Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Atlas - thy name is Kwerkie

I have some pretty amazing talents. Oh it's true...you know it it to be true. The thing is...just because I am really really gooood at something doesn't necessarily mean it's anything that is helpful to myself or to others.

I have a great talent for procrastination for example. This never seems to do me any great favours.

I have a mild talent for biting my tongue...today I nearly relinquished my self control to rebuke someone...but I counted to 10 and remembered that I have the ability to just let some things go.

I am feeling 49 tons of pressure and for some reason...I keep adding to the pile of ...well...STUFF that I need to do in the next 4 weeks. Some of this pressure I create all on my own with my own idea of what I think I want to have happen and how exactly I want that to happen. I have an amazing talent for expectations.

The car situation this week - this is making me feel like 'wholly crap! I'm growing up!!!" There is a certain amount of resistance to that...there is a part of me that thinks this is will just weigh me down - oh the responsibility of it all. The other part of me recognizes the amazing freedom this will give me - there is an even larger part of me that also knows how dangerous this freedom can be for me...I have an amazing talent for running away.

Let's see - this weekend I'm trying to really let go of any sort of expectation and I might try to just try some flights of fancy. I have an amazing talent for whimsy too - ask me about my brief stay in a Thai brothel!

And the move - I am excited and finally things are falling into place for this. I received the rental agreement for my place in Calgary - though I do believe it has the wrong unit number on it! YIKES. It requires another call to Stan (the landlord) to make sure that the i's I'm crossing are in fact not t's that should be dotted! (yes I'm aware they are mixed)

There is a lot of schtuff to do and I need to stop taking on the other issues both real and perceived. I need to NOT be Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders...maybe it's time to play with Eros for a while...

Monday, July 28, 2008

To sleep perchance to dream

Sooo....day 2 of the insomnia and I have to say that I'm Thankful that I haven't started to hallucinate...yet. So much on my mind lately and feeling like there is so little in my heart :( .

My 93 year old Grandma was here to visit and I saw her 2 days for about 8hrs a day and I just feel numb. I didn't cry. I didn't get excited much. I didn't even feel like I had a visit at all. I was simply in the same room. I was also pretty distracted by the monkeys (my 3 nephews and 1 niece), the constant pain in my hip and lower back and the fact that I have about 1 month to get everything organized for a Big Move and I feel like I hardly know where to begin!

I hung out with Ray on Friday night and that was pretty good for my soul. We always have very deep and emotional laded conversations about relationships and he's convinced that my move to Calgary will see me meeting some fabulous man and starting my family. We shall see. I am trying not to really think about that stuff right now as I have about 3 million loose ends to tie up here before the move - not the least of which is figuring out if I'm going to take all my belongings or just sell them all and have a fresh start there.

My biggest concern right now with the move is my Boss. I don't think he's really thought this through on how much it's going to cost him. He seems very upset that he has to pay for my desk and chair and working materials in Calgary. This seems exceedingly shortsighted of him - I don't pay for any of that stuff HERE...why would I have to pay for that THERE? Idiot. He also believes it's OK to ask me to give up my hard earned holidays to come into the office and sort this stuff out. I'm sure he's going to be SHOCKED when he realizes that it just means he's giving me MORE time off at Christmas on top of my regular holidays. Idiot.

The GOOOOOOD news about the move is that I'm going to be away from him and in control of how often he can micro manage me :) That is the beauty of telling him he can only contact me Mon-Fri 8-4AM...I can then turn off all communication devices and enforce it:) I think he believes I'll be available to him 24/7 and this is simply NOT the case. I know he wants me to be as invested as he is in the company...but until I make his wage...I am just not.

I'm going to see if I can get a few more precious moments of sleep. I've had 4 hrs so far...but it would be fabulous to grab another 30. I hope I have calming dreams.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


So it really is officially Summer in Vancouver and I am enjoying the run of gorgeous days we've had recently.

My back is out and there's a story there...but I'm not going to get into it. I just want to let it allll go. Tuesday of this past week was the first day I was able to actually stand upright...before that I was hobbling around like Igor...the only thing missing was me hissing at someone "Yessss masssster".

Yesterday after my chiropractor appointment I spent a wonderful day with just myself. Harvey called as was planned but I'm glad that he wasn't keen on seeing me - it made it easier for me to be even MORE aloof and blah-zay with him. I wonder if it even registers with him.

My date with myself included an indulgence in Thai food (yeahhhhh Noodle Box!!!) and a long walk along the beach, a completed book and some of my own words written down as well. The evening was spent as I like to spend hot summer nights - a cool glass of wine, a good book and my patio. And then some porn. A great date indeed!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Another brick in the wall

Sooo...it's been about 2 months since Rodger dumped me and there are few thoughts I wanted to share with you - the world.

This is probably the first time in my life I can actually FEEEEEEL my walls coming up. Brick my brick, emotional coping device after emotional coping device I can nearly feel my heart hardening...or maybe it's just been the excess dairy I've been eating.

So I figured the best way to get over Rodger was to get under someone else. *sigh* This is not going as well as I had planned. First off...the guy I have as my 're-bound dude' is older than me by about 13years. Normally this wouldn't bother me but I am beginning to suspect that he's an alcoholic...and so...when he spends the night at my place I repeatedly have dreams of my alcoholic father.

Harvey is kind and has a lot of lovely things to say to me...but we are really not fooling anyone. This is just sex. Good sex for sure...but it's just sex. Now with this really odd Electra factor happening I am finding that I just don't return his calls or texts nearly as quickly as I'm sure he would hope. Sometimes I don't call or text him back at all. I am aloof to him and when he asks me things about myself - I don't really answer him but use very clever deflective skills.

I am amazed that even as I am doing this strange dance of lust with Harvey...I still find myself thinking of Rodger and still hoping that he might actually come to his senses. And then...then I suddenly think...why?

I can't trust Rodger again...so the ONLY reason I would want him to come crawling back would to PURPOSELY (yes - you read that right) be MEAN to him. For some reason I want to hurt him as he hurt me...only worse and with a better vocabulary.

Why is it that I can't seem to resist contacting him only to be aloof and acerbic towards him? WHAT is the point? WHY isn't my energy being spent elsewhere? Like...yoga or working out or painting or ANYTHING but what I'm currently doing.

Even recognizing this toxic behaviour hasn't STOPPED me. I am embarrassed and yet I can't seem to stop myself and move on. I am hoping that by writing all this done I will now be able to let this go.

Let go
Have more

Oh....and I'm moving to Alberta! More news on that soon. I refuse to become a Flames fan...and I'm not sure I can be a full time country music listener...but I might just take up curling in the winter!

Sorry this is so late...

So Rodger dumped me about 2 months ago and I haven't had the bravery to tell you. It's so ridiculous I know...WHO exactly am I telling anyway? The world?? Sure. Why not.

The WORST of the WORST is ...I was really hurt...still am hurt. I have also remained his 'friend' which seems more painful to me...soon I will likely pull the plug on even that. I do believe my friend card is full.

So here was my initial reaction to Rodger's "It's not you it's me" break up.


The problem with being an emotional person is that when I have an emotion...any emotion at all....I really really feel it. I'm not that great at shutting off the switch; of pushing things to the corner and getting to them later (if at all) and it's not like I want to become some sort of Kathy3000 or anything, but wouldn't it be super great if I could just set the doubts and fears aside for a rainy day?

Of course, having said that, I DO live in Vancouver so saving *anything* for a rainy day is a dangerous venture. I'd be more likely to be consumed by the very things I wish to put off if I saved them for a rainy day.

What I have admitted to myself is that I am the common denominator in my life.

If I wish to change some of my behaviours that frustrate me -these things need to be changed from the core.

An example - my apartment seems to be in a constant state of squaller. This does not make me want to spend time in my own abode. This also does not make me want to tackle what feels (really really feels) like an impossible task of creating cleanliness and order.

My apartment reflects my life. Keep it in a state of clutter and mess and my life as a whole seems to be cluttered and messy.

Another good example is that I make some decent coin...but I have NOTHING to show for it and I am successfully playing Ostrich to my debt.

SO...enough! If I can not make myself accountable to myself NOW...when will I? On the cusp of my 40th Birthday? That hardly seems pragmatic. The time is now. The hour is at hand when I can really DO something and make positive changes at my very core.

I deserve to live in a place that makes me feel relaxed and safe. Having to walk a gauntlet just to get to the kitchen is not conducive to that. I deserve to live in a comfortable financial state without the nagging anxiety of knowing I owe this or that.

The nice thing about unexpected events that occur in your life is that you get the opportunity to look at it...really look deeply at it...and figure out ways to make positive steps for only yourself.

This week has me at the bank - please wish me fiscal luck! A car is needed by 30 June and it would be SWELL if I could get a relatively 'newish' one. I'm hoping for a green one...I like the colour green.

Also- I wanted to say something about my friends. What amazing women and men I have in my life! The support and love I have received from you (and you know who you are!!!) was amazing. The martinis and ice cream helped a bit...but the love (and Monkey lovin') was what I really needed. And never underestimate the power of a few beautifully written words to remind oneself of some things that may have temporarily been forgotten.

So here I go...looking at the common denominator, subtracting the messy clutter and financial irresponsibility, adding more positive changes and I might just finally be me - the sum of all awesomeness. ( I had to consciously avoid the use of the term 'pie' in that math analogy).

And...because I don't mind a mixed metaphor...I am suddenly reminded of a very sexy story about a Lotus flower. In my journey I think I am as the Lotus is in the picture here - nearly ready to open and be utterly fabulous.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Les Printempts

I love Vancouver in the spring. Cherry blossoms bursting from trees, pale pink whispers to darker pink kisses. I think the Japanese have something there when they sexualize Cherry Blossoms.

The weather today was typical Vancouver - it started sleepy and grey, clouds threatening to leak water from their seams, but then the sun came out and convinced them to save their moisture for another day...the weekend perhaps.

I'm still dating Roger and things are going very well indeed. We have what we call 'naked chats'...and I won't insult you by thinking you can't figure out what that means. There is something very refreshing about being naked both physically and emotionally when we have these chats - it's harder to hide your feelings when you are already feeling vulnerable - I think the lack of clothing makes for more honest talks.

I won't lie to you...I'm starting to have quite a lot of feelings for Roger. I am really trying to NOT over think this and to just go with things. I have a habit of tearing things apart and likely having a lot of self destructive behaviours within most of my past relationships.

I enjoy the way we seem to fit and we're always in each other's brains...already finishing sentences and knowing what the next witty retort will be. We seem to be totally at peace with each other which is quite lovely - and I am the most open with him on a sexual level as well so there's another added bonus.

So we shall see how this continues to grow and as long as I stay in the moment I think this will be a fantastic journey. I am not thinking of it ending, I'm not planning our wedding or naming our unborn children - I am just really enjoying the steps on this journey as we take them.

For once in my life I am completely in the present and it feels calming and freeing and I am deeply happy.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Have I mentioned...

How great things are right now?

By "things" I just mean life in the most general sort of way. I am , of course, still very swamped at work and every day there feels more and more frustrating - but my happiness is coming from other areas right now.

I am getting to the gym on average about 4 times a week and that is making me feel soooo goooood. There are always a million excuses for me NOT to go...but once I am there I actually enjoy it. It's great ME time.

I am trying to keep my apartment cleaner...though still have a challenge in the bedroom. I don't know why I'm such a messy mess...I am slowly changing that behaviour though and one day will be a cleany clean. teehee

And...another important plus is that I'm dating a fantastic guy! I know it's new and I know it's all in the beginning stages...but I am just happy and enjoying it. I don't want to think too much about it...I want to live in the NOW!

I am burning my candles, drinking my wines and making sure that I'm not just waiting for some imagined perfect moment to celebrate things in my life. I am celebrating me...every day. Do you knwo why? Because just like the L'Oreal commercial says...I AM worth it!

I've been working on a few pieces and when I'm happier with them I'll post them on here for your enjoyment /critique.


Wednesday, February 20, 2008

And the good vibes continue

Sooo....I'm dating people. Well...possibly not 'people' exactly...I've been on 3 dates in 3 days and they were all with the same dude!!

Roger is cute and nice and we'll see if we can continue to hang out etc. It also doesn't hurt that he's a Sommelier and I'm eager to learn more about wines from all places. weee.

Anyway - a new 'writing' for your amusement.

I am trying to very hard not to think of you. I am trying not to remember what it felt like to kiss you for the very first time – a meeting of mouths, a slight parting of lips, tongues shyly seeking each other out.

I am really trying to focus on anything besides the memory of your hands in my hair, pulling me closer into you. I am pretending that I don’t still taste you or feel your breath on my neck, or hear your voice murmuring lascivious desires into my ear.

I am clearly failing at removing the mental image of you stroking your hard cock directly in front of my face and how I was equal parts turned on and frustrated that you wouldn’t let me take you into my mouth and run my tongue around the ridge of the smooth head.

Now - a sudden rush of wetness between my legs as I clearly re-live the moment when at last I was able to wrap my lips around you, feel you writhe and twitch with pleasure and finally explode into my mouth – hot liquid bursts of gratification. Kissing you afterwards, sharing in the taste I felt my own loins constrict with bliss.

Even now I try to push from my mind the memory of your fingers buried deep inside me…stroking me and coaxing me to cry out with ecstasy. Then again when the bud of my clit - fully engorged and begging for your touch was played with ever so gently - your fingers lightly skipping over it and then a new sensation as your tongue found the hard nodule and worked it over – licking, sucking and probing.

Yes…I am trying very hard not to think of you today and how my body is alive with sensations too sensitive to mention.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Sen Sah Shon Elle!

Tin Foil - you are absolutely right...there needs to be less boring and more snappy.

So I need to get my game face on...and here are some inspirations for me to bring my A Game.

First off...one of my first loves HOCKEY. Can you guess my favourite part?

Also, I was reminded today of a conversation I had with my brother early last week and in it I mentioned how proud I am to be Canadian and suddenly...without prompting we both started quoting SIMULTANEOUSLY ....THIS! It really made us both laugh.

And finally...to get myself all pumped up and ready to embrace the Fabulousness, I am brushing this off and will Celebrate keeping off all the drama.

Onwards! Upwards! Hoorah!!!!

Monday, February 04, 2008

Put the crack pipe down and step away from your keyboard.

C- please. How could I publish a comment that was obviously written when you were high?? (spelling, grammar and the blatant no-no of using proper names tsk tsk).

I'd love it if you could just for one minute think before you go off typing. Just this once?? Please?

I'm not going to lecture you about pots and kettles and where they lie side by side in the grand colour scheme of things. I'm also not going to point out the many times you've been the instigator of gossip and half truths.

What I'd like for you is to stop smokin' the crack and for you to stop going off without all the facts. You will never win a Pulitzer prize for journalism if you keep glossing over some facts and misinterpreting others.

Valorie admitted that she believed the Vexation post to be about her (The whole V - V thing y'know). We spoke about it today as I'm sure you are aware. I never named the Vexation so for you to "know" who it's about...well...I am sure your job at the psychic hot line is fascinating! Please pass on my regards to JoJo.

Seriously. This has never been about you so I'm not so sure why you're so concerned with it.
If my posts bother you so much why do you read them? I display my feelings on here...as they are happening. Some are positive, some are negative and other still are simply silly.

This part of your rant really confused me"
"Also, dont think I dont know that you made some really shitty comments about ME thinking that dumb vexation post would be about Mme. YOU ARE VAIN if you think thati feel like I am a part of your life enough to warrant a post like that."

I never once said that you were the Vexation, never once named that person, never once told anyone that you're "Vexing"...you aren't even a blimp on my social radar for how is it that you could vex me without even interacting with me at all?? THIS is what I'm talking about!! By just taking a moment to think rationally about something you can avoid the embarrassment of ASSUMING! Don't go posting comments without thinking about it first. I'm not sure why anyone would say such erroneous things to you ...unless it was to see you over-react in your usual manner - and you didn't disappoint.

Anyway, I would have posted all of your misguided comments had you not disobeyed the only rule I truly have for this blog...No. Real. Names.

Not sure what I did to completely offend you...don't really care either. Like I mentioned the Vexation post...if you don't have the courage to step forward about something that bothers you...you don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to chopping someone off at the knees.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Bravery...let me explain it to you.

So I have decided to remove the right for anonymous comments on my blog. The reason being that I am always very open about my feelings and thoughts on here - regardless of how I may be judged because of them - yet the anonymous posts on here just sort of piss me off.

If you can't be arsed to be brave and be accountable for your own comments...I can't be arsed to have them. Seriously.

I am also forced to remind my readers once more that this blog is half truths and half fiction and I don't feel obliged to disclose which story/event is which. You may just choose to read or not read as you see fit. This isn't something I'm forcing on anyone...there is no gun to your head.

I heard through the grape vine that Valorie thought the post about the Vexation That Shall Not Be Named was about her...and to that all I can say is "that made me laugh". Literally. I laughed out loud long and hard. Y'see...I do change the names of people to 'protect' them in some manner...but I had already named Valorie in my "Fuck You Plato" post. It's true I use the first letter of the 'real' name as the start of the fictional name...but I don't give people 2 names and I don't name them when I say I'm not going to name them. Savvy?

If I were to talk about Valorie then I would say "Valorie this " or "Valorie that". Also, what further surprised me was that I was pretty clear that the VTSNBN was acting very strangely towards me...IF Valorie was behaving strangely towards me then I simply didn't notice. We don't really talk that much y'see...so it would be easy for me to NOT notice if she was purposely being belligerent or childish around me.

In any event...I am firm in my decision. If you want to leave a comment then by all means...own your comment and be brave enough to have a name...else it's just more random crap...as some of my posts are just random crap too.

Friday, February 01, 2008

The In-Between Girl

It's like phriggin' deja did! Seriously...what is up with men who just want you to be their In Between Girl?

They want to hang out, they want to have sex, they want to essentially date you...but they only want to do that for a predetermined amount of time (unbeknownst to you of course).

I guess I should be quite thankful that I have a very inexperienced Playah trying to finagle me into the In Between Girl role. He has pretty much laid it all out in the open and just thought it was quite odd that I looked at him as if he suddenly grew a 2nd head and said a flat out, emphatic and unmistakable "NO FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!".

I believe that I have been the In Between Girl before...I didn't like it. I also think I might have posted about it before.

Now I'm not kidding myself here...I know I'm not quite up to 'Relationship Time'...but some casual dating would be nice. And maybe it's just because *I* am not the one thinking "this will just be temporary" that I object to this whole notion of "In Between".

I am honestly not quite sure what the difference is between my idea of 'casual dating' and Riley's "In Between Girl" is...except that when I say casual dating I guess I don't think that I KNOW there is an end...but I am not SURE if there is a long term future. With Riley, he KNOWS where his long term is...his ex fiancee... He KNOWS they are getting back together. He KNOWS that all he really wants is to have sex with a few other women before he marries his ex.

He keeps saying he's afraid of not having sex with someone else. He's been with his ex since he was 17. SEVENTEEN!!!! MY GOD!!! And he keeps referring to it as "onegina" Oh how clever...using the number and trying to use part of the word vagina in there. Nice. Onegina...yes...clever. It's not that easy to combine a number and some part of dick or prick or cock or penis. Especially penis!!! Because the plural of penis is not penis...but penises...and that's a lot harder to be clever with.

Now don't get me wrong...I don't believe that anyone should just settle after their first experience. But c'mon I think we all know that it's extremely rare that someone survives a relationship with ONE person for that long. At 17 you are just figuring yourself out. Hell...by your mid 20's you are STILL figuring out who you are.

Or maybe it's just me that has only just sort of NOW figured myself out. Maybe I really am a late bloomer in so many ways.

Anyhoooo. I am probably blowing this all out of proportion as per usual. I thought...I guess I just sort of hoped in vain that perhaps...perhaps just this once, that I could get what *I* wanted when *I* wanted it without compromise!

Sure...I could carry on with Riley...have more fantastic sweaty all night sex...and then when his ex comes back into town he can put me aside and have the engagement ring that is currently in his EAR (yes, he had the stone converted into an earing that he's wearing) BACK into a 18k white gold ring for her... But really...why would I even bother to waste my time??

The sex...almost, but not quite worth it. I mean...ok....so it's fucking (literally) amazing...but pretty soon I'll get emotionally attached and then very soon after THAT he will get more and more emotionally distant...and then my resentment would really blossom into something even *I* would despise.

*sigh* Best to nip this one in the bud I think.

On a different note - I promised more on the monkey sphere. And you may read allll about it

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Vexation thy name is

I will not name the Vexation. It will be "Vexation who shall not be named". I shall only refer to this person as Vexation so as to not give them too much credit.

I am so tired of NOT being confronted with the imagined wrongs I've done. Instead what I've noticed is that somehow, someway, I have 'wronged' someone without even knowing it...and then there is this strange behaviour that seeps from them. I'd like to think that perhaps it was just an off day for the Vexation that shall not be named, but the sad truth is that it' more noticeable when they are NOT in a bad mood. It's like they are a professional Disgruntler...without the paycheck to show for it.

It would be one thing if this person were actually PAID to be in a bad mood 360/365 days. I can't remember the last time this person actually had a genuine SMILE on their face. All smiles are forced...no teeth showing. I always find something suspicious in people who don't smile with their teeth. The same goes for people who cover their mouths with their hands when they smile or laugh - I feel it's because they are hiding something - too afraid to be themselves, too afraid someone might gleam some insight into their souls/personalities.

I guess in this case, if you are a toxic human being then by all means- PLEASE cover up! I would hate for all that negativity to escape out into the world...running rampant down the streets scaring the elderly and scarring young children.

The fact that I am spewing venom right now is not lost on me...I'm frustrated, angry and feel the need to vent in the best way I know how. Also, in an attempt to not become toxic myself I have refrained from naming the Vexation that Shall Not Be Named -lest my venting turns into some sort of violent exchange in the future. (I fear the the VTSNBN is one twitch away from having a complete Falling Down)

I am wondering what will transpire the next time I will be face to face with this person. It's an unhappy happening that we have a smattering of mutual friends (though I use that word fairly loosely in some cases).

For my part I know that I will smile (with teeth in case you were wondering) and I will be polite. I will wait for a cue as to how to conduct myself in the public setting. I feel the need to take this person away and confront them on their exceptionally odd behaviour, however, there is also a large part of me that believes I could be free - I could be actually carrying out a task I have set for myself. To rid myself of all the negative garbage in my life.

Oh - speaking of getting rid of - I am single once more and am actually quite happy about it. I know it seems like I go through mood swings with this - but I suppose that is the way things are with me.

I have a new hair do (of COURSE!) and I'm struttin' around like...well...like the fantastic woman that I am! I have finally come to know who I am and what I want - it's an amazing! The BEST part of it all...I seem to be getting quite a bit of attention lately from different men around my 'hood'.

First off - Angelous and Bradford have noticed I carry myself differently. My shoulders are back, my head is up and I am nearly always smiling, Secondly, the 7:32AM Dog Walker has (after 8 months) started to smile and say 'G'mornin'" to me. Also, Banker Man has held the door open for me no less than 4 times in the last 10 days and today he 'sniffed' me and said in his delicious Irish accent that I smelled 'gorgeous'.

So perhaps there is something to not allowing the Negative Nelly's/Nevil's to hang around in my monkeysphere.

I shall post more on the monkeysphere another day.

Sooo VTSNBN - I will not allow you to bring me down. If I happen to see you amongst my cherished monkeys I will simply allow you to 'be' but not allow you to 'effect'.

*wow* I feel so much better!

Vexation be gone!!