Thursday, February 12, 2009

Chippin' away

So this week has been very trying and I know I'm suffering from some serious PMS but when my crazy hormones are met with people who are unreasonably demanding, rude and pretty much down right PROUD of their can imagine the tizzy I have been in.

I often wonder how people can think it's OK to be less than mediocre. In dealing with a supplier this week I received an email that was so full of spelling mistakes that it was appalling! The writer of the letter actually used the (I'm going to use 'word' here...but clearly it's not a word at all!) word "whut". Whut??? WHUT??? Do you mean WHAT? Holy Shit! This is a BUSINESS letter!

Going on public forums and making mention of how spelling has seemingly gone by the way-side I was FLAMED for it. That I was picking on people, coming off arrogant, flaunting my education. My god. If being able to have a gr.8 level of spelling is FLAUNTING my education then YES...I guess I am!

This just really made me so sad. The people that were so vocal about how it's acceptable to have such poor spelling have kids. They are raising their kids that it's OK to be too lazy to use spell check and that if someone says something you disagree with ...not only is it OK but EXPECTED that you retaliate not with logic...but with insults.

Anyway...the bright spot in my week has been Miguel. We hung out on Monday night (I made dinner) and then we went dancing yesterday. I absolutely do care about Miguel. He is really quite sweet and he treats me a lot of respect and silliness - which I do adore.

He is forever giving me compliments and I'm not afraid to admit that the sex is pretty good! He has amazing tattoos on his arms and for some reason I can't keep my eyes off them when we're naked. I know he thinks I don't look elsewhere but I eyes just keep roaming back to his arms.

I am starting to feel more relaxed and open around him. I think I've stopped phreaking out over my body and our noticeable height difference. I am taller than him by at least 3 inches. I think at first it bothered me...but now I don't even notice it!

Saturday is Valentine's Day and I admit that I have pretty high expectations. We are going for dinner and more salsa dancing. I plan on having a little gift for him including one of my favourite Pablo Naruda poems written out in both English and Spanish for him. The gift isn't much...I admit that I have been exceptionally rusty in the 'how to be romantic' department but for some reason I really want to try with Miguel.

I am going to really try to breathe and enjoy this and just see where this goes. Maybe we'll end up with a house on the beach in Mexico, maybe we'll end up with a house on the coast in BC. or maybe this will all end in tequila tears. The point is...I am going to allow myself to feel whatever this is.

I think that I have spied a chip in the wall...

Friday, February 06, 2009

You're terrible Kwerkie

So here I am...watching "My" movie. "Muriel's Wedding". It smacks so much of me (minus the ocker Aussie accent) I can't decide whether to laugh or cry. I think I'm leaning more toward crying.

Why am I so blocked from opening myself up? Why do I want something when I'm clearly not quite ready? I know Marcus is waiting for me to call him...I'm sure he thinks I would have called him by now...and I think I am supposed to...but I can't pick up the phone.

I used to be so open. I used to be that girl that believed that love conquers all and that all you need is love and I may as well be Ewan McGregor in Moulan Rouge! But here I am...a bitter Kwerkie. I feel consumed by the bitterness - I'm drowning in it...I open my mouth to breathe and all that comes in is terrible horrible bitterness - so sour I choke on it.

I have gotten so very good at running away from myself that I have it down to an artform. However; in typical fashion, the honeymoon lasts for about 6 months to a year and then CRASH! Reality marches in, slaps me in the face and I am left with the stingburning across my face. I can feel it...and yet I do nothing about it.

The gym has my money and not my presence. This blog has been long sitting dusty out there in the ether. I'm sleeping more, eating more and feeling more and more like crawling under my covers and never coming out.

When is this spiral going to break? Where to start is the best question...I know I need change, I need progress, I need something positive in my life. If the journey begins with a single step...what is the step that needs to be taken first?

I think I'm going to just start by being a bit nicer to myself. Maybe I'll start with a smile.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

The Great Wall of Kwerkie

When it happened I am really not sure...but somewhere between Ronan and Roberto I have created a rather large wall around my heart and despite my good intentions...I have no way of knocking it down Berlin style.

I am dating a guy who is very nearly too good to be true. Today he called me out on the wall factor. He says lovely things to me all the time - how he loves spending time with me, how he can't wait to see me again, how beautiful I am, that he accepts my curves but encourages healthy choices. He loves my brain and furthermore...demands that it be constantly stimulated.

I am trying my best to let him in. I am, I really am...but for some reason I am blocking. We have these really intense conversations, he's so super at all the little yet here I am with this horrible wall up and I haven't been able to find my axe or cycle! bahhhh!

I am really hesitant for some reason...and despite me bringing up my fears with him...and us talking about it...I'm still not getting my papers approved to cross over!