I am trying to be fair. I am trying so very hard right now to NOT be mean that I'm afraid I'll fail miserably at being accurate just so that I don't come across as a total bitch. I will just try to be honest here but I have to warn you...this one hurts so the meanness is probably going to seep through the best of my intentions.
Jordan and I are done -his choice not mine, though I am coming around to the fact that we were probably never particularly well suited. I'm an open communicator, he shuts people out. I'm in touch with my feelings and he seems to be trapped in his. I'm open about my sexuality and he can't take responsibility for his own orgasm.
I am still sad and mostly angry. The end happened on the phone which I suppose is appropriate as that is how our relationship started -though I am still bristled by the fact that he was too much of a coward to actually talk to me face to face. I suppose it would have been very difficult for him to do that as he couldn't even discuss the issue that led to his calling this quits. If you can't talk to your partner about things and are in relationship apathy...then the only thing left to do is let the other person know you've already checked out.
The surprise of it all was shocking. The fact that he picked a fight with me while we (or at least I) was HAMMERED- I mean drunk beyond drunk - was ridiculous to me and really just speaks to his cowardice. Then there was the pulling away and the manipulation (AGAIN!!!!) about needing time to think if he wants this relationship or not. We're not young, we're in our mid to late 30's - this isn't rocket science and if you can't figure out after 5 months if you want to be with someone then the very least you can do is be honest and end things - not hide behind undiscussed issues and ask once more for time away to think.
I want to lash out, I want to confront him and demand that he grow a pair of balls to discuss this with me face to face but know that it's useless. The one thing I learned very well about Jordan is that he will NEVER do anything he doesn't want to do - not ever. If he doesn't want to deal with an issue - he won't. In this situation his pride is far too big for him to even acknowledge me. I suppose what hurts the most is knowing that he never did care for me at all - I really was just some girl, another in-between girl- enjoying my affection,sex, company, but not really caring about ME specifically. To him I could have been anyone. I was convenient I suppose as he met me through his friend and it seemed perhaps the thing to do, to move to Calgary and to have a girlfriend after years of being single. Maybe that should have been my first clue - single for 5 or 8 years ( I could never remember that specific detail) for a man at the age of 38 is pretty unusual and should have served as a warning flag.
Why I continue to let these things happen I just don't know. I don't seek out the In Between Girl status. I don't WANT to be just enjoyed and then put away on the shelf, I want and deserve to be pursued, cared for and loved for ME - not just because I am am convenient or have a vagina...but for ME-Kathy-specifically.
It wouldn't surprise me if Jordan decides to move back to Regina. There is no job for him here, the dirty secret of our relationship exposed to 3 people in his social circle (and he admits he can't even describe his embarrassment around that) - I would think his pride too large to endure staying in Calgary to try to make a life.
Vindictively there is a part of me that really enjoys that Chrissy knows about the issue between Jordan and I as I'm quite certain Jordan had a crush on Chrissy and now won't seek to pursue her in light of her knowing the dysfunction.
Too bitter? I suppose the rawness has yet to subside.
So I'm single once more. I am resisting the urge to just go out and pick up some random person and have meaningless sex just to make myself feel better but it's hard - especially when I have used sex as a healing measure before. Still...falling into old habits won't help me and I need to just focus on getting a new job and a new place to live and continuing to get healthy.
Happiness is just around the corner...all I have to do is be brave and face it.
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