I was presented with an opportunity to see Jordan tonight in a social situation. I declined. I was so happy for the forewarning though because I would have lost my nut if I showed up and he was there.
When I found out he was going to attend tonight's dinner I cried. Why am I not able to put this aside? It's been 2 months since the break up and I am still stupid hung up on this guy!!! I still feel hurt and angry and the worst of this is that I KNOW he doesn't give a shit. He has moved on...though I suppose that is an erroneous statement - he wasn't ever actually IN the relationship with me. If you're not attached there is nothing to move on from.
It just reinforces my breakup beliefs. After sex you have to do a face to face break up and you should always be respectful. It doesn't have to be a big long drawn out event but you really do need to be respectful and honest. Jordan failed on all these points.
I know he's a douchebag. I know he's emotionally stunted, a momma's boy and likely his entire sexual dysfunction is wrapped up in his mum. He wouldn't be able to express an honest emotion if it smacked him in his face. He just did and said what he thought was expected of him instead of actually being REAL with himself and others.
I am pissed off at myself that I keep crying over him. I am getting my period tomorrow so I'm going to blame all of this on run away hormones. However, knowing myself the way I do I suspect that the hormones are only 20% of what is going on. I think Jordan was the first person I was really open and honest with and that has made me all the more attached to an idea of what COULD be rather than what actually WAS.
Oh to be a man for one day. To not give a shit how I treat women, to not let myself have any emotional attachment to anything, to fuck whomever I want and be a stud and to have 40 extra pounds and STILL be considered AVERAGE in body type.
Why in 2010 is there still SUCH a crazy double standard for men and women? Well fuck it, I'm not going to allow this.
There is a part of me that just wants to show up and to show him I'm not bothered but at the very end of the day - it doesn't matter. He's not thinking of me, he's not caring what I do or don't do and so my efforts are only counterproductive to being true to myself.
Fuck Jordan - he's not worth one more mention. Ever.
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