There is something about Neko Case that is truely inexplicable. I'be been thinking about this entry since Friday night....it is now Sunday afternoon and I'm still at a loss as to how to tidy this up into a neat little package with a cute little bow. Maybe that is my problem...Neko isn't the kind of artist that is neat or cute or that would wear a bow and no one I know (or would care to know) would describe her voice as "little".
Neko is the kind of artist that helps women find a voice for their despair, maladese and frustration. She is also the kind of artist that ensares men with her soulfull haunting voice and her incredible red-haired beauty.
When I first asked Jon to see Neko in concert with me, I knew he only agreed because it was an opportunity to see me without a thought of his own audio pleasure. I had played "Blacklisted" for him a few times and especially "I Wish I Was The Moon" which he conceeds he really likes, however Jon figures that Neko is pretty "country" and he's not into that.
We met at the hotel and after checking in, we cracked open a magnum of wine. I felt like something out of Henry Miller story...my red wine in a cheap hotel tumbler, the room decorated like a cross between Cirque De Soliel and an African Safari gone wrong, and the TV bolted to the ceiling. There were 2 double beds in the room...they looked smaller than average. I had already figured that sex wasn't on the menu so it didn't bother me.
We chatted uneasily for a few moments before finding a regular sort of groov. Someone rolled a joint...I think it was me. More wine was consumed, some mumble jumble talk was exchanged...neither of us were at our communicative best and I'd like to point out that we hadn't even smoked yet!
We haven't been dating very long...at most 3 weeks and really have only been on under a dozen dates and yet Jon has already managed to spot my cheif weakness. Despite mucho bravado...I am fairly insecure about my appearance.
It's true I struggle with my weight. I used to be about 80lbs heavier than I am now. I spent the better half of a 2 year relationship being told that I was a wonderful loving woman, but that I was simply too fat to fuck. Every attempt at sex was met with initial enthusiasm by The German, but when it came to actual penetration he lost interest as well as his erection. I tried to talk to him about it outside of the bedroom, and every time it was the same answer. He loved me very very much but was not at all attracted to my in any physcial way and until I weighed 135lbs I had better put all thoughts of sex out of my mind.
*** Side note. I am a very tall woman...I'm 5ft 11. I am not a small person and I think that if I ever weighed 135lbs I would look very sickly. Currently I"m sitting at 189lbs and my goal is about 165lbs. ****
So yes...this and other incidents in my past have affected me but I like to think that I have really come along way in the self esteem department. I wear clothing that is form fitting yet flattering. I used to wear what others would call "refugee chique"-very baggy clothes so that you could hardly tell there was a female body underneath.
Anyway...the fact that Jon could spot that both relieved and upset me. Relief because I really am trying to be as open and honest with him as I can without giving away all my secrets. I mean...does someone really need to know every single detail about you? It was upsetting because I do not want to be thought of as weak. I see this as being a major weakness. It's like admiting that I'm putting my happiness into someone else's hands. I just do not want to fall into that again.
We got very high...I can't even remember what the first act sounded like. We got very drunk...I remember crying when Neko played "I'll Be Around". Jon was great...just held me and didn't' say anything. Maybe he didn't notice...maybe he did, I just needed the silence between us no matter what he may or may not have seen. I felt like I was in a dream...it was probably the pot.
Of course I was expecting to see Nelson there...he was the one that got me switched on to Neko in the first place. I think I might have been looking for him initially but as the pot and the voldka and redbull kicked in I forgot about him. Jon and I were swaying to Neko's music, his arms were around me, I felt beautiful. I turned to give Jon a smile and that is when I saw him.
We made eye contact but neither of us smiled, nodded or in any way acknowledged the other. I was struck by how old he looked -"haggared" would be a better word. He's gained a bit of weight...so have I. He was standing next to a thin, pinched face blond woman -his ex-wife...or had the divorce been called off at the last moment? It's mute at this point really.
Jon tilted my face up to his and kissed me. It was a long, slow, sensuous kiss. I don't think I could have planned that better...I don't think it would have come off as good even if I *had* planned that. The concert continued, Neko was fantastic. I was floating. Jon bought me a T-shirt with cash and hash...it still makes me laugh.
After the concert we filtered out into the street like the rest of the crowd. Then we ate horrible things like McDonalds, Pizza and a very spicey wrap. Back at the hotel room I was guzzling back the water in a last ditch effort to ward off a massive hang over. I think I may have even brushed my teeth. Somehow I did change into my nightgown - I chose it specifically for this night. It is sexy without begging for sex. I honestly didn't think we were going to have sex but I didn't want him to maybe not think about it.
We crawled into bed and kisses and cuddles and whispers were flowing onto and between us. I remember at one point saying "no" and explaining that I didn't want to be his In The Mean Time Girl and all the standard stuff that I spew out. And with a slow hot kiss the last of my resolve melted.
I don't mind saying that it was fabulous sex. For as intoxicated as I was -it felt amazing. Jon seemed to be able to read my body very well and I admit I was trying my best to interpret his own responses and needs. The first time was nearly desperate with need and we both got a bit carried away as it were. The second time seemed slower and easier and I was able to relax enough to have an orgasm. Afterwards there was some cuddling before rolling over to our respective sides of the bed in order to sleep.
In the morning Jon was full of full-bodied cuddles and despite my slight hangover, I felt amazing. We chatted and laughed and cuddled and explored each other's bodies once more.
Jon left me at the hotel to take care of some stuff he had to do and I took the opportunity to watch some TV...oh TV...how I do miss you! I ate breakfast at The Templeton and sat at the Super Woman table which I thought was aprapo as I felt amazing despite my wicked hangover.
Reflecting on the evening before I was struck by numerous things. 1) I felt very easy around Jon, pretty and bold and witty and good in general. 2) Seeing Nelson there and having the unique experience of feeling nothing when I saw him was a definitely plus. 3) Experiencing a Neko Case concert with my current boyfriend (am I allowed to use that word now?) and my ex boyfriend and somehow managing to keep her to myself was interesting to say the least.
I still can't believe I have a Saidies T-Shirt that was paid for with hash'n cash. HA!
Friday during the day before I met up again with Jon I played my Neko Case songs at full blast and tried to
re-live the concert...I fell asleep instead.
"This is crazy.
This is crazy.
I wish I was the moon tonight".
Kwerkie
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