Friday, July 30, 2010

Talking the Talk AND walking the walk

Am I at risk of getting laryngitis AND blisters?

Last night my Stampede Booty call texted me after a week of being non-communicato. We were to have plans on the Tuesday when I got back from Vancouver but after not hearing from him I sent him a text asking if he forgot about me. He called about an hour later and I let it go to voice mail. He left some bullshit message about his grandpa being sick/dying etc. I didn't respond.

I deleted him from my phone and carried on with life. So last night I get a text from him and I responded by saying I didn't know who it was (true) and when I DID find out I pretty much told him I wrote him off and that if he actually wanted to woo me that actions speak louder than words. I felt good about my decision and though he 'said' he's going to come to my going away party on Saturday and PROVE to me that he's into me...I am not holding my breath nor do I actually expect him to follow through.

If I've learned one thing from Jordan it's that words are completely useless unless there are actions to back them up. I was so caught up in Jordan's ability to be verbose that I completely failed to notice that for all his pretty words there was absolutely NO actions to back them up.

So I have decided to do things just a bit differently from now on. I'm not only going to be very verbal about how I'm feeling and what I want, but I'm also going to be paying very close attention to words met with actions. Empty words are just like a trashy romance novel - sure they may get you excited but no words have ever been able to give me an orgasm or keep me warm at night or dance with me or put a ring on my finger.

So la! It is true what they say - actions DO speak louder than words and I won't accept anything less than BIG BOOMING ACTIONS!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Maybe I'm finally getting it.

I am watching some movies lately about relationships etc and though I know these are all works for fiction and they range from wildly entertaining to mildly annoying I actually think that I have learned something from these movies.

"I Love You Man" staring Jason Segel and Paul Rudd. This is a story about a guy who doesn't have any good close guy friends and as he gets engaged he realizes that he doesn't have a 'best man'. He finds Jason Segel and shenanigans occur. But here's the thing - the message is not about being best friends, it's more about being open and honest and communicating and living in the NOW.

"He's Just Not That Into You". We know what this is about, and the premise is to be more 'eyes open' when it comes to meeting people and stop thinking people are going to change and in all cases run away from the people that are not treating you well or are not what you think jives with what you want.

These are themes I'm trying to really to live right now. I'm trying to get my brain and body in shape. I think if one happens the other will follow. Living with intent is not just a mental/emotional thing, it's going to encompass much much more than that.

I'm slowly letting go of the past 7 months. I'm slowly being able to peel that away and not let it fester and risk it turning ME into a dented can of green beans! It's true that I don't trust men right now, but that won't always be the case. Right now I just need this to be alllll about me.

Is spending time with myself being selfish? Clearly not when I so desperately need to re-connect with myself and set a higher standard for relationships.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Mopey Moving Meh's

So I'm starting the moving process and it occurred to me that despite my best efforts of NOT acquiring too much 'stuff'...I HAVE! I moved to Calgary 2 years ago with a Versa load of stuff and 11 boxes of stuff shipped via Greyhound. Now of course I didn't have huge items like say a bed, dresser, desk, sofa, chaise, dining room table etc etc and I have since my move bought furnishings for 1 bedroom apartment + den...but my GOD! I have a LOT OF STUFFFFF!

It's really my clothes that are surprising. When I moved to Calgary I lost some weight so I bought some clothes. Then I gained about 30 lbs and so...I bought some clothes. Now I've lost 26lbs and guess what??? I bought some clothes! I did try to give some clothes away about 6 months ago and that worked to clear up *some* closet space but I really just need to be ruthless in this move.

I need to only keep the clothes that fit me now. Keeping bigger clothes isn't the way to go and hoping I'll shrink down to fit into something isn't healthy either.

The good news is that I haven't collected too many nicky-nacky things at all. I have minimal decorative pieces. I do, however, have 4 of Lady K's artworks and though I I know I can hang up 3 of them in my room and have them be lovely I am stumped as to where to put the Flaming Lady! Le boo! Maybe I can convince Leroy to hang it in the stairwell from the ground level to the living room level.

I wonder how many boxes of my stuff I'll end up with this move. My guess is going to be somewhere between 30 and 40.

The apartment is being shown tomorrow so I need to clean like a mad bastard tomorrow. It's the office that is the problem. I need to clean the kitchen floor too and the bathroom. Other than that I'm good to go.

Friday, July 23, 2010

The boob tube

That was what my father used to refer to TV as- the boob tube. It's more than ever appropriate on a few levels now. So much sex and far too much stupidity...boobs are everywhere!!

I admit to watching too much tv lately. I should be out with Tiernan but instead I sit and mope and watch fantasy lives live out fantasy tales. I've watched some pretty interesting shows where some lovely young nubile blond who's just absolutely picture perfect gives the 'average' woman tips on how to meet and flirt with men. During the half hour episodes this lovely young lady who is amazingly attractive simply has no problem meeting drop dead gorgeous successful men. "See!" she exclaims "It's easy!".

I wonder when there will be a show for the actual average person? The very strange "More to Love" show was all about women who had zero self esteem trying to find love with a very successful chubby man who is pretty much portrayed as the funny chubby frat boy. He picks the skinniest of the girls btw.

I'd agree to submit myself to total public scrutiny and pity and pithy and whatever else the general populace does for reality shows. I'd do it in a heart beat...but it wouldn't be a "The Bachelor/ette" type situation. It would be more along the lines of actual real life situations. I wonder why people buy into these shows when it's as far from reality as possible. No one actually dates 14 people at a time let alone have a 'date' with 4 (or more) people at the exact same time/event!

Would normal people sign up for that? I wonder. Maybe I could conduct my own experiment. I suppose the monetary reward is what makes these men and women sign up for these shows and since I can't offer that sort of thing...I wonder what the incentive would be for men to sign up for my experiment. Would they sign up based ONLY on the incentive of finding real-live-dead-crunchy-frog-leg love?

I'd need a camera crew and maybe even an editor to help with this and they'd have to be just doing it for the love of the art and reality documentaries. I'm interesting, witty and not that bad looking if I do say so myself. My life would be interesting tv - losing weight, finding love and changing careers!

I might think about this seriously. The only thing I'd be concerned about would be how much privacy could I still maintain while sharing my life? Sleeping in, spending long lazy afternoons masturbating would all be out. Even having sex with one or more of these potential men would have to be out. What else would I have to shut out just to maintain a modicum of sanity?

It's so crazy this might just work!!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I'm blaming the hormones...

I was presented with an opportunity to see Jordan tonight in a social situation. I declined. I was so happy for the forewarning though because I would have lost my nut if I showed up and he was there.

When I found out he was going to attend tonight's dinner I cried. Why am I not able to put this aside? It's been 2 months since the break up and I am still stupid hung up on this guy!!! I still feel hurt and angry and the worst of this is that I KNOW he doesn't give a shit. He has moved on...though I suppose that is an erroneous statement - he wasn't ever actually IN the relationship with me. If you're not attached there is nothing to move on from.

It just reinforces my breakup beliefs. After sex you have to do a face to face break up and you should always be respectful. It doesn't have to be a big long drawn out event but you really do need to be respectful and honest. Jordan failed on all these points.

I know he's a douchebag. I know he's emotionally stunted, a momma's boy and likely his entire sexual dysfunction is wrapped up in his mum. He wouldn't be able to express an honest emotion if it smacked him in his face. He just did and said what he thought was expected of him instead of actually being REAL with himself and others.

I am pissed off at myself that I keep crying over him. I am getting my period tomorrow so I'm going to blame all of this on run away hormones. However, knowing myself the way I do I suspect that the hormones are only 20% of what is going on. I think Jordan was the first person I was really open and honest with and that has made me all the more attached to an idea of what COULD be rather than what actually WAS.

Oh to be a man for one day. To not give a shit how I treat women, to not let myself have any emotional attachment to anything, to fuck whomever I want and be a stud and to have 40 extra pounds and STILL be considered AVERAGE in body type.

Why in 2010 is there still SUCH a crazy double standard for men and women? Well fuck it, I'm not going to allow this.

There is a part of me that just wants to show up and to show him I'm not bothered but at the very end of the day - it doesn't matter. He's not thinking of me, he's not caring what I do or don't do and so my efforts are only counterproductive to being true to myself.

Fuck Jordan - he's not worth one more mention. Ever.

Since theres so much change...

I figured it was time to update the look of the blog. Now granted this isn't actually what I wanted but because I'm a technological peasant I prefer to work with the prefabricated blog templates. I did a bit of tweaking here and there to get it as close to OK as possible but what I'd love is if someone would take the OLD template I had (which I really liked) and meshed it a bit more with the one that I'm currently rockin'.

I think I'm going to try to post a bit more so that I don't let things fester. I have dreams of this blog actually making me a bit of money but that would require a lot of dedication and frankly...a better writing style. Lately my writing has been looser than a Texas Whorehouse Cooch! And really I guess since Nevada and Amsterdam are the well known places where prostitution is legal I should have made that quip a bit more appropriate.

Regardless- here is the new look for now. I might have some help in fiddling around with it to make it a bit easier on the eyes but for now this is what it's going to be!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

An apology

Ok, so I realize that earlier today my post was just so full of self pity that it was pretty much impossible not to choke on it. The one good thing was the "acid reflux of the heart" because honestly I DO feel like that might actually be happening to me.

My visit home this past weekend really has made me aware that ALL of my friends in Vancouver are all coupled up. They don't know any single people because *I* am that single person. It's bananas!

I've written off the young dude. We were supposed to have plans tonight but I've heard nothing from him. I finally sent him a text and he responded over an hour later with a voice mail that I believe is just absolute bullshit. I think this time I'm going to LISTEN to my little voice. I just think this guy is full of lies. I don't really have any reason to believe that but I can't help but FEEEEEL it.

I think we can all agree that I am the QUEEN of second (or more) chances but where has that left me? Single at the age of 35 with no real prospects on the horizon at the moment.

School is going to see me with my head in the books and working crazy shifts...I m not sure I'm going to have much time for any sort of romance. So I think it's got me a little scared. HOWEVER! If I can just buckle down and get myself started on my new career why CAN'T I find the love of my life and have a family later in life?

I don't even know if I CAN have kids anymore...who knows what sort of damage may have happened back when I was 22.

Anyway my little chickens, I just want to let you know that I'm very sorry for my childish pity party and bitter bettyness. I am going to start living stronger, these little negative rants that I allow do NOTHING to help me. I can't even say getting them out makes me feel better because what really happens is that I go over and over what I wrote or thought or said and I just keep those negative nelly's on repeat.

SO enough. Seriously.

I am moving in 3 weeks. This needs to be my priority.

Bitter betty once more

I'm feeling pretty bitter again. I'm not sure if this is some sort of acid reflux of the heart or just what but I keep going through these cycles of thinking every single man is an asshole.

I've been on a few 'dates' (I suppose I have to call them something) with a younger fellow and I'm just feeling totally pissy about the whole thing. He's also moving to BC, and in fact, he's going to be living about 15 minutes away from me.

I'm so mad that I never met MY person here in Calgary. I'm 35. My window is nearly closed. I am so bitter now that it even disgusts me let alone what a potential mate would think of me. I have 3 years left to meet someone to have a family and it's just so unlikely at this point you don't have to be a mathematician or a statistics major to figure that out.

I'd like to start believing in past lives so I have someone or something to blame for my total shit storm of a love life.

Fuck. This is just so pathetic.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Want vs. Need - battle royale!

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I WANT in a partner and it suddenly occurred to me that what I WANT might not actually be what I NEED. Desires and Dealbreakers...where is the line?

I WANT a man who's taller than me. Do I NEED that? no.

I WANT a man who has some chest hair. Do I NEED that? no.

I WANT a man who is an active communicator. Do I NEED that? YES

I WANT a man who is a caring and adventurous lover. Do I NEED that? YES
(Oh c'mon! You know my theory!! Good sex will never save a relationship but bad sex will kill it! Just ask Jordan for proof of that!).

I WANT a man who is intelligent and willing to stick up for his beliefs/principles. Do I NEED that? YES.

In relationships from my past I see a lot of compromising on my part. I look past what I actually NEED because I think the men are capable of becoming the men I WANT. I think I've said this many times but men will never change - women won't either. It's not that people aren't capable of growth and's just that so very very few of us actually DO alter our behaviours. Why would we have to in this modern age of dating?? There is another person in the next profile who might/will put up with our behaviours. There is very little incentive to change when your next relationship is just one click of the mouse away.

I turned down sex last night. I knew it was going to be pretty good sex too just by the way he leaned in to kiss me. Hands in my hair, pulling me gently to him, lips just barely touching at first, breathing in, really being in the moment...letting lips and tongues gently explore and then someone groaned (it might have been me)and we gave passion the reigns for a moment or two. And yet...I said no to him coming over and doing all sorts of delightful things to my body.

Did I WANT to have sex? Oh yeah!! But I just knew in my heart that it wasn't what I NEEDED right now.

I am looking forward to moving back home with a fervour that is pretty much incomparable. The support of my friends and family are going to mean a lot to me as I head into school and try to balance school, study, work and life.

I am really going to have to evaluate my WANTS vs NEEDS in the next 3 years. I will be poor and I will need to make very careful choices. This pretty much means giving up alcohol - which is going to be FABULOUS for my waist line ;) I also need to really prioritize my life. School is going to be THE MOST IMPORTANT THING in my life. I really WANT and NEED to do well. This is all part of my journey towards my greater goal for the H3 project.

I am feeling calm. I am ready for this. I will succeed!

Monday, July 05, 2010

Once more for posterity's sake's been a while since I've updated you on what is happening with me. A few good an a few bad things to be completely honest.

I FINALLY broke up with Jordan. What I mean by that is that *I* finally got it...and I got to say some pretty profound things to him that I really should have said ages ago. My friend card is full...I don't need to maintain a friendship with Jordan because what I was really doing was trying to disguise my friendship with him as a futile hope to get back together. of 2 weeks ago we are DONE! I still think about him but it's never in a longing's more of a "boy I should have paid attention to THIS behaviour". I think it's like when I used to make up rhymes or other mnemonic devices to help me learn concepts in school.

I've let my health slide a bit but am back on track with diet if not a lot of exercise so that feels good. I really do need to keep my drinking in check though...I feel like I'm just drinking far far far too much. Chrissy brought up the fact that she though she was turning into too much of a lush and it made me evaluate my drinking too. This weekend I was tipsy on Friday and totally smashed on Saturday. I'm 35...maybe I should start acting more like that instead of a 21 year old.

I wonder if this is my way of holding onto my slipping youth, or maybe my drinking is the salve I'm putting on the wound that is my singleness. Whatever it is...I intend to stop with the soon as I move back to Vancouver.

So that is it my little chickens -the date for the BIG MOVE is set. 13AUG I pick up the Uhaul and 14AUG I drive back with all my worldly goods and move in with Leroy and get things sorted out for school. I am just hoping beyond hope that Leroy doesn't change his mind (again) about me moving in with him. I really need for this to work out - I haven't lived with a roommate for YEARS!!!! I am a bit worried about how this is all going to work but I think that as long as we're both respectful and considerate and honest then we'll be OK. I do think it will be ideal for both of us. I will learn how to budget and to be cleaner and he will be a bit more social and accountable.

Having said that...I am still pursuing the co-op housing situation as a back up plan.

I am both excited and scared. I am also a bit sad to be leaving Chrissy here in Calgary as I've grown quite close to her and will miss the bejeebus out of her!

This is what I want to do...get my RMT license so I can at long last open the H3 project by the time I'm 40. If I'm not going to have a husband and a family of my own then I want to focus on my actual dreams and what I want to have as my legacy.