Thursday, May 27, 2010

Emotional Napalm

I can't decide if being an emotional person is one of my best qualities or one of my very worst qualities.

I was feeling like I was moving on - feeling like I was in control of the whole Jordan breaking my heart thing and then I saw him this past Tuesday. An effort on his part to be brave and give me closure and maybe figure out a way to slide this into the friend zone.

Well my little was awful. I can't figure out what I am right now...hurt or angry? A good dose of both I suppose which makes for one minute of crying by the next minute of wanting to punch everything.

I keep going over and over things that were said both on Tuesday and in the last few weeks of our relationship. Here are the things that repeat in my ears - trapping me in my agony.

3 weeks ago Jordan had eye surgery and I stayed to look after him and entertain him. We had a great night full of sex - now he still didn't reach orgasm but it was playful and fun and with him writhing under my touch and moaning etc etc I was feeling pretty good about the pleasure he was receiving. Now...switch to Tuesday when he said that I never tried to please him sexually. WTF???

I guess giving head, touching, caressing, having sex, stripping, dancing, doing ALL of the sort of normal sexual things in a relationship was me NOT trying to please him sexually. What did he need from me??? I would ask him "Show me how to touch you", I would ask him to actually masturbate in front of me so if only so that we could share in his orgasm instead of me giving him one myself. He refused. Said it was dirty or not nice to look at or something like that. What MORE could I have done? Did he need me to turn into his mother? a 6 year old little girl? a 14 year old boy? a man??? I am LIVID that he would even SUGGEST that I wasn't trying to please him when *I* was the ONLY one trying to do that in our experiences together.

I know what you're thinking little chickens and I KNOW I'm better off without him. For a man at the age of 38 to not be able to openly communicate his sexual needs with his partner is not the sort of man that could ever truly make me happy.

I am also pissed and hurt at the language Jordan used on Tuesday. He KNOWS I pay attention to words and I know he wasn't choosing his without care. He kept repeating that was sorry for HOW things ended between us. I think he said it 4 or 5 times on Tuesday each time with the emphasis on HOW. I knew he was trying to let me know very subtly that this wasn't him trying to come crawling back to me but rather just letting me know that he ended things poorly...but that he is glad that he did in fact end them.

*sigh* I am mostly just so angry at myself for once more getting involved with a can of dented green beans! I am getting far too old to keep putting up with immature, sexually repressed, cowardly men!!!

No one told me it was a race to meet your 'mate' in your 20's. No one told me that once you hit your 30's, but most especially your mid 30's that it's damn near IMPOSSIBLE to meet a man who hasn't let his past relationships damage him to the point where he can't figure out a good one when he sees it.

Jordan was quick to say that he couldn't live with me because he's allergic to my dog. Who was he trying to fool?? We could have worked around it - getting a place where the dog could be outside. The place I'm in is unhealthy I admit it. The dust is crazy, the heat vents blow the cat dander from upstairs right down into my apartment and the ventilation here is awful. He never even wanted to TRY.

Soon I will be over the hardest part and I will look back and realize that I was far too good for him and he never appreciated me and I'm better off without him etc etc etc. But right now, right in this moment I still have feelings for Jordan and I can't just shelve them as easily as he could shelve me.

Oh how I do envy the people who can just flip their emotional switches on and off! I wish I weren't so sensitive but that I could still feel things. My capacity for love is never anything I'm going to apologize for but I do wish I could process my feelings just a bit better so I don't feel so bombarded by them.

Monday, May 24, 2010

All is fair in love and war

I am trying to be fair. I am trying so very hard right now to NOT be mean that I'm afraid I'll fail miserably at being accurate just so that I don't come across as a total bitch. I will just try to be honest here but I have to warn you...this one hurts so the meanness is probably going to seep through the best of my intentions.

Jordan and I are done -his choice not mine, though I am coming around to the fact that we were probably never particularly well suited. I'm an open communicator, he shuts people out. I'm in touch with my feelings and he seems to be trapped in his. I'm open about my sexuality and he can't take responsibility for his own orgasm.

I am still sad and mostly angry. The end happened on the phone which I suppose is appropriate as that is how our relationship started -though I am still bristled by the fact that he was too much of a coward to actually talk to me face to face. I suppose it would have been very difficult for him to do that as he couldn't even discuss the issue that led to his calling this quits. If you can't talk to your partner about things and are in relationship apathy...then the only thing left to do is let the other person know you've already checked out.

The surprise of it all was shocking. The fact that he picked a fight with me while we (or at least I) was HAMMERED- I mean drunk beyond drunk - was ridiculous to me and really just speaks to his cowardice. Then there was the pulling away and the manipulation (AGAIN!!!!) about needing time to think if he wants this relationship or not. We're not young, we're in our mid to late 30's - this isn't rocket science and if you can't figure out after 5 months if you want to be with someone then the very least you can do is be honest and end things - not hide behind undiscussed issues and ask once more for time away to think.

I want to lash out, I want to confront him and demand that he grow a pair of balls to discuss this with me face to face but know that it's useless. The one thing I learned very well about Jordan is that he will NEVER do anything he doesn't want to do - not ever. If he doesn't want to deal with an issue - he won't. In this situation his pride is far too big for him to even acknowledge me. I suppose what hurts the most is knowing that he never did care for me at all - I really was just some girl, another in-between girl- enjoying my affection,sex, company, but not really caring about ME specifically. To him I could have been anyone. I was convenient I suppose as he met me through his friend and it seemed perhaps the thing to do, to move to Calgary and to have a girlfriend after years of being single. Maybe that should have been my first clue - single for 5 or 8 years ( I could never remember that specific detail) for a man at the age of 38 is pretty unusual and should have served as a warning flag.

Why I continue to let these things happen I just don't know. I don't seek out the In Between Girl status. I don't WANT to be just enjoyed and then put away on the shelf, I want and deserve to be pursued, cared for and loved for ME - not just because I am am convenient or have a vagina...but for ME-Kathy-specifically.

It wouldn't surprise me if Jordan decides to move back to Regina. There is no job for him here, the dirty secret of our relationship exposed to 3 people in his social circle (and he admits he can't even describe his embarrassment around that) - I would think his pride too large to endure staying in Calgary to try to make a life.

Vindictively there is a part of me that really enjoys that Chrissy knows about the issue between Jordan and I as I'm quite certain Jordan had a crush on Chrissy and now won't seek to pursue her in light of her knowing the dysfunction.

Too bitter? I suppose the rawness has yet to subside.

So I'm single once more. I am resisting the urge to just go out and pick up some random person and have meaningless sex just to make myself feel better but it's hard - especially when I have used sex as a healing measure before. Still...falling into old habits won't help me and I need to just focus on getting a new job and a new place to live and continuing to get healthy.

Happiness is just around the corner...all I have to do is be brave and face it.