Wednesday, December 08, 2010

EPIC proportions....or reasonable facsimile thereof

I've said it before and I'll say it again....ALBATROSS!!

This blog plagues me, hounds me, delights me, astounds me. I have such a love-hate relationship with The Single just baffles me. I waffle from wanting to blow this whole thing up to wanting to make some serious time to devote to it and turn this into some sort of magic money making display of narcissism.

I have successfully moved to Vancouver (well..Langley) and that's been going really well for me! I am so close to school now I can taste it! In just 7 more business days I get to quit and watch my boss's head explode. My fervent hope is that he TOTALLY loses his nut and doesn't want me to finish out my 2 weeks notice so that I get paid for having a holiday before school starts. I can's not likely going to happen the way I want it to but I am prepared to work the last 12 days anyway. He did already mention that the office is closed on the 24 and 27 of DEC so he can't really expect me to come in on those 'closed' days....can he? I don't think so.

I've met a fantastic man and things seem to be going OK there. There's only one MAJOR problem. It's a Jordan 2.0. Will (as I shall name him) can not orgasm during sex. Says it's "normal" for him.'s NOT normal. It's in no fucking way normal.


I am not really prepared or well equipped to deal with this sexual dysfunction. Will doesn't think this is an issue. He thinks it's going to sort itself out. He says he takes MONTHS to reach orgasm with a new partner and it takes him over an hour to reach orgasm on his own through masturbation. HOW CAN THIS BE NORMAL?? Just because he's had this all his life doesn't mean there isn't some sort of vascular disorder going on. He has NEVER even mentioned this to a DR. Will is far too concerned with me and MY orgasm which at this point is pretty ridiculous as I can pretty much get myself off within 15 minutes of naked fun time with Will. I believe that this is a 2 fold problem - physical and mental. Will is too much in his head, he needs to just enjoy the moments and the ride and let himself go.

What is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning here? What is the Universe trying to teach me?? Will is a wonderful man, he's caring, he's smart, he's a bit of a wimp in some ways and I'm not being mean when I say he's definitely the "girl" in our relationship. He's much more sensitive than I am. He's much more shy than I am - though I suppose it's such an unfair comparison considering I can barely comprehend the concept of shyness. There are a myriad of reasons why I really do care for Will. This sex issue though is a huge hurdle for me and he seems to think I should be OK with it. That I have to have patience with him and it will magically clear itself up with him reaching orgasm about once every 12 times we have sex...which was the record he had with his last lover.

I am just flabbergasted that I could have met TWO men in the same year who suffer from the EXACT same physical affliction. Having said that they couldn't be more opposite from each other personality wise.

Oh..PS. I'm a bit PMSY and bitchy today and I know it's coming out in my writing. I'm writing when I'm frustrated too so that's not helping the tone of this at all.

I feel like I need to be keeping this up in some way. I need to get into a habit and a ritual and some sort of routine! School will start in January and I'm sure I'll just naturally fall into that.

Enough for now. More soon (ish).

Friday, July 30, 2010

Talking the Talk AND walking the walk

Am I at risk of getting laryngitis AND blisters?

Last night my Stampede Booty call texted me after a week of being non-communicato. We were to have plans on the Tuesday when I got back from Vancouver but after not hearing from him I sent him a text asking if he forgot about me. He called about an hour later and I let it go to voice mail. He left some bullshit message about his grandpa being sick/dying etc. I didn't respond.

I deleted him from my phone and carried on with life. So last night I get a text from him and I responded by saying I didn't know who it was (true) and when I DID find out I pretty much told him I wrote him off and that if he actually wanted to woo me that actions speak louder than words. I felt good about my decision and though he 'said' he's going to come to my going away party on Saturday and PROVE to me that he's into me...I am not holding my breath nor do I actually expect him to follow through.

If I've learned one thing from Jordan it's that words are completely useless unless there are actions to back them up. I was so caught up in Jordan's ability to be verbose that I completely failed to notice that for all his pretty words there was absolutely NO actions to back them up.

So I have decided to do things just a bit differently from now on. I'm not only going to be very verbal about how I'm feeling and what I want, but I'm also going to be paying very close attention to words met with actions. Empty words are just like a trashy romance novel - sure they may get you excited but no words have ever been able to give me an orgasm or keep me warm at night or dance with me or put a ring on my finger.

So la! It is true what they say - actions DO speak louder than words and I won't accept anything less than BIG BOOMING ACTIONS!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Maybe I'm finally getting it.

I am watching some movies lately about relationships etc and though I know these are all works for fiction and they range from wildly entertaining to mildly annoying I actually think that I have learned something from these movies.

"I Love You Man" staring Jason Segel and Paul Rudd. This is a story about a guy who doesn't have any good close guy friends and as he gets engaged he realizes that he doesn't have a 'best man'. He finds Jason Segel and shenanigans occur. But here's the thing - the message is not about being best friends, it's more about being open and honest and communicating and living in the NOW.

"He's Just Not That Into You". We know what this is about, and the premise is to be more 'eyes open' when it comes to meeting people and stop thinking people are going to change and in all cases run away from the people that are not treating you well or are not what you think jives with what you want.

These are themes I'm trying to really to live right now. I'm trying to get my brain and body in shape. I think if one happens the other will follow. Living with intent is not just a mental/emotional thing, it's going to encompass much much more than that.

I'm slowly letting go of the past 7 months. I'm slowly being able to peel that away and not let it fester and risk it turning ME into a dented can of green beans! It's true that I don't trust men right now, but that won't always be the case. Right now I just need this to be alllll about me.

Is spending time with myself being selfish? Clearly not when I so desperately need to re-connect with myself and set a higher standard for relationships.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Mopey Moving Meh's

So I'm starting the moving process and it occurred to me that despite my best efforts of NOT acquiring too much 'stuff'...I HAVE! I moved to Calgary 2 years ago with a Versa load of stuff and 11 boxes of stuff shipped via Greyhound. Now of course I didn't have huge items like say a bed, dresser, desk, sofa, chaise, dining room table etc etc and I have since my move bought furnishings for 1 bedroom apartment + den...but my GOD! I have a LOT OF STUFFFFF!

It's really my clothes that are surprising. When I moved to Calgary I lost some weight so I bought some clothes. Then I gained about 30 lbs and so...I bought some clothes. Now I've lost 26lbs and guess what??? I bought some clothes! I did try to give some clothes away about 6 months ago and that worked to clear up *some* closet space but I really just need to be ruthless in this move.

I need to only keep the clothes that fit me now. Keeping bigger clothes isn't the way to go and hoping I'll shrink down to fit into something isn't healthy either.

The good news is that I haven't collected too many nicky-nacky things at all. I have minimal decorative pieces. I do, however, have 4 of Lady K's artworks and though I I know I can hang up 3 of them in my room and have them be lovely I am stumped as to where to put the Flaming Lady! Le boo! Maybe I can convince Leroy to hang it in the stairwell from the ground level to the living room level.

I wonder how many boxes of my stuff I'll end up with this move. My guess is going to be somewhere between 30 and 40.

The apartment is being shown tomorrow so I need to clean like a mad bastard tomorrow. It's the office that is the problem. I need to clean the kitchen floor too and the bathroom. Other than that I'm good to go.

Friday, July 23, 2010

The boob tube

That was what my father used to refer to TV as- the boob tube. It's more than ever appropriate on a few levels now. So much sex and far too much stupidity...boobs are everywhere!!

I admit to watching too much tv lately. I should be out with Tiernan but instead I sit and mope and watch fantasy lives live out fantasy tales. I've watched some pretty interesting shows where some lovely young nubile blond who's just absolutely picture perfect gives the 'average' woman tips on how to meet and flirt with men. During the half hour episodes this lovely young lady who is amazingly attractive simply has no problem meeting drop dead gorgeous successful men. "See!" she exclaims "It's easy!".

I wonder when there will be a show for the actual average person? The very strange "More to Love" show was all about women who had zero self esteem trying to find love with a very successful chubby man who is pretty much portrayed as the funny chubby frat boy. He picks the skinniest of the girls btw.

I'd agree to submit myself to total public scrutiny and pity and pithy and whatever else the general populace does for reality shows. I'd do it in a heart beat...but it wouldn't be a "The Bachelor/ette" type situation. It would be more along the lines of actual real life situations. I wonder why people buy into these shows when it's as far from reality as possible. No one actually dates 14 people at a time let alone have a 'date' with 4 (or more) people at the exact same time/event!

Would normal people sign up for that? I wonder. Maybe I could conduct my own experiment. I suppose the monetary reward is what makes these men and women sign up for these shows and since I can't offer that sort of thing...I wonder what the incentive would be for men to sign up for my experiment. Would they sign up based ONLY on the incentive of finding real-live-dead-crunchy-frog-leg love?

I'd need a camera crew and maybe even an editor to help with this and they'd have to be just doing it for the love of the art and reality documentaries. I'm interesting, witty and not that bad looking if I do say so myself. My life would be interesting tv - losing weight, finding love and changing careers!

I might think about this seriously. The only thing I'd be concerned about would be how much privacy could I still maintain while sharing my life? Sleeping in, spending long lazy afternoons masturbating would all be out. Even having sex with one or more of these potential men would have to be out. What else would I have to shut out just to maintain a modicum of sanity?

It's so crazy this might just work!!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I'm blaming the hormones...

I was presented with an opportunity to see Jordan tonight in a social situation. I declined. I was so happy for the forewarning though because I would have lost my nut if I showed up and he was there.

When I found out he was going to attend tonight's dinner I cried. Why am I not able to put this aside? It's been 2 months since the break up and I am still stupid hung up on this guy!!! I still feel hurt and angry and the worst of this is that I KNOW he doesn't give a shit. He has moved on...though I suppose that is an erroneous statement - he wasn't ever actually IN the relationship with me. If you're not attached there is nothing to move on from.

It just reinforces my breakup beliefs. After sex you have to do a face to face break up and you should always be respectful. It doesn't have to be a big long drawn out event but you really do need to be respectful and honest. Jordan failed on all these points.

I know he's a douchebag. I know he's emotionally stunted, a momma's boy and likely his entire sexual dysfunction is wrapped up in his mum. He wouldn't be able to express an honest emotion if it smacked him in his face. He just did and said what he thought was expected of him instead of actually being REAL with himself and others.

I am pissed off at myself that I keep crying over him. I am getting my period tomorrow so I'm going to blame all of this on run away hormones. However, knowing myself the way I do I suspect that the hormones are only 20% of what is going on. I think Jordan was the first person I was really open and honest with and that has made me all the more attached to an idea of what COULD be rather than what actually WAS.

Oh to be a man for one day. To not give a shit how I treat women, to not let myself have any emotional attachment to anything, to fuck whomever I want and be a stud and to have 40 extra pounds and STILL be considered AVERAGE in body type.

Why in 2010 is there still SUCH a crazy double standard for men and women? Well fuck it, I'm not going to allow this.

There is a part of me that just wants to show up and to show him I'm not bothered but at the very end of the day - it doesn't matter. He's not thinking of me, he's not caring what I do or don't do and so my efforts are only counterproductive to being true to myself.

Fuck Jordan - he's not worth one more mention. Ever.

Since theres so much change...

I figured it was time to update the look of the blog. Now granted this isn't actually what I wanted but because I'm a technological peasant I prefer to work with the prefabricated blog templates. I did a bit of tweaking here and there to get it as close to OK as possible but what I'd love is if someone would take the OLD template I had (which I really liked) and meshed it a bit more with the one that I'm currently rockin'.

I think I'm going to try to post a bit more so that I don't let things fester. I have dreams of this blog actually making me a bit of money but that would require a lot of dedication and frankly...a better writing style. Lately my writing has been looser than a Texas Whorehouse Cooch! And really I guess since Nevada and Amsterdam are the well known places where prostitution is legal I should have made that quip a bit more appropriate.

Regardless- here is the new look for now. I might have some help in fiddling around with it to make it a bit easier on the eyes but for now this is what it's going to be!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

An apology

Ok, so I realize that earlier today my post was just so full of self pity that it was pretty much impossible not to choke on it. The one good thing was the "acid reflux of the heart" because honestly I DO feel like that might actually be happening to me.

My visit home this past weekend really has made me aware that ALL of my friends in Vancouver are all coupled up. They don't know any single people because *I* am that single person. It's bananas!

I've written off the young dude. We were supposed to have plans tonight but I've heard nothing from him. I finally sent him a text and he responded over an hour later with a voice mail that I believe is just absolute bullshit. I think this time I'm going to LISTEN to my little voice. I just think this guy is full of lies. I don't really have any reason to believe that but I can't help but FEEEEEL it.

I think we can all agree that I am the QUEEN of second (or more) chances but where has that left me? Single at the age of 35 with no real prospects on the horizon at the moment.

School is going to see me with my head in the books and working crazy shifts...I m not sure I'm going to have much time for any sort of romance. So I think it's got me a little scared. HOWEVER! If I can just buckle down and get myself started on my new career why CAN'T I find the love of my life and have a family later in life?

I don't even know if I CAN have kids anymore...who knows what sort of damage may have happened back when I was 22.

Anyway my little chickens, I just want to let you know that I'm very sorry for my childish pity party and bitter bettyness. I am going to start living stronger, these little negative rants that I allow do NOTHING to help me. I can't even say getting them out makes me feel better because what really happens is that I go over and over what I wrote or thought or said and I just keep those negative nelly's on repeat.

SO enough. Seriously.

I am moving in 3 weeks. This needs to be my priority.

Bitter betty once more

I'm feeling pretty bitter again. I'm not sure if this is some sort of acid reflux of the heart or just what but I keep going through these cycles of thinking every single man is an asshole.

I've been on a few 'dates' (I suppose I have to call them something) with a younger fellow and I'm just feeling totally pissy about the whole thing. He's also moving to BC, and in fact, he's going to be living about 15 minutes away from me.

I'm so mad that I never met MY person here in Calgary. I'm 35. My window is nearly closed. I am so bitter now that it even disgusts me let alone what a potential mate would think of me. I have 3 years left to meet someone to have a family and it's just so unlikely at this point you don't have to be a mathematician or a statistics major to figure that out.

I'd like to start believing in past lives so I have someone or something to blame for my total shit storm of a love life.

Fuck. This is just so pathetic.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Want vs. Need - battle royale!

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I WANT in a partner and it suddenly occurred to me that what I WANT might not actually be what I NEED. Desires and Dealbreakers...where is the line?

I WANT a man who's taller than me. Do I NEED that? no.

I WANT a man who has some chest hair. Do I NEED that? no.

I WANT a man who is an active communicator. Do I NEED that? YES

I WANT a man who is a caring and adventurous lover. Do I NEED that? YES
(Oh c'mon! You know my theory!! Good sex will never save a relationship but bad sex will kill it! Just ask Jordan for proof of that!).

I WANT a man who is intelligent and willing to stick up for his beliefs/principles. Do I NEED that? YES.

In relationships from my past I see a lot of compromising on my part. I look past what I actually NEED because I think the men are capable of becoming the men I WANT. I think I've said this many times but men will never change - women won't either. It's not that people aren't capable of growth and's just that so very very few of us actually DO alter our behaviours. Why would we have to in this modern age of dating?? There is another person in the next profile who might/will put up with our behaviours. There is very little incentive to change when your next relationship is just one click of the mouse away.

I turned down sex last night. I knew it was going to be pretty good sex too just by the way he leaned in to kiss me. Hands in my hair, pulling me gently to him, lips just barely touching at first, breathing in, really being in the moment...letting lips and tongues gently explore and then someone groaned (it might have been me)and we gave passion the reigns for a moment or two. And yet...I said no to him coming over and doing all sorts of delightful things to my body.

Did I WANT to have sex? Oh yeah!! But I just knew in my heart that it wasn't what I NEEDED right now.

I am looking forward to moving back home with a fervour that is pretty much incomparable. The support of my friends and family are going to mean a lot to me as I head into school and try to balance school, study, work and life.

I am really going to have to evaluate my WANTS vs NEEDS in the next 3 years. I will be poor and I will need to make very careful choices. This pretty much means giving up alcohol - which is going to be FABULOUS for my waist line ;) I also need to really prioritize my life. School is going to be THE MOST IMPORTANT THING in my life. I really WANT and NEED to do well. This is all part of my journey towards my greater goal for the H3 project.

I am feeling calm. I am ready for this. I will succeed!

Monday, July 05, 2010

Once more for posterity's sake's been a while since I've updated you on what is happening with me. A few good an a few bad things to be completely honest.

I FINALLY broke up with Jordan. What I mean by that is that *I* finally got it...and I got to say some pretty profound things to him that I really should have said ages ago. My friend card is full...I don't need to maintain a friendship with Jordan because what I was really doing was trying to disguise my friendship with him as a futile hope to get back together. of 2 weeks ago we are DONE! I still think about him but it's never in a longing's more of a "boy I should have paid attention to THIS behaviour". I think it's like when I used to make up rhymes or other mnemonic devices to help me learn concepts in school.

I've let my health slide a bit but am back on track with diet if not a lot of exercise so that feels good. I really do need to keep my drinking in check though...I feel like I'm just drinking far far far too much. Chrissy brought up the fact that she though she was turning into too much of a lush and it made me evaluate my drinking too. This weekend I was tipsy on Friday and totally smashed on Saturday. I'm 35...maybe I should start acting more like that instead of a 21 year old.

I wonder if this is my way of holding onto my slipping youth, or maybe my drinking is the salve I'm putting on the wound that is my singleness. Whatever it is...I intend to stop with the soon as I move back to Vancouver.

So that is it my little chickens -the date for the BIG MOVE is set. 13AUG I pick up the Uhaul and 14AUG I drive back with all my worldly goods and move in with Leroy and get things sorted out for school. I am just hoping beyond hope that Leroy doesn't change his mind (again) about me moving in with him. I really need for this to work out - I haven't lived with a roommate for YEARS!!!! I am a bit worried about how this is all going to work but I think that as long as we're both respectful and considerate and honest then we'll be OK. I do think it will be ideal for both of us. I will learn how to budget and to be cleaner and he will be a bit more social and accountable.

Having said that...I am still pursuing the co-op housing situation as a back up plan.

I am both excited and scared. I am also a bit sad to be leaving Chrissy here in Calgary as I've grown quite close to her and will miss the bejeebus out of her!

This is what I want to do...get my RMT license so I can at long last open the H3 project by the time I'm 40. If I'm not going to have a husband and a family of my own then I want to focus on my actual dreams and what I want to have as my legacy.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Ask and ye shall receive

I've been going to bed lately asking for sleep but most importantly for peace. For peace of mind and peace in my heart. The crazy emotional roller coaster I've been riding for a month now has pretty much been making me sick.

I talked once more to Jordan and believe it or was a good conversation and I went to bed feeling like this IS getting easier/better/healed. Maybe because it was just an enjoyable conversation or maybe it's because I have made my decision about school and moving back to Vancouver and I am pursuing my dreams...FINALLY.

When asked the usual question "what else do you know" I had a LOT to say. It felt great to be able to tell him that in 4 weeks there has been a lot of change and a lot of progress and it's making me feel like I can get my life moving in exactly the direction I want.

So I've been asking for peace and I feel like at long last I have some. Peace of mind that my decision to go back to school is in fact the right one. Peace that taking the move and working until DEC is also the right one. But most of all I am finding peace in my heart with the fact that my relationship with Jordan is over.

Despite never having reached the full potential that I thought was there I am slowly being able to let it go. The "what might have been's" really can not have any place in my life. I must focus on what is happening now and how I want to run my professional life. I can't tinker around with boys and most especially boys who have not yet become men despite ageing close to their 40's.

I have also noticed that I tend to date 38yr olds and they all seem to be broken. Maybe it's will be wiser to date slightly younger men when my schooling is finished.

Thursday, June 10, 2010


So no sooner do I post my letter I will never send and delete Jordan from my phone and facebook...he fucking texts me. We talked. I can't believe the tornado of emotions I am experiencing. I love him I hate him I want to erase the entire 6 months we were together and I wish we never broke up.

I need something to soothe me. I need to cry cry cry cry until my tears just wash away all the hurt and anger. I wonder when these feelings will just END.

This is a letter I will never send

Dear Jordan - Please fuck off.'s occurred to me that we're probably not going to actually BE friends...are we? At least not the sort that actually call each other to see what is new and to write to keep in touch so it just seems strange to pretend that we will be.

You waited until you knew I was back in Calgary to text me about your Mum and I guess the only reason I wanted to see your Mum was because there was a small part of me that wished things were a bit different.

In the last few weeks I have examined our relationship and I have come to the following conclusion -you were never really IN it. I carried it the whole way and I suppose it was just convenient for you to ride along. I think this is why you were not able to have an orgasm - you weren't connected to me emotionally at all.

Looking back there were several signs which I just ignored because I liked you, but in hind sight were glaring examples that you were not at all interested in me. This is why the sex was such a failure for you, without being remotely emotionally connected to me it was all futile. I'm not even certain that I am the first woman you've had this issue with. Prior to our first 'date' in Dec you asked me "What if the sex is oogey" to which I replied as long as we had open communication and were willing to work on it we would be fine. never did have that open communication or willingness to work on it.

Valentine's Day - we specifically had a conversation about what would be lovely for Valentine's Day without bowing to the consumer pressure but rather celebrating the spirit of romance. And despite me telling you how simple it would be to put a smile on my face all you could do was nothing...and then bitterly argue the consumerism point to defend yourself for your complete lack of interest in being romantic with me.

Easter - you disappeared for a week after my friends were here and claimed you needed your space because they were too white/pasty and that no one met your standards of intelligence or success. A week where you didn't care to call or see me or to even grow a pair of balls to end it. I made endless excuses for you saying you were a loner, you weren't used to being in a relationship, you were scared of how fast things seemed to be going between us.

I should have pulled the plug so many times and I was just hoping that one day you would see me the way I saw you.

The worst of it was the way you behaved towards me on that Saturday - as if I meant nothing to you. Sadly I never knew how true that was until I sat back and really looked at everything.

What makes me so angry is that you KNEW! You KNEW you weren't into me and you KNEW this was nothing and yet you CONTINUED to see me and let me believe all was not just OK...but wonderful. How is it that you were OK with being so selfish and hurtful? How could you not know that letting me go when you realized you weren't into me would be better for both of us?

How is it that at 38 you are not yet a man? When do you think you'll grow up?

I feel badly for the women you will meet next and I can only hope that they have the good sense to see the signs earlier and do the right thing, the thing that you could not do- end things with grace and courtesy and honesty.

The good news is that your sexual dysfunction will haunt you until you are ready to deal with your emotional paralysis. So your choices are to continue to excuse your emotional immaturity on your search for Truth and Justice in face of the scary New World Order...or you can face your past and fears and finally deal with them.

I suspect you will be a confirmed bachelor...after all, you never ever do what you don't want to do- not ever- including being brave enough to break up with someone face to face, to be honest with your feelings and to take responsibility for your actions and orgasms.

I'm trying to let go of the anger I have towards you...and I'm sure that it will leave in time -but for now Jordan...I just want you to Fuck Off. I've deleted you from my life and that feels like a good step in the right direction for me.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

On dented cans of green beans, mystery meat and a grocery list of change

So I've been thinking a while about the types of men I have been dating in the last 6 or 7 years. I've been thinking a LOT about it lately and it's taken up quite a bit of my spare time and even quite a bit of the time I don't have to spare.

I have realized that I keep dating guys who seem to have a dark and twisty side to them and who have been through something quite profound in their past that leave them the dented cans of green beans that I picked up off the shelf. After a quick review the incidents are: parental issues (Ronan and Jordan), relationships that ended disastrously (Don, Robert, and Jordan) and men who for whatever reason can't seem to TRUST anyone (Miguel and Jordan). Have you noticed anything?? I have. Jordan is in ALL THREE CATEGORIES!!!


Having said that I just seem to be drawn to wordy guys who seem to be too far into their heads and too far disconnected from their hearts.

I am wondering if this is a sort of 'opposites attract' factor. I am often far too in my heart and not enough in my head. I struggle to make decisions and I give 2nd and 3rd and sometimes even 5th chances!!! It isn't a bad thing for my capacity to love and forgive and to be so genuine in my is, however, not acceptable when I allow these qualities to become excuses for men treating me poorly.

There comes a time when everyone must grow up - not just mentally but also emotionally. Well my little chickens...the time is now for me.

I am about to embark on the greatest risk and change I have ever made in my life. I have spent 3 sleepless weeks struggling with what to do and all the time worrying if a move back home would lessen my chances of finding my mate. Well...fuck it.

Fuck men and fuck relationships and most of all fuck all the 'what if's'! This has to end at some point...there has to be a time when *I* live for the NOW! For what I know that I can do to take care of ME and to not just live for NOW but to live for LIFE and to make the decision and realization that the only person who is going to be looking out for ME and MY future is ME. There is no one else.

Dented cans of green beans are only going to keep me down and keep me wondering why I can't seem to see the quality good but only pick up the damaged ones. Dented cans of green beans can't see past their own hurts to embrace life and more importantly to embrace the life and joy that I exude.

So I've decided to stop shopping for a while, I am not even going to be heading down to the local corner shop for some instant gratification.

Side Note...I might have picked up a lil' somethin' somethin' earlier this week that left me satisfied and my sexual self confidence back on top! I have no idea if he is a dented can of green beans or not we didn't exactly get into anything deep that wasn't physically related ;)

So here it is - a decision to move back, a decision to go back to school and though I'm risking some 50K worth of debt I am also feeling pretty good that the schooling is getting me closer and closer to my dream of having a holistic place of work and really working with my passion of healing.

Am I scared...oh yeah. Am I excited...definitely. There is an entire grocery list of things I need to do to make all of this happen - including figure out if I'm going to be laid off from work or if I have to take the move back and work for a year or if I have to quit :( A LOT of decisions still to go through and a LOT of items I need to put ON the list and then scratch OFF the list.

I've had a great adventure here in Calgary and I think I've really learned a LOT about myself and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I keep getting put into positions where I start towards my goal and then I take steps backwards. I am now determined to walk firmly, strongly and purposefully towards my dreams of the H3 project and I refuse to let dented cans of green beans get in my way.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Emotional Napalm

I can't decide if being an emotional person is one of my best qualities or one of my very worst qualities.

I was feeling like I was moving on - feeling like I was in control of the whole Jordan breaking my heart thing and then I saw him this past Tuesday. An effort on his part to be brave and give me closure and maybe figure out a way to slide this into the friend zone.

Well my little was awful. I can't figure out what I am right now...hurt or angry? A good dose of both I suppose which makes for one minute of crying by the next minute of wanting to punch everything.

I keep going over and over things that were said both on Tuesday and in the last few weeks of our relationship. Here are the things that repeat in my ears - trapping me in my agony.

3 weeks ago Jordan had eye surgery and I stayed to look after him and entertain him. We had a great night full of sex - now he still didn't reach orgasm but it was playful and fun and with him writhing under my touch and moaning etc etc I was feeling pretty good about the pleasure he was receiving. Now...switch to Tuesday when he said that I never tried to please him sexually. WTF???

I guess giving head, touching, caressing, having sex, stripping, dancing, doing ALL of the sort of normal sexual things in a relationship was me NOT trying to please him sexually. What did he need from me??? I would ask him "Show me how to touch you", I would ask him to actually masturbate in front of me so if only so that we could share in his orgasm instead of me giving him one myself. He refused. Said it was dirty or not nice to look at or something like that. What MORE could I have done? Did he need me to turn into his mother? a 6 year old little girl? a 14 year old boy? a man??? I am LIVID that he would even SUGGEST that I wasn't trying to please him when *I* was the ONLY one trying to do that in our experiences together.

I know what you're thinking little chickens and I KNOW I'm better off without him. For a man at the age of 38 to not be able to openly communicate his sexual needs with his partner is not the sort of man that could ever truly make me happy.

I am also pissed and hurt at the language Jordan used on Tuesday. He KNOWS I pay attention to words and I know he wasn't choosing his without care. He kept repeating that was sorry for HOW things ended between us. I think he said it 4 or 5 times on Tuesday each time with the emphasis on HOW. I knew he was trying to let me know very subtly that this wasn't him trying to come crawling back to me but rather just letting me know that he ended things poorly...but that he is glad that he did in fact end them.

*sigh* I am mostly just so angry at myself for once more getting involved with a can of dented green beans! I am getting far too old to keep putting up with immature, sexually repressed, cowardly men!!!

No one told me it was a race to meet your 'mate' in your 20's. No one told me that once you hit your 30's, but most especially your mid 30's that it's damn near IMPOSSIBLE to meet a man who hasn't let his past relationships damage him to the point where he can't figure out a good one when he sees it.

Jordan was quick to say that he couldn't live with me because he's allergic to my dog. Who was he trying to fool?? We could have worked around it - getting a place where the dog could be outside. The place I'm in is unhealthy I admit it. The dust is crazy, the heat vents blow the cat dander from upstairs right down into my apartment and the ventilation here is awful. He never even wanted to TRY.

Soon I will be over the hardest part and I will look back and realize that I was far too good for him and he never appreciated me and I'm better off without him etc etc etc. But right now, right in this moment I still have feelings for Jordan and I can't just shelve them as easily as he could shelve me.

Oh how I do envy the people who can just flip their emotional switches on and off! I wish I weren't so sensitive but that I could still feel things. My capacity for love is never anything I'm going to apologize for but I do wish I could process my feelings just a bit better so I don't feel so bombarded by them.

Monday, May 24, 2010

All is fair in love and war

I am trying to be fair. I am trying so very hard right now to NOT be mean that I'm afraid I'll fail miserably at being accurate just so that I don't come across as a total bitch. I will just try to be honest here but I have to warn you...this one hurts so the meanness is probably going to seep through the best of my intentions.

Jordan and I are done -his choice not mine, though I am coming around to the fact that we were probably never particularly well suited. I'm an open communicator, he shuts people out. I'm in touch with my feelings and he seems to be trapped in his. I'm open about my sexuality and he can't take responsibility for his own orgasm.

I am still sad and mostly angry. The end happened on the phone which I suppose is appropriate as that is how our relationship started -though I am still bristled by the fact that he was too much of a coward to actually talk to me face to face. I suppose it would have been very difficult for him to do that as he couldn't even discuss the issue that led to his calling this quits. If you can't talk to your partner about things and are in relationship apathy...then the only thing left to do is let the other person know you've already checked out.

The surprise of it all was shocking. The fact that he picked a fight with me while we (or at least I) was HAMMERED- I mean drunk beyond drunk - was ridiculous to me and really just speaks to his cowardice. Then there was the pulling away and the manipulation (AGAIN!!!!) about needing time to think if he wants this relationship or not. We're not young, we're in our mid to late 30's - this isn't rocket science and if you can't figure out after 5 months if you want to be with someone then the very least you can do is be honest and end things - not hide behind undiscussed issues and ask once more for time away to think.

I want to lash out, I want to confront him and demand that he grow a pair of balls to discuss this with me face to face but know that it's useless. The one thing I learned very well about Jordan is that he will NEVER do anything he doesn't want to do - not ever. If he doesn't want to deal with an issue - he won't. In this situation his pride is far too big for him to even acknowledge me. I suppose what hurts the most is knowing that he never did care for me at all - I really was just some girl, another in-between girl- enjoying my affection,sex, company, but not really caring about ME specifically. To him I could have been anyone. I was convenient I suppose as he met me through his friend and it seemed perhaps the thing to do, to move to Calgary and to have a girlfriend after years of being single. Maybe that should have been my first clue - single for 5 or 8 years ( I could never remember that specific detail) for a man at the age of 38 is pretty unusual and should have served as a warning flag.

Why I continue to let these things happen I just don't know. I don't seek out the In Between Girl status. I don't WANT to be just enjoyed and then put away on the shelf, I want and deserve to be pursued, cared for and loved for ME - not just because I am am convenient or have a vagina...but for ME-Kathy-specifically.

It wouldn't surprise me if Jordan decides to move back to Regina. There is no job for him here, the dirty secret of our relationship exposed to 3 people in his social circle (and he admits he can't even describe his embarrassment around that) - I would think his pride too large to endure staying in Calgary to try to make a life.

Vindictively there is a part of me that really enjoys that Chrissy knows about the issue between Jordan and I as I'm quite certain Jordan had a crush on Chrissy and now won't seek to pursue her in light of her knowing the dysfunction.

Too bitter? I suppose the rawness has yet to subside.

So I'm single once more. I am resisting the urge to just go out and pick up some random person and have meaningless sex just to make myself feel better but it's hard - especially when I have used sex as a healing measure before. Still...falling into old habits won't help me and I need to just focus on getting a new job and a new place to live and continuing to get healthy.

Happiness is just around the corner...all I have to do is be brave and face it.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

1001 Sexy Sultan Stories

Or.....maybe just 1.

I have had this idea about a Sexy Sultan's tent for about 5 years. I had an image in my mind about a hula hoop draped with sheer linens hanging from a ceiling covering a very low table, a floor filled with cushions and candles everywhere. This idea was for something romantic and lovely and sexy. I had not, until recently, ever felt like any of my lovers deserved that much awesomeness. Until Jordan.

Jordan finally came home after being away for over a month and in the week up to his arrival I had been plotting and planning and designing the Sultan's Sexy Tent for his return.

Now I took the photo before the set up was complete - but you get the idea. The whole project took me about 10hrs to complete only because I had to keep adjusting my design idea to accommodate both budget and space. Total cost for the Sultan's Sexy Tent was $60.00 and the BEST part of the whole thing is that all the components can be dismantled and used in again for a different purpose.

When Jordan finally arrived I had the whole Sultan's Sexy Tent set up and though the lights were a bit too bright it still managed to be sultry and sexy which really was the entire goal. I had prepared a Middle Eastern/Mediterranean meal which included the following: pita bread, tzazkiki, hummus sauces for appetizers, pan roasted lemon potatoes served with grilled beef and green/red pepper kababs. For dessert...baklava! We had 1 1/2 bottles of red wine over the course of our evening and ate our meal in the Sultan's Tent sharing a plate that was set on top of pillow over our legs as a table. We ate with our fingers and licked the sauces and juices from was all very delectable, delicate and delicious.

In the background I had some ambient music on and regretted not spending an evening sourcing out belly dancing music. Once we had finished our appetizers and main course I treated Jordan to a bit of a belly dance to the music that was playing. I have never in my life felt so sexy as when I was dancing for him and he was giving me words of encouragement. I was the most uninhibited I have ever been and it was such a playful evening full of sensuality that it will not soon be forgotten!

I am falling in love and I'm not even over thinking things! It's amazing. This feels like the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and in so many ways it's surprising and refreshing. I am not allowed to get away with my normal relationship garbage, he can't get away with any avoidance of topics or issues and we both have based this on mutual respect and admiration. The foundation of this is so solid that I feel comfortable building my hopes and dreams upon this. I am not worried about what I look or sound like. I am totally myself and I realize that this is either going to work out...or it's not. And there isn't much I can do about things to sway it one way or the other...I am just going to be the most awesome me I am...and things will naturally fall into place.

The best part has been waking up next to Jordan and just being quiet for a little while and snuggling up close. The happiness in these moments of silence fills me up so much I have no words to even express myself.