Dear Jordan - Please fuck off.
So...it's occurred to me that we're probably not going to actually BE friends...are we? At least not the sort that actually call each other to see what is new and to write to keep in touch so it just seems strange to pretend that we will be.
You waited until you knew I was back in Calgary to text me about your Mum and I guess the only reason I wanted to see your Mum was because there was a small part of me that wished things were a bit different.
In the last few weeks I have examined our relationship and I have come to the following conclusion -you were never really IN it. I carried it the whole way and I suppose it was just convenient for you to ride along. I think this is why you were not able to have an orgasm - you weren't connected to me emotionally at all.
Looking back there were several signs which I just ignored because I liked you, but in hind sight were glaring examples that you were not at all interested in me. This is why the sex was such a failure for you, without being remotely emotionally connected to me it was all futile. I'm not even certain that I am the first woman you've had this issue with. Prior to our first 'date' in Dec you asked me "What if the sex is oogey" to which I replied as long as we had open communication and were willing to work on it we would be fine. Well...you never did have that open communication or willingness to work on it.
Valentine's Day - we specifically had a conversation about what would be lovely for Valentine's Day without bowing to the consumer pressure but rather celebrating the spirit of romance. And despite me telling you how simple it would be to put a smile on my face all you could do was nothing...and then bitterly argue the consumerism point to defend yourself for your complete lack of interest in being romantic with me.
Easter - you disappeared for a week after my friends were here and claimed you needed your space because they were too white/pasty and that no one met your standards of intelligence or success. A week where you didn't care to call or see me or to even grow a pair of balls to end it. I made endless excuses for you saying you were a loner, you weren't used to being in a relationship, you were scared of how fast things seemed to be going between us.
I should have pulled the plug so many times and I was just hoping that one day you would see me the way I saw you.
The worst of it was the way you behaved towards me on that Saturday - as if I meant nothing to you. Sadly I never knew how true that was until I sat back and really looked at everything.
What makes me so angry is that you KNEW! You KNEW you weren't into me and you KNEW this was nothing and yet you CONTINUED to see me and let me believe all was not just OK...but wonderful. How is it that you were OK with being so selfish and hurtful? How could you not know that letting me go when you realized you weren't into me would be better for both of us?
How is it that at 38 you are not yet a man? When do you think you'll grow up?
I feel badly for the women you will meet next and I can only hope that they have the good sense to see the signs earlier and do the right thing, the thing that you could not do- end things with grace and courtesy and honesty.
The good news is that your sexual dysfunction will haunt you until you are ready to deal with your emotional paralysis. So your choices are to continue to excuse your emotional immaturity on your search for Truth and Justice in face of the scary New World Order...or you can face your past and fears and finally deal with them.
I suspect you will be a confirmed bachelor...after all, you never ever do what you don't want to do- not ever- including being brave enough to break up with someone face to face, to be honest with your feelings and to take responsibility for your actions and orgasms.
I'm trying to let go of the anger I have towards you...and I'm sure that it will leave in time -but for now Jordan...I just want you to Fuck Off. I've deleted you from my life and that feels like a good step in the right direction for me.
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