Friday, October 30, 2009

Trust - give or take some fear

So last night's ReLife discussion was all about Trust. The premise being that you don't need to earn people's trust but instead you need to choose to give it. And I got to thinking about who I trust and why and who I don't trust and why.

I am trying to figure out where it was along the way that I lost trust in my family but more myself.

I am so afraid of making the WRONG decision that I just choose to NOT make decisions and rather than assertively going after what I want in life I just let life happen TO me.

Well...that has gotten me to where I am now, but it's not helping me to grow. I have decided to just let go and have more. I am going to let go of fear and I am going to embrace trust. Now I'm not talking about getting hosed on some ponzi scheme but rather I am deciding to use some healthy boundaries but to give a bit more trust out to the world.

For example! I was out on a date 2 weeks ago and things went well. I explained I was going to be away for a week for work and so we texted back and forth during that week and all was fine. Upon my return I text him and he didn't respond until today. So basically it took him 5 days to get back to me.

My first thought was to write him off.

However...after last night's meeting I have really thought about it...and I'm going to try to give out a bit of trust. The worst case is that nothing comes of this with Powell (yeah...I did it...I named him a weird sounding name!).

Sooo. We are happily texting back and forth today and have made plans for Sunday. I'm not worried about whether or not they happen...I'm just going to trust that something lovely will happen in some sort of form. Even if it's just that I spend a few hours with him and laugh at least twice. End of expectation.

That is mostly where a lot of my disappointments come from...I have these expectations and they are rarely ever met. I am just trying to figure out how to relieve myself of these expectations and stay in the moment and life in Real Life!

Friday, October 23, 2009


So here I am back in Vancouver for the week surrounded by my Usual Suspects who love me and know me and just accept me for who I am...and I am feeling totally disconnected.

I am feeling in such a flux at the moment and I'm hoping it's just because I am recovering from a horrible case of the flu. In fact, if I were to believe those around me I had the H1N1 virus. I'm not 100% convinced but that's mostly because I don't want to think that I had anything piggy about me.

I am constantly thinking in the back of my head on what I am NOT doing. I'm NOT getting out to move for 30 minutes a day. I am NOT putting my change into a savings jar and these things are bothering me. And then I! that is totally GAP based thinking and that has got to stop.

Sooo. I opened up a tin of chocolates on my trade show desk today and when they were all eaten by my various visitors I took the tin and emptied out all my change into it. I will be using this for the rest of my trip to put my change in.

I am feeling a bit better about THAT.

Now. Tonight I am going to hang out with one of my bff's and we're going to crack a bottle of wine, chat and hopefully I will start to feel a bit more human.

This is alllll over the place here so just be warned.

I am missing my Re:Life Community. I hate that I haven't been out in 2 weeks though it was nice to connect with a few of them in the week before I left. I feel like I need to slow down my life a bit and I am annoyed that my current employment is preventing me from dedicating more time to the Re:Life Village. Mostly I am resentful that I am missing out on the meetings.

I have been feeling like I am reaching the end of my tolerance for how unethical my boss is, how poorly he treats his staff and especially how poorly he runs the business. I have been feeling like I am reaching the end of my complacency. I am no longer able to just do this or that at his will without questioning him...and I know that is not my role...but I just can't help myself.

I am also feeling like I am reaching out more to my friends and family and trying to repair, renew and reevaluate my relationships.

I am reaching deep within myself as well to get the strength to face the trials that are about to be faced. I am not going into this lightly. I know that the changes I want to make in my life will have me looking down into some dark scary places I have buried for a long time. I am reaching the point where I can no longer ignore the monsters in my closet and it's time for them to come out and be revealed for the harmless things they are. For I know once I expose them and deal with things I will be free - truly free - to make better connections in my life in ALL the areas that really matter to me.

SO! I have made the decision to attend the next Re:Life meet up even if that means I have to get up EXTRA early the next day to set up the trade show for the Red Deer crowd. This is just something I have to do for myself. I need to keep this up so that I don't fall into hibernation mode. I need to do this for myself. I am so close, so on the verge of making a real transformation...not just a temporary change...I'm talking about leaving my cocoon and actually using my wings to fly. I am reaching reaching reaching and this time I mean to hold on!

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Hey! What's the big idea???

I'm sorry I'm late with this! I was a bit overwhelmed last week with a few things and then went to Vancouver for the weekend so I am just now getting caught up on a few things back here in Calgary.

I want to try to continue to post my Re:Life Village lessons on a weekly basis not only to share with you my little chickens, but to also keep this fresh in my mind and as a way of focusing so I can accomplish my goals.

SO! Last week's lesson was on BIG IDEAS! Here is how it works.

Bold is a must, Idealistic is encouraged, Generic is forbidden.

The exercise starts with you using a blank piece of paper and writing your name down in the middle of the paper. Next you think up all the words to describe you (personality, physically, emotionally, spiritually etc etc) and you write these down all around your name.

Use EVERY word or thought process you want. Eg "Wants to open own business" or "Frustrated in my job" Define yourself as others see you "sister" "daughter". Use your personality traits "Entertainer" "Confident". Use the bad stuff in there too "Lazy" "Cocky" There is no right or wrong answer. You just write down everything that comes to mind. Next you look at the list and see if any of the words/phrases really jump out at you. Circle those ones. Now realize that no matter WHAT words you wrote matter if you think they are negative or positive...are wrong. These are all the things that make you who you are. We are all full of positives and negatives and the key is to just ACCEPT who you are. WHOLLY!

Ok. Next we had a worksheet to go from which looked sort of like this (I can't seem to figure out how to insert a table nor does cut and paste work from a word doc)

What do you want to accomplish in the next 12 months. Max 5 ideas

Body- why
How will this effect your physical needs & desires?

Mind- why
How will this affect your emotional needs & desires?

Spirit- why
How will this affect your greater purpose & passions?

What goals can you set daily to build your vision?

What goals can you set weekly to build your vision?

What must you get rid of & grieve in your life?

How & When will you mark and celebrate progress?

Take some time to REALLY think about what you want to do in the next 12 months and write down your big 5. I have already filled out 2 of my big 5 and am thinking about the others. I am pretty sure I know what they are but I want to be sure so I can use the worksheet to go through them all.

The good news is this. Even if you do not accomplish your goal to completion in 12 can modify your BIG idea to suit it. Eg, I know I'm not going to be out of debt in one year so I am setting a realistic goal for myself in that regard. I am going to lower my debt load by half. This is totally doable. I am also going to get more active and lose weight...I am not setting a certain amount on this...just changing my lifestyle in general to gain overall health.

Pretty soon as I make the steps daily and weekly toward my goals I will review this list and set new and more specific goals. I will visualize the exact amount of debt I will be free from and I will visualize exactly what my body is going to look like...right down to muscle tone and what I can wear etc.

Dream big my little chickens - you CAN accomplish your goals that you set out to - this tool might help you stay focused on your goals. Remember to really think about WHY you are wanting these things done. What inspires you?

In other news I have 2 drop dead gorgeous neighbours who have just moved in next door. As it of them is a personal trainer. Guess who just hired him OUTSIDE of his gym for $30.00hr 3 times a month?! I am already on my way to accomplishing my first goal and I am SO PHREAKING EXCITED!