Trust - give or take some fear

So last night's ReLife discussion was all about Trust. The premise being that you don't need to earn people's trust but instead you need to choose to give it. And I got to thinking about who I trust and why and who I don't trust and why.

I am trying to figure out where it was along the way that I lost trust in my family but more importantly...in myself.

I am so afraid of making the WRONG decision that I just choose to NOT make decisions and rather than assertively going after what I want in life I just let life happen TO me.

Well...that has gotten me to where I am now, but it's not helping me to grow. I have decided to just let go and have more. I am going to let go of fear and I am going to embrace trust. Now I'm not talking about getting hosed on some ponzi scheme but rather I am deciding to use some healthy boundaries but to give a bit more trust out to the world.

For example! I was out on a date 2 weeks ago and things went well. I explained I was going to be away for a week for work and so we texted back and forth during that week and all was fine. Upon my return I text him and he didn't respond until today. So basically it took him 5 days to get back to me.

My first thought was to write him off.

However...after last night's meeting I have really thought about it...and I'm going to try to give out a bit of trust. The worst case is that nothing comes of this with Powell (yeah...I did it...I named him a weird sounding name!).

Sooo. We are happily texting back and forth today and have made plans for Sunday. I'm not worried about whether or not they happen...I'm just going to trust that something lovely will happen in some sort of form. Even if it's just that I spend a few hours with him and laugh at least twice. End of expectation.

That is mostly where a lot of my disappointments come from...I have these expectations and they are rarely ever met. I am just trying to figure out how to relieve myself of these expectations and stay in the moment and life in Real Life!

Reaching...reaching....

So here I am back in Vancouver for the week surrounded by my Usual Suspects who love me and know me and just accept me for who I am...and I am feeling totally disconnected.

I am feeling in such a flux at the moment and I'm hoping it's just because I am recovering from a horrible case of the flu. In fact, if I were to believe those around me I had the H1N1 virus. I'm not 100% convinced but that's mostly because I don't want to think that I had anything piggy about me.

I am constantly thinking in the back of my head on what I am NOT doing. I'm NOT getting out to move for 30 minutes a day. I am NOT putting my change into a savings jar and these things are bothering me. And then I think...wtf! that is totally GAP based thinking and that has got to stop.

Sooo. I opened up a tin of chocolates on my trade show desk today and when they were all eaten by my various visitors I took the tin and emptied out all my change into it. I will be using this for the rest of my trip to put my change in.

I am feeling a bit better about THAT.

Now. Tonight I am going to hang out with one of my bff's and we're going to crack a bottle of wine, chat and hopefully I will start to feel a bit more human.

This is alllll over the place here so just be warned.

I am missing my Re:Life Community. I hate that I haven't been out in 2 weeks though it was nice to connect with a few of them in the week before I left. I feel like I need to slow down my life a bit and I am annoyed that my current employment is preventing me from dedicating more time to the Re:Life Village. Mostly I am resentful that I am missing out on the meetings.

I have been feeling like I am reaching the end of my tolerance for how unethical my boss is, how poorly he treats his staff and especially how poorly he runs the business. I have been feeling like I am reaching the end of my complacency. I am no longer able to just do this or that at his will without questioning him...and I know that is not my role...but I just can't help myself.

I am also feeling like I am reaching out more to my friends and family and trying to repair, renew and reevaluate my relationships.

I am reaching deep within myself as well to get the strength to face the trials that are about to be faced. I am not going into this lightly. I know that the changes I want to make in my life will have me looking down into some dark scary places I have buried for a long time. I am reaching the point where I can no longer ignore the monsters in my closet and it's time for them to come out and be revealed for the harmless things they are. For I know once I expose them and deal with things I will be free - truly free - to make better connections in my life in ALL the areas that really matter to me.

SO! I have made the decision to attend the next Re:Life meet up even if that means I have to get up EXTRA early the next day to set up the trade show for the Red Deer crowd. This is just something I have to do for myself. I need to keep this up so that I don't fall into hibernation mode. I need to do this for myself. I am so close, so on the verge of making a real transformation...not just a temporary change...I'm talking about leaving my cocoon and actually using my wings to fly. I am reaching reaching reaching and this time I mean to hold on!

Hey! What's the big idea???

I'm sorry I'm late with this! I was a bit overwhelmed last week with a few things and then went to Vancouver for the weekend so I am just now getting caught up on a few things back here in Calgary.

I want to try to continue to post my Re:Life Village lessons on a weekly basis not only to share with you my little chickens, but to also keep this fresh in my mind and as a way of focusing so I can accomplish my goals.

SO! Last week's lesson was on BIG IDEAS! Here is how it works.


Bold is a must, Idealistic is encouraged, Generic is forbidden.

The exercise starts with you using a blank piece of paper and writing your name down in the middle of the paper. Next you think up all the words to describe you (personality, physically, emotionally, spiritually etc etc) and you write these down all around your name.

Use EVERY word or thought process you want. Eg "Wants to open own business" or "Frustrated in my job" Define yourself as others see you "sister" "daughter". Use your personality traits "Entertainer" "Confident". Use the bad stuff in there too "Lazy" "Cocky" There is no right or wrong answer. You just write down everything that comes to mind. Next you look at the list and see if any of the words/phrases really jump out at you. Circle those ones. Now realize that no matter WHAT words you wrote down...no matter if you think they are negative or positive...are wrong. These are all the things that make you who you are. We are all full of positives and negatives and the key is to just ACCEPT who you are. WHOLLY!


Ok. Next we had a worksheet to go from which looked sort of like this (I can't seem to figure out how to insert a table nor does cut and paste work from a word doc)

BIG IDEA
What do you want to accomplish in the next 12 months. Max 5 ideas



Body- why
How will this effect your physical needs & desires?


Mind- why
How will this affect your emotional needs & desires?


Spirit- why
How will this affect your greater purpose & passions?


Daily
What goals can you set daily to build your vision?

Weekly
What goals can you set weekly to build your vision?


Purge
What must you get rid of & grieve in your life?


Reward
How & When will you mark and celebrate progress?


Take some time to REALLY think about what you want to do in the next 12 months and write down your big 5. I have already filled out 2 of my big 5 and am thinking about the others. I am pretty sure I know what they are but I want to be sure so I can use the worksheet to go through them all.

The good news is this. Even if you do not accomplish your goal to completion in 12 months...you can modify your BIG idea to suit it. Eg, I know I'm not going to be out of debt in one year so I am setting a realistic goal for myself in that regard. I am going to lower my debt load by half. This is totally doable. I am also going to get more active and lose weight...I am not setting a certain amount on this...just changing my lifestyle in general to gain overall health.

Pretty soon as I make the steps daily and weekly toward my goals I will review this list and set new and more specific goals. I will visualize the exact amount of debt I will be free from and I will visualize exactly what my body is going to look like...right down to muscle tone and what I can wear etc.

Dream big my little chickens - you CAN accomplish your goals that you set out to - this tool might help you stay focused on your goals. Remember to really think about WHY you are wanting these things done. What inspires you?

In other news I have 2 drop dead gorgeous neighbours who have just moved in next door. As it happens...one of them is a personal trainer. Guess who just hired him OUTSIDE of his gym for $30.00hr 3 times a month? Yes...me! I am already on my way to accomplishing my first goal and I am SO PHREAKING EXCITED!

The long look inside

Sooo. This week has been fraught with emotion. I'm suffering through the worst PMS I've ever had and yet I'm also tuning in with myself. I believe in serendipity. I believe that everything does happen for a reason and I'm becoming a bit more Spiritual in the last week or so.

Now I'm not praying to God or Allah or Buddha or anyone for that matter. I'm talking about just trying to BE and connect to the world around me.

On Tuesday I made sure to confirm with my RE:Life group for our special meeting of Life Mapping. I checked online and noticed the change of venue - but more than that, I learned that one of our members (whom I had not met) had died in a cycling accident on the Oregon coast. That night I took Tiernan out to the River Park but I was about an hour later than our regular time. As I made my way across the street to the park I noticed Caren and Caterina just entering the park.

Why was I an hour late? There was no reason. I wasn't caught up on the phone, I wasn't doing anything of note, there was no excuse other than my own lethargy preventing me from going at the regular time. I can't help but think that this was a great happening so that I could connect with Caren and Caterina outside of the Re: Life group. We spent 2 hrs talking and I learned quite a bit about Kitty - the girl that had died. I almost felt like I got to meet her from the way that Caren and Caterina were talking.

On Thursday I went to the Re:Life meeting and I was 15 minutes late. I was extremely frustrated and embarrassed and had a bit of a melt down. I was happy that they waited for me but I was flustered none the less.

The first half hour was spent as a memorial for Kitty and though I didn't know her...I couldn't stop the tears from flowing - especially during the song that Caterina had played. The song was soft and poignant and I'm sure under different circumstance it might even be uplifting. I mourned as if I knew her and felt very conflicted as I did so. Perhaps it was just that I could empathize with the group and felt their energy. Especially Caterina - who lost a good friend and potential mate in Kitty.

The next part of the meeting was spent Life Mapping. This was so incredibly hard for me because I had to look so far down inside myself. Now I'm not talking about your regular soul searching...I'm talking about the fucking Marianna's Trench of your very being. And that my little chickens...can be really dark and scary.

There was a sheet to work from that had 4 columns as follows:

GAP
Where do you feel ashamed or fear? What are you hiding?
___________________________________________________________________________

LIFE
What do you truly desire in your heart? What do you really want from Life?
_____________________________________________________________________________

BLESSING/TRUTH
How have we committed to help you turn from the Gap to Life?
______________________________________________________________________________

COMMITMENT
______________________________________________________________________________


The key here is to delve down into your very own Marianna's Trench and answer these questions honestly. Can you answer these? I won't lie to you chickens...I knew nearly immediately what my Gaps were and what I was hiding...and I cried. I cried because these are Gaps I have carried with me for nearly all my life and when I wrote them down it was like staring at my enemy right in the eye. It was nearly overwhelming.

I listed to the group share their Gaps and Life columns and I offered my blessings and commitment to those I felt comfortable doing so with. I was the last to share my Gap and Life columns and I only shared one of items I wrote down. It was the only one I wanted to share at that time and I will share it again here.

My biggest Gap right now is that both my physical and emotional houses are in shambles. I am letting my emotions rule me and I'm filling the emptiness inside me with food and lethargy. I am allowing my emotions to manifest physically into apathy, sloth and gluttony.

Soo. What do I truly want out of life in changing my gap? I want to clean these houses. I want to become more active physically and actively seek ways to control my emotions a bit more. I think that it's high time to figure out why I hide myself in my weight.

The Blessings and Encouragement that I received from the group was amazing. Especially from Josie whom I had met only once for 10 minutes. Ethan - who runs the group was particularly moving in his Blessing that he gave me.

Now I know I know we're using the word "Blessing" but it's more like a positive thought or wish for someone. This group is actually not religious at all. I'd say it's more Spiritual in that it accepts you no matter what religion you may or may not believe in. Being Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or Muslim it doesn't matter. Religion is not a part of what we discuss.

There are other items in my GAP and LIFE column and I was a bit too busy crying and trying to receive the blessings that I forgot to write them down in my Blessing/Truth column.

Now we come to the last column This one was already filled out with a pledge to the Re: Life village. This is basically up to the individual if they wanted to sign and commit to the group. The commitment could be through time, treasure or talent and it also states that there is no obligation or proof needed - it has stated that your actions demonstrate your commitment.

Of course I had no problems signing that. I have committed to this group wholeheartedly . I will try to do whatever I can to uphold the core beliefs of Compassion, Community and Communion (not in the Catholic way!!).

I can't help but think that this is the beginning of a fantastic relationship with my life and I can't wait to share this experience with others with the hope of helping them on their path as well.

One (of many) BIG IDEA

Right! I'm trying to get back into posting a bit more regularly even if this is my own drivel. It's cathartic drivel and really...I'm still of the opinion that if you don't like it don't read it. An incredibly simple concept - and yet- it alludes many.

So I did end things with Linus but I fear I have given him some false sense of hope. I am not sure if I could ever just simply accept him for who he is. I believe that a large part of what was missing for me was respect. No job, living at home, part time Dad that seems OK with giving up totally on his sons...I just could not get on board with respecting those things. He did make several strides at improving himself in our short term together - but is this enough for me? I don't know.

Right now I can't imagine being in ANY relationship at all. Right now the most fulfilling and joyous relationships I have is with Tiernan - my dog. I would like to be able to say the same thing of myself but I'm just not quite there yet and I am definitely not able to say that of my relationship with Linus.

I have recently joined a Life Coaching group called Re:Life. This isn't the typical Life Coaching scenario - this is a group discussion on a range of topics and I like this quite a bit. I like getting more than just one opinion to mull over and it feels like a pretty safe environment to share some of my crap with. I like the fact that we're all coming from vastly different places in our lives so it's not so much one on one or one vs. many but the sharing and community aspect of this group is quite amazing. If you are interested in knowing more about this then please visit their website: http://giftofrelife.com/

The key to this is being honest with yourself. It's quite a difficult thing for some - myself included. I'd love to believe that my shit doesn't stink...but it does and I'm not going to try to mask it with floral sprays. I just have to acknowledge my behaviour in whatever form it takes and then try to make the adjustments in myself to have better relationships - regardless if they are platonic, romantic, or familial.

So right now my BIG IDEA is to take a few months just for me. Stop worrying about love or sex or any combination of the two. I am quite tempted to remove myself from several online boards (not this one chickens so don't worry) just so I can have a fresh start.

I have noticed that the majority of my life changes/decisions tend to happen in Autumn. I'm not really sure why that is - perhaps I instinctively just do this close to my birthday so I have a fresh year for a fresh look/attitude.

My first dance class was a great success and I felt amazing afterwards. Linus is in my class as well and that wasn't quite as awkward as I had initially thought it was going to be. I could feel his eyes on my the entire time but I choose to just ignore it. I am determined to have fun, learn these dances and practise at every opportunity.

Today and every day I have to decide to love my life. I have to do the things that make me feel good and that not only benefits me...but those around me as well. Let go, have more, give back.

I've had an epiphany!

And I'm not too happy about it! In fact - I'm pretty disgruntled.

My life is not a movie or tv sitcom and it's not likely to become one anytime soon. How completely disappointing!! There is no guy waiting in the wings for me to notice him, there is no drop dead gorgeous man who will suddenly decide that an overweight woman with shaky self esteem is his great big fat (insert ethnicity) wedding.


The one great trait I have is my ability to dodge the "miserable ever after" bullet.

Miguel and I broke up - I'm not going to get into it. It's over, it's done, it was all built on lies he told me and I told myself. I am just as much to blame as him - I was pretty sure he was full of shit but I just wanted my dream to come true so badly that I failed to pay attention to all the warning signs.

So now I'm seeing Linus. There are so many great qualities about Linus...unfortunately - he is my bitter rebound. I know this because for every great quality he has I see about 10 flaws. There are many many women who he could make blissfully happy - but I think in the end I would make him totally unhappy. There are too many things that make him innately him that I want him to completely change!

I am not used to dating down on an intellectual level and I am doing that with Linus. He's not dumb - but he's not that smart. It's not even a book vs. street smart issue. I can't quite explain it. Perhaps it just comes down paying attention - and I am not talking about to 'the little things'. He can't see the BIG THINGS yet he will try his hardest to find the little things.

Anyway...I just need some time to find a way to gently tell him that this is just not going to work out in the long run.

I bring this up because one of my very best friend's just got married. I got very caught up in the romance of the wedding that I found myself day-dreaming about my own wedding - and knew in my heart that the man I marry would not be Linus.

So here I am with the promise of improving myself (again) and I am just wondering...where to start? Yes my weight has become an issue - I am no longer comfortable in my own body and of course that shows in public. However, I'm not so naive to think that my weight is what is holding my back from my happily every after.

So what is it? What the fuck is happening in my brain that I can't figure my life out!!! BAHHHH

Ahem.

And if someone finds the script to my life can they reveal if I get my happily ever after without totally giving away the fun and mystery of my happily ever after ending??

Thanks.

Royally Fucked

Don't be alarmed little chickens...I'm not talking about being screwed in any other way other than in the bestest way possible!!!

I can't even begin to tell you what last night was like. There are no words. It was the sort of sex that is written about by the likes of Anais Nin or even Henry Miller...or Anais Nin ABOUT Henry Miller! teehee It was the sort of sex that required a considerable amount of re-hydration and linen changing. It was the sort of sex I was not sure I was ever going to have in my life.

I don't want to get into all the juicy details but I just wanted to post something. I was never more completely satisfied as I was last night. I was never so responsive or had a partner so willing to please me.

The more time I spend with Miguel the more I feel a very calm, relaxed and very deep connection to him. It is a slow burn...like the embers of a camp fire that are still there in the morning so you can have a warm and quiet moment to yourself and then you can put a few logs on and the fire continues into the next day...and so on and so on.