Friday, August 26, 2005

What a messssss

Things don't often go as I plan. I think about things and how I'd like them to turn out and I try to work towards that...but often it just goes so pear shapped.

Ronan and I have had the largest fight of our relationship...though I use that word very loosely.

I can not keep having the same discussions with him over and over again.

I am waiting for my Mum to arrive and take me over to Ronans now where I will be collecting all of my stuff and heading back to my place to cry my eyes out.

The one thing I am focusing on right now is that Love just might not be enough.

I have been complaining about him for a while on here...and despite me talking to him about what it is I need from him to be in a happy just doesn't seem to be happening.

This might be the best for end it now and just move on. This sucks. I hate how much this hurts.

*******One week later****

OK...I have been through the emotional wringer as it were.

Ronan and I have fought, cried, yelled, swore and even said some nasty things to each other. We were both bawling like has been a very hard thing to bear.

The bottom line is this: I actually do love him very much and he loves me...we are trying very hard to make things right.

Back to kittens and long will that last?

We talked and talked and much that I think I was going to go hoarse at one point.

The racist comments - he sees those as blowing off steam and admits that they sound terrible and are mean and nasty and he doesn't know why he says them as he doesn't believe in them.

The homophobia - he admits that he doesn't know any gay people and that the thought of 2 men having sex with each other turns his stomach. I told him that he didn't have to think about the guys being physically intimate with each other but that it is more about accepting people as PEOPLE and not defining them by theis sexuality.

How strange is that concept? To judge someone based on something so private that doesn't even concern you? Odd.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

An update on stuff

*sigh* So many fabulous comments and so little backbone from myself. I don't know what makes me sicker...the fact that I am still trying to set things right with Ronan or that I have been neglecting the things that make me this blog.

I was talking with Giermo last night and I have to agree with his comments from last post that I probably don't put enough details in here to paint the picture as clear as possible.

I also happen to agree with Tinfoiled and Tracey that if we make fun of those around us and say it's not racist/homophobic or how about just plain MEAN that we are fooling ourselves. If we don't draw the line somewhere then how can we tell if we've crossed it?

Here is what I see happening with Ronan and I.

He is less and less intimate with me. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. Physically -I am not sure when it happened, but he has completely forgotten where all my buttons are. Can he really expect me to be turned on just because he's feeling horny? What ever happened to KISSING??? How about a little foreplay??

Emotionally - well...I just don't feel like we are close anymore. I think that we've gotten into this habit of spending every night with each other and it doesn't seem to mean anything anymore. I've mentioned to him that I no longer feel special to is compounded even more if we attempt to have sex and he just seems so distant from me during it. How disturbing to be in a relationship and yet feel so lonely.

This is my 2nd night away from him and I am feeling OK about it. Sure I miss him being in my bed...but I don't miss the distance I feel when in bed with him. He sleeps with his back to me more and more and has even been known to fall asleep on the couch rather than come to bed with me at 11Pm or so.

I am saddened by this whole thing. I honestly felt that Ronan and I were more than just endorphins and fermones. But without emotional intimacy that is all we have...and sometimes not even that.

I have tried talking to him about this on several occasions only to be met with lots of agreement from him and the promise of "change". Ah change...that illusive idea. How much of our personalities will have to change for us to "fit"?

There is a lot of love there between us...but I fear it is just not enough.

Don't fret my lovelies...I am fine and have not lost my laughter or ebuliance. One of my issues right now is that I am trying to figure out if I am deliberately sabotaging things...

I have yet to meet a gay person who speaks with a did that ever become a stereotype?? Most of the gay men I know and love you don't really know right away that they ARE gay. The lesbians I know are even LESS I only know 2 lesbians...still!

This post is all over the map here.

I'm tired.

Oh...on a COMPLETELY unrelated note. Lady K looks FABULOUS and has renewed my faith in my own pursuit of healthiness. Yeah Lady K!!!

Kwerkie. like that

Friday, August 05, 2005

Peace talks I've talked with Ronan.

EVERYTHING has come out. All of it. How I feel like he's not into this, how I am diappointed with the lack of sex, how he doesn't talk around my friends or family all that stuff. I also told him about the guy who approached me on Tues.

We had a MASSIVE blow out fight about it. He didn't believe that I didn't give out my ph#. He was shocked and hurt that I would flirt with another man. It was a horrible ordeal. He was so angry with me and I was so hurt that he couldn't see my side of things at all.

We talked it out on Saturday and I mentioned the concerns I have about his obvious homophobia and his outbursts while driving - usually derogatory comments about Asian drivers which come across as racist remarks more often than not.

We have agreed that we need to communicate more and better and we are trying to work things out. I am still feeling a bit uneasy and it's all to do with his homophobia to be honest.

Here is what I am thinking. I have a lot of gay friends...A LOT. I can not possibly imagine my life without these friends in it and having them over to my place and hanging out with them etc. If Ronan is sooo against them for no other reaon other than that is what he grew up inbred hatred for gay men (oh yes...he's the typical double standard man...lesbians are fabulous, gay men should be shot). ...then what sort of life is that together?

What if we actually got married and had a son that turned out to be gay? What would happen then??? I can see disaster with that.

I love him but I am really worried about this issue. We are trying to sort this out...I will keep you posted on how it goes.