed to the frozen wasteland of Toronto to spend Christmas with his family. The gifts themselves were not much...but here's the thing ...it really IS the thought that counts for me. I didn't even think to get him anything. Not even a beer. Nothing. If I really wanted to be a megalomaniac...I could say that dating me IS his present. hahahha. (ahem).

Do I want a boyfriend at Christmas time? No more so than at any other time. I don't suffer from the Holiday Honey syndrome...do you?

Merry Christmas! Joyeux Noel!


Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Random Thoughts...some of them aren't even mine

So I decided to check out that Next Blog button. Wholly Crap. Ok...not all of it is crap. But there are a LOT of people that blog and unfortunately...not all of it is good, insightful, worthwhile or meaningful to me. (check out the qualifiers in that one).

I admit I blow by the ones that appear in different languages. Yes I could probably struggle through the French and German ones...but I prefer to rant in English - the language that is most abused. Also, the cutesy ones just don't appeal to me. Blogs with names like "Angel Wings" and "All you ever wanted to know about shoulder pain" I skip faster than smooth rocks across a pond. I don't think I need to be enlightened in detail about shoulder pain...I've had it, gotten over it, moved on.

There are of course, blogs out there that are better than mine (difficult to admit but I'm learning to eat humble pie here) and here are a few that I think are Fab. (no particular order)

Destiny's Bastard: This one is worth a read. Check out the Stalker post....bluddy good.
It's probably not fair to try to sum this man up with one word, but I don't want to go on and on...so here's the word I have chosen : poignant.
I don't know what a pomosexual is...and to be honest, that makes me feel old. That and the 3 grey hairs I saw this morning. They must not have seen the eviction notice and though there was a small scuffle...they were removed post haste!

Every now and again I succumb to a craving for PIZZA and order it. Here I don't have to pay for the toppings I like best. Read the Hurricane post....beautiful. I have a similar story that I have not shared on here...a bit too personal...and really...the $175.00 fine EACH we received for "lude behaviour in public" and "indecent exposure" plus the lipping off I gave the mounted cop (he was on horse...don't get too dirty now) probably doesn't leave me looking all sunshine sweet.

Sadly there are other blogs who's names I don't remember and who's links I didn't ask for or copy without permission and they are brilliant as well.

2 of note though.

1) written by a man who gave a very detailed, graphic and yet poetic account of performing the delicate art of cunnilingus.

2) written by a waiter in NYC who gave an account of a woman who ordered, and ate, 14 dishes (6 appetizer, 4 entres and 4 desserts)and drank 35 drinks. No she was not a cow-woman with 4 stomachs...but in fact bulemic. The dinner cost $600.00 ...what was the price her body paid I wonder?

I promise to keep updating you with the interesting blogs as I come across them.


Monday, December 20, 2004

The Boomerang Effect

Ok...I've put this one off long enough.

The thing about a Boomerang is that it comes back. It is a very cleverly designed and pleasingly shaped bit of wood that when thrown at a certain angle will come back to you. They were used by the Aboriginal peoples of Australia to kill their prey. Yes..that's right...KILL their prey - ok...maybe not kill...but stun so that they can then jab the prey with a spear and thus rendering it (the prey) dead. Sometimes the inexperienced will throw a boomerangs and it comes back and smacks them in the head. Lucky for me , I might not have a good throwing arm...but at least I know when to duck.

Jon is a Boomerang. One week (nearly to the day) after we were over (on the phone remember? Where are those bluddy dating rules????!!!) he phones me. He needs to see me, I left something at his place he wants to return, he wants to see me...wants to know that I don't hate him.

Fine. I tell him I don't hate him (this isn't a lie) and I allow him into my apartment. He arrives over an HOUR late and is a) looking like he was recently voted Scruffiest Man of the Year and b) is loaded -both with money and alcohol...an interesting combo.

So I left some cash at his place (allegedly). I don't remember doing this...but I guess I left $40.00 at his place and I assumed I had just spent it on...well....who knows what really. Ok...so he gives me my $$ back. Then he craps on about how the sex was between us was mediocre at best. This is a bit on the true side...it was fun...but it wasn't exactly great sex. He's too obsessed with the size of his penis and for that reason he is not much into receiving oral sex because it only makes him think that I am somehow judging him by his size. *sigh*


*Side Note* The best lover I ever had, also happened to have the smallest penis. This is not a slight against him...he knew what he had to work with as far as his anatomy was concerned and he became very very good at absolutely everything.

Ok, back to the Boomerang. So he says this...says that he was looking for ALL the qualities in a partner...sexual fireworks, intelligence, blah blah blah...same list pretty much everyone is looking for. He informs me that I have all bar 2 of them covered...the ones I'm am lacking is sexual fireworks and confidence. Whatever Trevor!

I must have sounded like a broken record that night. I kept asking him what he was doing there. Why he wanted to see me so badly etc etc. He then tries a new tactic. "I am drawn to you." Basically he wanted a bit of a booty call and I wasn't answering.

I told him that if we are to date again etc, that somethings would need to be addressed. His drinking for one. I told him I believed he had a problem and that if we could go on several alcohol free dates that would be a good start. So he said he'd like that. He wants to try to rectify things and make time for me etc etc but that he's going to the Philippines for a month. We make tentative plans for the upcoming Saturday.

Saturday comes and we don't see each other . He doesn't want to come to my cat infested place and I am not allowed at his house when his roommates are there. So we agree to give it a miss.

I have yet to hear from him since.

He's drawn to me?? Yeah....like a water colour painting left out in the rain!

I'm glad I threw that boomerang out...good thing I know when to duck!

I am thinking now how clever it would have been to say to him "Yeah...drawn to me like a bad conclusion or a cheap cartoon".

He's drawn to me alright...but I'm armed with an eraser.

What dreams may come

I had the most delicious dream last night. The best part about the dream is that it was actually based largely on an actual event.

I think I have mentioned before the mind blowing sex I experienced during my time with Nelson - probably the sole reason why I have found it so hard to get over him. It's difficult to want to give up so much pleasure...particularly just when I have found my own sexual "voice" (for lack of a better term).

The dream was what happened in our suite at the Fairmont. Our room was elegant. I felt confident and stunning...we had been making bible jokes all through dinner and once we got to the hotel they just kept flowing. While he was in the lou I opened the bottle of wine, sat on the bed with my glass and got the bible out from the side table. I was trying to find a particularly bizarre entry to make fun of.

When Nelson came out of the bathroom I made quite the site. There I was - bible in one hand, wine in the other, legs bent at the knees, my skirt inadvertently hitched up giving evidence to what he had earlier suspected. (use your imagination)

I looked up to find him already in just his boxers - protruding from them quite unexpectedly. Was I looking like the whore of Babylon? Maybe. Before I had a moment to put glass or book down...Nelson was upon me and between me.

I will not regale you with the most intimate details of the dream. Needless to say I was reluctant to wake and spent quite some time in bed being very very kind to myself before getting out of bed.

Men who are very good at oral sex and who enjoy it are a rare rare find. Ladies, if you happen to have someone who is mildly talented at cunnilingus...but thankful...if you have someone who is extremely proficient at it...be grateful in the best way you know how. Nelson happened to be very good at this, he enjoyed doing it...and I couldn't really get enough of it.

I don't mind admitting that the best sex advice I have ever received was at a party some years ago from a room full of gay men - they were giving tips on how to give a really good blow job. There were demonstrations on fruit and suggestions for the more adventurous. They even had advice for what to do if you feel you might choke, how to give what they called the "quickie blow" (basically how to give a man an orgasm with your mouth in under 5 minutes - this does work but really...why end things so soon??), and the various way to handle the orgasm (spit, swallow or the open air).

I really felt like they could have done an instructional video. Who knows what a man likes better than a man right? Once I had these nuggets of priceless information I started receiving rave reviews on my own performance. Even my boyfriend at the time was shocked and pleasantly surprised by my new found knowledge and confidence in this area.

Thank goodness for the teachers out there - the lovers that take the time and the initiative, the men at parties who think they are being funny but are in fact sharing valuable information and mostly, thank goodness for lovers in general.

It was a lovely dream, a happy memory and I started my day with flushed cheeks.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Deliver Me

There is nothing worse than being sick...unless you are sick by your own hand. I don't even know what I had...hang over? yucky tummy due to bad draft beer? was the chicken not fully cooked in my curry bowl on Thursday? I don't know.

I missed my work Christmas Luncheon on Friday. I had been looking forward to this for WEEKS. Had even bought a new top to wear for it. Granted the top was $10.00 and I am sure I can wear it again etc etc,..HOWEVER...it's not the point. The point is...I wanted to be eating and drinking and making merry at CinCins with my colleagues instead of being driven home by my boss and desperately trying to avoid puking in his car.

Initially I tried to treat it like a hang over. 1 Martini and 2 Beers don't normally send me praying to the porcelain god....but I am getting older and I have noticed that my body just doesn't process alcohol as well. I am beginning to think that my liver has a "NO VACANCY" sign posted and I just haven't seen the neon sign yet. So Friday morning I got up and tried to steady my dodgy tummy. I drank 2 big glasses of water. I promptly threw them up.

I managed to pull myself to together and get ready for work. I even managed to pack up all my New Year's Eve gear to do the fashion parade so that I could get an opinion about what to wear etc. I had EVEN remembered to bring the corkscrew so that we could have some of the fancy wine before going to lunch.

I went to McDonald's and got myself 2 hashbrowns and some orange juice - my hang over cure. But this did not sit well. In fact...it only had 10 minutes to sit in my tummy before being evicted. I decided that drastic measures had to be taken. I went across the street to Shoppers Drug Mart in order to buy some Pepto Bismal. This was less than successful.

I managed to find the Pepto...I managed to make my way to the counter....and then rudely and desperately interrupted the sales lady to urgently obtain a plastic bag. I put the Pepto down and ran outside and then threw up into the bag...this was most embarrassing...I was there...in plain view of both vehicular and pedestrian traffic. I tried to hide as best I could in the corner and was praying that no one came to try to help me.

There is nothing I hate worse than vomiting. I feel like such an animal when I puke. This feeling of disgust was only heightened by the fact that I had to vomit outside in public like a dog! The only thing I kept thinking was "God! Deliver me from this!".

I got back to the office, had some Pepto Bismal, puked that up. I can tell you that nothing seemed more worrisome to me on Friday than puking up neon pink anti-puke medicine. Anyway....to make a long storey about expelling one's guts even longer...I got back to the office and my boss basically told me to go home. When it appeared to him that I wasn't prepared to do this and that I was trying to ride out the illness and still make it for lunch...he drove me home.

So I spent what would have been a very joyous Friday afternoon in bed. At around 6:30PM when the second glass of water I had drank decided to stay down...I began to think that it would be a good idea to try to eat something and also re-hydrate my body. I looked around the disaster that is my apartment and thought "God! Deliver me some crackers and ginger ale. And a Molly Maid."

I spent some time thinking about what it's like being single and sick. When you are alone...no one is there to ask if you are feeling better, if you need more Kleenex or would like them to pop around to the shops for some Ginger Ale. When you are single and sick, you are truly alone with your own misery and this can be both good and bad. Good because you are not subjecting anyone else to your germs and bad vibes. Bad because no one is there to tell you that your germs are sexy and to try to cheer you up.

I also spent some time thinking about the sorts of things I really do want to be available for delivery. In Australia there is a service where you can get just about everything delivered. It's one phone call to one shop- you place your order and can have any of the following delivered to you : alcohol (beer and wine only at the time I was there...but they were trying to get harder liquor approved for delivery as well), snacks (not major groceries though you could get milk and sausages), tampons (this seemed like a brilliant idea) and pet food.

So here are somethings I think ought to be available for delivery from a service such as they have in Australia: tylenol (or other pain killer), lip balm, cookies (chocolate chip, oatmeal & raisin and digestive), cheese - the fancy kinds, wine (good stuff...not that white zinfandel crap), movies (all kinds), cat litter and toilet paper.

Ok Ok...I hear you say "deliver me from this entry". And so I shall.


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Get on the groovy train


Lady K has started her own blog. There you may read and witness and be regaled by all things that this Goddess of Art creates, thinks about creating and comments on creation in general. Lady K is absolutely, and without a doubt, one of my closest and dearest and most treasured friends. No matter how many times I fall to pieces...she can put me back together again. I secretly believe she has a map of me tucked away somewhere and can refer to it easily should I become shattered and she finds herself having to reassemble me. Yes, I am Humpty Dumpty and I often take nasty spills of the wall of Love...and who needs all the Kings Horses when you have such a beautiful friend as Lady K?

The other thing I must point out is that Lady K herself is very good with words and sayings. I admit I have fully stolen a few of them- I will share one with you now. "Marinate in your singleness" The wit and wisdom in this sentence is staggering. She is also the genius behind the Dating citations....soon you will hear all about these and how I plan to execute them.

Honestly...you really must check out her site and be in awe of all her art! I am. She even designed my beautiful butterfly tattoo and I tell everyone who will listen to me about it. I am also fortunate to have one of her Faery Bra Paintings hanging in my dining room.

As I am a technological peasant...I have been blogging since Sept but only just today figured out how to light up Lady K and provide the much needed link to her site.

Lady K has also been kind enough to give me Tinfoiled's blog. He is currently living in le joilie Paris and you may read about his adventures and evocative observations. It is an understatement to say that it is an absolute delight to talk with him and if you read his blog you will understand my meaning. Words Words Words people....a thesaurus for everyone this Christmas!

I am so excited but in an enormous amount of pain. How much more can I type with my migraine in full swing? Not much more and certainly not something particularly creative.
Best to go and soak my head really.

Bon Soir!
Good night

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Private Kwerkie -the Revolutionist.

Ok...this has absolutely nothing to do with being single or in a relationship or any of that stuff. This rant is purely based on just how much I hate the government, politics in general and people asking me questions I don't feel arsed to answer.

I have received a few letters in the snail mail from Statistics Canada. I have opened them...read them...and then prompty recycled them. I have come home and had a few recordings on my answering machine...however...the message must clearly start when my answering maching picks up....because when at long last the "Beep" goes I heard this "...ple in Alberta call 1 866..." You get my point. There was nothing to identify who was calling or for what purpose and they leave a number for Albertans to call back.

A few things to know about me. I often do screne my calls. I just do. Sometimes I like to not talk to people...even my friends whom I love very dearly. Some days I just don't feel like sharing or listening. I am sure we all go through that.

Sooo...if I get a message that doesn't give me ANY clue as to who they are or what they are calling about and gives me a phone number for a different province...you can bet that I won't be returning said phone call.

Well...sad for me...tonight I answered my phone and it was Stats Frickin' Canada on the other end. I missed the last 5 minutes of the Brad May and Friends hockey game....it was probably the ONLY hockey I am going to see this year...and I missed the last 5 mins because of a fucking survey that I don't even want to take.

When I found out it was Stats Can...I was immediately defensive and rude. It was 7:45PM on MY Sunday night. No Government reason is important enough to call me on my day off at 7:45PM. I am fairly certain that politicians are not working that late for me.
Besides that.....HOCKEY DAMMIT!!!

So this woman informs me that it is MANDATORY that I answer these personal questions. Age, Gender, Address, Hours of work, place of work, monies earned blah blah blah. Umm...hellooo....isn't that what my taxes are for?? Can I help it if Revenue Canada doesn't talk to Statistics Canada? Why is it my fault that the government families don't get along or share well?

Now...I get that finding out the unemployement rate is pretty important to our economy. However...what I don't get...is why anyone who is warry or in fact, as obstinant as I am about giving out my personal information, should be punished for it. I can see you shaking your head in confusion....I KNOW I share an awful lot of personal stuff on here. But c'mon...it's not like you can actually DO anything with that information...maybe you can learn from it....maybe you can process it...maybe one day you'll try to use it to blackmail me though for what reason I can not even begin to fathom.

Let me be very clear here. Here are the following questions I refused to answer: Name, Place of Work, Income Earned, Hours of Work. Do you want to know why? Because my mother has made me paranoid! Yes that's right...like a good Gen. X or Gen Y or Next Gen or whatever the hell category I fall into, I am going to lay all my wierd behavioural issues on my parents.

If someone knows where I live, my name, my place of work and the hours I'm there from Mon-Fri...perhaps that person can get into my abode in my absense and rob me phreakin' blind! Oh Kwerkie isn't here from X time to X time and because she makes X amount of $$ she probably has lots of toys and goodies in her apartment that we can steal etc.

Ok Ok...I know that is probably over the edge. STILL. Why mandatory? Why? Use someone else as part of your sample. What if I just made it all up?

Name: Normal Normal McNormal....winner of last year's Normal competition who never did anything

Occupation: Full Time Lunar Marine Biologist MON-FRI.
Part Time Under Water Fire Fighter Sat afternoons.

Monthly Income: From the LMB I make $6000.00 a month but I am expecting to get a bonus of $8000.00 for
any proof finding the ever so elusive Cosmo Dolphin.
From the UWFF I get all my scuba gear for free.

So here are the lesson - blame others for your strange behaviour because you can
- skew any gov't surveys....it's the one chance you get to screw them back.

End Rant.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Scrabble, Monopoly and Dating - the games we play

I don't think that it is coincidence that people refer to it as the dating "Game". Wasn't there a TV show called that as well? A real live game where you had to guess what your partner answered to often some pretty silly and sometimes some pretty enlightening questions. Or was that the Newly Wed Game? It hardly matters really. Though isn't it bizarre how the games continue on from dating to marriage?

Last night I went on a date that was apparently based on the point system. Had I known I was being graded the entire date, I might have studied up before hand. Still - it makes for a good point on this blog. This guy was obviously all about the "game" of dating. Personally...I like to meet someone, see if there is chemistry and see if we can have interesting conversations. It is important to note that I am also looking for that elusive comfortable silence in between discussing world events and pop culture. Is there a point system with me? Hardly. I am a very emotional person...I lead with my heart not my brain...too often we have seen how this gets me into all sorts of trouble. However...my point is this...no points please.

After my fairly poor date last night I met up with Malcolm and his peeps at Doolin's. I couldn't believe there was a line up....I couldn't believe my charming smile didn't get me past the line up...I was happily rescued by Malcolm and only had to wait about 5 minutes in the "VIP" line.

Always a treat to see Malcolm -his energy is bigger than mine! We chit chatted about all sorts of things and I regaled him with the events of my date that ended just 30 minutes prior. I was pretty much exhausted from lack of sleep the night before and my work out session at the gym after work (how I had the energy for that I will never know) so when the party moved downstairs for some boogeying...I decided to mosey on home. The 25 minute walk home did me good I think. I could feel my legs begin to seize up while standing at the bar...so moving them was good.

Back to the games. Malcolm has told me that he has a Stalker! It's unbelievable! Not because Malcolm isn't "stalker worthy"...but because I can't believe that someone would be so insistent in the face of so much dis-interest. (if that's not a word...it should be). Stalking is a very Dangerous Game.

Anyway....so Stalker Chicky showed up at the bar after I left and Malcolm finally had a chance to talk to her face to face and say that basically...he just wasn't interested in her. So then she comes back with "Yeah....me neither". What? Ummm...Excuse me...she was the one sending him 4 billion text messages/msn messages a day blah blah blah. Strange what we do to protect our own egos. Malcolm then informed me that he was unable to say goodbye to her before he and his crew left the club.... so she ended up texting him long messages. Helloooo....does she just not get it??? Earth to Stalker Girl....get a grip!! Even *I* got it pretty quickly with Malcolm.

Guess where I met Malcolm? Yup...you guessed it. I had a very nice time on our date and though I think Malcolm was disgusted at how I clearly can not handle my liquor, I think he has forgiven me my sins. teehee. Malcolm just wasn't interested in pursuing anything romantic with me....I didn't feel the need to beg and plead with him and try to force him to feel or think something that he just wasn't feeling or thinking. After our date Malcolm sort of disappeared for a while. When he finally did re-emerge some weeks had passed and I didn't have to ask him if he was interested in me...his lack of communication with me said it all.

When he finally did re-emerge, we pretty much picked up the MSNing that we had in the past. Witty banter (I admit he is wittier than I) and discussion about music and life in general. We met up again for a concert and that was cool to hang out with him there. He's a bigger music phreak than I am. If I had had more energy last night I'm sure we would have cut a rug and had a great time. Sometimes it's just really nice to hang out with very cool people and not have to think about what you look like or what they are thinking about you etc. That is how I feel when I see Malcolm...very relaxed and just out to have a great time.

I guess I am not really equipped to date. I don't treat it like a game. I don't like the point system, I don't like the lies...regardless of the colour - that seem to go along with dating.

Here are the games I enjoy playing - scrabble, monopoly, pictionary, cranium and scatagories.

ok..that's it for today. Game On.


Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Theory of 1000 Monkies

I was chatting happily with Malcolm (The Eye Guy) last night and we stumbled upon a bit of a conondrum.

We are both single and in our 30's and finding it a bit hard to meet other singles that are our cup of tea/mug of beer/glass of wine/or martini shaker.

One thing that Malcolm had told me which I initially thought was cute, was that many of his married friends were trying to set him up with random females. This sounds like a great idea...having your married friends looking out for you like that. However, this is not truely the case as Malcolm explains. They weren't taking into consideration anything they knew about Malcolm or anything that they knew about the women. I think they were trying to go with the "1000 Monkies" Theory.

Isn't it the theory that if you locked 1000 monkies in a room with typwriters that eventually they will write a Shakespaerean sonnet? I think Malcolm's friends were thinking that if they locked Malcolm in a room with a bunch of single women that eventually he will hook up with one.

Where as from a lab-rat point of view this *may* happen..last man on earth and all that- really, there are so many factors and variables when it comes to finding someone attractive and engaging that sometimes being set up isn't the best thing at all.

I have been on *countless* blind dates. Ok...maybe not countless..because thinking about it there have been 5 truely blind dates (including a blind date with a blind guy - a story for another time) - but my point is this: It is best to choose for yourself rather than rely on your friends to choose for you.

I once was set up by one of my BROTHERS! Who knows you more than family right? WRONG! The guy he set me up with was sooo not my style. I think I am pretty high energy...I talk a lot, I ask an enormous amount of questions, I am curious about people in general and my surroundings in particular. This guy was so quiet, so linear, a virtual social recluse and he thought my being excited to go to the Art Gallery was (and I'm going to quote him here) "A waste of emotion". Anyhooo...I wasn't quite his cup of tepid tea either. If I were a drink...I might be something with a bit more zip to it.

What I think, is that Married People think that all Single People are jealous of their (MP) partnership, and that most Single People think that Married People are jealous of their (SP) carefree lifestyle. So what are we talking about here? Jealousy and Misinformation- a dangerous mix really.

There are probably grains of truth in both of the statements...BUT...I look at some couples that I know...and I wouldn't want what they have.

My Colleague (remember her from It's Peeeeeooopllee) is married to a control phreak! This guy is a deadbeat loser guy - they are squatters in False Creek (dont' even get me started there) and he doesn't work...doesn't pay taxes...she's the bread winner...but they NEVER EVER, not ONCE do any of the leisure activities that she is interested in. It is all His way or the Waterway baby. He's also on her about her weight all the time and basically tells her that he'll leave her if she gains more than 20lbs. Wholly crap batman! EJECT EJECT EJECT!

I once dated a guy who thought I was too fat to fuck. Forget it. I will not put myself in a position of humiliation like that again. I am stunning...just look at me! Yes I need to shed about 20lbs to be fit and athletic...but I am by no means obese or at any sort of serious health risk. I want to lose the weight for my own sense of asthetics...not to please some man who can't see beyond the outter shell.

Now don't crap on that I don't care about apperances. Of course chemistry and attraction are mostly based on physical looks...but I believe that I have a unique sense of beauty. I am attracted to guys who are built more like football/rugby/hockey players than track and field. I love a broad chest, nice bum and big arms to be wrapped up in. I get wigged out if the guy is much skinnier than I am. It's the sense of physical strength I go for I think.

Haveing said all of that...looks will only get you so far. I am not interested in dating the "pretty boy" who can't have an intelligent conversation with me. I love a man with good communication skills...using monosylabic words will bore me to tears. However, engage me in a discussion that challenges my brain and you'll win me over more than a Colgate Smile and nice set of pecks.

So am I jealous of my married friends? On ocasion. Are they jealous of me? I doubt it. Even Dan Brown commented that he was so glad to be out of the dating scene. It's not a scene...it's a phreakin' jungle!


Monday, December 06, 2004

The Accidental Tourist

Oh my goodnesssssss.

I received my very first "comment" on my blog! Thank god! I was beginning to think that only Dan Brown, Aramous, Lady K and the Bears read my blog. Oh wait...maybe Giermo still reads it...maybe. Also, I gave my link to The Eye Guy today...I wonder if he will indeed check it out.

It would be nice to think that the rest of the Clan reads this..but as far as I know, only Papa Bear and Lady K do. So far ne pas de comment from Goatboy...though I imagine him reading, chewing at his beard and laughing raucously at my foibles. (A note on Goatboy - possibly the best kisser I've ever been fortunate to lock lips with.)

So another blogger posted to my "Let's Talk About Sex Baby" post. Hurray. Yes my blog is shoot-from-the-hip as opposed to out-of-the-side-of-my-mouth and I full admit that on ocasion, I do talk-out-my-ass, but aside from all that anatomy, this blog is really ME. (I was going to say Me on paper...but that isn't correct and me on screen seems even more egotistical than normal...even for me)

So hurray.

One thing I have noticed...is that my blog on here only appears to have 1 post and a mere 233 words written. Now we all know that this simply isn't true...but I have no way of correcting this misinformation. I have put a few questions out to Blogger help...and alas...ne pas de response!!! Mon Dieux!! I have looked and peered and changed settings etc...but nothing seems to work. I guess if I can see the posts than you can see them and it probably doesn't matter that much anyway.

I'm not under some sort of illusion that someone will stumble upon my blog like some sort of accidental tourist and suddenly give me book, tv or movie deals. I don't expect fame or much recognition (check out that nice qualifier)...but I certainly hope that people can learn or just have have a laugh really.

Is this a journal?...in part. Is my ego out of control on here?...sometimes. I am trying to be as honest as possible without being predictable - got I hate predictable.

The only thing I admit to being 100% guilty of in the realm of predictability...is that every single morning MON-FRI at exactly 8:15AM, I walk into the Megabucks in the bottom of my office building and order a "tall mild in a grande cup". Now...this seems simple enough. I've been doing this for 1 year and 3 months. There are staff members there that happily pour my coffee beore I reach the head of the line and hand over my exact change. (oh...there will be no messin' arond with change in the morning...no way). They hired a new guy 6 months ago that, despite the fact that he serves me 3 out of 5 mornings...he can not, for some reason, remember what I order.

I am putting his lack of regard for my coffee preference down to the fact that he clearly must be borderline intelligent. Or pehaps it is even simpler than that. Perhaps...just maybe, it's the fact that I lack a penis that he doesn't remember me. He certainly tries to remember the Playboy's coffee order...but Playboy is anything BUT predictable...so no good could come of trying to discern his morning bevvy of choice.

Look at me....typical tourist...I've lost my way and had a map all clearly laid out and everything. Well...no one around to ask for directions...so I guess I'll just hail a cab and go back to my room.

Hope you are enjoying the journey...I am.


Ok...Everybody out of the pool!

The Universe is massive. It's so inconceivably mega big that it might actually blow a person's mind to think about it all at once. I believe that most people just build their own mini-universes and sit comfortably in the knowledge that they are at the centre of it. I bet they sit on lovely comfy couches...plush with loads of pillows for extra comfort, with a lovely pine coffee table on which to place their favourite bevvy of choice....on coasters of course so as not to ruin the fine craftmenship of the table.

Like most people that dabble a bit in neo-paganism I believe that most things happen for a reason. I try to take the lessons I've learned along the way for what they are and not dwell too much in the past or the heavy emotions that might be involved. I admit I wallow at times, but it's important to know when to get out of the pitty pool before you get too wrinkly and all prune like.

This week the Lifeguard duty went to Aramous. He blew the whistle loud and clear last night and I had no choice but to climb on out of the pitty pool. Good thing too...I was laughing so hard last night that I was in danger of peeing in the pool! Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey song helped too. (If you haven't heard this song...you need to. I think I'm going to play it whenever I feel terribly blue...or even slightly indigo)

What I love the most about Aramous is his incredible ability to point out the humour in all my failed relationships. The guy should apply at Yuk Yuks...though I'm not sure I'm comfortable with him using me as material. I think that if my life were to be out there for everyone to make fun of...then I ought to be the one telling it...oh wait...that's what this blog is for. (teehee)

Ok, back to the Universe. Aramous pointed out that even if I have grown weary of dating, that maybe I should still keep my intentions out there...so I have left my profile on Lavalife in the "dating" section open and I'll check it periodically, but have the full intention of spending the next while fairly single and just chilled out in general. There are many Christmas parties and a New Year's Eve Bash (which promises to be shi-shi-fah-fah) to have fun with. So I have sent my intentions out to the Universe and hopefully, in all it's inconceiveably mega bigness it will provide for me what it is I need...regardless of what it is I believe I want.

Another strange phenomenon that is occuring is the "Blast from the Past" boyfriends or guys that seem to be crawling out of the woodwork. Maybe it's the Holiday Season that is upon us that makes men think that with a drunken phone call or short MSN inquirey that they can somehow woo back the women they've lost or given up on or have thrown out.

I have 3 examples for you. I'll start with the most recent "past" 1) Gryffin phoned me the very night that Jon ended things with me. Strange...he had pretty much dropped off the face of the planet for 3 weeks. A sudden change from our every 2nd day phone calls or hanging out. He is suddenly singal as well. Hmmm...what do you suppose he wants? I wonder. (Do they have sarcasm on your planet?) He also phoned me last night just after Aramous had left. I was too happy to enquire into what he was hoping for from me.

2) A quick instant message from Giermo asking me if it is safe to come out of hiding. I wasn't aware I was hiding. Was he hiding? I wasn't aware of that either. What for? Why is being my friend so important to him? What is it that I have that he wants? I am still amazed that he figured that using me to get at Nathan was not as bad as using me to replace Grace. I think the key words here in this whole thing are "using me".

3) Hamish - my first love - emailed me and wants to get together and figure stuff out. I believe it's some sort of "High Fidelity" thing going on with him. He has a wonderful girlfriend who lives in Japan at the moment and Hamish is going over in January to meet her family and likely propose. But he wants to go over what happened between us and figure out the mistakes he made along the way so that he doesn't make the same mistakes with her.

I am still friendly with Hamish...we dated for so long...about 3 1/2 years all said and done. One year solid...than the next 2 were off and on and off and on. The best part about seeing Hamish on ocasion at mutual friend's parties etc...is to see how much we've both grown as people over the last 12 years.

To be clear, we both made several relationship errors or mistakes or what ever you want to call them. So I can't and won't, lay all the blame on him. Besides that...we have both changed so much...really grew up and into ourselves as individuals, that I doubt it would have lasted if we catered to the other's needs anyway. I am thankful for my time with Hamish, it was really really painful at times, but look who I am today! I admit that a big part of my communication skills are a direct result of dating Hamish.

So what are the lessons I am supposed to be taking from these 3 dudes showing up again?

Clearly for Gryffin it is to NOT be the In The Mean Time Girl. But I already went through that...lines in the sand...confidence seeing me through...did I need a reminder? Maybe.

Giermo - I am thinking it might actually be that I need to just let it go. That shit happened, I didn't enjoy it...but I don't have to wallow in it or think about it any more. It's done. Maybe he is supposed to be in my life in some way...I just need a bit more time that is all. My lip curls a bit when I think of him and all I can hear in my head are the words I didn't say to him "Who's the dog now Giermo?" (reference there was that he claims Nathan is a dog and that Giermo himself is the gentleman)

Hamish - maybe I should be taking a look at my own behaviour in relationships. What other patterns do I have that perhaps hinder my quest for love and acceptance? Or maybe I should just rent High Fidelity and drool over John Cusac for a while. teehee.

Here is what I am really looking for - a partner! Not a boyfriend or someone to "complete me" because I happen to think I'm a pretty together chicky woo already. I just want someone with whom I can live out the Right Now poem with. (if you haven't read that...scroll down...it's the piece I worked the hardest on and my personal favourite). It's the "quiet and naked" part I crave...intimacy with silence - acceptance.

Ok...time to hang up the bathing suit and ring out the water from the pitty pool. Next stop -Fantasy Island! (teehee)

Loads of love and laughs,

P.S. Another special shout out to my peep Aramous. *Mega Hugs buddy*

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Black Wednesday

The Market Has Crashed!

I can't remember if it was called Black Monday or Black Wednesday...but remember when the market crashed in the 80's?? Yeah...it happened to my stock tonight.

I think I sort of knew it was going to, I do believe that my spidey senses were actually tingling the entire time. They were resonating pretty strong last night and I was trying to put them out of my head all day today.

Still...what an interesting 3 weeks that was. Too much drinking though. Maybe Jon will call me when he's done his exams or maybe when he's back from the Phillipines and then again...maybe he won't.

I found it odd that I didn't feel all lovey-dovey with him after sex. The sex was fun don't get me wrong...but those of you who know and love me know how absolutely gooey I go after I've slept with a man. With Jon...well...most of my peeps didn't even hear of him. I kept him very much on the down low as it were.

Even Lady K had to call me last night to *gasp* at me. She was shocked that I had slept with Jon and didn't call her. She's right...normally she gets the call first and I give her far too many details.

The one thing that is upsetting (and I"m aware I should probably be more upset...but for some reason I'm not) was that he did it over the PHONE.

Do men not know the rules???

After sex a face to face break up is not only reccomended, but rather MANDATORY.

I promise I will find the rules and post them. They are just hiding in my mum's computer right now (i put them there)

And I have also noticed that in the past 3 weeks my writing on here, though prolific, has SUCKED some serious donkey ass!

It shouldn't be about quantity....but rather about quality.

I'm going to have a shower and...as they say, Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair.

Kwerkie...alone...and that's coolio by me.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Rate Of Exchange

I spoke with Simone today about my weekend with Jon and I was surprised at the squishy nosed expression she gave me when she told me "But you've already slept with him".

Have I given in by giving it up? Have I cashed in before my stock has risen? What is the going rate for when it's OK to exchange syliva and other bodily fluids?

It's true I haven't given my heart out to Jon...(yet?) I am feeling sufficiently wary about doing that. I wonder if he has a drinking problem...we have yet to have an alcohol free date, and most of our dates have been a bit heavy on the drinking. I am also aware that he's pretty stressed out with school and whereas I don't want to be an added pressure for him...I'm not going to let him be shitty towards me cuz he's stressed.

I think I'm pretty low maitence as a girlfriend. Jon laughed when I said this as his experience is that women who think they are low maitenence are usually the opposite. Is it considered high maitenence to want to have a 5 minute chat with him once a day? Is it high maitenence to want to see him once a week? Maybe it is during the tail end of the semester.

Normally when I sleep with a man I feel a decided shift in power...usually not in my favour. With Jon I don't feel like I've given that up at all. In fact, I feel like I hold more personal power now that we have slept together than before. Strange. On Sunday morning when Jon grabbed me and intwined his fingers in mine while we made love...I felt at once very sexually excited and very emotionally calm. For the first time in a very long time...I felt that I was sharing myself with a man instead of giving myself up to him or taking anything from him. I left his scent on me all day...I wanted to keep that feeling as long as possible.

Isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be? Give and Take? This felt more like an even exchange to me.

I'm trying; like most people, to get in on this commodity called "love" and probably like most, I'm a bit of a nervous investor. I like to see significant potential for positive gain before I commit myself fully to a particular stock. I'll keep my eye on this one and let you know the dips and rises and how the market is fairing in general.

Did I mention that Jon is a 4th year Commerce Student at UBC?


Sunday, November 28, 2004

Neko Case and MY Boyfriends

There is something about Neko Case that is truely inexplicable. I'be been thinking about this entry since Friday night....it is now Sunday afternoon and I'm still at a loss as to how to tidy this up into a neat little package with a cute little bow. Maybe that is my problem...Neko isn't the kind of artist that is neat or cute or that would wear a bow and no one I know (or would care to know) would describe her voice as "little".

Neko is the kind of artist that helps women find a voice for their despair, maladese and frustration. She is also the kind of artist that ensares men with her soulfull haunting voice and her incredible red-haired beauty.

When I first asked Jon to see Neko in concert with me, I knew he only agreed because it was an opportunity to see me without a thought of his own audio pleasure. I had played "Blacklisted" for him a few times and especially "I Wish I Was The Moon" which he conceeds he really likes, however Jon figures that Neko is pretty "country" and he's not into that.

We met at the hotel and after checking in, we cracked open a magnum of wine. I felt like something out of Henry Miller story...my red wine in a cheap hotel tumbler, the room decorated like a cross between Cirque De Soliel and an African Safari gone wrong, and the TV bolted to the ceiling. There were 2 double beds in the room...they looked smaller than average. I had already figured that sex wasn't on the menu so it didn't bother me.

We chatted uneasily for a few moments before finding a regular sort of groov. Someone rolled a joint...I think it was me. More wine was consumed, some mumble jumble talk was exchanged...neither of us were at our communicative best and I'd like to point out that we hadn't even smoked yet!

We haven't been dating very long...at most 3 weeks and really have only been on under a dozen dates and yet Jon has already managed to spot my cheif weakness. Despite mucho bravado...I am fairly insecure about my appearance.

It's true I struggle with my weight. I used to be about 80lbs heavier than I am now. I spent the better half of a 2 year relationship being told that I was a wonderful loving woman, but that I was simply too fat to fuck. Every attempt at sex was met with initial enthusiasm by The German, but when it came to actual penetration he lost interest as well as his erection. I tried to talk to him about it outside of the bedroom, and every time it was the same answer. He loved me very very much but was not at all attracted to my in any physcial way and until I weighed 135lbs I had better put all thoughts of sex out of my mind.

*** Side note. I am a very tall woman...I'm 5ft 11. I am not a small person and I think that if I ever weighed 135lbs I would look very sickly. Currently I"m sitting at 189lbs and my goal is about 165lbs. ****

So yes...this and other incidents in my past have affected me but I like to think that I have really come along way in the self esteem department. I wear clothing that is form fitting yet flattering. I used to wear what others would call "refugee chique"-very baggy clothes so that you could hardly tell there was a female body underneath.

Anyway...the fact that Jon could spot that both relieved and upset me. Relief because I really am trying to be as open and honest with him as I can without giving away all my secrets. I mean...does someone really need to know every single detail about you? It was upsetting because I do not want to be thought of as weak. I see this as being a major weakness. It's like admiting that I'm putting my happiness into someone else's hands. I just do not want to fall into that again.

We got very high...I can't even remember what the first act sounded like. We got very drunk...I remember crying when Neko played "I'll Be Around". Jon was great...just held me and didn't' say anything. Maybe he didn't notice...maybe he did, I just needed the silence between us no matter what he may or may not have seen. I felt like I was in a dream...it was probably the pot.

Of course I was expecting to see Nelson there...he was the one that got me switched on to Neko in the first place. I think I might have been looking for him initially but as the pot and the voldka and redbull kicked in I forgot about him. Jon and I were swaying to Neko's music, his arms were around me, I felt beautiful. I turned to give Jon a smile and that is when I saw him.

We made eye contact but neither of us smiled, nodded or in any way acknowledged the other. I was struck by how old he looked -"haggared" would be a better word. He's gained a bit of weight...so have I. He was standing next to a thin, pinched face blond woman -his ex-wife...or had the divorce been called off at the last moment? It's mute at this point really.

Jon tilted my face up to his and kissed me. It was a long, slow, sensuous kiss. I don't think I could have planned that better...I don't think it would have come off as good even if I *had* planned that. The concert continued, Neko was fantastic. I was floating. Jon bought me a T-shirt with cash and hash...it still makes me laugh.

After the concert we filtered out into the street like the rest of the crowd. Then we ate horrible things like McDonalds, Pizza and a very spicey wrap. Back at the hotel room I was guzzling back the water in a last ditch effort to ward off a massive hang over. I think I may have even brushed my teeth. Somehow I did change into my nightgown - I chose it specifically for this night. It is sexy without begging for sex. I honestly didn't think we were going to have sex but I didn't want him to maybe not think about it.

We crawled into bed and kisses and cuddles and whispers were flowing onto and between us. I remember at one point saying "no" and explaining that I didn't want to be his In The Mean Time Girl and all the standard stuff that I spew out. And with a slow hot kiss the last of my resolve melted.

I don't mind saying that it was fabulous sex. For as intoxicated as I was -it felt amazing. Jon seemed to be able to read my body very well and I admit I was trying my best to interpret his own responses and needs. The first time was nearly desperate with need and we both got a bit carried away as it were. The second time seemed slower and easier and I was able to relax enough to have an orgasm. Afterwards there was some cuddling before rolling over to our respective sides of the bed in order to sleep.

In the morning Jon was full of full-bodied cuddles and despite my slight hangover, I felt amazing. We chatted and laughed and cuddled and explored each other's bodies once more.

Jon left me at the hotel to take care of some stuff he had to do and I took the opportunity to watch some TV...oh TV...how I do miss you! I ate breakfast at The Templeton and sat at the Super Woman table which I thought was aprapo as I felt amazing despite my wicked hangover.

Reflecting on the evening before I was struck by numerous things. 1) I felt very easy around Jon, pretty and bold and witty and good in general. 2) Seeing Nelson there and having the unique experience of feeling nothing when I saw him was a definitely plus. 3) Experiencing a Neko Case concert with my current boyfriend (am I allowed to use that word now?) and my ex boyfriend and somehow managing to keep her to myself was interesting to say the least.

I still can't believe I have a Saidies T-Shirt that was paid for with hash'n cash. HA!

Friday during the day before I met up again with Jon I played my Neko Case songs at full blast and tried to
re-live the concert...I fell asleep instead.

"This is crazy.
This is crazy.
I wish I was the moon tonight".


Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Best (how to get) Laid Plans

Ok....it's Wednesday and I've just come home from a very good Yoga class. I feel like jello. My arms and legs are shaking and yet I feel emensely calm.

I am thinking about tomorrow night and my date with Jon. First off we are going to the Neko Case concert and I can not tell you how excited I am to see her live!!!
Secondly, I have rented us a room downtown so that we can sleep comfortably together without him having to worry about dying from his allergies to my cat, or me being pissed off at his rowdy roomates.
Thirdly...though I keep saying I want to take things slowly with Jon...I am secretly hoping to get laid tomorrow.

Now...before you roll your eyes and tell me that I'm falling back into my same old pattern...let me try to justify this as best I can.

I really have no idea what is happening between Jon and I. He's sending out so many mixed signals like some sort of disfunctional radio. One moment he talks about us in the future, like he's wanting to build one with me...asking me things like "if we were married would you cook all the time?". The next he's telling me that me being excited to see him makes him feel all sorts of pressure and he doesn't need that right now. Umm...WTF? Tokyo...tune in Tokyo!

So here's what I'm thinking. Tomorrow, when we meet up at the hotel and crack open the first bottle of wine...I'm going to ask him if he's dating other women. If the answer is Yes, then my freshly shaved bits will have gone to waste. If the answer is No...then I might have a chance of actually making it to 2nd base with Jon.

Ok...it's Thursday. Date Day. I'm having a quick dinner before hopping in the shower and making sure all the bits that need to be shaved are shaved. I have MSN'd with Jon twice today and still clueless. So fuck it. I'm going to play this as caj, as possible.

I am going to see Neko Case in concert HURRAY. I'm going to drink some wine HURRAH. I"m going to spend the night in a hotel YIPPEEE. That is the extent of my expectations tonight. If anything more developes between Jon and I that is just a bonus. I am done trying to translate his man speak into woman talk.

To be clear here...I don't feel the need to be at the top of his priority list. What I need is communciation.

I'll keep you *posted*


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

My own worst enemy

Yesterday I bought 2 Litres of Skim Milk, a large bunch of bananas and some deoderant. Of these 3 items, the only one I truely *needed* was the deoderant. I spent $7.12 at the Ghetto Safeway on Robson @ Denman. Taken in this context there doesn't seem to be anything particularly amiss about the purchase of a few impulse items. HOWEVER...let's examine the entire reason I set foot into the Ghetto Safeway to begin with.

In order for this to makes any sort of sense (and I'm aware it doesn't make *much* sense) we have to go back to January.

I met Nelson in January and we dated for 3 very hot, very passionate weeks. Then he came over to my place and broke up with me because he was afraid of having feelings for me. I must point out that he had quite a physical reaction to what was happening. His face was all red, he was sweating and his bowels were working overtime!

I was upset but I let him go. He wasn't even divorced yet...it was likely better that way.

We met again in late Feb. To be clear...he was walking up the street on the opposite side of me on my way down the street and before I thought clearly,...I was calling his name and running across the street to say hello. (hey...I'm not proud here...I'm just sharing).

Anyway....we ended up dating again. From 01 March to 30 June. It was 4 very fun months for me. LOADS of FANFUCKINGTASTIC sex. But...no emotional connection from him to me. Sad really. I was devistated when he once again ended things with me. I took it very hard and I tried to put as many penises between Nelson and I as quickly as possible. For the record- I only managed one in 4 months....and it was the horrific sex I mentioned in my earlier "Let's Talk About Sex Baby" post...so hardly worth the effort really.

Soooo....I moved from the Craque House to my Spanish Abode (which I love) and it happens to be a scant 4 blocks away from Nelson. This wasn't planned...but just sort of happened. Since we've been living in the same neighbourhood I have since him on the street only a handful of times. It was a bit awkward but I have come to forgive him for the hurt and I honestly do wish him well. He is embarassed at the way he handled things with me (and he probably should be...he broke up with me over the phone after being together for 4 months...not good ettiquette).

One of the last times I saw Nelson I was actually on a blind date that was going no where. When Nelson saw me, he quickly ducked into the 7/11 hoping that I hadn't noticed him. Ah well...I did. I couldn't stand the fact that he felt the need to bolt from me so drastically. So I went into the store and said a quick "psst"

He immediately turned around. Hmmm...caught. He must have known it was me. I doubt I would turn if someont "psst" in my general direction. Anyhooo...he put what I like to call his "fake voice" on and said "Oh Hi! It's nice to see you."
I was feeling particularly fiesty so I said "Oh? Is it nice to see me?"
He laughed, winked and answered a truthful "Yes it is."
I told him I was on my way somewhere (which was true) and then left him. It was only when I had ocasion to go into the 7/11 2 weeks later that I realized he was standing in front of all sorts of women's magazines....Marie Claire, Chatelaine etc...not a Men's Health or Porn Mag to be found teehee.

So I finally feel like I am over Nelson. That I can move on and date other guys etc (entre Jon) and then....then I get a little drunk with Simone (my friend and colleague) this past week, and I walk home....and I see Nelson walk into the Ghetto Safeway.

I had spent most of the night talking to Simone about the various dates I went on with Jon and how despite 4 dates I have zero clue as to what is going between Jon and I (less so now...more soon). So I was feeling a bit weak in the ol' esteem department and probably just weak in general. On my walk home my mind was cluttered with useless thoughts...and then I look up and see Nelson walk into the Ghetto Safeway.

I quicken my pace and after about a minute I too went into the Ghetto Safeway. I walk around the aisles....I look for things to buy but I don't pick up a basket. I see the the back of Nelson...I walk towards him.... Surprise Surprise...it's not him. Just some random 40 yr old with a massive receeding hairline and well tayloured pants. I live in the West End...this should not have surprised me.

I bought my items and returned home and admited to myself that perhaps...just maybe...I am not over Nelson as much as I'd like to think I am. Why would I even try to maintain ANY sort of relationship with him...clearly he didn't want anything more to do with me. It's best to just let it all go.

So now Jon.

He is over 2 hours late for our dinner date. He did call....and for some unknown reason wants to come over and still keep our date. I was famished...I made the dinner and ate it by myself from my new dishes. Last time he was here he was upset at the lack of parking near my place. I can already forsee a phone call telling me that he's given up and gone home.


Ok. So he came over with 2 bottles of wine as an apology. We had hugs and kisses and a good time. He was impressed with my culinary skills and I was impressed with his grovelling. We drank both bottles of wine (yikes) and laughed a lot. Loads of kisses and honest talk. It was nice.

We are off to see Neko Case at The Commodore this Thurs and then I have booked us a room at the Comfort Suites....I'm toying with the idea of sleeping with him...but I'll see how the night goes. We have time...no need to rush that...just that he's super cute and a fabulous kisser!

More another time!


Monday, November 15, 2004

The Maestro of Desire- a love song.

The Maestro Of Desire

My hand
entwined firmly in yours -
our breathing,
out of
creates music in the room.

The gentle sighing
and murmured moaning
adding colour to the symphony
that is our flesh.

The tympani of
our bodies joining -
floats -
in the air,
as our neighbours bob
their heads to our sounds,
clear in the understanding
that the maestro of desire
is once more conducting.

A flute raises,
a french horn opens
and the trombone
pushes -
then pulls.
Tongues moisten reeds
and gentle breath
coaxes forth a tenor resonance.

the performers-
defer to each other,
sharing the stage
that is our bed.

A cacophony of need
the room…
the maestro plays
with the tempo,
allegro, andante, allegro -
the kettle drums rumble deeply…

of cymbals are entangled
with operatic ecstasy
and then-
the performance hall
is once more filled
with soft murmurs
of appreciation
and admiration.
A love song

Friday, November 12, 2004


If you haven't read "Wasn't That A Party" and the follow up "Lines In The Sand" then some of what is to follow is not going to make much sense to you.

Ok...so a few things have happened in a very short period of time.

1) I have met someone who has piqued my interest and with whom I have been on 4 dates.

2) Dan Brown continues our corespondence much to my absolute delight and surprise.

3) My brief friendship with Giermo has come to a crashing end all because of "truth".

To begin with, let me regaile you about my dates with Jon.

I met Jon off of Lavalife (sigh) and we pretty much had a month of communication via phone and MSN before both our hectic schedules allowed us to meet.

Our first date was uber casual...coffee and a brief walk along the Seawall. We didn't even do half of it as he was running late and had to meet his Mum for dinner. He brought his gorgeous dog Sasha along for our date. So initially we sat for about 10 mins and chatted. He is SUPER CUTE!!!! (ahem) and we got along well. I knew we would get on, but I was happily surprised to be very attracted to him as well.

Our 2nd date we met at Nevermind...an extremely coolio pub close to UBC. It was pretty much an all nighter. We laughed a lot and drank a lot (must cut back on alcohol intake) and we pretty much put the cards out on the table. Neither of us are looking for "friends" but rather are interested in seeing if a relationship could develope between us. Both of us have found our past behaviour of sleeping with someone fairly soon to basically be the kiss of death to a possibility of a relationship so...with that in mind, we are wanting to take things slow and steady and not rush into anything.

That was a HUGE relief to hear from him first! I wanted to ask...Bernard Jones...is that you?? But I refrained. Mostly becuase I thought he'd think me a complete nutter and make a run for it. We ended up back at his place and shared his massive bed...but not our bodies. It was nice to cuddle up to him and we had a few smooches here and there but no major make out session or anything like that. What a lovely change!

Our 3rd date was a very looonnnnggggg walk around Kits/Jerico Beach and nearly all the way to UBC. We chatted and laughed, held hands and had some smooching. Afterwards he treated us to lunch and then drove me home. It was lovely...what a great day...what a wonderful date!

Our 4rth date I treated him to Sushi and later, we grabbed a bottle of wine and went back to the place he's rennovating. We chatted some more...but ne pas de smooching. I am in limbo as to where we go from here. Part of me fears he's gone off me. Part of me thinks I'm being paranoid. Time will tell. I am willing to take things very slowly and just see where it goes.

Ok....so that's the scoop on Jon. There are lines in the sands of desire that I'd like to cross...but all's calm on that front so far.

Next....Dan Brown.

It's interesting to me that Dan Brown is the only person in my blog who's name I have not "disguised" in any way. I think that is perhaps due to the fact that having never met him in person, it doesn't feel like an abuse to use his real name. Aside from that, I doubt I would ever have ocasion to write anything for which he might feel embarassed or otherwise negatively about.

I had supposed that my breif correspondence with Dan would go by the way side as it were. He is a very busy journalist and I myself have a few things on my plate. I had sent him a rather thoughtful (and I had hoped thought provoking) email about how the CBC should broadcast the older, yet exciting, hockey games and I even had a job for poor ol' Don Cherry lined up in there as well. Alas I had not heard back. Still...busy lives on both ends to be considered and I must say that I'm happy the winds of fate have blown the dust off of our exchange a bit.

On the Giermo front there was a virtual maelstorm of events that unfolded. I was initially going to post our MSN conversation (as I keep all my MSN's for pondering and amusement) but I have decided against that. (for now).

Basically...it turns out that Giermo never once thought I was playing second fiddle to Grace. What joy. How fantastic. No...instead...he had a much BETTER reason for all of his actions at his party. ("Look at me...I'm making people happy! Oh...and in case you haven't noticed yet Marg....that was SARCASM" - Thank you Homer Simpson)

Y'see...it wasn't that he was particularly WANTING to cross the lines in the sands of our friendship the night of his birthday part....but that due to an irrational jealousy/competition that he has with Nathan....he most certainly didn't want any of my grains mixing with Natle's or Danielle's. To put it in his own words "There was no fucking way that was going to happen on my watch" Oh yes Giermo...so much better.

The hurt I felt after given that explanation, was too much for me to contain. I just had mud kicked in my eyes. I don't mind admiting that I actually cried. I felt angry, hurt, embarassed, used and so many other things...it was difficult for me to express all of them to him then as they are to you now. I composed myself as best as possible under the desert weight of emotions I was feeling and told Giermo the truth...that I no longer trusted him. He seemed perplexed that our friendship would end over this and he felt that as he had come clean with the truth that somehow that would absolve him. The truth was 3 weeks too late and the fact that he had no idea that this would hurt me just baffels me to no end.

A final note about Giermo. I did get a very heartfelt apology email from him begging forgiveness. He had words of praise in there for me about how wonderful I am and how he hopes we can still be friends etc etc. I have not trusted myself to reply to him as right now I feel I only have acerbic and profanity heavy sentiments to impart to him.

So there you have it...a brief run down on the events of one short week.

With any luck I will have more to say on the Jon and Dan Brown front another time.


Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Let's talk about Sex baby!

Sex. It's something that we all talk about - a lot. What I am wondering is...if we're all TALKING about it...is anyone actually LISTENING? Or are we drowning eachother out with our own opinions of good vs bad, tabboo vs turn on, and are we speaking from the heart or talking out our ass???

I have a few motto's when it comes to sex and I'd like to share them with you.

#1 - If you are not having sex with me...I don't care who you are having sex with as long as it harms no one.

Where did the "Sex Police" come from? Why is it anyone's business who is sleeping with whom or what consenting adults ( key words here people...Consenting Adults) choose to do with eachother sexually. This is anything from one on one hetrosexual encounters, to mass gay orgies. Why should you care if it doesn't' involve you?

Honestly...if it has nothing to do with me...I couldn't give a rat ass who you are doing, boning, fucking, screwing, bonking, having sex, making the 2 backed beast or fornicating with.

#2 - Ultimately, you are responsible for your own pleasure -ask for what you'd like, don't be afraid to experiment and above all....have sex with someone you trust.

I just had my 30th birthday a few weeks ago and it wasn't until half way through my 29th year that I was able to have an orgasm WITH a partner. I know it sounds frightening, pathetic and sad...that's because it is! I was always afraid to ask for the things I really wanted...even the most basic things like "kiss my ears" or "slow down" I was always about pleasing my partner and I think that a big part of me felt a lot of gratitude that I was even having sex at all so that somehow I ignored my own pleasure. Don't get me wrong...sex was still fun and felt great...but it really is a different story when you get to have an orgasm too.

How I learned to be responsible for my own pleasure came about when I dated a man this past spring. I had been a few months out of a very distructive relationship and I had forgotten what it was like to feel beautiful or special with a man. Nelson changed all that for me. With him, the compliments just flowed out of his mouth and into my ears.

I always felt very confident and sexy around Nelson -even in the most mundane situations, and that made an amazing difference in our sex life. I would ask for things, demand things, and was the most uninhibited I have ever been. What an amazing feeling to be in total control of your own sexuality and pleasure. The best part is that when you trust your partner and can communicate your desires well, there is no limit to the exploration and the pleasure you can experience.

#3 - Good Sex will never SAVE a relationship, but Bad Sex will KILL it.

This is so very true. How many of us have suffered through bad sex because we thought that the personality of our partner we were having the bad sex with was fantastic? C'mon...raise your hands...we've ALL done it at one point. Now...are you WITH someone now with whom the sex is bad? Im' talking BAD, AWFUL, TERRIBLE. I'm talking that you'd masterbate rather than have sex with your current partner?

It's true that I can't even imagine a relationship progressing past the 3rd attempt at sex if it didn't improve.

Let me give you an example.

A few months ago I went out on a few dates with a fellow with whom I am in Mutal Ostrich Mode with. Our first date was really easy going and fun. No kissing as per my rule. All was good. Our second date involved some alcohol...but this there there was some kissing and that was excellent. Our 3rd date we AGAIN got hosed on too many beers and had a serious make out session that somehow was all about kissing and we never made it to 2nd base. Our 4rth date...once more with alcohol and we made it to 2nd base...Hurray! (A side note...I never thought I would say "Hurrah for 2nd base" in my 30's.).

Anyway...2nd base quickly morphed into "All The Way". It starts as most sessions do. Loads of kissing...passionate deep kisses with hands groping everywhere. Pretty soon shirts are being pulled off...pants are coming undone and we're dragging eachother into my bedroom.

At first it's a lot of oral sex and that's pretty good. He did bite me three times and sucked on my clit like a hoover...but overall it wasnt too bad. I already knew I wasn't going to have an orgasm (too much to drink) but I was happy to play around. We're messin' around for maybe 7 mins...and then suddenly he's done. Just like that. Done. Ok...no big deal. He spends the night and in the morning we go for round 2 (ding ding).

Well this my friends...this was not even worth me opening my eyes for!

First off...he was very pokey. Basically...we kissed for less than a minute when he started reaching down and poking me with his fingers. This was not pleasant. There was no preliminary testing of the waters so to speak There was no long sensuous kissing for me to get all tingly about. The next thing you know he's reaching for a condom (I insist on the use of condoms) and then he unceromoniously shoved himself into me. I tell him slow down...but it's no use. In out, in out, in out, moan, moan, a loud "Fuuuucccckkkkk" escapes his lips. DONE.

WHAT? Are you kidding me?? The entire session lasted...oh...I dunno...at MOST about 3 minutes.

And then that was it. He got off...fell asleep for another 30 mins, then got up, had a shower and left.


I saw him to the door and we had some non-commital talk about meeting up again soon etc etc and then with the closing of the door...so ended my ever-so-brief "relationship" with the second worst lover I ever had.

The following weekend I bought a vibrator. Thank GOD!

A side note on personal grooming. I think like most women, I like the way a bit of pubic hair looks like on me. I'm not one for the landing strip, but prefer a bit of a "poof" look with my labia cleanly shaved. When the skin there is so smooth you can't stop touching it yourself...and tongues slipping across feel devine. However, I also like my men to have some grooming habits of their own. Let's face it, no one wants to floss their teeth with pubic hair, so it's nice if they can take some time to trim back the wild growth.

My lover in the above story took this to the EXTREME. He was a pretty hairy guy. This of course means that he had a receeding hairline...I don't know the correlation there but it my experience guys with loads of chest hair (YUM) always seem to be balding. Anyway....he also liked personal grooming...but was entirely HAIRLESS in his nether regions.

This made me feel like I was playing with a snake instead of a penis. Odd. Very strange. The skin was so soft....I felt like I was with a pre-pubecent boy...if it weren't for the wall to wall carpet on his chest

So that was the case of Bad sex killing the "relationship".

The flip side of this was actually Nelson. The sex with him was PHENOMENAL. Absolutely amazing. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that he was the first partner I had an actual orgasm with...but aside from the Big O the entire sexual arena with Nelson was amazing!
However...he couldn't share his feelings. Couldn't communicate well with me OUTSIDE the bedroom and I never once in 4 months got to meet any of his friends. I felt more like his dirty little secret whore than his girlfriend.

So despite the wonderful, mind blowing sex...that relationship was doomed.

Has Sex Talk been done to death? With all the Sex & The City and Bridget Jones' of the world out there has the horse finally died? Not a chance.

Though I am curious...where are all the men out there who opine about sex? Are they all editing porn mags, Details, Maxim or Men's Health? Surely there must be a Bernard Jones out there somewhere! A really laid back, kinda goofy guy with a wicked sense of humour and a romantic streak the size of a 6 lane highway.

Bernard Jones....where are you??? Please send dating resume and sexual proficiency scores to:
Kwerkie Kuuper
c/o TheSingleFiles@blogspot.com