Wednesday, November 15, 2006

My Life needs an Enima!

Right! I've been constipated on the issue of Mattias for far too long. It's time to shit or get off the pot.

I've decided that a change in the appearance of The Single Files was needed. After looking through Lady K's blog and LOVING the changes she's made there...I thought it was high time to switch things around here.

No more Kwerkie the Kermit....on to Kwerkie the Klassy.

To be a class act I shall have to do some major overhauling.

1) Thursday is D day for Mattias and I. I can't give any more and I need a lot more than he is giving. It's not a suprise - we have been doing the 'this isn't working' dance for a while now and it's time that I grew up and just took care of it.

My friend Jordie said something to me the other day that I can't stop thinking about. "Is the fucking you're having worth the fucking you're getting" - a bit of redneck philosophy to make me realize that all the issues that are between Mattias and I are NOT worth all the stress.

I KNOW relationships are work. I KNOW there needs to be give and take...but the point is to find a bit of a balance - I no longer feel that this see-saw game is safe for me. I am aware that this sounds like a fairweather lover point of view, but let's be honest here - I'm not likely to get the end product I want - ie KID(s) of my own - why hang on to something that isn't what I want? It's like those silly green high heels I bought in the Spring and never wore nor returned.

2) I am afraid that I am becoming a bit jaded in my perception of people in general. The clique that I hang out with have some good 'keepers' in there but I am getting more and more disgruntled with the amount of immature bullshit that seems to be teaming through it. In particular I am saddened that my friendships with some people seem to be have been built on smoke and mirrors.

I can barely deal with my OWN emotional napalm let alone someone else's and I am getting more and more bored with the attempts at self gratification and manipulation that I see others doing.

I need to be on my own for a while. I need to cave a bit. I need to get a bit of a firmer stance on the ground so that I don't just fly off the handle at any old thing.

I am thinking about taking a self defence class. I think it will help me in a few ways - but mostly to be a bit less sensitive and emotional. Sometimes I cherish my openess with my feelings...other times it just seems to get me ito more trouble and heartache then necessary.

Does anyone have any advice for become a cold hearted bitch? Perhaps just a bit more guarded?? do you like the new look? do I add my links back??

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Sweet & Sour - I'm a phreakin' Meatball!

I’m too nice to the point of being an absolute bitch.

Hey- don’t furrow your brows like that…it makes sense….just think about it.

I am being really nice to Mattais lately. Too nice. Which is why when I go 100% Cold Turkey on him it’s going to seem like some sort of Cybil moment. It’s not…it’s just that I’m too nice and then when I put my foot down…it comes off like I’m a mega bitch. Which will ALL know is just not true…if I’m a mega ANYTHING it’s a Megalomaniac!

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be friends with my exs. It’s too hard…there’s too much demand on my time and I can’t stand it. I need to just start saying NO.

What seems to be my issue here? Why is it that I have to make sure it all comes out roses? Sometimes a relationship dies and it should just be left alone. We’re both great people, but I don’t want to BE with him anymore. I KNOW he’s not the one for me and I refuse to ‘rescue’ him.

When we broke up I initially felt it hard. We talked a LOT. There were still about 4-7 calls per day and we even met for lunch once during the week. Then it was just too easy to fall back into the swing of things…back into meeting for lunch, back into 6-12 calls per day and then back into bed again.


How will EITHER of us move on if we are still doing EVERYTHING that couples do? I know that most of this is my fault. I’m a phreakin’ push over. I think I need to take a self defense class. If I know I can kick the shit out of someone I think it would be easier for me to just say no. Also, Mattias fed my ego…and my stomach. 18lbs gained since we started dating. No I’m NOT suggesting that he’s a Feeder. But…there was some recreational pharmaceuticals consumed and I ALWAYS get the munchies…for really really bad icky things. Then between work and trying to see him I haven’t been to the gym. MY FAULT I know.


BACK to the gym with me- (hoorah for day 1)

STOPPING the phone calls, texts and other things with Mattias. COLD TURKEY. On to meatballs.