Monday, November 29, 2004
Have I given in by giving it up? Have I cashed in before my stock has risen? What is the going rate for when it's OK to exchange syliva and other bodily fluids?
It's true I haven't given my heart out to Jon...(yet?) I am feeling sufficiently wary about doing that. I wonder if he has a drinking problem...we have yet to have an alcohol free date, and most of our dates have been a bit heavy on the drinking. I am also aware that he's pretty stressed out with school and whereas I don't want to be an added pressure for him...I'm not going to let him be shitty towards me cuz he's stressed.
I think I'm pretty low maitence as a girlfriend. Jon laughed when I said this as his experience is that women who think they are low maitenence are usually the opposite. Is it considered high maitenence to want to have a 5 minute chat with him once a day? Is it high maitenence to want to see him once a week? Maybe it is during the tail end of the semester.
Normally when I sleep with a man I feel a decided shift in power...usually not in my favour. With Jon I don't feel like I've given that up at all. In fact, I feel like I hold more personal power now that we have slept together than before. Strange. On Sunday morning when Jon grabbed me and intwined his fingers in mine while we made love...I felt at once very sexually excited and very emotionally calm. For the first time in a very long time...I felt that I was sharing myself with a man instead of giving myself up to him or taking anything from him. I left his scent on me all day...I wanted to keep that feeling as long as possible.
Isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be? Give and Take? This felt more like an even exchange to me.
I'm trying; like most people, to get in on this commodity called "love" and probably like most, I'm a bit of a nervous investor. I like to see significant potential for positive gain before I commit myself fully to a particular stock. I'll keep my eye on this one and let you know the dips and rises and how the market is fairing in general.
Did I mention that Jon is a 4th year Commerce Student at UBC?
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Neko is the kind of artist that helps women find a voice for their despair, maladese and frustration. She is also the kind of artist that ensares men with her soulfull haunting voice and her incredible red-haired beauty.
When I first asked Jon to see Neko in concert with me, I knew he only agreed because it was an opportunity to see me without a thought of his own audio pleasure. I had played "Blacklisted" for him a few times and especially "I Wish I Was The Moon" which he conceeds he really likes, however Jon figures that Neko is pretty "country" and he's not into that.
We met at the hotel and after checking in, we cracked open a magnum of wine. I felt like something out of Henry Miller story...my red wine in a cheap hotel tumbler, the room decorated like a cross between Cirque De Soliel and an African Safari gone wrong, and the TV bolted to the ceiling. There were 2 double beds in the room...they looked smaller than average. I had already figured that sex wasn't on the menu so it didn't bother me.
We chatted uneasily for a few moments before finding a regular sort of groov. Someone rolled a joint...I think it was me. More wine was consumed, some mumble jumble talk was exchanged...neither of us were at our communicative best and I'd like to point out that we hadn't even smoked yet!
We haven't been dating very long...at most 3 weeks and really have only been on under a dozen dates and yet Jon has already managed to spot my cheif weakness. Despite mucho bravado...I am fairly insecure about my appearance.
It's true I struggle with my weight. I used to be about 80lbs heavier than I am now. I spent the better half of a 2 year relationship being told that I was a wonderful loving woman, but that I was simply too fat to fuck. Every attempt at sex was met with initial enthusiasm by The German, but when it came to actual penetration he lost interest as well as his erection. I tried to talk to him about it outside of the bedroom, and every time it was the same answer. He loved me very very much but was not at all attracted to my in any physcial way and until I weighed 135lbs I had better put all thoughts of sex out of my mind.
*** Side note. I am a very tall woman...I'm 5ft 11. I am not a small person and I think that if I ever weighed 135lbs I would look very sickly. Currently I"m sitting at 189lbs and my goal is about 165lbs. ****
So yes...this and other incidents in my past have affected me but I like to think that I have really come along way in the self esteem department. I wear clothing that is form fitting yet flattering. I used to wear what others would call "refugee chique"-very baggy clothes so that you could hardly tell there was a female body underneath.
Anyway...the fact that Jon could spot that both relieved and upset me. Relief because I really am trying to be as open and honest with him as I can without giving away all my secrets. I mean...does someone really need to know every single detail about you? It was upsetting because I do not want to be thought of as weak. I see this as being a major weakness. It's like admiting that I'm putting my happiness into someone else's hands. I just do not want to fall into that again.
We got very high...I can't even remember what the first act sounded like. We got very drunk...I remember crying when Neko played "I'll Be Around". Jon was great...just held me and didn't' say anything. Maybe he didn't notice...maybe he did, I just needed the silence between us no matter what he may or may not have seen. I felt like I was in a dream...it was probably the pot.
Of course I was expecting to see Nelson there...he was the one that got me switched on to Neko in the first place. I think I might have been looking for him initially but as the pot and the voldka and redbull kicked in I forgot about him. Jon and I were swaying to Neko's music, his arms were around me, I felt beautiful. I turned to give Jon a smile and that is when I saw him.
We made eye contact but neither of us smiled, nodded or in any way acknowledged the other. I was struck by how old he looked -"haggared" would be a better word. He's gained a bit of weight...so have I. He was standing next to a thin, pinched face blond woman -his ex-wife...or had the divorce been called off at the last moment? It's mute at this point really.
Jon tilted my face up to his and kissed me. It was a long, slow, sensuous kiss. I don't think I could have planned that better...I don't think it would have come off as good even if I *had* planned that. The concert continued, Neko was fantastic. I was floating. Jon bought me a T-shirt with cash and hash...it still makes me laugh.
After the concert we filtered out into the street like the rest of the crowd. Then we ate horrible things like McDonalds, Pizza and a very spicey wrap. Back at the hotel room I was guzzling back the water in a last ditch effort to ward off a massive hang over. I think I may have even brushed my teeth. Somehow I did change into my nightgown - I chose it specifically for this night. It is sexy without begging for sex. I honestly didn't think we were going to have sex but I didn't want him to maybe not think about it.
We crawled into bed and kisses and cuddles and whispers were flowing onto and between us. I remember at one point saying "no" and explaining that I didn't want to be his In The Mean Time Girl and all the standard stuff that I spew out. And with a slow hot kiss the last of my resolve melted.
I don't mind saying that it was fabulous sex. For as intoxicated as I was -it felt amazing. Jon seemed to be able to read my body very well and I admit I was trying my best to interpret his own responses and needs. The first time was nearly desperate with need and we both got a bit carried away as it were. The second time seemed slower and easier and I was able to relax enough to have an orgasm. Afterwards there was some cuddling before rolling over to our respective sides of the bed in order to sleep.
In the morning Jon was full of full-bodied cuddles and despite my slight hangover, I felt amazing. We chatted and laughed and cuddled and explored each other's bodies once more.
Jon left me at the hotel to take care of some stuff he had to do and I took the opportunity to watch some TV...oh TV...how I do miss you! I ate breakfast at The Templeton and sat at the Super Woman table which I thought was aprapo as I felt amazing despite my wicked hangover.
Reflecting on the evening before I was struck by numerous things. 1) I felt very easy around Jon, pretty and bold and witty and good in general. 2) Seeing Nelson there and having the unique experience of feeling nothing when I saw him was a definitely plus. 3) Experiencing a Neko Case concert with my current boyfriend (am I allowed to use that word now?) and my ex boyfriend and somehow managing to keep her to myself was interesting to say the least.
I still can't believe I have a Saidies T-Shirt that was paid for with hash'n cash. HA!
Friday during the day before I met up again with Jon I played my Neko Case songs at full blast and tried to
re-live the concert...I fell asleep instead.
"This is crazy.
This is crazy.
I wish I was the moon tonight".
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
I am thinking about tomorrow night and my date with Jon. First off we are going to the Neko Case concert and I can not tell you how excited I am to see her live!!!
Secondly, I have rented us a room downtown so that we can sleep comfortably together without him having to worry about dying from his allergies to my cat, or me being pissed off at his rowdy roomates.
Thirdly...though I keep saying I want to take things slowly with Jon...I am secretly hoping to get laid tomorrow.
Now...before you roll your eyes and tell me that I'm falling back into my same old pattern...let me try to justify this as best I can.
I really have no idea what is happening between Jon and I. He's sending out so many mixed signals like some sort of disfunctional radio. One moment he talks about us in the future, like he's wanting to build one with me...asking me things like "if we were married would you cook all the time?". The next he's telling me that me being excited to see him makes him feel all sorts of pressure and he doesn't need that right now. Umm...WTF? Tokyo...tune in Tokyo!
So here's what I'm thinking. Tomorrow, when we meet up at the hotel and crack open the first bottle of wine...I'm going to ask him if he's dating other women. If the answer is Yes, then my freshly shaved bits will have gone to waste. If the answer is No...then I might have a chance of actually making it to 2nd base with Jon.
Ok...it's Thursday. Date Day. I'm having a quick dinner before hopping in the shower and making sure all the bits that need to be shaved are shaved. I have MSN'd with Jon twice today and still clueless. So fuck it. I'm going to play this as caj, as possible.
I am going to see Neko Case in concert HURRAY. I'm going to drink some wine HURRAH. I"m going to spend the night in a hotel YIPPEEE. That is the extent of my expectations tonight. If anything more developes between Jon and I that is just a bonus. I am done trying to translate his man speak into woman talk.
To be clear here...I don't feel the need to be at the top of his priority list. What I need is communciation.
I'll keep you *posted*
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
In order for this to makes any sort of sense (and I'm aware it doesn't make *much* sense) we have to go back to January.
I met Nelson in January and we dated for 3 very hot, very passionate weeks. Then he came over to my place and broke up with me because he was afraid of having feelings for me. I must point out that he had quite a physical reaction to what was happening. His face was all red, he was sweating and his bowels were working overtime!
I was upset but I let him go. He wasn't even divorced yet...it was likely better that way.
We met again in late Feb. To be clear...he was walking up the street on the opposite side of me on my way down the street and before I thought clearly,...I was calling his name and running across the street to say hello. (hey...I'm not proud here...I'm just sharing).
Anyway....we ended up dating again. From 01 March to 30 June. It was 4 very fun months for me. LOADS of FANFUCKINGTASTIC sex. But...no emotional connection from him to me. Sad really. I was devistated when he once again ended things with me. I took it very hard and I tried to put as many penises between Nelson and I as quickly as possible. For the record- I only managed one in 4 months....and it was the horrific sex I mentioned in my earlier "Let's Talk About Sex Baby" post...so hardly worth the effort really.
Soooo....I moved from the Craque House to my Spanish Abode (which I love) and it happens to be a scant 4 blocks away from Nelson. This wasn't planned...but just sort of happened. Since we've been living in the same neighbourhood I have since him on the street only a handful of times. It was a bit awkward but I have come to forgive him for the hurt and I honestly do wish him well. He is embarassed at the way he handled things with me (and he probably should be...he broke up with me over the phone after being together for 4 months...not good ettiquette).
One of the last times I saw Nelson I was actually on a blind date that was going no where. When Nelson saw me, he quickly ducked into the 7/11 hoping that I hadn't noticed him. Ah well...I did. I couldn't stand the fact that he felt the need to bolt from me so drastically. So I went into the store and said a quick "psst"
He immediately turned around. Hmmm...caught. He must have known it was me. I doubt I would turn if someont "psst" in my general direction. Anyhooo...he put what I like to call his "fake voice" on and said "Oh Hi! It's nice to see you."
I was feeling particularly fiesty so I said "Oh? Is it nice to see me?"
He laughed, winked and answered a truthful "Yes it is."
I told him I was on my way somewhere (which was true) and then left him. It was only when I had ocasion to go into the 7/11 2 weeks later that I realized he was standing in front of all sorts of women's magazines....Marie Claire, Chatelaine etc...not a Men's Health or Porn Mag to be found teehee.
So I finally feel like I am over Nelson. That I can move on and date other guys etc (entre Jon) and then....then I get a little drunk with Simone (my friend and colleague) this past week, and I walk home....and I see Nelson walk into the Ghetto Safeway.
I had spent most of the night talking to Simone about the various dates I went on with Jon and how despite 4 dates I have zero clue as to what is going between Jon and I (less so now...more soon). So I was feeling a bit weak in the ol' esteem department and probably just weak in general. On my walk home my mind was cluttered with useless thoughts...and then I look up and see Nelson walk into the Ghetto Safeway.
I quicken my pace and after about a minute I too went into the Ghetto Safeway. I walk around the aisles....I look for things to buy but I don't pick up a basket. I see the the back of Nelson...I walk towards him.... Surprise Surprise...it's not him. Just some random 40 yr old with a massive receeding hairline and well tayloured pants. I live in the West End...this should not have surprised me.
I bought my items and returned home and admited to myself that perhaps...just maybe...I am not over Nelson as much as I'd like to think I am. Why would I even try to maintain ANY sort of relationship with him...clearly he didn't want anything more to do with me. It's best to just let it all go.
So now Jon.
He is over 2 hours late for our dinner date. He did call....and for some unknown reason wants to come over and still keep our date. I was famished...I made the dinner and ate it by myself from my new dishes. Last time he was here he was upset at the lack of parking near my place. I can already forsee a phone call telling me that he's given up and gone home.
Ok. So he came over with 2 bottles of wine as an apology. We had hugs and kisses and a good time. He was impressed with my culinary skills and I was impressed with his grovelling. We drank both bottles of wine (yikes) and laughed a lot. Loads of kisses and honest talk. It was nice.
We are off to see Neko Case at The Commodore this Thurs and then I have booked us a room at the Comfort Suites....I'm toying with the idea of sleeping with him...but I'll see how the night goes. We have time...no need to rush that...just that he's super cute and a fabulous kisser!
More another time!
Monday, November 15, 2004
entwined firmly in yours -
creates music in the room.
The gentle sighing
and murmured moaning
adding colour to the symphony
that is our flesh.
The tympani of
our bodies joining -
in the air,
as our neighbours bob
their heads to our sounds,
clear in the understanding
that the maestro of desire
is once more conducting.
A flute raises,
a french horn opens
and the trombone
Tongues moisten reeds
and gentle breath
coaxes forth a tenor resonance.
defer to each other,
sharing the stage
that is our bed.
A cacophony of need
the maestro plays
with the tempo,
allegro, andante, allegro -
the kettle drums rumble deeply…
of cymbals are entangled
with operatic ecstasy
the performance hall
is once more filled
with soft murmurs
A love song
Friday, November 12, 2004
Ok...so a few things have happened in a very short period of time.
1) I have met someone who has piqued my interest and with whom I have been on 4 dates.
2) Dan Brown continues our corespondence much to my absolute delight and surprise.
3) My brief friendship with Giermo has come to a crashing end all because of "truth".
To begin with, let me regaile you about my dates with Jon.
I met Jon off of Lavalife (sigh) and we pretty much had a month of communication via phone and MSN before both our hectic schedules allowed us to meet.
Our first date was uber casual...coffee and a brief walk along the Seawall. We didn't even do half of it as he was running late and had to meet his Mum for dinner. He brought his gorgeous dog Sasha along for our date. So initially we sat for about 10 mins and chatted. He is SUPER CUTE!!!! (ahem) and we got along well. I knew we would get on, but I was happily surprised to be very attracted to him as well.
Our 2nd date we met at Nevermind...an extremely coolio pub close to UBC. It was pretty much an all nighter. We laughed a lot and drank a lot (must cut back on alcohol intake) and we pretty much put the cards out on the table. Neither of us are looking for "friends" but rather are interested in seeing if a relationship could develope between us. Both of us have found our past behaviour of sleeping with someone fairly soon to basically be the kiss of death to a possibility of a relationship so...with that in mind, we are wanting to take things slow and steady and not rush into anything.
That was a HUGE relief to hear from him first! I wanted to ask...Bernard Jones...is that you?? But I refrained. Mostly becuase I thought he'd think me a complete nutter and make a run for it. We ended up back at his place and shared his massive bed...but not our bodies. It was nice to cuddle up to him and we had a few smooches here and there but no major make out session or anything like that. What a lovely change!
Our 3rd date was a very looonnnnggggg walk around Kits/Jerico Beach and nearly all the way to UBC. We chatted and laughed, held hands and had some smooching. Afterwards he treated us to lunch and then drove me home. It was lovely...what a great day...what a wonderful date!
Our 4rth date I treated him to Sushi and later, we grabbed a bottle of wine and went back to the place he's rennovating. We chatted some more...but ne pas de smooching. I am in limbo as to where we go from here. Part of me fears he's gone off me. Part of me thinks I'm being paranoid. Time will tell. I am willing to take things very slowly and just see where it goes.
Ok....so that's the scoop on Jon. There are lines in the sands of desire that I'd like to cross...but all's calm on that front so far.
It's interesting to me that Dan Brown is the only person in my blog who's name I have not "disguised" in any way. I think that is perhaps due to the fact that having never met him in person, it doesn't feel like an abuse to use his real name. Aside from that, I doubt I would ever have ocasion to write anything for which he might feel embarassed or otherwise negatively about.
I had supposed that my breif correspondence with Dan would go by the way side as it were. He is a very busy journalist and I myself have a few things on my plate. I had sent him a rather thoughtful (and I had hoped thought provoking) email about how the CBC should broadcast the older, yet exciting, hockey games and I even had a job for poor ol' Don Cherry lined up in there as well. Alas I had not heard back. Still...busy lives on both ends to be considered and I must say that I'm happy the winds of fate have blown the dust off of our exchange a bit.
On the Giermo front there was a virtual maelstorm of events that unfolded. I was initially going to post our MSN conversation (as I keep all my MSN's for pondering and amusement) but I have decided against that. (for now).
Basically...it turns out that Giermo never once thought I was playing second fiddle to Grace. What joy. How fantastic. No...instead...he had a much BETTER reason for all of his actions at his party. ("Look at me...I'm making people happy! Oh...and in case you haven't noticed yet Marg....that was SARCASM" - Thank you Homer Simpson)
Y'see...it wasn't that he was particularly WANTING to cross the lines in the sands of our friendship the night of his birthday part....but that due to an irrational jealousy/competition that he has with Nathan....he most certainly didn't want any of my grains mixing with Natle's or Danielle's. To put it in his own words "There was no fucking way that was going to happen on my watch" Oh yes Giermo...so much better.
The hurt I felt after given that explanation, was too much for me to contain. I just had mud kicked in my eyes. I don't mind admiting that I actually cried. I felt angry, hurt, embarassed, used and so many other things...it was difficult for me to express all of them to him then as they are to you now. I composed myself as best as possible under the desert weight of emotions I was feeling and told Giermo the truth...that I no longer trusted him. He seemed perplexed that our friendship would end over this and he felt that as he had come clean with the truth that somehow that would absolve him. The truth was 3 weeks too late and the fact that he had no idea that this would hurt me just baffels me to no end.
A final note about Giermo. I did get a very heartfelt apology email from him begging forgiveness. He had words of praise in there for me about how wonderful I am and how he hopes we can still be friends etc etc. I have not trusted myself to reply to him as right now I feel I only have acerbic and profanity heavy sentiments to impart to him.
So there you have it...a brief run down on the events of one short week.
With any luck I will have more to say on the Jon and Dan Brown front another time.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
I have a few motto's when it comes to sex and I'd like to share them with you.
#1 - If you are not having sex with me...I don't care who you are having sex with as long as it harms no one.
Where did the "Sex Police" come from? Why is it anyone's business who is sleeping with whom or what consenting adults ( key words here people...Consenting Adults) choose to do with eachother sexually. This is anything from one on one hetrosexual encounters, to mass gay orgies. Why should you care if it doesn't' involve you?
Honestly...if it has nothing to do with me...I couldn't give a rat ass who you are doing, boning, fucking, screwing, bonking, having sex, making the 2 backed beast or fornicating with.
#2 - Ultimately, you are responsible for your own pleasure -ask for what you'd like, don't be afraid to experiment and above all....have sex with someone you trust.
I just had my 30th birthday a few weeks ago and it wasn't until half way through my 29th year that I was able to have an orgasm WITH a partner. I know it sounds frightening, pathetic and sad...that's because it is! I was always afraid to ask for the things I really wanted...even the most basic things like "kiss my ears" or "slow down" I was always about pleasing my partner and I think that a big part of me felt a lot of gratitude that I was even having sex at all so that somehow I ignored my own pleasure. Don't get me wrong...sex was still fun and felt great...but it really is a different story when you get to have an orgasm too.
How I learned to be responsible for my own pleasure came about when I dated a man this past spring. I had been a few months out of a very distructive relationship and I had forgotten what it was like to feel beautiful or special with a man. Nelson changed all that for me. With him, the compliments just flowed out of his mouth and into my ears.
I always felt very confident and sexy around Nelson -even in the most mundane situations, and that made an amazing difference in our sex life. I would ask for things, demand things, and was the most uninhibited I have ever been. What an amazing feeling to be in total control of your own sexuality and pleasure. The best part is that when you trust your partner and can communicate your desires well, there is no limit to the exploration and the pleasure you can experience.
#3 - Good Sex will never SAVE a relationship, but Bad Sex will KILL it.
This is so very true. How many of us have suffered through bad sex because we thought that the personality of our partner we were having the bad sex with was fantastic? C'mon...raise your hands...we've ALL done it at one point. Now...are you WITH someone now with whom the sex is bad? Im' talking BAD, AWFUL, TERRIBLE. I'm talking that you'd masterbate rather than have sex with your current partner?
It's true that I can't even imagine a relationship progressing past the 3rd attempt at sex if it didn't improve.
Let me give you an example.
A few months ago I went out on a few dates with a fellow with whom I am in Mutal Ostrich Mode with. Our first date was really easy going and fun. No kissing as per my rule. All was good. Our second date involved some alcohol...but this there there was some kissing and that was excellent. Our 3rd date we AGAIN got hosed on too many beers and had a serious make out session that somehow was all about kissing and we never made it to 2nd base. Our 4rth date...once more with alcohol and we made it to 2nd base...Hurray! (A side note...I never thought I would say "Hurrah for 2nd base" in my 30's.).
Anyway...2nd base quickly morphed into "All The Way". It starts as most sessions do. Loads of kissing...passionate deep kisses with hands groping everywhere. Pretty soon shirts are being pulled off...pants are coming undone and we're dragging eachother into my bedroom.
At first it's a lot of oral sex and that's pretty good. He did bite me three times and sucked on my clit like a hoover...but overall it wasnt too bad. I already knew I wasn't going to have an orgasm (too much to drink) but I was happy to play around. We're messin' around for maybe 7 mins...and then suddenly he's done. Just like that. Done. Ok...no big deal. He spends the night and in the morning we go for round 2 (ding ding).
Well this my friends...this was not even worth me opening my eyes for!
First off...he was very pokey. Basically...we kissed for less than a minute when he started reaching down and poking me with his fingers. This was not pleasant. There was no preliminary testing of the waters so to speak There was no long sensuous kissing for me to get all tingly about. The next thing you know he's reaching for a condom (I insist on the use of condoms) and then he unceromoniously shoved himself into me. I tell him slow down...but it's no use. In out, in out, in out, moan, moan, a loud "Fuuuucccckkkkk" escapes his lips. DONE.
WHAT? Are you kidding me?? The entire session lasted...oh...I dunno...at MOST about 3 minutes.
And then that was it. He got off...fell asleep for another 30 mins, then got up, had a shower and left.
I saw him to the door and we had some non-commital talk about meeting up again soon etc etc and then with the closing of the door...so ended my ever-so-brief "relationship" with the second worst lover I ever had.
The following weekend I bought a vibrator. Thank GOD!
A side note on personal grooming. I think like most women, I like the way a bit of pubic hair looks like on me. I'm not one for the landing strip, but prefer a bit of a "poof" look with my labia cleanly shaved. When the skin there is so smooth you can't stop touching it yourself...and tongues slipping across feel devine. However, I also like my men to have some grooming habits of their own. Let's face it, no one wants to floss their teeth with pubic hair, so it's nice if they can take some time to trim back the wild growth.
My lover in the above story took this to the EXTREME. He was a pretty hairy guy. This of course means that he had a receeding hairline...I don't know the correlation there but it my experience guys with loads of chest hair (YUM) always seem to be balding. Anyway....he also liked personal grooming...but was entirely HAIRLESS in his nether regions.
This made me feel like I was playing with a snake instead of a penis. Odd. Very strange. The skin was so soft....I felt like I was with a pre-pubecent boy...if it weren't for the wall to wall carpet on his chest.
So that was the case of Bad sex killing the "relationship".
The flip side of this was actually Nelson. The sex with him was PHENOMENAL. Absolutely amazing. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that he was the first partner I had an actual orgasm with...but aside from the Big O the entire sexual arena with Nelson was amazing!
However...he couldn't share his feelings. Couldn't communicate well with me OUTSIDE the bedroom and I never once in 4 months got to meet any of his friends. I felt more like his dirty little secret whore than his girlfriend.
So despite the wonderful, mind blowing sex...that relationship was doomed.
Has Sex Talk been done to death? With all the Sex & The City and Bridget Jones' of the world out there has the horse finally died? Not a chance.
Though I am curious...where are all the men out there who opine about sex? Are they all editing porn mags, Details, Maxim or Men's Health? Surely there must be a Bernard Jones out there somewhere! A really laid back, kinda goofy guy with a wicked sense of humour and a romantic streak the size of a 6 lane highway.
Bernard Jones....where are you??? Please send dating resume and sexual proficiency scores to:
Monday, November 01, 2004
So Giermo and I had out "talk" and to be honest...it went better than I had hoped. I was mildly amused at how we managed to avoid the topic for a few hours...but I just couldn't let sleeping dogs lie and I asked if we indeed were going to discuss the events of his Birthday Party. I had intended to make him go first...but he apperently didn't need to discuss anything and so it was all about me.
My favourite line from Giermo was "I don't regret what happened". This nearly made me snort outloud. Of COURSE he doesn't regret it. What is there for him to regret?? He got to kiss me, and I don't mind saying, that I'm a fabulous kisser. We fooled around a bit...and that was all fun for him as he was pretty much completely passive after the intial instigation on his part. We couldn't possibly have gone all the way as he had had far too much to drink to make it physcially possible. So of course he doesn't regret it. I thought it was the funniest thing he had said all evening and Giermo can be quite witty at times.
What I had been struggling with all week was what *I* wanted out of it all. I kept going over the events of the night over and over in my mind and I came to the conclusion, that whereas I enjoy Giermo on certain levels...I find it very difficult to communicate with him on any sort of "normal" level. This was very evident from out Wednesday night conversation over the phone. At the end of the day I think that Giermo and myself are probably very similar people...and no good could come of us getting together for anything more than a friendship.
I mentally drew a line in the sand. These are the lines of our friendship that shall not be crossed (again).
And then....and then there is Gryffin. I have been waiting to blog him due to the fact that I knew Giermo was going to read my blog and I didn't want what I write about Gryffin to have influenced the outcome of our "talk".
Gryffin and I met in early September. We got along like a house on fire and the chemistry between us was unmistakeable. Gryffin has the unique effect on me to actually calm down my busy energy and I enjoy the silence that falls between us as much as the ideas we exchange.
Sadly, Gryffin was dating other women and had one in particular that he wanted to pursue. Ok...no big deal. So life went on for me in the usual manner. Then unexpectedly I got a phone call from Gryffin - who later admited that it was indeed an error as he was trolling through his phone and accidentally phoned me instead of his buddy Kevin. So we chatted pleasantly for a while and then said our good byes and take cares etc.
The following week I saw him at a concert I went to by myself. He sat with me the entire time and we had a great night of music and flirting. I noticed that the girl he was seeing was no where to be found yet she called him no less than 3 times in one hour. (yikes). Gryffin drove me home that night and there were great hugs between us. I had a really lovely night with him and though it was a bit flirty at times, we were both on our best behaviours.
The week after that I get an email from Gryffin saying that he's bummed as the woman he was seeing has ended things and did I want to get together for coffee and a walk around Stanley Park?
Ok...so you can already see where I am thinking "Wow...2nd choice. Yipppeeee". (insert Acme size anvil sarcasm here)
The problem here is that I am too nice. I forgive and forget far too easily. I hand out second chances like a priest at a soup kitchen. What I *should* do is forgive...but not really forget.
Anyway......I saw Gryffin the Sunday after Giermo's party. We hung out, laughed a lot, had a lot of quiet moments and Gryffin and I cuddled up on my couch together. He smelt like bergamot and pet my hair. Gryffin ended up staying until quite late and our evening ended with a very long hug at my door.
That week I saw Gryffin the same night that I spoke to Giermo on the phone...that night I knew it wasn't going to work out between Giermo and myself as everthing we (Giermo and I) said to each other annoyed the crap out of me.
Gryffin came by and listened to my rant about Giermo, work and my Mum. I was initially embarassed to tell him about the goings on at Giermo's party...but Gryffin is a pretty liberal guy and took it all in stride. After my exhaustive rant Gryffin quietly schooched over on the couch and gave me one of his long silent hugs. I pretty much just had a melt down. He smelt like patcholi, pet my hair and gave me soft kisses on the top of my head and forehead.
When I came back from my short trip (only 3 days) I called Gryffin and I felt a bit funny about it all. I knew he wanted to see me that night but I wasn't really up for it and besides...I had Giermo to deal with. I began to think that it would just be all about sex between Gryffin and I and not an actual relationship and I wasn't sure if I just wanted to have a bed buddy or just what I wanted.
We agreed to meet up the next night. It was lovely. He came over with a gift of my favourite hot bevvy from the MegaBucks down the street. I can't believe he remembered what I liked! (Extra hot, Soy, Tazo Chai Latte if you are interested) We chatted for a while and we cuddled on the couch and it was very lovely. I felt lovely. We even made plans to head to the sauna's on Tuesday (2 days from now) to celebrate his birthday.
Now don't get me wrong. I"m still not sure what this is between Gryffin and I. I am still surprised that I can feel so calm around him...normally I'm fliting from room to room or topic to topic and I've often wondered what the line is between having a short attention span, being ADD, or just general restlessness.
Back from the Sauna's with Gryffin. So it's official. He would like me to be his "In The Mean Time Girl". Fuck it.
We went to the Buddhist Chinese Kitchen in China Town and my fortune cookie was quite fortuitious! It read "Set your mind to it. Confidence is going to see you through". Before, during and after dinner there was much flirting between Gryffin and I. Lots of hand holding, squeezing, caressing. We get to the sauna and we both go nude (I'm a serious nudist).
It was wonderful to sit there in silence with the sauna so hot I felt I was melting and the eucalyptus in the air....absolutely wonderful.
Gryffin reaches over and starts to rub my back, my legs and leans in for some action. I stop him. I don't want to be his whore and I know that he's not quite in for a relationship. So the answer is No Thank You. All or nothing buddy. You are not a friend with benefits no matter how much I am attracted to you or how well hung you are.
We chatted about it...he said he didn't know where his heart was but that he's very attracted to me and wants to kiss me and caress me and blah blah blah. Big fucking deal. I don't need this crap. I am NOT second prize here and I am NOT a whore. Forget it.
The remainder of the sauna was fine for me...though I suspect that Gryffin felt a bit awkward. Afterwards he drove me to his place and I had a look at all the renovations that are taking place at his house. He certainly has a lot of work ahead of him. Then he drove me home and we had our usual long silent hug followed by a kiss on my forehead.
I feel great. These are the lines drawn in the sand of our friendship....they shall not be crossed.
I have set my mind to it. Confidence will see me through.