Friday, December 02, 2011

37 did I end up here?

So, my birthday has come and gone and so has Will.

I haven't been able to let myself fully understand and let go of all that happened between Will and I but I am happier without him. I broke up with him just after my birthday and we were together for just over a year. I suppose if I were totally honest with myself (and you too my little chickens) I will have to say that I pretty much knew that the relationship was over 2 days before we moved in together.

I need a partner. I need someone who isn't afraid of themselves. I need someone who won't try to manipulate their way out of their mistakes. I need someone who actually has self confidence and who actually has opinions and beliefs of their own.

Will did not fit any of the above description but he sure did a good impersonation of those qualities for exactly 5 months. After the 5 month mark he really just got tired of being someone he was not and then his constant neediness, insecurity, sloven nature just came straight out. It was hard to be the adult in the relationship all the time. It was just too much pressure on me while going to school and trying to learn all there is to learn for my RMT course with him being sooooo incapable of being a functioning adult.

I know I have often dreamed of being a mother...but it's not the role I want to play in my romantic relationship. I mean...Will could barely brush his teeth each and every day and I found myself nagging at him like a mother would to a child.

So here I am at 37, single, a full time student and poor with debt just piling up. How the FUCK did I end up here?? I know that school is what I need to be focused on. I know that the debt shouldn't be what stops me from continuing on with my studies, after all, once I'm finished school and a working RMT it won't take me too long to pay it all off.

Maybe I just need to allow myself to let go of all the "what if's" and the disappointments of the last few years. I don't want to be a woman that relies on a man for approval but I am feeling lonely, I mean, soul wrenching at my core lonely. I have AMAZING friends but I do crave having a supportive loving partner.

The older I get the more I wonder if my ideas of a partner are that far fetched or if I simply waste my time with the Eeyore's (Will), the Cowards (Jordan) or a laundry list of other men that I dated just because I am lonely and not because they were good matches for me.

The GOOD NEWS is that being at school and doing what I'm doing has always felt right. This path I'm on is exactly where I need to be for my career and I am truly grateful for that. It's difficult, but it's not out of reach and I am able to pull up my socks and buckle down when needed. I feel like pretty soon I need to BUST OUT and do something wild...but what?

I've considered moving to someplace totally different after I get my license. Packing up and taking Tiernan with me to someplace. Ireland, England, Costa Rica or maybe even living in the South of France or Italy. Who knows. Maybe my thoughts of leaving is just me trying to run away from myself - again.

I feel rusty at this and clumsy. Words aren't flowing freely as once they did but that might be because I'm joking on how I am once more complaining when in the grand scheme of things I have it relatively easy.

I do instinctively feel that if I just focus on ME right now that it's truly the best course of action. Will I find love and a partner I want to spend my life with? Who knows. But without my health, family, friends and a satisfying career it won't matter.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Hind Sight is 20/20

So you may or may not have noticed that I posted a somewhat bitchy/pathetic/self indulgent (though really what is The Single Files if not a total drive down Narcisitic Avenue with a few stops along Pity Party Lane and Personal Epiphany Crescent??) about Will.

I am struggling right now with what I want on a few levels. I am sorry to have teased and then recanted but I need a bit of time to sort out my feelings and talk to Will and figure it all out.

So la. There you go.

I would like to write more but I really need to go off and study. These muscles and joints won't learn themselves!!

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

A look can say 1000 words

I was on the bus a few weeks ago minus my iPod. Normally being without my music would not bother me, but that day I was sitting at the back of the bus and had the misfortune to be within earshot of girl who appeared to be in her early 20's yammering incessantly on her mobile phone. I was shocked at the language coming out of this girl's mouth! She was on her mobile chatting quite loudly to whomever was on the other end of the phone. At first the conversation was banal - what did you do last night, how drunk was I at the party etc etc. After about two minutes however the conversation turned into "do you know girl X and isn't' she a (insert multiple unflattering expletives here). The absolute drivel and verbal abuse spilling out from her mouth was dumbfounding.

I looked at this woman trying to determine if the conversation she was having was simply for show - a young girl who might be needing to show off her bravado by slandering anyone of the same gender she knows and making sure everyone around her could hear what a bad-ass she was. I looked away from her and across the aisle of the bus to the fellow seated opposite me. For the next 5 minutes or so this man and I had an entire conversation about the young girl without ever saying a word.

I catch his eye and give a apprehensive smile while raising my eyebrows. He counters by giving a sideways glance towards the mobile motor-mouth and finishes his non verbal statement with a roll of his eyes. I nod my head in agreement - certain he was telling me he found this girl equally as annoying as I did. The girl lets out a flurry of f-bombs and the guy across from me widens his eyes in surprise and and gives me a perplexed look. I shake my head from side to side indicating that I too can't believe what I am being forced to hear. During my non-verbal exchange with the man across from me I was amazed at how a contraction of just a few muscles can really convey complex thoughts.

I looked around at the people seated directly beside this offensive girl and noted without surprise that the 6 people closest to her were making several faces displaying everything from disgust to annoyance to exasperation. I share a nod of my head and wry smile with 3 of them. In all of these exchanges of looks I purposely avoided making direct eye contact with the object of my offense. I was convinced that from the ease at which she chose profanity over any other descriptive words that I would be directly subjected to an onslaught of malediction; and though I do like to consider myself a bit of a wordsmith, I knew that any clever retort I had for her would just be lost in translation from my proper English to her Jersey Shore.

I'm sure it was a short time later but it seemed like an hour, the girl got off the bus. An eruption of applause breaks out from the people who were seated closest to her. No one says a word but the smiles and clapping say it all. Thank GOODNESS that girl has left and we might now find some peace in which to unwind from our busy day.

I try to be conscious of my facial expressions so as not to give away too many of my inner thoughts by having them reflected in my face. Bored in class? Try to keep a neutral face so my instructor doesn't take personal offense. Have a great poker hand? Best not to smile to give that away. Feeling amorous? A twinkle in my eye and a raise of my eyebrow and my lover responds well to my non-verbal advances.

I like to think that I'm a fairly expressive person both verbally and non-verbally. In fact, I believe that I am more prone to non-verbal communication than verbal. A picture may be worth a thousand words but one look can say it all.