Thursday, June 14, 2007

Mr Big Baby Boy

Blah blah blah Ted broke up with me blah blah blah he's still not deciding where his life is going blah blah blah.


Ok. So it isn't as bad as all that. Yes Ted broke up with me (well, technically my table cloth as he didn't have the balls to look me in the eye) but failed to phase me. There were some things that I just didn't think we could get past.

1) His complete lack of interests in sports. I'm not a jock, but I do love hockey and play softball and love to hike and camp and generally be outside and get dirty. Ted...not so much. He's more of a movie dude, music dude, art dude and general inside boy.

2) He's a boy. Let's not confuse this issue with gender. Sure he has a penis (and yes, that is where the initial Mr. Big came from - too big though and I'll go into that more later) but there is a difference between being a MAN at the age of 32 and being a BOY at the age of 32. Ted was most definitely a boy. I appreciate where it's important to keep childlike wonders of some things, but there must be a time when you must also recognize that at 32 you ought to be grown up.

3) Mr. Big was indeed TOO big. I know you're not really supposed to talk about the cock your with or even the details of the one you've just been with...but YIKES!!!! Length wasn't the issue...the girth of the thing made me shudder upon my first glimpse. The first time (out of 3 times) we attempted to have sex I had to be talked into it. "Babies come out of's OK" was the tag line of the night. Sure some women really get into huge cocks...but oh my goodness. There is big and then there is the 'my fingers can't touch when I try to encircle it' big. I enjoy the feeling of being "full" but this was more like being stuffed...and not in a way that actually 'fit'.

Don't let the above fool you though...I am suffering from PMS so this is probably coming off a bit harsher than I actually feel about it. I would like to share with you the funny way in which he decided to break up with me though.

The night before The Breakup we had gone to a CD release party for a friend of mine's Salsa band Tanga. The night was hot and not just with the fabulous music...the place was SWELTERING and we had some Salsa Dance lessons plus were just dancing to the music on our own too. It was then that he brought up my impending trip to Cuba.

Because Ted had been very affectionate with me, bought me a small and thoughtful gift earlier in the night and treated me to a very yummy dinner I thought this was his way of bringingn it up to invite himself along on my trip. So naturally I laid out my travel plans and invited him along. He seemed fairly enthusiastic and said he'd look into making that happen.

The night progressed and I did mention to him that I was worried about asking him to Cuba as it does seem a bit forward at this early stage of our dating. He replied with "You can't get rid of me that easily" - remember this's important later.

Sooo. The night comes to a close and I decide I want to go home (I never could relax and actually SLEEP while Ted was in my bed...or when I was in sleep was to be had). He tells me he was going out with 'the guys' on Friday (which I thought was odd cuz he hardly has any guy friends from what he told me) and I was happy he was doing that so that I could have a much needed ME night. We confirmed our date for Saturday and then we both went to our respective homes.

The next day was Friday and it was SOOO GORGEOUS outside that I decided to screw having a ME night and instead go out with the girls from work and Fi and just enjoy the sun with some bevvies. At around 7:30PM I get a call from Ted asking "where are you??"

I laughed and said I was out and why wasn't he out with the guys? He said that his guy night was postponed and wondered what time I was going to be home. I was not wanting to go home too early...I was having girly time and didn't want to end it prematurely to see him - after all I saw him the night before and was planning on seeing him the night after. I told him I could be home between 9:30 -10PM and he asked if he could call me then. I gave my consent and went back to chatting with Fi.

At 9:30PM Fi drives me home and asks if she could come up to check her emails. Why not? So we drive around but there is no place to park. Fi said that she'd give it a miss and just go home. No biggie. I go up to my apartment, go to the bathroom, turn my computer on and then write out my rent check. I get some laundry together and am about to head down to throw a load in the machine when my buzzer rings. I have been home MAYBE 6 minutes. I naturally think it's Fi who has found a spot and will come up to check her emails after all. This was not the case.

It was Ted and he sounded desperate "Hey Kwerkie, it's Ted, let me up".


So I buzzed him up and he appears at my door all sweaty and in the EXACT SAME CLOTHES that he wore the previous night. Now was hot in the place we were in and we were both dancing and he is a very sweaty I was immediately thinking YIKES! YUCK!

He excuses his clothing by saying he didn't sleep at all the night before and has finally figured out why he hasn't been sleeping and he must talk to me immediately. I got the 'break up' vibe from him so I said "Oh no, that's ok. You'd like to break up and I'm ok with that".

But he felt that he needed to explain.

He said he wasn't sure where his life was going, he might move up north to Prince George, he doesn't know if he wants to have kids, he's only a boy, he's still very young and I"m so much older than he is" (note, I am only 6 months older than he is).

Anyway... Ted is a very nice guy there is no doubt about that. I don't know if the PG thing was a truth or a convenient excuse...the whole speech went along the 'it's not you it's me' theme but the funny thing is...I KNOW it's not me. He never once looked me in the eye to say anything except the initial "you are a really great person" part. Everything that followed was said to my new fancy green table cloth.

Was I too keen? Maybe, but there was always a level of caution for me. I wasn't the one saying things like "you'll have to help me celebrate my birthday next year", and "at Christmas you'll have to partake in (insert sundry family tradition here)." These were things that HE was saying in the first 3 weeks we were dating.

I listened to him talk and my responses were all "Ok" and "That's alright" and I didn't get upset at all nor did I counter him in any way and when he suddenly farted (yuck) and then got up to go -he hugged me sweatily and awkwardly and then tried to put his shoes on. I said "I'll walk you down, I have to pay my rent anyway."

In truth I just wanted him to suffer a tiny bit more in the awkwardness he was enveloped in because I was pretty sure he saw me come home...and that wigged me out a bit. I wasn't feeling weird about the actual breakup at all, it was simply time to end this and I was pleased he did it before I did. We get down to the lobby and he asked for one more hug which I granted him.

Then I started to giggle.

Ted: "Why are you laughing?" He seemed horrified!

I just couldn't help myself - I told him the truth!

Kwekie "Umm (giggle) I"m laughing because yesterday when I told you that I was worried about asking you to Cuba because you might have thought I was planning too far ahead (giggle) and you said that you didn't think that and that I couldn't get rid of you that easily (giggle)...well...apparently I can! "

Then I laughed some more, he turned red in the face, looked a bit embarrassed and turned to leave. He then turned back and said "maybe in a few months if you felt like calling...." to which I quickly interrupted him and said "No, that won't be happening, but you take good care."

I wasn't sarcastic and I was trying to be kind to him as he was clearly going through a rough time. What bothered me the MOST about the whole thing was this tiny fact that the astute reader may or may not have picked up on.

Ted called me at 7 30PM asking where I was because...he was actually calling from a PAY PHONE located 3 blocks from my house. He had been in my neighbourhood waiting for me to come home since 5pm. This is why he knew to buzz me so quickly after I got home...he was down the block and SAW me come home. The guy waited approximately FIVE HOURS outside my door to break up with me. Stalkerish and very creepy.

Ah well...moving on.