Thursday, December 17, 2009

Another Epiphany!

So lately I've been remiss in updating this and that is because I've been spending quite a bit of my free time working on my H3 project and talking for 3hrs at a time every single night for 2 1/2 weeks to Jordan.

Since joining Re:Life I've made some pretty drastic changes in my life. I have started on a path to get my health in order, I have begun the excited journey toward opening up my own holistic business and I have been setting the bar higher for my personal relationships on the platonic, familial and romantic levels.

One of the lessons in particular that has stuck with me is the one from my 2nd meeting at RE:Life in regards to romantic relationships. It was a lesson that asked you to think about WHY you are in a particular relationship. What are you motives? Are they altruistic or selfish or a combination of both? It was from that lesson that I knew I had to end things with Linus immediately because I was only with him for all the very wrong reasons. He could have been ANYBODY. I didn't care about Linus...I only cared about the needs he could fulfil for me...not about him as a person at all.

After breaking up with Linus I decided to take a bit of time and remain celibate, examine what I wanted in a relationship and ask the Universe to help me out.

I then figured...well...since I'm asking the Universe for help on THAT subject...I may as well ask It for help in a lot of different areas - namely my H3 project and my health and fitness goals.

Well guess what? It WORKED! I have been consciously trying to amend my inner monologue to reflect positive words, phrases, requests, thoughts and deeds. I have been trying to find some quiet moments to meditate and concentrate and relate to things that are going on and in those moments I find the answers to a lot of questions I was asking or better yet...I come to realize that through my social network I know people whom I can ask for help or services.

Now - in regards to Jordan. I have been hearing a lot about Jordan from Ken - a good friend of mine here in Calgary. Ken has been saying for MONTHS that when Jordan moves to Calgary that he and I should get together and that we'd be perfect for each other etc etc. The only down side is that Jordan smokes. Well...I wasn't particularly convinced. Jordan came to Calgary for a visit when I was away in Vancouver. The next time he came to Calgary I was busy that night and couldn't make it. It because so that I didn't think Jordan existed at all! I often referred to him as Ken's Snuffalupagous and just dismissed the idea of Jordan and I ever meeting.

The end of November marked Ken's 40th year on this planet. So with great gusto his fantastic girlfriend Pita planned a wonderful birthday party for him at a local restaurant/bar. The guest list was to include Jordan among 14 other guests.

Earlier in the week I had been going on a dating frenzy but had experienced some disappointment in that department. After a particularly sub-standard date I met my Group of 7 at our local Wednesday night hang out for ribs and wine. Among the attendees was Jordan - my goodness! He exists!!! We exchanged hellos and a warm handshake and then the rest of the night saw me regaling the group with my bad date story. I left fairly early in the evening so didn't get a chance to get to know Jordan very much at all other than he appeared to have a firm gasp of the English truth he is a veritable Lexicon!

The Friday of Ken's birthday was quite exciting! Jordan and I spent most of the evening chatting and getting to know each other and all the while in the back of my head I was thinking "Too bad he's a smoker". I couldn't help but think that it was very GAP based of me...but I felt strongly that I can not date a smoker for fear of slipping back into that nasty old habit myself.

I admit that most of the night is still quite a blur. I drank DOUBLE my normal amount of alcohol in some sort of unspoken pissing match between Jordan and I. I matched him beer for beer as we laughed and chatted and flirted - though all the while I refused his outright advances.

At the end of the evening I came out and told Jordan outright that he has no chance of dating me until/unless he quits smoking. He insisted he was wanting to quit anyway but I told him that the proof would lie in the eating of the pudding and not just in the pudding itself. This may seem like an odd thing to say but so many people just say "the proof is in the pudding" and I suppose there is some truth in that...the REAL proof is in the EATING of the pudding.

Sunday was Grey Cup weekend and we had all agreed to go to our local hang out to watch the game. I had already made a 'date' for that day and invited my date along. (this was our 2nd date) It was as I was confirming the date that I realized that the only person who I really wanted to see there was Jordan.

My date Dale arrived over an hour late and brought a spare Dale with him. It seemed very odd to me that a man would be so insecure to watch a sporting event with a 'date' and 4 of her friends...but I suppose not everyone can have my level of self confidence.

The entire afternoon I sat beside Jordan who had his arm around the back of my chair and who was asking me questions, interested in my life and hobbies and ideas. In fact, if it were not for Jordan my date Dale would know NOTHING about me. I did my best to follow social norms and include my date Dale and his friend Dale in the conversations but more and more I just wanted to lean into Jordan's side and quietly confer with him about the game and the people around us. This lead to a very awkward feeling. I hate having someone left out of the group but I was so drawn to Jordan that the conflict I was feeling was apparent to everyone in our little group EXCEPT the 2 Dale's.

At the end of the game Jordan offers to pay for EVERYONE'S drinks and food. Everyone. This was an olive branch offering for how Friday night ended (and no, I will not go into detail here but suffice to say that Jordan felt embarrassed and the need to make amends whereas the rest of us felt that it wasn't necessary as everything worked out in the end and reason won out at the end of the night). I was touched by his generosity but felt it was a bit misplaced and insisted on paying my share. When the 2 Dales heard that Jordan was picking up the tab I'm not even sure if they uttered a Thank You. I felt it was exceptionally rude though perhaps my date Dale thought it rude of Jordan to have his arm around me the entire time as well...

We left the pub and said goodbye to the 2 Dales. The rest of us went back to Ken and Jordan's place for a few more bevvies and to relax. It was a great night and I gave Jordan a bit of a shoulder/neck rub under the guise of wooing him as a new client but honestly...I just wanted to touch him.

The following day Jordan had to leave for Manitoba to finish up some contract work he had there and the plan was that he would be back in town for our Christmas Party which was planned for the 19DEC. All day Monday I could not stop thinking about Jordan. Tuesday rolled around and I texted him a brief note encouraging him to drive safely and to quit smoking. The following day I met Ken and Pita for ribs and we discussed Jordan at length...the more I was getting to know him and about him the more I couldn't stop thinking about him.

The week passed in a blur of work and yoga and ReLife and I found myself constantly distracted by thoughts of Jordan. How very odd for him to have made SUCH an impression with only 3 meetings! Friday we chatted back and forth via Facebook Chat and soon 1 1/2hrs of my work day were eaten up by the quick and easy dialogue between Jordan and myself. It was the catalyst for the weeks to come.

Since that Friday night on 04DEC Jordan and I have talked for on average 3hrs each night on the phone. He flew in for the party on the 19DEC and that is when we had our first official date. This all seems so incredibly romantic but I will let you in a a little secret.

In EVERY SINGLE ONE of my past relationships I have always rushed the physical side of things. ALWAYS. There has been NO exception to that until Jordan. In the weeks while he was away we were chatting so much in a very focused way of "getting to know you" without the possibility of actually being in the same room...therefore the physical side of things was put on the back burner until the 19th. Even then I picked him up from the airport and we did a few errands, made dinner, chatted and cuddled and kissed...but still did not rush into sex.

So the long distance thing is bothering me as of late...but I still can not help but think "this is worth it....HE is worth it". let's just see how the next few months go and I'm going to try really hard to live in the NOW and not think too much about the future and where this may or may not go.

Right now I am trying to learn how to just be a human BEING instead of human DOING.