Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Everything's coming up daisies!

I think I may have mentioned before how all the little things really get me. It's often the smallest gesture of romance or thoughtfullness that really touches me and makes me ever so gooey. I really believe that if a relationship is full of those little things, little moments, than it makes the Big Things and the Big Moments that much more special.

Ronan has been sick for a few days but despite this, he bought me flowers yesterday! No reason...he just wanted to! They are gorgeous, huge, lovely pink gerberra daisies - my favourite.

I love gerberra daisies. They look so happy with their bright colours and multi-textured petals. I prefer the large ones over the small ones and I love that they come in so many colours. These ones are such a bright baby pink...not fussia and not too pink...they are hard to describe properly. Needless to say I was really touched that despite him not feeling the Mae West (the very best)he bought ME flowers. Amazing!

I admit it's been a while since I've bought Ronan a gift. When we were in Seattle a few weeks ago I did buy him a T-Shirt but the gesture lacked luster as he ended up paying for it on his Visa until I paid him back upon our return. I do have a gift for him that I've had for quite a long time...but I want to give it to him via this fancy red box that we are to exchange.

The story behind the box is this: I made him cookies for Valentine's Day (that's how much I love him...I'll bake for this man! I HATE to bake and furthermore, I'm not very good at it.) and I gave them to him in a lovely red box. He said then that we should use the box to trade thoughtful things back and forth. I don't know what I love more...that idea or that Ronan was the one to come up with it. I have yet to get the box back and I really would like to put this small treasure in the box.

I'm thrilled that he bought me flowers! I'm over the moon that he keeps buying me my favourites. Some people may disagree with me and tote roses out to be the best flowers, but I'm not one for roses. Yes they smell lovely, and the very tight budded ones look super cute...but I am happiest with my gerberra daisies smiling up at me. They may not have a scent to them, but they make my heart smile nearly as much as Ronan does.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Witty title here --->

Not to put too fine a point on it...but I am feeling less than inspired for wittisisms today...or spell check.

I spent most of the day trying to buy a bathing suit - I don't think I need to go into graphic detail here or tell you that as like most women, bathing suit shopping for me isn't a fun event. Though I did buy a smaller suit than my last one - I am still 20lbs away from my slinky bikini. Actually...I don't think I would ever wear a bikini. I have barely enough breasts to fill one out and my ass just won't shrink as much as I would like it to.

Still...I am actually not feeling *that* despondent.

After my shopping I went back to Ronan's while he was at work. I put the stereo on and sat outside in his sun chair reading my book. 15 minutes later (I am guessing) I fell asleep. Lucky me that I did not turn Lobster Red and become the next pin up woman for the top 10 reasons to wear sun block!

I think I was asleep for about an hour...maybe less. I woke up to what I assumed was the loud and bloody murder of the 2 children across the way. Talk about instant birth control! These kids were SCREAMING their heads off! I believe they are fairly young...one is definitely a toddler - maybe 3 or 4 yrs old. The other I think is closer to 7 or 8 yrs old. Jaysus!

I have recently been pondering having children more and more. This is the first time where I have actually envisioned myself having kids with a man. I love the idea of having children with Ronan. With any luck they'd have his eyes, strength (both emotional and physical) and freckles combined with my temper, sense of adventure and my wee little nose. Let's be clear here...it's an idea at this stage. I also have it in my mind to go to Greece in 2007 for a much deserved and very real, vacation.

HOWEVER. Yesterday Ronan and I were in Crappy Tire trying to get some kayak paddles when this 4 yr old started WAILING. No reason...just started to bawl his tiny eyes out and loudly too!! That combined with today's monsters demonic cries....well...that put me off having kids until I can deal with other people's screaming kids! I mean...c'mon..let's face it! I know I'm not the most patient person on earth and I tend to lean towards the selfish side sometimes. (I'm a Libra afterall).

I just wonder what sort of mother I could be. I don't want to think that I will lose patience with my kids as fast as I did yesterday and today with the tiny demons.. Perhaps it is because they are not my children that I felt that way. Maybe there is some sort of immunity that you build up with you own kids. The father from yesterday's senario didn't even flinch. He didn't' try to correct the behavior, didn't offer words of comfort...nothing. He put his hand on his son's shoulder and pushed him further down the aisle. Same sort of thing with the kids across the way. They couldn't have been unsupervised...yet the screaming went on for at least 10 minutes...and I am NOT exaggerating. I looked at the time when I woke up and it was 5:15PM. I began to become concerned when the screaming got louder and longer and looked at the clock again and it was 5:25PM. 10 minutes might not sound like a long time...but if there doesn't seem to be an end to the high pitched cacophony of an obviously distressed child...it seems closer to half an hour!

I have two gorgeous nephews. Noel and Alejo. Noel is 10 months old now and cuter than Cute Cute McCute, winner of last year's Cute competition who's still batting his eye-lashes. Alejo is 5 weeks old and is probably the longest baby I have ever seen. My monies on an NBA placement by 2025!

I love both of my nephews to bits and pieces. I love watching Alejo watch me. He is beginning to focus his eyes now and I really believe that he 'sees' me instead of just having his eyes open to a blurry world. He's a lot calmer than Noel was at that age and I hope that he keeps his blue eyes. He's tiny and perfect.

Noel is starting to really explore his world a lot more now that he can crawl and stand and walk with assistance. Everything goes in his mouth and he's really babbling a lot now which is super cute. Sometimes he has this high pitched cry that I call "Talking with Dolphins" and that doesn't bother me as much as the hellians from yesterday.

I have heard that your body really does funny things to you when you enter your 30's and haven't had babies yet. I do believe that my biological clock is ticking softly in the background. I am aware of it...but I can hit the snooze button for a while. I have noticed a lot of pregnant women around...A LOT. Is this because there is an unusual amount of women who are pregnant right now? Or is it because I am starting to really think about having kids myself that I notice them?

Having said ALLLL of that. I am not insane. Trust me. I am not ready to have a baby right now and as much as I love Ronan (and I really really do), WE are not ready for that either. Ideally I'd love to be married for a few years before having kids and of course, getting married is not going to happen for a bit either.

So before I hear the pitter patter of little feet I'd like to hear the ding-dong of wedding bells. And before the ding-dong of wedding bells I'd like to hear the splish-splash of our summer kayaking adventures, the swoosh-swoosh of our winter snowboarding escapades and the chirp chirping of spring birds. Of course, I'd have to hear the question somewhere in there too!

Isn't love grand? Madly in love. Crazy in love. Love makes you do the strangest things! Love is equated with insanity...which I find amusing and appropriate. teehee. Just because I fantasize or dream about it, doesn't make me any less normal or crazy than any other woman in love.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Are you talking to me?

I'm writing this while Ronan is watching Baseball on TV (BOR-RING) and also talking to a "mystery" person on the phone. I'm not concerned about the phone call...but the baseball?? Yikes!

Once more I was called by the dreaded Ex's name. This makes it at least 3 times now...though I am not actually counting.

Though Ronan says it's not intentional (and I believe him) it never fails to bother me. What is it about me that is so similar to his ex? Everything??? God I hope not. Though I guess if I am to go by the photo of him and her in Ottawa...then I have to say that I do like her quite a bit. I would hope that I have my own distinct personality and that it's more exciting and sunnier than his ex.

I have not called Ronan by anyone else's name. (knock on wood). Even when I am frustrated or annoyed at him I haven't called him by the German's name (seems the likely one that I would),

What happens in those moments when he's feeling frustrated that he calls me Hillary? Why why why? He says that this is something he did with ALL his girlfriends with the exception of his first girlfriend (naturally). Despite it not being intentional and despite this being a habit...I can't phreaking STAND it!!!

It feels hurtful. Like he can't be arsed to call me by my own name. I might try to look at it another way. That he only calls me "Hillary" when he's experiencing negative emotions (frustration, annoyance, anger) and that he's doing it as a subconscious effort to NOT associate me with those feelings. But let's be honest here...that kind of psycho babble works for OTHERS...but never for the one involved.

I could pretend that it doesn't happen "Are you talking to me?....oh I'm sorry...I didn't realize that you see as my name is Qwerkie and NOT Hillary" But then again....that won't solve this issue.


Any advice?

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

So we're at that stage now???

Ok. Admitedly I am writing this when I am very tired, grumpy and feeling hurt.

Ronan spent the night at my place last night. We didn't fool around...I wasn't feeling very well and we were both tired. No biggie.

I had the worst night's sleep last night - I can't tell you how many times I woke up and how many nightmeres I had. Ronan said he was up a lot last night as well. Both of us tired.

When my alarm went off I was soooo sleepy. There was no fooling around in the morning...I did not have the energy at all. I got up, had a shower, had breakfast and got ready for work. What normally takes me 20 minutes took me closer to 30.

Ronan drives me to work and then fake kisses me as I get out of the truck. What I mean by 'fake kissing" is that he just kisses the air in my general direction. I hate that. This isn't the first time he's done it and though I mentioned how much I dislike it before, I am certain it won't be the last. I'm sure he saw the hurt look on my face as he did try to call me back. However, it was too late. Ronan lets me off on a very busy street and we didn't have the luxury of a red light...just some pedestrians slowing traffic down just enough so I could hop out. I couldn't come back and it left me feeling rather hurt.

STILL. WTF??? I'm tired. He's tired. He has the day off and is awake at 6 30AM because of me. I feel badly about this but he does have keys to my place and the option of sleeping in. I am quite capable of walking to work as I have done for the past 2 years. He said last night that he didn't mind driving me in as he has a lot of errands to get done today etc etc.

So why are we both wearing the grumpy pants? Have we reached the stage where we just react instead of thinking about how things may be taken? Have we become that comfortable with each other that we no longer feel the need to woo each other?

Ronan made a comment about my appearance the other day - said something along the line of "would you have worn that on our 2nd date?". The implication of course being that I must have looked a bit "frumpy" instead of sexy and appealing. My hair was back in a pony tail, my make up was light, I was wearing kahki capri pants, a cute pink T-shirt BUT...what "ruined" the look was my runners. I didn't *want* to wear my runners to be clear...but I didn't have any other shoes at Ronans place that would go with my outfit...so the runners were my best option.

However, I changed for our date and looked stunning so all was forgiven.

STILL! It's not that I don't feel the need to look nice for Ronan any more - in fact, I have been on a small shopping spree and bought 2 sexy tops and a drop dead sexy dress...all to wear while out with him. Suddenly I'm showing "too much cleavage" to the whole world. Is there a happy medium here?

If I don't show any cleavage (and let's be honest here....I don't HAVE very much cleavage....it's all done with smoke and mirrors) then I am "not trying" or have "settled". If I *do* show what little shadow and curves I do have....then suddenly I'm being too provocative and he feels the need to remind me that he should be the only one to see my tits.

*sigh*. I am so sleepy - a nap will make this all seem rather silly.

In other news....I lost my cherry in regards to Sensual Food Sex. Thjs is ironic as we were playing with Mud Pie that was supposed to have a cherry...but it was lost.

I had never played with food in bed like that before. Well...truth be told it was on the couch...still! My point is that Food and Sex go together quite well and it was a lot of fun to play and experiment and tease. The ice cream was just the right amout of cold (for me) and I found the whole thing to be very exciting!!!

I do not reccomend whip cream from a can...blech. The real stuff is what you need - fluffy and light and less chemically. Chocolate is a fabulous diping sauce for "peaches" and "bananas' (ok...corny I know but I'm trying to work with the whole food theme).

Lady K mentioned something about toothpaste (she read it somewhere) and though that might give you all the tinglies...I do think it brings a whole new meaning to "oral sex". teehee.

Best go for now...I'll expand on this another time.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Night Singing

I think I have a wicked porn voice. I can "OooOOhhHHhhhh" and "ahhh" and "Uuummmm" with the best of them...the only difference being is that my sex noises are actually genuine.

Welcome Tia - the newest audience member to make herself known :) I hope you continue to enjoy and learn and post comments of all kinds :). This post is a direct result of your question from here.

How *do* I manage to have an orgasm so often with Ronan....good question. I started thinking about it, trying to analyze the sex I have with him...but then that wasn't as fun as asking Ronan his opinion on the matter.

Here is what we came up with. (Oh the punnyness of that sentence is too good not to comment on).

In the beginning stages of our relationship we had a lot of fun dates that culminated in massive make out sessions. All hands were above the equator as it were and we just kissed each other silly! To say that I love kissing is a massive understatement. I've broken up with men before over lousy kissing.

To me kissing is an intimate and integral part of sex. I NEED to be kissed. If it doesn't start off with kissing...it won't actually "start". The best part about kissing is that it is not limited to just the lips! My neck, breasts and especially my EARS loved to be kisses. I think that people sometimes forget how sensual kissing can be. Slow it down, speed it up....let your tongue play. Gentle slurpy kisses in the ear combined with quick tongue flicks over the jugular vein will very nearly bring me to orgasm.

Ok...so we've covered kissing as an important part of good sex (for me....others might not be too into it).

The next important ingredient is "Talking". Yup...I like to tell Ronan what's working, where to go next....though as we have been together for 4 months now there is little need for that now.

95% of women (I think that's the right percentage) can not achieve orgasm from penetration alone...there needs to be some clitoral stimulation. Here is the thing...a lot of men don't seem to know where it is or worse...what to do with it when they DO find it.

This delicate area of the female body is a lot like the head of a man's penis. It has the same nerve endings, the same sensitivity of an uncircumcised man. Women have a little hood protecting the clitoris....after all...we can't have us women wearing lacey thongs and then BAMO! having orgasms every time we get up from our desk to go to the bathroom. (isnt that a nice thought though?).

Many men seem to think that quick, hard circular movements over a woman's clit is enough or good or something. Hellooooo....do you want me to rub my thumb over the head as hard as I can as fast as I can with little to no lube???? Je ne pense pas!

You know your body. Hopefully you've had many wonderful orgasms by yourself and are confident enough to tell your partner just how you love to be touched. Is it slow and sensual? Quick and hard? Slow and hard? Quick and soft? You know yourself.

When things are working well for me...Ronan can't help but know it. Noises escape me. It's a wonderful pleasurable circle. It feels good- so I moan. It feels good to moan-so I moan more. Of course...no one should make fun of your night singing. (I don't know why I am calling it night singing....it's not like I"m quiet in the day time and only moan with pleasure at night...)

One day Ronan mimicked my sex noises and I admit I was less than impressed. Those noises are uncontrolled and often I don't even know what I'm saying (if there are indeed any words) so it seems unfair to bring them out after a love making session. My utterings are being used out of context as it were.

So...my best advice on how to achieve an orgasm every time are listed below:

1) Do not think about it. It's not really that important to cum every single time...what is important is that you enjoy what you are doing. If you are putting pressure on yourself or your partner to give you an orgasm...chances are you are not in the right head space to have one.

2) TALK to you partner. Many people find it very sexy to talk during sex. "Move here, touch me like this, I love it when you lick me here" That sort of thing. Praise in the bedroom does wonders.

3)DO NOT FAKE IT! If you fake it you are opening up a huge pandora's box. Your partner will likely repeat what they did when you faked it and then would be bewildered why it has suddenly changed and is no longer working for you.

4) Be an active participant in your own pleasure. A lot of men get turned on when a woman touches themselves while they are penetrating them. This works out great for everyone as the woman gets all sorts of stimulation and the man gets a nice view (depending on position) of his woman being confident and taking control of her own sexuality.

5) Talk about any problems you are having OUTSIDE of the bedroom. That is sooo important as you do not want your bedroom (or secret sex alcove) to be a place of doom....unless you are into that sort of thing. No one wants to feel pressured in bed....so talking about issues outside of your "regular" sex arena is key to keeping it full of pleasure and not full of anxiety.

Alright,...now I know that some of you may disagree with any or all of the above. I am not a sex therapist, I do not have a degree from any recognized institution in Sexuality. However....I have had a few lovers, even MORE boyfriends and I know what I like.

If these tips work for you...I'm very happy for you!

If they don't...well...don't give up, Chapters is full of great books on sexuality. One of the best ones I read is called "Sexual Self Awareness" and that was a key factor on my road to discovering my own sexuality and pleasure. Don't cheat on the excersizes...they are fun and a huge learning tool.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

It ain't easy being green

Ok...I admit it. I am sometimes a jealous person. I hate it...the weight of it all...the heavy feeling in my stomach, the pressure on my heart, sometimes I can't breath through the thick green fog.

I had a massive attack of it on Saturday.

Ronan has joined my gym. There are probably lots of reasons why he joined my gym...his gym was really far away, it was inconvenient, we were spending a lot of time together and both of us ignoring the gym...So joining my gym means we can go together and work out together and be supportive in getting fit and healthy. Great.

However...as we all know...beautiful people work at the gym. Anna was no exception to the rule. In her late 30's Anna is in amazing shape, breasts still perky (I'm putting money on the Wonder Bra being extra "Wonder-ful") and her ass was tight and high and there wasn't a part of her that giggled unnecessarily.

I don't mind a pretty girl...truth is I really appreciate beauty in all it's forms and genders. I think that Anna is very attractive but I am not actually attracted TO her. (just want to be clear on this point),

SO. Fine. Anna is pretty. We arrive at the gym are placed in her capable and wandering hands. Oh wait...sorry...I was there...but may as well have been invisible. She was ALLL over Ronan. Cooing at him and fawning over him and TOUCHING HIM???? Running her hands up and down his back, over his shoulders...the only thing she didn't do is reach down his shorts and grope him!

Ronan ate it up. I don't blame him really - it is hard not to be all gooey when an attractive person butters you up. The good news is that Ronan saw through her phoney act and realized that she was just trying to sell him a membership.

STILL. I couldn't help the green fog from clouding my vision. It affected me more than I want to admit...but here I am sharing.

I nearly felt VIOLENT towards Anna. I called on Monday to ask about a class and spoke to her. She mentioned that she saw Ronan at the gym on Sunday. I was pretty sure he didn't go to the gym and the green nearly choked me. I know he didn't go...why would she say that?

I feel very solid with Ronan to be clear. I don't think that he'd ever cheat on me and he knows that I would never cheat on him. What would be the point? I feel like I am getting everything I want out of this relationship. I feel loved, desired, listed to, cared for and a whole litany of other ooey gooey things that are important to me.

Still...why the jealousy?

Yes I need to drop about 30lbs to be truly athletic, but I don't think that Ronan is turned off by my body. I do have a washboard stomach...it's just under 20lbs of laundry at the moment. (teehee).

But this was crazy. I wanted to hurt Anna...I didn't like the way she looked at Ronan and I hated her touching him...

It aint easy being green...I prefer passionate pink.