Monday, February 27, 2006

I'm all in Baby

As many of you have probably observed...I'm an extremist. I don't like to do things half assed...if I am going to fall for some guy, I'm going to give my whole being into it. If I'm going to jump into anything I'll just close my eyes and take the plunge. So when I get gets messy.

I have managed to clean 85% of my apartment which makes me feel like I am just starting to get back some of the control I fear I have lost. I have even went back to the gym so I feel like at least something is happening in the way of change.

I fantasize about painting my place. I also fantasize about moving to Commercial Drive. I long for the day when I am in a place that finally feels like MY HOME. Would that mean that I have to OWN my place before this happens?

My apartment is cold right now. Just temperature wize...I'm not talking about not feeling comfy in it. Truth be told this is the first place I've felt homey in for a long while. So why the fantasies about major change with it?

Maybe it's because I still haven't put up all my artwork. Maybe it's because the only things I feel I can change are the physical things around me. The phantom things like love, happiness just seem far away...I am focusing on the tangible right 'n home, fitness etc.

I am searchingn for comfort in physical things but resisting the urge to comfort myself with food. I did have lentil soup for dinner though...that helped. Lentils are yummy...and I won't hear a bad thing about them. I believe they are good for me and as they were covered in saucy goodness with hints of cilantro...I think that the soup was a better choice than cream or those tiny fabulous easter egg candy thingies.

I'm sure you are wondering why I'm not seeking comfort in Bentley's arms or bed. The answer is simple...I need to be accountable for my own happiness and I am learning to self soothe. Besides...the endorphins can only last for so long and soon after cuming I think about going. (back inside my cave)

I do care about Bentely and I dont' wish to hurt his feelings etc. I think I am just not emotionally that available to anyone...not even to myself. I have had the past 4 days to myself and I got a lot of thinking done, a lot of cleaning done and a lot of catching up with me done. I have enjoyed it.

I still talk to Bentley and enjoy that dont' get me wrong. I just don't think it's fair to him to keep him in Limbo as it were. I can't commit and I won't go backwards. I am guessing then that the only way to feel good about this is to tell him that I just can't.

Maybe I was fooling myself in January thinking that I had all my ducks in a row after my relationship with Ronan went so sour.

I guess I really DO need to keep that promise I made to myself. I DO need to be Kwerkie Alone.

I read Lady K's site the other day and her posting about Querky Alone Day and about Violetta marrying herself. I loved that post. I went to Violetta's site and I think I read it about 10 times.

I might just marry me if I'm lucky!

Sunday, February 05, 2006

What is enough?

For the last few weeks...probably closer to a month or more if I really think about it...I have been feeling less than enough.

I have entered the Winter of my funk and I can't seem to shake it. I've tried eating salads...these always seem to lighten my moods...but frankly my forage into foilage was not doing it. I have tried having a lot of sex, and despite it being very satisfying, I can't get out of this funk! Sadly even though Bentley is going is not pulling me up.

If love is not enough and sex is not enough and salads aren't doing any tricks...what the hell is wrong with me?

I'm leaving tomorrow on a work trip and I can't be arsed to do ANYTHING to get ready for it. I can't look at my clothes ridden floor to find anything suitable to wear. I am going to the Happiest Place On Earth...yes...Disnayland and I just want to cave. That's heard me...CAVE.

I need a week off of life. No work, no people, nothing. I just want to hide in my cave and maybe cry a bit...or maybe just eat leafy greens or maybe I'll just hole up at the gym and DEAL with the weight that I'm packing on.


Three Weeks Later....

I STILL can't shake this thing. I've been sick, seemed to be getting better and then sick again. I have had the worst sinus infection cold thingy ever! I don't tend to get sinus colds...I don't think I want to ever again! It was awful to fly with being all stuffed up. I thought my forehead was going to explode!

I'm still dating Bentley though I suspect that I will end it soon. Nothing I am doing seems right so I think I just need to NOT do some things.

I have spent most of my day doing laundry. It's a Saturday so the laundry room wasn't too busy and I even left one washer available for my neighbour. It has taken me 5 hrs to do 6 loads of laundry. I think I have washed everything that I own. Well...not everything as I still have a blanket and 1 sheet left to wash but I'll save that for next week.

I have also cleaned my kitchen and my bedroom. I feel miles better for doing this though I still have a lot of cleaning left to do. I really need to sweep, vaccuume and mop. PLUS I need to clean the bathroom. I think those will fill my day tomorrow.

Tonight I'm just gonna chill out. My next door neighbour has invited me for drinks and a movie. He is really cool and we have a lot in common. Both of us are going through weirdo times right now.

In all my funk what is MOST surprising to me is this. I can't stop thinking about Nelson. I's so silly! It's been 2 years and I am still just as wiggy about hin as I was the day we broke up. I wish I could just get over it. We weren't together for very long and he wasn't very open or honest with WHY am I still hung up on him??

I think about Ronan too. Mostly wonder how he's doing and wishing him the best. I am sad things didn't work between he and I but I couldn't compromise anymore of myself. I had lost myself...I still don't feel very 'found'.

With Bentley things are...well...they just are. I feel apatheti mostly. I'm not feeling anything, I'm not excited to see him, I'm not unhappy to see him...I do have a good time with him...but I am just not feeling the OOOOMPH.

I guess I just need to take some time and figure this stuff out.