Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Positively Negative

I just want to bitch for a minute.

I want to bitch about random things that have been on my mind for a little while and some things that just came to light today.

I want to bitch about people who are the 'other woman' or the 'other man' in an affair. What makes you KNOWINGLY get involved with another person who is either a) married or b) in a relationship? What is the appeal here? Is the attached man/woman THAT attractive that any sense of morals or social etiquette goes right out the window? In the case I am thinking of, the affair has "allegedly" ended but it has actually has had ripple effects and has actually went from being just a 'personal' thing to actually interfering with the 'other persons' business. I wonder what would happen if the 'other person's' BOSS found out.

I want to bitch about ....ahhh forget it. I'm tired of bitching.

It's fall...what mega change is going to take place this year?

Mattias and I are still in the talking stage of the kid discussion. He's 95% 'in'. I"m not sure what that means exactly but for now I'm still having fun.

Work is going GREAT! Big Mega PHAT raise. 3 International Trips on the go and a new Festival in the works that I am organizing. Lots of trips to see teachers but sadly...due to the conflict with my oldest brother and his wife about to have their 2nd child...I will not be going to Alberta to see my favourites.

I toss around the idea of moving to Calgary a lot...but with the way work is going right now and my family expanding...well...it seems that Vancouver will be my home for a while. I keep hearing about all the wonderful fabulous things in Calgary...

I'm turning 32...what the hell happened to My Plan?

Monday, September 18, 2006

all the cards are on the table

So last month was my nephew Noah's 2nd Birthday and of course there was a party and of course my family was there and of COURSE I got to hold Chloe - my 3 month old tiny, perfect little niece!

I was suffering from PMS so I wasn't quite myself...emotional mostly and when I held wee Chloe in my arms...YIKES...the clock went from a quiet little 'tic tic tic' to a 9 O'Clock gun BOOM! Later that day I went out wtih Mattias and was a bit sullen...the realization that yes...I really really want to have kids one day was weighing very heavy on my mind. I was, afterall, dating a guy who has five kids already.

Ok...so naturally Mattias asked me what was keeping me so quiet and I told him. I laid all my cards out on the table. Yes, I want to have a baby some day. The problem with this statement is that although I know I would like to have a baby...I KNOW that I don't want to have one right now but what I am thinking is in the next 5 years. I'm turning 32 this year and as much as people tell me that having babies at 40yrs old is not that big of a deal, I know that for myself, I would love to have a baby before the age of 37. That gives me just over 5 years to be in a relationship that is loving and supportive and all the things that I want to be there in a relationship in order to HAVE a baby..and well...it doesn't seem like that much time to me.

So Mattias took it all in stride and said that he's not saying NO but he's not saying YES to actually the idea of WANTING more kids. Ok...I could accept that. We are still building OUR relationship.

Fast forward one month. Yesterday Mattias & I had a talk. Though he couched the terms in "still not made up my mind" the fact that it's been ON his mind since we spoke in AUG has sent some warning bells off for me. He kept saying things like "IF only I met you 12 years ago" and "I'm in the home stretch...I have 11 more years until the Twins are adults".

I am really strugging with this. This would be a deal breaker for me. I WANT to have a baby. If he never waivers from the fence...I don't think I can give up my dream of having a family.

There is, of course, the argument that he has 5 children and IF Mattias and I stay together than I will have a large family even if none of the kids are my own. This sounds nice and all very Hallmark movie of the week...but let's face it people. I can be a very selfish woman and in this, I am not willing to make that sacrifice.

It's interesting this has come up actually because there is a lot of baby talk and talk about raising children going on in my life. I feel like this is the universe asking me some tough questions to see if I am actually UP for the challenge.

It's not just about genetics. It's about the whole experience. Being pregnant...feeling the child grow inside me, pushing it out into the world, raising a child that is half my dna, being a hockey mum (oh come on...you KNOW that a child of mine will be playing hockey!).

I can't help but think...how long do I continue to date Mattias and get even closer to him only to find out 5 years down the road that my dreams of having a child are over? I don't know what to do!

I'm really torn...I love haning out with Mattias...he's hillarious and we do a lot of fun things togeher - have you noticed I've been quiet on here? It's mostly due to the fact that I'm often OUT having a life and having fun and many of my nights are spent with Mattias.

Maybe what I can do is break up with Mattias now and try to get over him and then suddenly when I'm not looking again someone will come along , sweep me off my feet and have a family.

This is NOT a discussion I wanted to have within the first 6 months of dating anyone. Shouldn't this sort of thing just happen naturally?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Umm...is it my imagination

or have I suddenly dropped off the face of the world again???

I've had two blissfully distracted weeks off from work and I pretty much didn't do too much.

I've been having 'supervised' babysitting with my nephew Xander who is soooo cute I could just totally eat him up! He's 16month old and though he tries....his communication skills are just a bit rudimentary and I can't really understand a lot of what he's trying to say.

I'm practicing for when my brother and his wife go in the hospital in OCT to deliver baby #2 into the world. We are all fairly certain that she is going to have to have a C-Section so there may be a period of up to 4 or 6 days when I will have to be living at their house looking after Xander by myself.

He seems to have taken to playing with me very well and lets me feed him and change his icky diapers...it's the putting down to sleep that we seem to be having a total breakdown with. I am sure that this weekend will be much better as I will actually be ALONE with him and he'll have to choice but to go to sleep for me and he'll KNOW that his parents are NOT at home.

So then a near week spent with Mattias and his kids and the chaos that can occur when there are FIVE chillins around and yet...yet I am still convinced I want to huff and puff and squeeze one of them out of my own body...somehow.

I want to really take a look at what is going on with Mattias and I. I feel myself getting very soppy and all gooey around him and then this shadow...a ghost of a thought crosses my cerebral cortex and I wonder if I'm gooey for the right reasons.

I don't want to be that girl that falls for the guy that has the kids and wants more kids just because he has that mind set. I want to be the girl that falls for the guy who just HAPPENS to have kids.

To be honest I feel that it's really the latter and not the former. I mean...it's not my dream to fall in love with a man who lives over 70 kms away, smokes nearlhy 2 packs of ciggarettes a day and has five half grown kids.

I think I just need to let this happen. Take deep breaths and just let this happen.