Emotional Napalm

I can't decide if being an emotional person is one of my best qualities or one of my very worst qualities.

I was feeling like I was moving on - feeling like I was in control of the whole Jordan breaking my heart thing and then I saw him this past Tuesday. An effort on his part to be brave and give me closure and maybe figure out a way to slide this into the friend zone.

Well my little chickens...it was awful. I can't figure out what I am right now...hurt or angry? A good dose of both I suppose which makes for one minute of crying by the next minute of wanting to punch everything.

I keep going over and over things that were said both on Tuesday and in the last few weeks of our relationship. Here are the things that repeat in my ears - trapping me in my agony.

3 weeks ago Jordan had eye surgery and I stayed to look after him and entertain him. We had a great night full of sex - now he still didn't reach orgasm but it was playful and fun and with him writhing under my touch and moaning etc etc I was feeling pretty good about the pleasure he was receiving. Now...switch to Tuesday when he said that I never tried to please him sexually. WTF???

I guess giving head, touching, caressing, having sex, stripping, dancing, doing ALL of the sort of normal sexual things in a relationship was me NOT trying to please him sexually. What did he need from me??? I would ask him "Show me how to touch you", I would ask him to actually masturbate in front of me so if only so that we could share in his orgasm instead of me giving him one myself. He refused. Said it was dirty or not nice to look at or something like that. What MORE could I have done? Did he need me to turn into his mother? a 6 year old little girl? a 14 year old boy? a man??? I am LIVID that he would even SUGGEST that I wasn't trying to please him when *I* was the ONLY one trying to do that in our experiences together.

I know what you're thinking little chickens and I KNOW I'm better off without him. For a man at the age of 38 to not be able to openly communicate his sexual needs with his partner is not the sort of man that could ever truly make me happy.

I am also pissed and hurt at the language Jordan used on Tuesday. He KNOWS I pay attention to words and I know he wasn't choosing his without care. He kept repeating that was sorry for HOW things ended between us. I think he said it 4 or 5 times on Tuesday each time with the emphasis on HOW. I knew he was trying to let me know very subtly that this wasn't him trying to come crawling back to me but rather just letting me know that he ended things poorly...but that he is glad that he did in fact end them.

*sigh* I am mostly just so angry at myself for once more getting involved with a can of dented green beans! I am getting far too old to keep putting up with immature, sexually repressed, cowardly men!!!

No one told me it was a race to meet your 'mate' in your 20's. No one told me that once you hit your 30's, but most especially your mid 30's that it's damn near IMPOSSIBLE to meet a man who hasn't let his past relationships damage him to the point where he can't figure out a good one when he sees it.

Jordan was quick to say that he couldn't live with me because he's allergic to my dog. Who was he trying to fool?? We could have worked around it - getting a place where the dog could be outside. The place I'm in is unhealthy I admit it. The dust is crazy, the heat vents blow the cat dander from upstairs right down into my apartment and the ventilation here is awful. He never even wanted to TRY.

Soon I will be over the hardest part and I will look back and realize that I was far too good for him and he never appreciated me and I'm better off without him etc etc etc. But right now, right in this moment I still have feelings for Jordan and I can't just shelve them as easily as he could shelve me.

Oh how I do envy the people who can just flip their emotional switches on and off! I wish I weren't so sensitive but that I could still feel things. My capacity for love is never anything I'm going to apologize for but I do wish I could process my feelings just a bit better so I don't feel so bombarded by them.