Friday, December 02, 2011

37 did I end up here?

So, my birthday has come and gone and so has Will.

I haven't been able to let myself fully understand and let go of all that happened between Will and I but I am happier without him. I broke up with him just after my birthday and we were together for just over a year. I suppose if I were totally honest with myself (and you too my little chickens) I will have to say that I pretty much knew that the relationship was over 2 days before we moved in together.

I need a partner. I need someone who isn't afraid of themselves. I need someone who won't try to manipulate their way out of their mistakes. I need someone who actually has self confidence and who actually has opinions and beliefs of their own.

Will did not fit any of the above description but he sure did a good impersonation of those qualities for exactly 5 months. After the 5 month mark he really just got tired of being someone he was not and then his constant neediness, insecurity, sloven nature just came straight out. It was hard to be the adult in the relationship all the time. It was just too much pressure on me while going to school and trying to learn all there is to learn for my RMT course with him being sooooo incapable of being a functioning adult.

I know I have often dreamed of being a mother...but it's not the role I want to play in my romantic relationship. I mean...Will could barely brush his teeth each and every day and I found myself nagging at him like a mother would to a child.

So here I am at 37, single, a full time student and poor with debt just piling up. How the FUCK did I end up here?? I know that school is what I need to be focused on. I know that the debt shouldn't be what stops me from continuing on with my studies, after all, once I'm finished school and a working RMT it won't take me too long to pay it all off.

Maybe I just need to allow myself to let go of all the "what if's" and the disappointments of the last few years. I don't want to be a woman that relies on a man for approval but I am feeling lonely, I mean, soul wrenching at my core lonely. I have AMAZING friends but I do crave having a supportive loving partner.

The older I get the more I wonder if my ideas of a partner are that far fetched or if I simply waste my time with the Eeyore's (Will), the Cowards (Jordan) or a laundry list of other men that I dated just because I am lonely and not because they were good matches for me.

The GOOD NEWS is that being at school and doing what I'm doing has always felt right. This path I'm on is exactly where I need to be for my career and I am truly grateful for that. It's difficult, but it's not out of reach and I am able to pull up my socks and buckle down when needed. I feel like pretty soon I need to BUST OUT and do something wild...but what?

I've considered moving to someplace totally different after I get my license. Packing up and taking Tiernan with me to someplace. Ireland, England, Costa Rica or maybe even living in the South of France or Italy. Who knows. Maybe my thoughts of leaving is just me trying to run away from myself - again.

I feel rusty at this and clumsy. Words aren't flowing freely as once they did but that might be because I'm joking on how I am once more complaining when in the grand scheme of things I have it relatively easy.

I do instinctively feel that if I just focus on ME right now that it's truly the best course of action. Will I find love and a partner I want to spend my life with? Who knows. But without my health, family, friends and a satisfying career it won't matter.