So I've been thinking a while about the types of men I have been dating in the last 6 or 7 years. I've been thinking a LOT about it lately and it's taken up quite a bit of my spare time and even quite a bit of the time I don't have to spare.
I have realized that I keep dating guys who seem to have a dark and twisty side to them and who have been through something quite profound in their past that leave them the dented cans of green beans that I picked up off the shelf. After a quick review the incidents are: parental issues (Ronan and Jordan), relationships that ended disastrously (Don, Robert, and Jordan) and men who for whatever reason can't seem to TRUST anyone (Miguel and Jordan). Have you noticed anything?? I have. Jordan is in ALL THREE CATEGORIES!!!
Egads!
Having said that I just seem to be drawn to wordy guys who seem to be too far into their heads and too far disconnected from their hearts.
I am wondering if this is a sort of 'opposites attract' factor. I am often far too in my heart and not enough in my head. I struggle to make decisions and I give 2nd and 3rd and sometimes even 5th chances!!! It isn't a bad thing for my capacity to love and forgive and to be so genuine in my emotions...it is, however, not acceptable when I allow these qualities to become excuses for men treating me poorly.
There comes a time when everyone must grow up - not just mentally but also emotionally. Well my little chickens...the time is now for me.
I am about to embark on the greatest risk and change I have ever made in my life. I have spent 3 sleepless weeks struggling with what to do and all the time worrying if a move back home would lessen my chances of finding my mate. Well...fuck it.
Fuck men and fuck relationships and most of all fuck all the 'what if's'! This has to end at some point...there has to be a time when *I* live for the NOW! For what I know that I can do to take care of ME and to not just live for NOW but to live for LIFE and to make the decision and realization that the only person who is going to be looking out for ME and MY future is ME. There is no one else.
Dented cans of green beans are only going to keep me down and keep me wondering why I can't seem to see the quality good but only pick up the damaged ones. Dented cans of green beans can't see past their own hurts to embrace life and more importantly to embrace the life and joy that I exude.
So I've decided to stop shopping for a while, I am not even going to be heading down to the local corner shop for some instant gratification.
Side Note...I might have picked up a lil' somethin' somethin' earlier this week that left me satisfied and my sexual self confidence back on top! I have no idea if he is a dented can of green beans or not we didn't exactly get into anything deep that wasn't physically related ;)
So here it is - a decision to move back, a decision to go back to school and though I'm risking some 50K worth of debt I am also feeling pretty good that the schooling is getting me closer and closer to my dream of having a holistic place of work and really working with my passion of healing.
Am I scared...oh yeah. Am I excited...definitely. There is an entire grocery list of things I need to do to make all of this happen - including figure out if I'm going to be laid off from work or if I have to take the move back and work for a year or if I have to quit :( A LOT of decisions still to go through and a LOT of items I need to put ON the list and then scratch OFF the list.
I've had a great adventure here in Calgary and I think I've really learned a LOT about myself and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I keep getting put into positions where I start towards my goal and then I take steps backwards. I am now determined to walk firmly, strongly and purposefully towards my dreams of the H3 project and I refuse to let dented cans of green beans get in my way.
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