Wednesday, July 27, 2005

what's goin' on.

*sigh* I feel pretty unsettled lately.

For a while I've been feeling like Ronan isn't really into this anymore. I feel like he's really taking me for granted, that he's not willing to woo me anymore and that he really doesn't think of me too much unless I'm there...and sometimes not even that.

I've tried to talk to him about this but to no avail. I get the impression more and more that he's just hanging on until I pay him back the $$ for the kayaks and camping so that he makes sure he gets his money back. What he doesn't know is that I'd still pay him back even if we ended things...cuz that's the kind of gal I am.

I had a great girly night with Lady K last night. We had sooo much fun!!! At one point we were walking along Denman St, some guy in a car totally scoped me out (nice ego boost) and waved to me, so I waved back (actually thinking he was someone I had met before that lives in my neighbourhood) He was smiling and I was smiling and then Lady K and I went into a store. End of story right? Nope.

Mr. Car Scoper pulled over, parked, crossed the street, came into the store asked me for my ph# so that he could take me out for lunch or dinner some time.

Now I have to be very clear here. This guy was tall, dark and handsome. He had a nice smile. I was very flattered...but I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me! I was sooo embarrased! I of course had to tell him that I wasn't single and that I was flattered but couldn't accept his offer. What I *should* have said was some sort of compliment on his bravery and boldness. But I didn't - I was too wrapped up in my own feelings to think about what sort of courage it took for him to do all that just to ask for my phone #.

Here's what I was thinking all night. I was thinking "I bet Ronan wouldn't have ever pulled over to meet me. In fact, he wouldn't pull over now to say hi if we happened to cross paths unexpectedly during our work day. Not that that is ever likely to happen - our paths crossing like that....but that isn't the point. The point is that he does nothing now to show me that he cares for me. Nothing.

I'm the one that initiates sex. I'm the one that initiates *ANY* sort of physical affection. I'm the one that is free with the compliments or terms of endearments. He would rather watch baseball on TV than spend time talking with me. He finds it a major hassel to come downtown to see me and when he does spend the night at my place he is careful not to leave too many of his belongings at my place. However...if I take anything of mine away from his place he gets very pouty.

I would say that for our 6 months of being together, that we are not a very intimate couple. I still don't know much about his childhood and he's made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to hear anything about my past that might involve another man. I feel like I have to edit so much of my life. My stories read more like CIA documents where all the really interesting bits are all blacked out so as not to give away any "secrets".

He calls me by my last name now. Gone are the days when he'd call me up and say "Hello Gorgeous" and gone are the days when he called me "Sweetes". Now I am last-named at every opportunity and feel more like his buddy rather than his lover. When I mention this to him he says I'm being silly.

Someone once told me to judge a man by his actions and not his words. Ronan's words lack the actions to back them up.

This sucks so much because I actually love him. This hurts and it is awful and I have no idea iff it can be fixed.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Winds of Change

Just when I thought that things were pretty bad between us...Ronan manages to confirm that in a whopping display of indifference.

I have been offered an opportunity to open my own office in Calgary...the catch is that this would all have to happen in the next few months. In boss has it in mind that he office be set up as early as mid October...just in time for my 31st Birthday and a huge trade show in Red Deer. That would be the perfect opportunity to really grab potential clients from our already huge client base in Alberta.

I didn't want to spoil Ronan's birthday with this news but it leaked out this morning on the drive into work. His reaction spoke more than any words. He's excited for me. Happy that I have this opportunity. But don't expect him to leave his good paying job to come with me. So that's it. He's completely willing to let me go.

Last month a job opportunity came up for Calgary. He was thinking about it for a long time, got excited about it and has made no bones about wanting to move back to Calgary ASAP. He loves the Vancouver lifestyle but hates it's expense...the tax, the bad drivers etc etc. He complains CONSTANTLY about how expensive things are here and I admit that he seems to be pretty racist about the drivers here. He ended up not applying for the job as he realized that it was just the moving back to Calgary that got him excited about it and not the job itself.

Someone once told me that I should judge a man by his actions and not his words.

Last night Ronan told me that I meant the world to him. That he loves me more than anything. This morning we made mad passionate love to each other and all seemed well.

This morning with the news of my possible (and let's be clear here...nothing is written in stone and my boss can be rather fickle) move to Calgary his actions can only be described as indifferent.

If he does love me more than anything and I do mean the world to him...than the FIRST thing he should have said was that we'll work this out. That somehow we can figure something out. But instead he basically told me that he won't leave his good paying job here for nothing in Calgary and that as I can't support him he'll stay here.

What bothered me the most was that the news didn't even seem to upset him in any way. He was relaxed and neutral. How can I be the love of his life as he claims and he not be even moved in any way that I could be living 12hrs away.

Too bad I didn't wait until after his Birthday as I think that tomorrow's celebration will lack some level of fun. It will be hard for me to be all smiley knowing that it doesn't (or is it that I don't? ) matter to him all that much.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Breaking the Silence.

Ok...I know that I have been on the quiet side for a while now...well here I am....back from the abyss.

Things have been a bit on the turbulent side between Ronan and myself. I'm not sure how it happened...but I do know that it began the weekend of Corinna's wedding. I'm not sure what happened to be honest. Perhaps the honeymoon stage of our initial dating is over and now as we relax more and more into each other and our routine we seem to forget that wooing is still important.

I don't think I am too high maintenance as a girlfriend. I do know that I have a fairly high sex drive and I think that Ronan's is waning a bit. In fact...I know it is having spent the last week on vacation with him where we only fooled around 3 days out of 10. This is starting to concern me more and more. Despite me bringing this up with Ronan he feels that this is quite normal though he admits he misses the mornings when I would wake up and give him a blow job.

Well...I miss fooling around in general. I miss it when he used to reach out for me and kiss me madly and deeply. I miss him actually FOLLOWING through with his sexual banter or promises of later. Now it seems that all we do is complain about the lack of sex instead of actually having it.

How can this change if we both just talk and no one does anything? I try to initiate sex but am this makes me just not want to initiate it. Why bother wearing sexy lingerie or trying to tempt him if it is always met with "I'm tired." or "Wait until later".

Has he just lost interest in ME or sex in general?

His birthday is on Friday and I am he wants to keep things very low key. He doesn't want to celebrate with my family and in fact, doesn't want me telling anyone it's his birthday. I have no idea why that would be important to him to keep it a secret.

Last night I told him I felt sad. That I felt that I wanted this relationship more than he did. His response was that my statement hurt his feelings and that of course he wants to be with me etc etc. If this is true...I need him to show me. You know what they say...actions speak louder than words. Though on that note... I can't remember the last time he spontaneously told him he loved me - lately it's been a response to my words.

I miss the honeymoon and the kittens and puppies. How do I get them back?