Ok...so I've talked with Ronan.
EVERYTHING has come out. All of it. How I feel like he's not into this, how I am diappointed with the lack of sex, how he doesn't talk around my friends or family all that stuff. I also told him about the guy who approached me on Tues.
We had a MASSIVE blow out fight about it. He didn't believe that I didn't give out my ph#. He was shocked and hurt that I would flirt with another man. It was a horrible ordeal. He was so angry with me and I was so hurt that he couldn't see my side of things at all.
We talked it out on Saturday and I mentioned the concerns I have about his obvious homophobia and his outbursts while driving - usually derogatory comments about Asian drivers which come across as racist remarks more often than not.
We have agreed that we need to communicate more and better and we are trying to work things out. I am still feeling a bit uneasy and it's all to do with his homophobia to be honest.
Here is what I am thinking. I have a lot of gay friends...A LOT. I can not possibly imagine my life without these friends in it and having them over to my place and hanging out with them etc. If Ronan is sooo against them for no other reaon other than that is what he grew up with...an inbred hatred for gay men (oh yes...he's the typical double standard man...lesbians are fabulous, gay men should be shot). ...then what sort of life is that together?
What if we actually got married and had a son that turned out to be gay? What would happen then??? I can see disaster with that.
I love him but I am really worried about this issue. We are trying to sort this out...I will keep you posted on how it goes.
7 comments:
The last time I dated a guy who looooved lesbians, he turned out to be one! Be cautious, you're too cool to settle for a guy who freely expresses such negativity, and is also distant.
Nobody likes a bigot.
Until you're gay or asian, however, your real problem is that he's not actually being very nice. Increasingly remote where you want, expect and deserve intimacy.
It makes me cringe to hear you describe how he's treating you, and then conjecture about your hypothetical children -- you deserve better.
I'm afraid I'd have to agree with the previous commenters. He sounds like bad news. If he still has these attitudes at thirty-whatever years old, it is doubtful that a sudden and complete turnaround is going to occur. In my experience, people who freely spew racist and homophobic remarks have a host of other unsavoury characteristics. Not worth it!
Aramous here..... we bumped into one another the other day and rode the bus and talked about said issues..... the reality is this...... you wouldn't take that type of shit from me - a friend whom you love - but somehow someone you're intimate with is different? If I was a homophobe or a racist - you'd 86 me so quick.... cause you're real with me - so be real with yourself and realize you deserve better. And you do flirt with me all the time by the way !! LOL - Keep it real - of all the friends you talk about with me - none of them are like this.... so how come you suddenly want to talk youself into settleing for less than you want and a whole lot less than you deserve? (tapping my foot and crossing my arms) LOL. Loving you......... ME.
Ok, here I am to play devil's advocate...well, not really, but I know I am going to get flack for what I am about to say. First off about Asian drivers - I wish it weren't true, but Asian drivers (not all but a lot) are terrible drivers! Call me racists, call me what you will, but 8 times out of 10 when you drive around Vancouver if someone is doing something stupid on the road they are probably Asian. I am not saying this because I am “racists” but because it is what I observe on a day to day basis. Take me to task on this, but if you regularly drive around this city you cannot refute what I am saying. (In fact I know Asians who can’t stand Asian drivers.)
Secondly about the homophobia: I take offence to the statement, ”...he's the typical double standard man...lesbians are fabulous, gay men should be shot.” The fact is I prefer interacting with gay men over gay women because of one simple difference: gay men tend not to hate straight men. Most lesbians have a general “hate on” for men which makes them very difficult to get along with. Of course making such a statement probably qualifies me as “homophobic” in many peoples’ eyes, but no one would dare call a lesbian on their negativity towards men. Oh, the double standard!
Now I am not sure what Ronan is saying about gay people because all we have to go on is your statement that he is “homophobic” which leaves things very open ended. But let’s face it, how many straight guys out there don’t make “gay” comments for fun? I’m not taking about saying gay men should be “shot”, but rather putting on a lisping voice when taking about paint colors, or making inappropriate statements about anal sex, etc. Why do we do it? I’m not sure, but we do. However, I know many straight men who do this but believe in gay marriage, equal rights, or have gay friends themselves (myself included).
So what’s my point? Don’t paint people with too broad of a brush because they yell at Asian drivers or speak with a lisp when ordering a margarita. Calling them racists or homophobes is pretty strong words.
Hiya giermo! You're a racist!
... or your comment was a very cleverly camoflauged piece of edgy irony. I can't decide which.
"Don’t paint people [as racist/homophobic] with too broad of a brush because they yell at Asian drivers or speak with a lisp when ordering a margarita." Brilliant! It would be unjust to label people as racists or homophobes merely based on the alienating things they say and/or do.
More to the point, Kwerkie's made it clear that she's uncomfortable around the derogatory outbursts. If he continues, Ronan is making something else clear.
I hope all is going well, Kwerkie -- thinking of you.
Hey, Tin Foilded, you’re wrong!
First of all, making derogatory comments about homosexuals doesn’t make you a racist: it makes you a bigot. Please get your political correctness correct!
For my part, saying that many Asian drivers are bad drivers isn’t a hate comment; it’s an observation of behavior. It’s along the lines of saying British people act as if they still have an empire, or Australians like to drink, or the Scottish are cheap, or Canadian’s say “Eh.” You could even extend the metaphor to say plumbers often show bum crack when bending over, politicians are liars, and GM makes lousy cars. Perhaps if I said I hate Asians because they are bad drivers, then I might be racist. But I didn’t say that, I said many of them are bad drivers and that I observe this on a day to day basis. So if you have ever made a comment about the British, Australians, Scots, Canadians, plumbers, politicians, GM or any other culture/profession/product on the face of the Earth then I guess you’d qualify as a racist (in your definition) as well. I must assume you never have or you’d be a hypocrite and goodness knows, someone as smart as yourself would never get caught in that trap...
Now on to the homophobe comment. Again, if I said I hate homosexuals because they speak with a lisp or perform anal sex, then I guess I would qualify as a homophobe or bigot. But I didn’t. Have you ever said something like, “Put a shrimp on the barby,” or “If it ain’t Scottish, it’s crap!” or “Chowder, say it, Frenchie” (all with the appropriate accents of course)? Well, if you have, then you are a [bigot] by your definition. Saying, “Oh, I love sea foam sweaters!” with a lisp is using cultural inflections that we hear in every day conversations (just watch any home decorating show and tell me you don't hear the inflection). Perhaps it is stereotyping certain cultures or social groups, but I do not think it is alienating (one could argue that it is embracing a culture as part of your own). On the other hand, if one of my friends used an inflection and I said, “Stop it! People will think were Australians! And boy, I hate the Aussies!” then I could be seen as a bigot.
Of course this is all a very complex discussions about semantics that isn’t easy to discuss in such a forum. But I will keep doing what I do and still hang out with my Asian and gay friends despite what you or anyone else may think of me. I would say your comments were reactionary based on your opinions/observations of straight white males. I’d love to hear your rebuttal.
Thanks.
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