Friday, January 12, 2007

To err is human, to fogive is devine

If anyone has bothered to read my last post you may have noticed that there was a comment left by 'Anonymous'.

I am always very curious about the comments left here and I want you to know that I do read each and every one of them and I always hope for one or two witty remarks left by LadyK or even the long lost TinFoiled. Even Aramous has been quiet lately though I suspect he's busy with ideas of wedded bliss (Congrats again Baby!). Carmen (nee Chloe) and V have also not put finger to keyboard on here for a while but that's all OK. It's not about quantity, it's quality.

So when I saw that I had a comment I was all a twitter and though my email advised it was from 'Anonymous' I secretly hoped it was someone NOT so anonymous.

Sooo...can you imagine my bewilderment when I received a comment suggesting I check out another blog? It went something like this:

Kwerkie "OOOOhhhh a comment! WEEEEE"

Comment "Check out www this adddress dot com"

Kwerkie: "Umm...WTF? Ok...thanks for leaving me a comment that was relevant! (sarcasm) pffft. Jerk."

I sat there for a few moments a bit annoyed that the comment was so self gratifying. Of course I KNOW that The Single Files is 100% my own trek into Egoville and I admit I revel in just how indulgent I do become, but it's not like I go around posting on random blogs suggesting they take Fergie's advice and "Check it out".

However, my curiosity got the better of me and I DID check out the web site.

So to you Christine I say 'tut tut' for being so bold as to post your blog on mine without so much as an introduction or comment about anything you may have connected with in my own writing, but I do forgive you.

I forgive you because as I read the few posts you have there I was reminded of an earlier time in The Single Files. I forgive you because of the voracity in which I read every word, how my eyes feasted on metaphors and my brain nearly over-dosed on eloquence. I forgive you because I think it was a gentle reminder to me that I will only get what I put into this, and I can't keep up the road to Dullsville much longer - it's even grating on ME.

So I retract my earlier statement of "Jerk" and instead replace it with 'Inspirer"

Thank you.

And yes...I advise anyone with a pulse to check out The Shut-In - A Novel

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Single Minded

So it's been officially 2 day, 48hrs of being absolutely for real 100% single. I haven't communicated with Mattias in any way shape or form since around noon on Sunday. I am feeling...OK.

I'm not mad or sad. I'm not blue or glum or anything really. It nearly feels like relief. I feel like I can breathe. I feel like I can focus and I think I feel fine.

I'm not talking Jame Brown "I feel Good" but more along the lines of Michael Buble "Feeling Good" Like I can start again, 'it's a new life for me, and I'm feeling good.'

I'm not actually thinking of jumping back into the proverbial sea, but I just feel like I can move forward, focus a bit more on work and on my belly dancing classes and basketball games. Baseball sign ups are in 2 months and I can't wait! 2nd base again for me!!! weeee.

So speaking about work - I know that I can't post too much about that on here as I still have a massive ego and think that Simone reads this when she's utterly bored (so yeah, probably not often if at all...but like I's my ego here). But I wanted to share a few things.

I received a Christmas Bonus! I know!!! It's nearly unheard of! My boss has NEVER given out a Christmas Bonus before...and let me just say I am closer and closer to getting out of debt!! He was quite generous! We've even hired one more person - bringing our numbers to SIX! I'm escorting 2 Disney Trips, 1 Costa Rica trip is the kicker...Germany & Austria!! Guten Tag Salzburg!!!

I have worked my ASS off this year and I've really gone well and above the call of duty for work. I think Simone would be sick knowing how many International groups we have on the board this year :( I hope your doing well baby, cuz it's a lot different in the office now.

Anyway...I am feeling some serious FUN TIMES coming on soon. and...NO BOYS!

Deep breath.

I think this Single thing is going to be fun for me for a change.,

Sunday, January 07, 2007

To sleep perhaps to dream

I had the most delicious dream last night. It catered to all of my fantasies of hearth and home and the most surprising part was that my counter part in my dream was Malcolm The Eye Guy - whom I haven't spoken to much in the better part of 2 years!!!

I know that Malcolm is living with his girlfriend and I hope that he is happy and that all is going well for him. Besides all that, despite my interest in him initially, I had no indication from him (or at least no CLEAR indication) that he was interested in me. I do miss our banter though, he always could make me smile at the smallest of things.

I believe that I dreamed about him because something he said to me about a month or so ago has really stuck in my brain.

We were talking about relationships (having just found out that he has a live in girl friend) and I said that I was single (that was the first break up with Mattias). We talked a bit about the concept of marriage and I said that I wasn't sure I could be with someone for years on end as I get bored easily.

Then Malcolm said something very profound that I have not been able to shake. I can't remember the exact wording he used but here was the gist of it. He said that perhaps the reason I am single is that I look at my partner as someone I have to constantly entertain and be entertained by, and that a relationship isn't really like that.

I haven't been able to get this off my mind for long and I think it is a large part of my hemming and hawing over Mattias.

The comfort level with Mattias is huge. We are such great friends that it seems like an odd thing to do to cut myself off from such a confidant, and from someone who shares my humour and who never offends me when he tells me to get my head out of my ass.

However, my dream last night was all about "the ideal". It was a sort of dream that made me really think about what I really want and what I am really doing to get it. Everything in there was what I actually want in a healthy happy relationship. I won't go into the details because a small part of me thinks that perhaps Malcolm The Eye Guy still reads The Single Files once in a blue moon and I don't want him to wig out and wonder if I'm going to stalk him or anything like that.

Let's just say when I woke up I had a big cat stretch, sent Malcolm a huge mental hug and sent him all sorts of happy thoughts and then I felt the need to post. The oddest thing happened too! I haven't seen Malcolm log in to MSN for a while and as I'm typing all this up...he logs in! I tried to say Happy New Year and all that but he didn't respond. Ah well. I do hope that he is well and happy.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

New Year, New Beginnings, New New New!

Well 2007 entered in an unusual way but I have to say, so far I'm keeping all my New Year's resolutions!

I am going to be a bit more free, a bit more open. Oh I know what you are thinking - if I was any more open I'd be inside out! Still, I feel that since I have countless people I actually KNOW reading The Single Files I have been quite a bit guarded with my reports and post less and less for fear of the backlash.

Well guess what? The whole reason I STARTED this thing was to use it as a sort of therapy, to get a new perspective on my love life and to really just entertain myself with the hope of entertaining others as well.

Soooo. Here it is!

Mattias and I continue to do our unique dance of special torture. Soon this will all end. I guess the third time will have to be the charm with this one and I will be stronger...I will just refuse to take his calls. He has a way of talking me right out of my decisions. I have discovered quite to my surprise that he preys on my weakest points and then I end up thinking "I can't do better" which is RIDICULOUS.

He's not divorced from his first wife whom he's been separated from for 15 YEARS! It's been very silly of me to accept any sort of excuse for this. He refuses to get his shit together to work out an decent way to figure out the care of his other 4 kids by his ex of now 2 years. This is not healthy for me. This is just not what I want.

I am happy to say that I will be heading to Calgary for a weekend of wild and debaucherous fun! LadyK is having a birthday and I am going to use my Christmas Bonus to go to Calgary, visit with her and make sure she celebrates in style! I will have to do a bit more research on where to party but I am VERY excited to be seeing her!

I plan on being absolutely care free in Calgary! What ever happens will happen...I am not going to close myself off to anything. We're going to drink some wine, dance a lot and hopefully there will be a cowboy or two in the wings.