Gingerlicious

Alright so not as posed as Tina Louis, but y'know...you can't have it all.

If you look closely you can see that my TV is sporting the word "VIRGIN" I wonder what that means???

What do you think of the colour?? Matches my eyes n'est pas?

Island Ginger

This is "Ginger Grant" - dark lustrous red hair...the lipstick is a bit much but it's really the hair you need to pay attention to here.

Gingerlicious!

I am going to be posting picture proof soon, but for now you have to take my word for it. I am GINGERLICIOUS! Oh yesss. Red Hair baby!

My friend Shaylah has just graduated from an esthetics school where she has become a MASTER of hair and make up. She is currently charge welllllll below average prices for transforming the rest of us into the Best US we can be. I have a great hair cut and have been taking some make-up lessons and now...NOW I have RED HAIR!

It's not just any red. Not "I think we're alone now" red. (Thank you Malcolm The Eye Guy), not "You've got some s'plainin' to do" red...Gilligan, Marrianne, the Captain and The Professor TOO Red. Ginger. Ginger was my favourite.

Ok...so I have probably only watched about 3 episodes...maybe 2....1??? But I do remember her being very luscious...very curvy and EVERY man's fantasy.

Do I think this new hair has transformed me? Not really...but it is very striking against my peachy creamy skin. I have received quite a few appreciative looks from lots of guys. I'm only slightly saddened to tell you that most of them have been from older men. The BEST compliment though was from my colleague Sasha who walked into the office on Monday morning, saw me and exclaimed "Oh Kwerkie! You're BEAUTIFUL".

What an EGO boost! Weeee. I have to say that Sasha is very good looking. Hot even. So coming from her I felt very pretty indeed.

I haven't been able to create the "salon oohhh lah lah" that Shaylah is soooo good at, but I am getting better and playing around with different tools and products. Funny now that I am 32 I am taking more and more interested in being girly. I have mastered the Day Look of make up. I look like I'm not wearing much make up at all - all very light and airy. The Evening Look is something I am working on, I've never been one for much make up so I find applying darker shades a bit daunting - god knows I don't need to look like some sort of painted whore.

I will post Ginger and myself as Gingerliscious very soon.

Bon Soire!

Decisions Decisions Decisions

Rightyoh! It's D day.

Well...to be honest, D day happened a while ago.

I finally broke up with Mattias. It's been rough...and we still talk. Had a bit of a set back last week when we did hang out and then...well...yup. Not proud - just sharing. Hard to believe that I can't just seem to quit this guy. I think it's because for the first time in a long time I was in a relationship that was 90% friendship before anything else morphed into our relationship.

Having said that, our relationship wasn't nearly as romantic as I would have liked it to be. Sure he was sweet and said lovely things to me all the time, but there was that certain 'je ne c'est quas' that was missing.

I think that many men equate Romance with large Expensive gestures. I would have to say that whereas a lovely romantic meal out or a bouquet of flowers (no roses for me thanks...please ensure there are a few Gerberra Daisies though) or even a piece of jewlrey are lovely and do in fact cost $$, Romance doesn't have to be all Grand nor does it have to be Costly.

I can think of a particular romantic night I had with Bentley. I arrived at his place and was greeted with such a tender hug and a lingering kiss that I melted. After taking my coat he led me into the bathroom where a lovely hot bubble bath was waiting for us - candles lit and wine waiting. We disrobed, sank into the tub and it was sooo luxurious to relax and talk quietly and sweetly to each other as the bubbles crinkled around us. Total cost might be $20.00 (wine + bubble bath).

2 1/2 Years and 4 Men later I am still saddened over the ending of Nelson and I. Ridiculous really as we were together only a short 4 months. He has somehow stuck so deeply into my heart that I haven't been able to shed him. Like a sliver that my body has absorbed but not done away with.

I have to decide when I want to go to Calgary. Will I do it at the end of this work season? I feel badly for my office...not that I am thinking I'm irreplaceable - but I think it will be difficult to leave them knowing that Gerald will probably retire this year and then the 2 new girls will be alone with Seamus (my boss).

Do I give them one more year? Go in 2008 and then start my life over in Calgary at the ripe age of 33? Surely by then Seamus would have hired someone else to replace Gerald and the 2 new girls will have a year under their belts and then they'd only have to deal with 1 newbie.

I don't want to make this decision lightly. I am worried that I am putting my sadness at my lack of love life/family life ahead of a smart career move.

I would like an easy button of my own.

PRESS

*poof* Mr. Right appears and we fall deeply madly in love, spend a few years on our own before having a family before I"m 38.

*sigh* If only it were that easy.

I don't want to "settle". I want it to be REAL. And as the Supremes have taught us "You can't hurry love".

As for the links...I don't even know how to manually put them in - Sonny did that for me.

I'm a technological peasant!

My Life needs an Enima!

Right! I've been constipated on the issue of Mattias for far too long. It's time to shit or get off the pot.

I've decided that a change in the appearance of The Single Files was needed. After looking through Lady K's blog and LOVING the changes she's made there...I thought it was high time to switch things around here.

No more Kwerkie the Kermit....on to Kwerkie the Klassy.

To be a class act I shall have to do some major overhauling.

1) Thursday is D day for Mattias and I. I can't give any more and I need a lot more than he is giving. It's not a suprise - we have been doing the 'this isn't working' dance for a while now and it's time that I grew up and just took care of it.

My friend Jordie said something to me the other day that I can't stop thinking about. "Is the fucking you're having worth the fucking you're getting" - a bit of redneck philosophy to make me realize that all the issues that are between Mattias and I are NOT worth all the stress.

I KNOW relationships are work. I KNOW there needs to be give and take...but the point is to find a bit of a balance - I no longer feel that this see-saw game is safe for me. I am aware that this sounds like a fairweather lover point of view, but let's be honest here - I'm not likely to get the end product I want - ie KID(s) of my own - why hang on to something that isn't what I want? It's like those silly green high heels I bought in the Spring and never wore nor returned.

2) I am afraid that I am becoming a bit jaded in my perception of people in general. The clique that I hang out with have some good 'keepers' in there but I am getting more and more disgruntled with the amount of immature bullshit that seems to be teaming through it. In particular I am saddened that my friendships with some people seem to be have been built on smoke and mirrors.

I can barely deal with my OWN emotional napalm let alone someone else's and I am getting more and more bored with the attempts at self gratification and manipulation that I see others doing.

I need to be on my own for a while. I need to cave a bit. I need to get a bit of a firmer stance on the ground so that I don't just fly off the handle at any old thing.

I am thinking about taking a self defence class. I think it will help me in a few ways - but mostly to be a bit less sensitive and emotional. Sometimes I cherish my openess with my feelings...other times it just seems to get me ito more trouble and heartache then necessary.

Does anyone have any advice for become a cold hearted bitch? Perhaps just a bit more guarded??

And...how do you like the new look?

And...how do I add my links back??

Sweet & Sour - I'm a phreakin' Meatball!

I’m too nice to the point of being an absolute bitch.

Hey- don’t furrow your brows like that…it makes sense….just think about it.

I am being really nice to Mattais lately. Too nice. Which is why when I go 100% Cold Turkey on him it’s going to seem like some sort of Cybil moment. It’s not…it’s just that I’m too nice and then when I put my foot down…it comes off like I’m a mega bitch. Which will ALL know is just not true…if I’m a mega ANYTHING it’s a Megalomaniac!

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be friends with my exs. It’s too hard…there’s too much demand on my time and I can’t stand it. I need to just start saying NO.

What seems to be my issue here? Why is it that I have to make sure it all comes out roses? Sometimes a relationship dies and it should just be left alone. We’re both great people, but I don’t want to BE with him anymore. I KNOW he’s not the one for me and I refuse to ‘rescue’ him.

When we broke up I initially felt it hard. We talked a LOT. There were still about 4-7 calls per day and we even met for lunch once during the week. Then it was just too easy to fall back into the swing of things…back into meeting for lunch, back into 6-12 calls per day and then back into bed again.

NO NO NO NO NO! ENOUGH.

How will EITHER of us move on if we are still doing EVERYTHING that couples do? I know that most of this is my fault. I’m a phreakin’ push over. I think I need to take a self defense class. If I know I can kick the shit out of someone I think it would be easier for me to just say no. Also, Mattias fed my ego…and my stomach. 18lbs gained since we started dating. No I’m NOT suggesting that he’s a Feeder. But…there was some recreational pharmaceuticals consumed and I ALWAYS get the munchies…for really really bad icky things. Then between work and trying to see him I haven’t been to the gym. MY FAULT I know.

Soooo. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO ENOUGH!

BACK to the gym with me- (hoorah for day 1)

STOPPING the phone calls, texts and other things with Mattias. COLD TURKEY. On to meatballs.

Let's Make A Deal

So after my last few dating experiences I thought it was time to really think about and define what my Deal Breakers are.

We all have them, and some of them are fairly common and made good sense. Infidelity; for example, is pretty much my # 1 Deal Breaker, followed closely by Lying, Criminal Behavior, Assholia (treating people like crap just cuz they can) and Not Wanting Any Children.

It's pretty heavy and I know it must read like all I want to do is go out and get married and have a baby. It is a bit more complicated than just that. Not just any guy will do y'see. And I don't want to jump right from Girlfriend to Wife to Mum in under 4 years - that is just folly!

I look at my oldest brother and his wife and they have been together since 1993. That is 13 years!!! Their marriage has lasted longer than my parent's did and they still seem to really be in love with each other. It's not like they don't have their moments or frustrations or times when they may be contemplating murdering each other.

Sometimes the idea of being with the same person for more than 2 years frightens me. Could I really have my interest kept for that long? I've never had the opportunity to test it out...2yrs was the longest relationship I ever had...and it was built all on lies lies lies.

Anyway...I'm getting away from the topic at hand here. Deal Breakers.

1) Infidelity
2) Lying
(I know they seem to go hand in hand but sometimes they don't...so a separate category was necessary)
3) Kids - I don't mind if they have a child but I do really want to at least TRY to have a baby of my own. If it's off the shelf then I can't put my heart on it.
4) Smoking - I know I know...I have dated a few smokers (Mattias as the most recent) and I just can't do it anymore. It's bad enough they want to poison themselves, I don't have to be a part of that. (Aren't reformed smokers the worst?? I know! I'm one of them!P).
5) Obstinance - I"'m the bossy one....I can't be bossed around (much)
6) Distance. This one is tricky. Mattias lives 76kms away...I am sans vehcile so it was always him coming out to see me or us meeting up after work as we both worked downtown. It's crazy how far away 76kms really is.

I think I'm a very easy going person and I tend to let a lot of things slide - probably TOO many things slide.

I vow to be a bit more picky....no more comprimising myself into an unhealthy relationship or away from my dreams.

And NO....I don't want to have a baby right now....or even 9 months from now - but it's sort of in my 5-8year plan.

The change is starting....hair first....glasses next...what will happen after that? You'll have to stay tuned!

Shut up WhiteSnake!

So here I go again on my own.
Goin' down the only road I"ve ever known.
Like a drifter I was- I SAID.....SHUT UP WHITESNAKE!

*sigh* So of course Mattias and I have ended our romantic dalliance. It was coming for a while and to be honest, it was the very nicest break up I have ever had.

It started innocent enough - he was asking how my brother and sister-in-law were doing now that their baby has come into the world 2 1/2 weeks early. It morphed into the "We both know Kwerkie wants kids" talk....and then pretty soon we were sitting there with this ENORMOUS elephant in the room which we both refused to acknowledge.

Kwerkie "Do you see that great big elephant sitting over there?"

Mattias "Oh...you mean that large Grey Affrican with the floppy ears and extra long trunk?"

Kwerkie "Oh...is that what that is? An Affrican Grey?

Mattias "You tell me....I dont' see it"

And there it was....over. It ended with lots of cuddling and he even stayed the night...in my bed. And nothing happened. Well...we did cuddle. There was no nookie or wookie or nose biting or anything to suggest that we were lovers.

I melted down a wee bit in the morning when he gave me back my keys. The fact that we haven't really stopped talking to each other still seems a bit odd. We were talkers....5-8 times a day when we didn't see each other....and at least 3-5 times during the day PRIOR to meeting up. We were all about talking. And we talked about everything.

LadyK even made the comment that Mattias was the closest personality match to myself and that she could totally understand why I was attracted to him both physicaly and mentally.

*sigh*

It's a bit silly...but I know that he isn't the one for me so that makes me feel a bit better. There are changes coming...moving most likey to a cheaper place so I can save some $$ and then .....brace yourself....Calgary in 2008.

Maybe I'll get a horse....probably just a dog though - and to be clear I am NOT talking metaphorically.

What a great time...right before my birthday. I must be getting wiser or something.

Positively Negative

I just want to bitch for a minute.

I want to bitch about random things that have been on my mind for a little while and some things that just came to light today.

I want to bitch about people who are the 'other woman' or the 'other man' in an affair. What makes you KNOWINGLY get involved with another person who is either a) married or b) in a relationship? What is the appeal here? Is the attached man/woman THAT attractive that any sense of morals or social etiquette goes right out the window? In the case I am thinking of, the affair has "allegedly" ended but it has actually has had ripple effects and has actually went from being just a 'personal' thing to actually interfering with the 'other persons' business. I wonder what would happen if the 'other person's' BOSS found out.

I want to bitch about ....ahhh forget it. I'm tired of bitching.

It's fall...what mega change is going to take place this year?

Mattias and I are still in the talking stage of the kid discussion. He's 95% 'in'. I"m not sure what that means exactly but for now I'm still having fun.

Work is going GREAT! Big Mega PHAT raise. 3 International Trips on the go and a new Festival in the works that I am organizing. Lots of trips to see teachers but sadly...due to the conflict with my oldest brother and his wife about to have their 2nd child...I will not be going to Alberta to see my favourites.

I toss around the idea of moving to Calgary a lot...but with the way work is going right now and my family expanding...well...it seems that Vancouver will be my home for a while. I keep hearing about all the wonderful fabulous things in Calgary...

I'm turning 32...what the hell happened to My Plan?

all the cards are on the table

So last month was my nephew Noah's 2nd Birthday and of course there was a party and of course my family was there and of COURSE I got to hold Chloe - my 3 month old tiny, perfect little niece!

I was suffering from PMS so I wasn't quite myself...emotional mostly and when I held wee Chloe in my arms...YIKES...the clock went from a quiet little 'tic tic tic' to a 9 O'Clock gun BOOM! Later that day I went out wtih Mattias and was a bit sullen...the realization that yes...I really really want to have kids one day was weighing very heavy on my mind. I was, afterall, dating a guy who has five kids already.

Ok...so naturally Mattias asked me what was keeping me so quiet and I told him. I laid all my cards out on the table. Yes, I want to have a baby some day. The problem with this statement is that although I know I would like to have a baby...I KNOW that I don't want to have one right now but what I am thinking is in the next 5 years. I'm turning 32 this year and as much as people tell me that having babies at 40yrs old is not that big of a deal, I know that for myself, I would love to have a baby before the age of 37. That gives me just over 5 years to be in a relationship that is loving and supportive and all the things that I want to be there in a relationship in order to HAVE a baby..and well...it doesn't seem like that much time to me.

So Mattias took it all in stride and said that he's not saying NO but he's not saying YES to actually the idea of WANTING more kids. Ok...I could accept that. We are still building OUR relationship.

Fast forward one month. Yesterday Mattias & I had a talk. Though he couched the terms in "still not made up my mind" the fact that it's been ON his mind since we spoke in AUG has sent some warning bells off for me. He kept saying things like "IF only I met you 12 years ago" and "I'm in the home stretch...I have 11 more years until the Twins are adults".

I am really strugging with this. This would be a deal breaker for me. I WANT to have a baby. If he never waivers from the fence...I don't think I can give up my dream of having a family.

There is, of course, the argument that he has 5 children and IF Mattias and I stay together than I will have a large family even if none of the kids are my own. This sounds nice and all very Hallmark movie of the week...but let's face it people. I can be a very selfish woman and in this, I am not willing to make that sacrifice.

It's interesting this has come up actually because there is a lot of baby talk and talk about raising children going on in my life. I feel like this is the universe asking me some tough questions to see if I am actually UP for the challenge.

It's not just about genetics. It's about the whole experience. Being pregnant...feeling the child grow inside me, pushing it out into the world, raising a child that is half my dna, being a hockey mum (oh come on...you KNOW that a child of mine will be playing hockey!).

I can't help but think...how long do I continue to date Mattias and get even closer to him only to find out 5 years down the road that my dreams of having a child are over? I don't know what to do!

I'm really torn...I love haning out with Mattias...he's hillarious and we do a lot of fun things togeher - have you noticed I've been quiet on here? It's mostly due to the fact that I'm often OUT having a life and having fun and many of my nights are spent with Mattias.

Maybe what I can do is break up with Mattias now and try to get over him and then suddenly when I'm not looking again someone will come along , sweep me off my feet and have a family.

This is NOT a discussion I wanted to have within the first 6 months of dating anyone. Shouldn't this sort of thing just happen naturally?

Umm...is it my imagination

or have I suddenly dropped off the face of the world again???

I've had two blissfully distracted weeks off from work and I pretty much didn't do too much.

I've been having 'supervised' babysitting with my nephew Xander who is soooo cute I could just totally eat him up! He's 16month old and though he tries....his communication skills are just a bit rudimentary and I can't really understand a lot of what he's trying to say.

I'm practicing for when my brother and his wife go in the hospital in OCT to deliver baby #2 into the world. We are all fairly certain that she is going to have to have a C-Section so there may be a period of up to 4 or 6 days when I will have to be living at their house looking after Xander by myself.

He seems to have taken to playing with me very well and lets me feed him and change his icky diapers...it's the putting down to sleep that we seem to be having a total breakdown with. I am sure that this weekend will be much better as I will actually be ALONE with him and he'll have to choice but to go to sleep for me and he'll KNOW that his parents are NOT at home.

So then a near week spent with Mattias and his kids and the chaos that can occur when there are FIVE chillins around and yet...yet I am still convinced I want to huff and puff and squeeze one of them out of my own body...somehow.

I want to really take a look at what is going on with Mattias and I. I feel myself getting very soppy and all gooey around him and then this shadow...a ghost of a thought crosses my cerebral cortex and I wonder if I'm gooey for the right reasons.

I don't want to be that girl that falls for the guy that has the kids and wants more kids just because he has that mind set. I want to be the girl that falls for the guy who just HAPPENS to have kids.

To be honest I feel that it's really the latter and not the former. I mean...it's not my dream to fall in love with a man who lives over 70 kms away, smokes nearlhy 2 packs of ciggarettes a day and has five half grown kids.

I think I just need to let this happen. Take deep breaths and just let this happen.

Not kidnapped...but definitely kid friendly

I know it's been ages since I've posted but there have been SOOOO many things going on.

Firstly....I was in Costa Rica for 21 days and there was no way I was going to waste my time and money in an internet cafe posting about how crazy I was to miss Mattias as we weren't together that long etc.

Secondly...as soon as I came back from Costa Rica I was away again on 2 more work trips and so I was trying to just get back to me, back to Mattias to see if things can progress with us and just generally catching back up.

Alrighty....there are farrrrr too many details to try and sqeeze in here so let me just give you the jist of it.

1) Costa Rica was FABULOUS and I once again can't say how fabulous it is to work in a job that lets me travel and do what I love and just be happy in general.

2) Mattias and I racked up a $600.00 phone bill while I was away...and we talked for 2 weeks straight when I got back just to catch up. Things are going VERY well between us and I am trying to keep things in check and not get all swept up in things.

3) The Kids. I love them....they are all unique and have very distinct and different personalities...especially the twins! I think they really like me too so that is cool. I play with them and I also have been disciplining them (normal stuff like "stop hitting your sister" and "take your brothers head out of the toy box"). I made them all eat alllllll their veggies before giving them a fudgcicle.

So yeah...I admit it....I have been day dreaming about what it might be like to be with Mattias and all the kids in the future....sort of a Brady Bunch episode only I don't bring my own kids into the mix seeing as I don't have any.

I may have babysat over the years all ages of kids from infants to 12yr olds...but this isn't the same. It's not just a job or one night...this would be much much bigger than that. I'd be lying to say that this doesn't intimidate me to some degree...but I also love a challenge.

On Sunday I thought it would be a great idea to go to Aldergrove Lake and let the kids splash around and we'd have a picnic lunch and all will be well. Grea idea right???

Ok...so I get the kids to help me get some stuff together and I am feeling pretty chuffed with myself. Mattias gets our stuff together and was figuring out the vehicle situtation and it all looked like it's coming along well. We get to the lake and let the kids loose and we splash and play with them too. Pretty soon it's lunch time. Left over hamburgers and salad from dinner the night before. Hmmm...great. I failed to pack any ketchup or mustard for the burgers, no plates and only 4 forks for the salad and the best part....NO Napkins or Papertowels or anything to wipe their faces with. I did bring iced-tea and cups....thank god!

It seemed to work out OK but I realized that there is no such thing as playing domestic. I should have made a list but thought I could just whip it together. Mattias was helping as well so it's not like I was trying to do this all on my own but I was in charge of the food and he was in charge of vehicles, towels and toys.

Yeah...I felt pretty bad for fogetting what I am sure seems like the basics...but I had little helpers that were making more mess than actually helping. The funny thing was...I wasn't annoyed about it! It was bizzare!!! I'm sure it might wear off but he's a good Dad and it's not like I"m watching some Dead Beat Dad or Ignorant Mum NOT watch their kids or dump them on me etc.

Mattias has talked to me about his fears that I'm going to get bored with him and the kids or that I'll miss my single life style or that I'll just decide that FIVE kids is wayyy too much to handle AND date etc.

Well...I like spending time with Mattias and it's very easy and relaxed and things seem to be going in a direction that I like. This is NOT a race...let's just see what happens...no rushing into things....just seeing.

Instant Potatoes...Instant Gratification...Instant Mum???

Ok...so I've not been as forthcoming with a lot of Mattia's details for a few reasons. Mostly I just didn't want everyone to suddenly scream RED FLAG! five times.

I'm sure you are wondering why you'd say it 5 times. Perhaps I think you'd say it once for every child he has. Yes...that's right...Mattias has 5 children. He got his girlfriend pregnant when they were both teenagers. He married her to 'do the right thing' and so his oldest boy is now 14. 2 years into the marriage they split up and then divorced. He then met another woman and was together with her for 7 years and had 2 children, then split with her...but in one drunken night they got back together in the bedroom and....WHAM...along came twins. He ended up staying with her for 11 years in total. He never married the mother of his 4 other children and has been split from her for a few years so I feel OK about dating him.

So in order they are : Darrin 14yrs old, Luke 10, Marry 8, Jack and Emma turning 6 on Tues.

I got to meet Luke, Marry and Emma today and they are, in a word, ADORABLE. They seemed to like me too so that was alright. I was COMPLETELY nervous and when Emma grabbed my hand to walk with me and she discovered; much to my embarassment, that my hand was all sweaty! teehee. Ah well.

We had a very nice night and it was all very cool. Mattias and I were completely hands off so there was no wierd moments etc and I was introduced to his kids as 'a good friend'. I will spend the day with them tomorrow and will be meeting Darrin as well.

I don't know what to make of it really. I was very nervous but it worked out all right. When Emma held my hand I just melted. Marry was awesome as well and I really did try to make sure that I gave all of them my attention equally. That was surprisingly challenging as they were all asking me different questions at the same time.

Am I ready to be a sort of instant Mum? I know I'm not their Mum and I don't want to BE their Mum, but it may take me a while to get used to the whole package deal here. It's not just the whole meal deal...it's Super Sized with FIVE children!

I'm going to keep an open mind and just see how things go. I get stupid giddy just even talking to Mattias so I would kinda like to keep him around.

I'll keep ya posted!

Zen and other states of bliss

So I've decided to just wing it. Yup...that's right...no plan, no thinking (well...not OVER thinking anyway) and just let it BE! I'm enjoying the time I spend with Mattias and it doesn't hurt that he's a wicked kisser (yumm) and that he makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts!

We've been seeing quite a bit of each other and it's always very relaxed and very fun. Will we be able to hold out until NOV to have sex??? I doubt it. Let's just say that the way the making out sessions have been going...and the fact that I leave for Costa Rica in T Minus 3 days...well...I suspect that we will be swapping a bit more than just spit in the very near future.

Now....this brings me to another tangent.

Sex...specifically orgasms and in detail...mine and the lack thereof.

I've entered another slump in the sack. Maybe I've been damaged since the bent wookie episode. I haven't been able to reach orgasm since! No toys, no fantasies, no memories seem to be doing the trick. Granted I had a period of 2 weeks where I was feeling decidedly UNsexy and then I had my period...but still...wtf???

After last Sat and the serious make out session with Mattias...I went to bed and thought I'd just finish myself off so that I could a) stop being so phreakin' frustrated and b) sleep. Well...I ended up just making myself MORE frustrated by getting soooo sooo sooooo close and not being able to crest over the edge that sleep completely elluded me that night.

Mattias and I have fooled around quite a bit and I'm sure you're not surprised to learn that he's had a number of orgasms and yet despite his valliant, persistant and rather thorough efforts...I have not been able to squish my face up, make completely incoherent noises and feel my muscles spasm in the most delicious way!

*le sigh* I think I need to stop thinking about that too.

Be careful what you wish for...

So I am recently discovering that when you shake your fist at The Universe it tends to wrap your knuckles pretty hard.

After the weirdness with Max, I said the following outloud to The Universe : "I am taking a break from men, dating and sex for about 6 months."

This seemed like a logical thing to do. I want to take some time to get back to me, get back to the gym, get back to kickin' some butt at work and just take time for myself. I get cranky when I try to spread myself too thin....work, family and friend commitments...sometimes I just need some serious ME time.

Sooo...about 1 week after I said this we had a Softball Tournament and Matias was one of our subs. He's a nice guy, very cute, very funny and all I could think of was "No phreakin' way! I"m taking a break".

Though I was pleasant to Mattias and extended him all the comraderie that I do with the other people on my team, I didn't make any other special efforts to include him in conversation or even flirt with him. I was taking a break.

Most of us on the ball team belong to an online social club. It's like a message board and we often have get togethers and organize things like softball teams, curling teams, sea wall walks etc etc. It's a great bunch of people and I've met some serious Keepers through this site. (No, it's not a dating site).

As we're talking about this Mattias asks about it and I offer to invite him into our little Clique. (teehee). So I do. Mattias comes on board and is nearly a full fledged member of our Softball Team. We have been flirting outrageously for a week.

I am still not sure I want to be dating...but it is fun to flirt and he makes it soooo easy. Calls me Beautiful and Pretty Lady and has even given me gifts of high quality clothes! He calls me...he texts me and it's very easy to call and text him back and just flirt flirt flirt.

And here is the kicker. I LIKE that he calls and texts and is flirty with me. I like that he says he looks forward to talking to me.

Soo...wtf?? Universe!! I thought you WANTED me to take a break. Is this a test? Should I be walking away from this to show you how strong I can be? Or are you telling me to stop being silly and stop cutting myself off from fun and happiness?

I really want to be all Winnie The Pooh about this. When I stop looking for it isn't it supposed to just show up? Has Mattias just shown up?

Shouldn't this be harder? I'm suspicious that it's too easy.

It actually WORKED!

So this past weekend I had a softball tournament. We totally sucked ass at the tourney but we all had a LOT of fun and laughs and of course beer. But the BEST part of the weekend was actually getting over what I had not been able to before.

I did it. ON Thurs I really did wash that guy right out of my hair!!

Max came to ball on Friday and though he ignored me until the 5th inning in the end...I didn't care. I went over at the end of the game to talk to him, we hugged it out and *poof* just like that....I was done!

He played with us all day Sat and then I saw him at Sin City on Sat night WITH Peggy and *poof* just like that...I was OK. Peggy even helped me out with my boots and I didn't have a single urge to kick her in the head! It was like magic! I just let it go and I feel soooo much better for it.

Maybe it's because on Thurs night I made a decision to NOT date anyone for 6 months. I am just not wanting to put myself out there right now and to be honest, I'm really busy with work and ball and lots of summer social things. I have no time to date or get to know someone intimately.

If someone *AMAZING* comes along in the interim...fine. However, I'm not looking and I'm not actively doing anything to meet anyone and I'm totally OK with that.

I think I need to take longer showers more often!

All in a lather

Alright. I admit it. I can’t seem to let this one go and even thought I KNOW it’s silly and a complete waste of my time…I just haven’t been able to shake Max out of my system. Maybe I just need to take a long shower. Go all South Pacific on this one and ‘wash that man right out…”. Problem is…I like him. I’ve liked him (all very secret squirrel like) for a while (since January if I want to be totally honest). I think what I am objecting to the most is the bad drunk sex…I won’t get a do-over in a proper way and it bugs me.

In other news…LadyK is moving away and this makes me very sad. For completely selfish reasons of course…but this is my blog so I can be selfish if I want!

Before LadyK moves she is going on a 2 month adventure to Gay Paris! Oooh La La! (start reading this with an Inspector Clusseax accent).

Madame K will goh tu Paris and ….uhhh…’ow you say visit wid TinFoil. Zen she will be gohing tu all ze art muzeeums et cafés and be drinking wine and eating of the…ummm…’ow you zay cheeses??

I must admit to being a bit envious of LadyK and her exciting adventure. However, let me qualify that by saying that 1) this is going to be sooooo good for her and 2) I am happy that she is taking on this exciting journey for herself.

I guess that’s one trait I am very proud of. I actually DO want the best for my friends and loved ones. This isn’t just lip (or finger) service…this is the real meal deal. The reason I mention this is that I believe THIS is the reason why I haven’t been able to let go of Peggy’s comments to me.

I may have failed to mention that Peggy wrote me an email asking about the status between Max and I so that she can ‘emotionally prepare’ herself for what might occur during our camping trip. (10 of us went camping). I couldn’t help but interpret this to mean ‘don’t date Max’. And it was reinforced when we went camping and Max opted out of sleeping in my tent so that Peggy wouldn’t be ‘uncomfortable’.

At the end of Peggy’s email came the tag line “…not that I wouldn’t want happiness for my friends”.

Well…let’s just see. Max and I were secretly seeing each other since Whistler. Oh yes…Max is my Whistler Romp. (and it was a great weekend despite the state of the wookie). He was probably spending less time with her than she was used to. After they broke up they continued to be great friends and Max was still over at her place (or she at his) quite often. Sooo...if she wanted him to be happy, why wouldn’t she be happy for him to move on and date someone who was interested in him? Could it be, maybe, just maybe, that even though she didn’t want to date Max anymore, she just didn’t want him to stop doing all the things he was for her?

Maybe I’m off base here, but somehow I suspect I’ve hit the nail on it’s rather large, jealous and manipulative head.

Now. Having said allll of this, let’s not absolve Max of the situation. After all, he’s an adult and can make adult decisions about things pertaining to his own life. By choosing to sleep in Peggy’s tent at camping the message he was sending me is “I’m just not that into you and I’m obviously hoping that Peggy’s jealous fit means she wants me back”.

Max did come to my tent to check on me and to talk to me and to say that things were cool between us (wtf?) and that it was only to give Peggy time to get used to things. Hmmm…do I believe him? Not so much.

So…here is what it boils down to:

1) Peggy only wants what SHE considers to be best for her friends…stuff that works for her. Not altogether altruistic.

2) Max is holding out hope that Peggy will take him back

3) I deserve better than all of it.

Now…where did I put my lovely coconut smelling shampoo???

Kwerkie Karma

Right...I want to talk about accountability.

I know that a lot of people read my blog and 95% of the people that do I happen to know. Some of them are very good friends of mine, some of them are mere aquaintances and some of them I just know by proxy. There are, of course, some that I do not know. Everyone is welcome to read this.

I'm not ashamed of what I say on here and I don't believe that I spew any venom on this site. I want to be pretty clear that The Single Files has never been about making people feel shitty. I actually have a genuine fondness for most people and will treat everyone with kindness, love and respect as I expect to be treated in return. I will trust you until the day you give me reason not to.

HOWEVER. I know that I need to be accountable for the words that come out of my fingers. I know that sometimes; though it may not be my intention, I do hurt people's feelings. Regardless of intent, it happens.

This site (for me) is not about creating stress, hurt or animosity. This is me working my thougths out. Let's face it...over the last 4 months my writing on here, though more prolific, has not been at it's Mae West. I am using The Single Files to have poor me moments a lot lately and to write down some of the things that are bugging me in recent weeks.

If someone whom I know and love were to read this and find something perhaps a bit unfavourable written about them, then the way I see it is they have 2 choices.
1) Talk to me about it privately or in a comment here (fair is fair afterall)
2) Ignore it and understand that whereas I may have written something about them on a certain date at a certain time that it could just be me writting out my thoughts and I may have just sorted out my feelings and no longer hold the negative opinion etc.

Blogs are funny things. They are private thoughts shared publically. Would I be saying these things directly to the people involved?? Sometimes. But as with most things in life, it depends on situations, timing and whether or not I want a resolution.

If you think that I get fairly personal on here...you should read my journal! (well...no one should really...it's my one place to go completely nutzo without any concequences).

So I try to keep things light and airy on here as much as possible while delving into my deeper thoughts/fears/anger on ocasion. This is so that I can continue to keep some of my Kwerkie Karma points.

Read. Comment. But above all : Enjoy.

A funny thing happened on the way to the theatre.

Today I took my Mum out to see "Cabaret" (Currently playing at The Stanley Theatre until mid June). It was a FANTASTIC show! I was impressed with the set, the choreography and the singing!! I couldn't stop tapping my foot along and staring at the costumes wishing I had fluffy panties too.

However, before I get too into my love of burlesque...let me tell you about what happened 5 minutes before I entered the Theatre.

I was walking down the street with my Mum, her arm in mine as I helped her lumber along. I felt pretty...my hair and make up done nicely and I was wearing a lovely spring skirt and somewhat low top that made me feel tres springy...a contrast to the grey day it was outside. So I am confident and feeling good and I happen to catch the eye of a fella walking down the street. We make eye contact, both smile and I wish I could have blushed because he was quite handsome and it would have been cute to be coy.

He's tall, has broad shoulders, chocolate hair, eyes and skin. He had a fabulous smile. He walks by and we both the do turn-around. Nice. I even wink and he waves...we're disgustingly cute and flirty.

And then I walk Mum into the theatre and just smile...feeling good about the flirtyness and happy to leave it as is. I get Mum and some coffees and we flip through the program and talk to fellow patrons. I do love the theatre and hob-nobbing with like minded peeps.

Then something unexpected happens. Mr. Chocolate came into the theatre! Wow...what luck! We smile, he winks, I wave. A part of me wanted to cringe at how juvenile is all seemed. A short pixie like blonde woman comes over, links her arms in his and he leans over and gives her an all encompassing hug all the while making eye contact with me. And then I notice it...his wedding band. Wow...what luck!

So after the show I had some time to reflect on the weeks gone by and I realized that I attract and are equally attracted to, men who are not available for one reason or another. Max is still in love with Peggy, Marco was not ready and Mr. Chocolate was married.

Now I'm not fooling myself into thinking that there was anything that was ever really between any of the aforementioned men, but it DOES make me think (and as we all know, thinking is so important) and here is what I've come up with. STOP THE MADNESS!

That's right...dating is now off the menu. What I am offering instead is a smorgasborg of the following: Softball, Gym, Yoga, Reading and Rollarblading. Most of these involve my friends so I feel very good about still being social and not being all 'cavey'.

Life is a Cabaret Old Chum...Come to the Cabaret!

Eminem's best song...

I haven't really been able to have a Do-Over with Max (as I've decided to call him), nor am I likely to get another chance. Apparently Eminem is right...you DO "only get one chance do not miss your shot"

I did get a semi-do-over...kinda like re-writing a pop quiz that won't actually count towards your grade. It was not the smartest thing I've ever done...makin' on Max in his house while he was HOSTING a birthday party for his ex-girlfriend whom I think he's still very much in love with.

Yeah...how many shots did I drink? Enough to think a) it would be a good idea to flirty madly with him and kiss him and b)that he was actually totally into me and not just going through the motions.

Hmmm...can we guess how this turned out?

At some point in the evening I decided I needed to sober up. This turned out to be the STUPIDEST thing to do in a night of constant disasters! It would have been better if it all happened in a drunken haze...I might have even forgotten about it all.

The Ex-Girlfriend (let's call her Peggy) has a 4yr old son who is at the party and watching all the drinking and debauchery go on. (Do NOT get me started on this) So Brady (the 4yr old) is relegated to Max's room and Peggy goes into his room and lays down. (At first I didn't think anything of this...but now I realize that she was waiting for him to join her....who doesn't want birthday sex? even from someone that you broke up with?)

So Max blows up an air mattress and we share it in the living room. We're making out and he was very cute and bit my nose. Tres cute. We're fooling around and things are nice.
I'm about to cum...like seriously very close to cuming and then...then....Peggy opens up the bedroom door and let's her rat-dog out. So Max stops and I'm left at the very edge and then it's like the air was let out of my balloon. FRUSTRATION! I would like to point out that Max got to have a lot of fun...twice.

My do-over is done!

The next day Max acted very cool towards me and when I called him on it he apologized and explained that he just didn't want to hurt Peggy's feelings...it being her Bday and all.

Soooooo

The week progress and basically....here is the situation. I believe that Max is still in love with Peggy. Peggy is upset with me because I didn't ask PERMISSION (wtf???) to date Max and at the end of the day I have decided that I deserve much better and am moving on.

On-The-Rebound: I can't decipher your cryptic comment, however, I do hope that your day improved and that your original task was completed.

Round and Round and Round it goes...

I am OBSESSING about the bad sex on the weekend. Seriously. I need a Do-Over!

I didn't get into any detail in my previous post so let me share with you just how TERRIBLE it was.

1) I nearly swallowed his nose while we were making out. Y'know...I did the kisses from the collar bone up to his ear...then he turns his head and I turn my head with the full intention of connecting with his lips...only to nearly swallow his nose!

2) We're making out for a while and then it gets pretty passionate and we're ripping each other's clothes off...and I somehow manage to get my arm caught in my tank top and in the attempt to escape I hit him in the face and manage to choke myself at the same time.

3) We're finally Doing It and get into the rhythm of things...it's good...things are going well...until I start to ...y'know,....feel really good...REALLY good...I'm thinking...wow...I'm going to cum here...and then I think...I'll just go faster!!! And then....YOOOOOWWWWWW! He slips out but the motion is still going and then....yeah...ummm....I was done. I bent the wookie!

Funny thing is...I was in more pain than he was!

I can't get over it!!! I keep thinking about how fumbly it was and I keep thinking...wow...how did I get BAD at this?

I need a Do Over.

Seriously.

Even if nothing happens...I can't have him thinking that Saturday night's performance is the best I have!

*sigh*

Do Over.

Weekend of work and play

So this past weekend was the 7th Annual Whistler Music Festival and I was up there with work helping to make sure that everything goes smoothly etc. For the first time ever I had my OWN room up there!!!

Woohooo!!!

Sadly though...Simone has quit and that means a few things. 1) I'm going to miss her and having lunch with her every day. 2) I'm going to be INSANE at work and will have to make sure that I don't take on too much. 3) The atmosphere in the office is going to suck for a while.

The good news is that...yeah...I got my own room!

I had a great time up there though...I invited a friend up to share my room and so he came up a bit late on FRI (8 30pm) and left pretty early on SUN. It wasn't my intention to 'consummate' our friendship...but it kinda just happened anyway. The best part was the cuddling. He's a super fabulous cuddler. The sex...well...I was awful! I was just off my game! He wasn't so bad...but yeah...it was awkward- especially the 2nd time!

So now there is this weirdness between us which is awful! I think we both just got a bit drunk and it was nice to cuddle and be held and it was so comfy between us that well...yeah... Anyway...I’m sure that it will sort itself out soon. I don't regret what happened...I just don't want to repeat it any time soon.

He's younger than me and recently single (no, not divorced or separated) and I know that he was in love with his ex and hasn't been very long since they split. So I just think that I need to give him some time and maybe down the road it will turn into something more...but maybe it was just nice to hold someone who cares about me and to be held in return and just BE.

Done like burnt dinner

So Tues night I finally get a hold of Marco. We had an awkward convo and then I just jumped in with what I really thinking. I asked him to be 100% honest with me at all times and that if he wasn't into me that he just needed to tell me and I'd be OK with that.

Sooooo. Yeah. He said that he wasn't watning a serious relationship. I thought it was a bit odd...we had only been seeing each other for just over 2 weeks so what kind of 'serious' did he think we had?

Anyway...the crux of the whole thing is this. I accepted what he said and also made it clear that I wasn't' going to do the friends with benefits thing with him. I just wanted my movies back. He thought it was odd that I didn't want to talk more about it. What was there to say? I KNOW I'm a great person, funny, sexy, beautiful...his decision to stop seeing me wasn't a slight on me at all. I wasn't taking it badly at all...sure I was a bit disappointed...but I wasn't going to fall apart. It had ONLY been 2 weeks for heaven's sake.

SO then he calls me the next day....a few times. Said he wanted to see me, we can be friends, maybe he'd regret letting me go...but not to wait for him. I assured him that under no circumstances would I be waiting for him. He made his choice, what else was there?

So we agreed to go to the movies. I really wanted to see "The Rocket" and I knew that he'd bring my DVD's back and I also thought it would be a nice evening to see the movie with him as we are both huge Habs/Richard fans.

Anyway...the evening ended BADLY. He pitched a fit and got into his car and screeeeeeched away recklessly. He nearly hit the parked truck in front of him he was in such a hurry to get away from me. I called him quite a few times that night just trying to get some answers from him but he was too childish to pick up the phone.

What an ass.

Next day he had the balls to say that as I called him too many times that he now thinks I'm a stalker. LOL. I laughed out loud when I saw that. I thought Marco was fairly handsome...but he's not really stalker worthy.

Here's what I think happened. Yes he ended things with me on Tues, but I didn't resist him...I didn't try to change his mind. I just said "OK - sorry you feel that way". Then he realized that it didn't bother me that much...so he maybe changed his mind. Then on Thurs I looked good for our movie outing and was pleasant and funny and all the things I normally am. He even touched my leg to see if I had shaved (Of course I had) and he was flirty and I flirted back....but in my mind he was DONE.

Then we had our drinks...a small tiff about the bill ( he thought I was trying to stiff him with it...I just wanted change for my $20.00) And then he was hurt that a) I wanted my movies back and b) that I wasn't going home with him or having him drive me home. So he was rejected...by a girl he rejected and then changed his mind on.

Oh well...too bad. If I had taken him back it would have been Nelson ALLLLLL over again. No way.

I deserve WAYYY better than the crap Marco was pulling.

Soooo...like the French Canadian Singer 'Mitsou" sang....'Bye bye mon cowboy'

teehee

NEXT!



Oh....and a clarification from the last post...Marco quit baseball based on an alleged "shouldER inury"

Thank you anonymous for pointing out the error.

Smells like...like...burning!

Ok...so now that I like Marco...my nurosis begin.

We spent pretty much every available moment together for an entire week and had a lot of fabulous sex and a lot of fabulous laughs and just a whole lot of fabulous in general. Then I went up to Sun Peaks for work and we spent exactly one week apart with only 2 relatively short phone calls in between to keep any contact.

I came home from Sun Peaks yesterday and he picked me up from the airport. We had a lof of fabulous sex and some fabulous laughs and some VERY FABULOUS food and then yet some more fabulous sex. He spent the night and I hardly slept...he hardly slept.

Looks like he'll be quitting my softball team due to a 'should injury' and I just got the weird vibe from him this morning. I have called this evening and left a message but so far no reply.

I'm trying not to read too much into this. I am trying desperately to stop comapring him to Nelson...which I am finding very hard to do. The reason for this comparison is that Marco just went to trial on WED to finalize his divorce. Oh yes...he's been separated for over 2 years now so I felt it was OK to date him....but I guess I'm just thinking the following:

Am I setting myself up for a burn?

Maybe I should really only date guys that have never been married or at the very least are ACTUALLY divorced...like...2 or 3 years divorced.

I'm tired too...so my emotion-reader hasn't been properly calibrated.

And...what do I want from this anyway?

Montreal won tonight's hockey game and they almost gave it all away in the 2nd period. The game went to DOUBLE over time and it was a fabulous winning goal so I am actually feeling tired but happy in a non-specific way.

Just wish Marco would stop asking me what I am thinking all the time and start telling me what he is thinking.

Sacre Blue!!!

So it's been a week and Marco and I have been spending a lot of time together. Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, ALLLLLLL Day FRI and then this morning. Funny...I'm not sick of him. It was nice to do my own thing today though, but when he called late in the afternoon...well....my huge smile once more appeared on my face. I am looking forward to him coming over after the Canuck's game tonight.

(Let's not talk about how badly the Canuck's have performed in the last month - they are my 2nds anyway, Go HABS GO!!!)

I know I need to clean up...but I'm tired so here's hoping Marco will forgive the clutter.

Part of me wants to ask him for Easter Dinner tomorrow...the other part of me knows better than to ask after only a week & 1/2 of seeing someone. So the part that wants to ask will just have to be gagged.

And really...I DO like Marco, so it's probably better that he NOT meet my family until I have a chance to give him some schooling on how to handle them. We'll see if we make it past 3 months before I expose him to any of the crazyness. Besides, I need some time to come up with some Lesson Plans on what to do teehee. The nice thing is that I know he'll love my nephews and be very interactive with them...but on the other hand he is pretty straight forward so I'm not sure how he'd handle my Mum.

Anyhoooo. Je like him. We'll see how things go.

All hands above deck....mostly

So Marco came over for our date last night and I have to say...I should probably take a step back.

I like him too much already. I keep trying to have the 'we'll see' attitude...but I'm secretly crossing my fingers over here. However, before you get all wiggy...it's not like I'm saying "oh let him be the one". I'm saying "oh let him not turn weird/meek/clingy/dominating/ and crazy in general".

Right now it's all sunshine and lollipops. We don't know much about each other though I have to say that the bits I am getting to know I like...so far. I am excited to hear from him when he calls, I look forward to tomorrow when I will see him at Baseball (he's joined my team...happy venture or danger land?? what do you think??).

I'm pretty surprised actually. I haven't been wanting a relationship for a while. A forced relationship with Bently bugged me, even more so with Sonny. I couldn't understand why these guys were so quick to be in Relationshipville with me. I wasn't prepared to move out of Singletown that fast.

With Marc I actually caught myself fantasing about introducing him to my friends. *gasp* Oh oh...that must mean I like him. So I thought about our date last night and then was thinking...'yeah...kinda like this one".

He called to re-confirm and we had a pleasant easy conversation. I admited that I needed a bit more time to clean my place and he promised to arrivel 'fashionably late...but not too late". True to his word he came 10 mins after our designated meeting time of 6:30PM....with flowers. Lovely purple tulips that hadn't opened yet.

He brought a bottle of wine, his sly smile and his neat sense of humour. He wore blue jeans and a light blue button down shirt - I totally approved of his smart casual style. I admit to wearing my cute new brown harem pants and my neat-oh mozaic shirt. My make up was light and my hair was down...I felt pretty and confident. It didn't' hurt that I was making dinner and was making one of my favourite dishes...tomato chicken yummyness.

We chatted easily as I finished preparing dinner. Marco came in the kitchen randomly to put his hand around my waist or kiss my shoulder and I felt even PRETTIER and more confident...I nearly felt down right Mrs. Cleaveresque. He opened the wine and winked at me as we clinked our glasses. I smiled slowly and winked back.

Dinner was fairly light fare...chicken in a tomato herbal reduction, steamed broccoli and an herb salad. Our conversation wasn't quite as light...we talked about a wide range of topics from our past relationships to future carreer aspirations. It was nice to get past the small talk and have meatier discussions.

After dinner we walked up to BlockBusters to rent "Walk the Line". I don't know what happened in the movie past the 20 minute mark. That's when Marco and I started to make out. It was lovely. All hands were (mostly) above deck. I had a hard time controlling myself but he was pretty respectful of my 'no sex' rule and didn't push anything...it was me pushing the boundaries I had already set up.

I was particularly happy when in the middle of our date he was asking for another date. A HOCKEY date. I was soooo excited! Hoorah!!

He turned into a pumpkin at around 12:15AM and even called me to let me know that he got home alright. I was just a wee bit worried with the time being so late and him being tired and having to drive.

*sigh* As sappy as this sounds (oh, and trust me, I am TOTALLY aware that I am being MEGA sappy right now), it was nice to have his voice be the last sound I heard before going to sleep.

Pucker up baby

Can you remember the last time you had an absolutely toe curling kiss? The sort of kiss that makes you weak in the knees, tinglies in your nether regions and tight in the chest?

I can.

Mostly cuz it happened just recentlyt in the front seat of Marco's car.

Let me describe the setting for you so you can get the FULL effect.

After drinks we went for a 'spin'. (Marco's word). We drove in his Family Guy car (complete with child seat in the back) to Spanish Banks and drove along the endowment lands. The night was gorgeous and the drive was lovely...Vancouver's lights twinkling away. We drove and talked easily about anything that came to mind. Soon Marco's hand drifted across the unspoken boundary between Driver side and Passenger side and his pinky connected with mine.
ZAP. Electricity and I'm not talking about static.

We held hands and I enjoyed the way that our fingers explored each other's hands while never really disengaging from the principal act of holding hands. We're driving along and as we come up towards Jerico Beach (again) Marco pulls the car in. (Thank goodness). He manouvers the car so that we have an unobstructed view of downtown...a view from his hood to mine.

As we are parked, the conversation gets softer, our voices quieter and in my mind we simultaneously leaned in to each other and our lips met in one of the very sweetest first kisses I've ever had.

His lips were soft and the kiss was a bit shy at first. I wasn't going to rush it, I just wanted to enjoy it. Lips parted, tongues took turns exploring and tasting. Marco is a great kisser. Not too much tongue, no excess syliva.

I couldn't help myself! The kiss was so sweet, so (ok...I'm going to use the word) tender that I found myself reaching up to caress his face as we were making out. Now I've got a huge thing with face/head touching. That for me is pretty intimate...it's what lovers do. I tried to stop a few times...move my hand down to his shoulder or chest, but it seemed like it had a mind of it's own.

Good news...Marco's soft spot is his ears...seems we have more in common than I initially thought. teehee. We made out like teenagers for about 2hours with James Blundt crooning away on the stereo. I have to say...Marco is a romantic and that came across in his initial nervous/shyness (sweaty hands...so cute!) and his choice of music plus the drive down to a beautiful place to have our first kiss.

Here's hoping there are more kisses with Marco to come.

I'll keep you posted...but I'm also trying to play things a bit cool and not get too carried away.
What happens after the phermones? Hopefully something good. We'll see. That's my new motto in romantic daliances..."we'll see".

Oh...and when I say Family Guy Car I am NOT talkin' smack about Marco's vehicle. I adore the way he talks about his son and he does seem like a very caring, very involved Dad. I thought it was very cute that the car seat has a permanent home in the car even if Marco only gets his son every 2nd weekend.

Quelle Suprise!!!! Oooh la la

Bonjour mes amis!

Aujourd'hui je suis très heureux. Oui, c'est vrais!

It has occured to me that I still haven't taken up my language class. I'm leaning more towards French now and there is a class that starts up on 11APR...but that will conflict with something else I've recently joined...BASEBALL!

Yup...that's right! I have signed up for a Co-Ed Slowpitch league and our first practice is next Tues. I already have my own glove and a few baseball caps, a great attitude and a decent batting average...what I don't have is throwing skillz. I hate to admit it...but I do throw like a girl.

The French thing may have to wait until the summer. There are other beginner classes starting in JUL. My main concern is getting into the *right* French class. I went to French emersion when I was a kid...I can understand a lot of French...but speaking it coherently and gramatically correct is a huge challenge for me.

Maybe I'll just get Marco to help me out...he's fluent in both offical languages. I don't think my broken French impressed him, but I do think that I impressed him in other ways. (get your minds out of the gutter!). Marco is new on the scene so let's just see how this goes.

You know me...I don't go in for this 'instant relationship' stuff. "Just add sex!". I am playing things pretty tight right now. I have decided to dwindle the number of men down to 1. It was getting just a bit confusing/frustrating/annoying.

I haven't talked to Sonny in days...I didn't like our last exchange via MSN...it was odd. I couldn't help but feel that if he wanted to discuss the things he read with me, he should have phoned. I probably should call him. I liked him, but I don't think we can bounce back from this. I feel a bit of resentment that he didn't just wait for the conversation to take place. Having said that, I do understand that he'd want to confront me on the post. I believe that this one has ended up a combination of The Fade Out and Ostrich.

Soo...now I am left with Maco.

Funny thing this...I have lost all filters with Marco. I say things I wouldn't normally say. For instance...Marco called me last night and we were chatting easily about everything under the sun. Of course the topic of sex comes up (of course). At one point he asked me if I ever faked an orgasm. Oh my god! I started going on and on about how it's very rare for me to cum with a partner and that it takes a lot of time for me to do that. I was telling him that for years I would fake it and I even told him the story of Pedro! WTF??? WHY would I do that? I don't know. He seemed to take it all in stride...though who knows...it was a phone call...it's hard to judge people's reaction just based on voice alone.

Seeing Marco on Sunday and I am actally very excited about it. He's the first guy in a long while that I am genuinely looking forward to seeing again. When he called me last night...it but a HUGE smile on my face.

But let's not get too carried away here...it's VERY new and maybe it's just the excitement of newness.

This is not an experiement...this is life.

Something was mentioned to me that kinda bugged me.

The direct quote was " I just want to say one thing... I don't want to feel like some sort of experiment..."

I would hardly call my life an experiement. This Blog is not an experiment. This is a reflection of different parts of me, my moods and all their swings, my whims and all their whimsy, my passions, my lusts, my desires, my feelings of all sorts.

Also...no one can make you feel anything you don't allow. I've learned that the hard way myself.

So if you believe this to be an experiment at your expense there is only one solution. End it. I am not going to stop writing down my feelings. I am not going to stop writing about my experiences.

When a show comes on TV that I don't like...I choose not to watch it. I may have cable and access to that channel, but if I don't like the show, I turn the channel or the tv off. It's the same here. IF you don't like what I'm saying, you don't have to read it. It seems rather simple to me.

So new rule. Only girls get the blog site from me. If a man happens to stumble on here that's wonderful and good. Chances are I am not dating them and they won't be offended. teehee. Of course...now I have to be careful not to date any of the women I gave my blog out to. I think that will be less of a problem...I do so love a pretty penis....and women just don't' come with their own.

So yeah...if this is an experiment....where are all the monkeys??? Everybody loves a monkey.

A non- event for Carmen -the hot chick with the tongue ring

I love comments even if I seem afraid of them sometimes. So when Carmen left the "what happened?"comment on "How about a great big cup of..." I felt the need to share.

It's really going to be somewhat disappointing.

I seethed all the way up until 8:30PM. At 8:31 I left my apartment and walked the 28 stairs up to the 7th floor. I stood outside Mr. Fuck's apartment trying to compose myself and not have on my 'fuck you' face. I took several deep breaths and repeated "One million blessing to you" over and over in my head until I felt the bubbles of giggles between my lips.

One more deep breath and then I was ready. I knocked on the door to Mr. Fuck's apartment.

"I'll be there in a minute" came the gruff voice from behind the door. I could hear the scurry of footsteps, the banging of pots and the running of water. I could also here the muttered 'Fuck Fuck Fuck" of Mr. Fuck - there was no doubt that I was at the right apartment. I waited as patiently as possible.

The door opened to reveal a fairly disheveled Mr. Fuck. Big yellow rubber gloves were on, dish soap clinging to the latex for dear life. What amused me was that Mr. Fuck was wearing an apron that read "If you don't like it, eat me" and had a picture of a burnt dinner followed by a steaming pie. I think my eyes widened in surprise.

I told him that I was Kwerkie and asked in my bubbliest voice if he would be so kind as to return my phone.

He said "Oh yes. Just a minute." And then he closed the door in my face and went back into his apartment to retrieve my phone.

I felt like I was waiting for 5 minutes but it was probably only 30 seconds. He came back sans big yellow rubber gloves, sans dish soap and apron but AVEC my phone.

I thanked him for keeping my phone safe and gave him my friendliest smile. (Well...clearly it couldn't have actually been my friendliest of faces as it wasn't a genuine smile...but I could have won an Oscar for it I'm sure).

He mumbled something about being responsible in the future and I just continued to smile and repeated my Thank You. Then I waved and left, leaving him still standing in his door step.

"Thanks again! Have a great night! Loved the apron!" I called out to him as I opened the door to the stairwell and made my way back to my happy space.

So overall...a fairly non-event.

And Carmen...you're supposed to be Chloe!! But I'll give you back your name as my very own Chloe will be making her first appearance in the WORLD on or around May 26th.
Well...she won't be my OWN Chloe. I am referring to my as of yet unborn niece who's name was told to us a few months ago.

The Gloves are coming off...

I've been afraid to write in here.

It's true...I know it's shocking, but it's true. It may be that I have given my blog site to too many people or perhaps it's the judgment that I fear. I am also afraid to write exactly what I'm feeling lately for fear that the grumpy pants haven't been put away yet.

Today I felt toxic. I wanted to scream at everyone I saw. Everyone.

I was given a ticket to the hockey game at around 10AM. The ticket was then rudely retracted at around 3PM. So instead of screaming at hot guys on ice...I decided that I needed some retail therapy.

The whole time I was shopping I kept thinking of an episode of What Not To Wear. It made me giggle...especially when confronted with my awful undies that I was wearing today. Maybe that's why I was so pissy today...I was wearing ugly undies.

I want to rant about men right now.

1) I am tired of meek men. I am a confident woman who enjoys being around confident people...men especially.
Most of my friendships are with very strong willed, strong minded, strong personality people. This makes for some volatile moments...but it is also the same reason why my friendships with these people are the most rewarding in my life.

2) I am tired of push push push to get into my puss puss puss. How about getting to know me? How about finding out THINGS about me....what I like to do on a Sunday, what I like to shop for the most, what I love to do in the quiet of the night when no one can see me?

3) I don't want to do all the work. I just don't. I don't want to be chased chased chased cuz that's the first thing that will make me run run run...but I'm not going to do it all either. I'm a bold person...I often make the first move. Well...I'm ready to come in 2nd in that one regard now.

4) Too into me...not into me. Wholly Jebus batman. One guy is too into me...Another guy is calling but can't actually make it to ONE date we've set up. Guy2 keeps asking me out...making plans...and then BAILING at the last minute. Fucking Dr's...I can't date a guy who's more wishy washy than me. After the hockey ticket bullshit...he's done.

5) DATING. Let's look at this word. It's not RELATIONSHIP. It's not COMMITMENT. It's DATING. This means hanging out with, having fun with, making out with....sometimes it might go a little further...but I've taken sex completely off the menu. No. No more sex until I, ME, KWERKIE, wants it. Just because you have an erection doesn't mean I have to do anything with it.

6) TIMING. I need a lot of ME time right now. I am not going out a lot during the week as I once did and my weekends needs to have a significant amount of Kwerkie time too. I am going NUTZ at work right now. I have been putting in a lot of overtime...at least 45 mins a day with WED night being the longest I've ever done in one day. At least the pizza was yummy. So when I say I'm busy or I want to have a night in by myself I don't want a guilt trip for it. Only one of the 2 have been respectful of that so don't think I am makin' stuff up.

*sigh* It's probably just too soon.

I was thinking about Ronan the other day...the waiting for sex...the wooing...the calls in the middle of the day. Now if only I can get the rest of the package too.

I also keep remembering this one day when he came out of the shower...but maybe I just miss the way my tummy would feel when I saw him naked.

*shakes head* There is much more that I want than just lust.

phone is ringing...ignoring it.

How about a great big cup of....

FUCK YOU to Mr. Fuck who lives on the 7th floor of my building.

Before you get all offended by my initial profanity, let me warn you that there will be plenty more where that came from!

Mr Fuck lives on the 7th floor as previously mentioned. He complains about EVERYTHING. When we finally got a lock for our dumpster out back, he complained loudly and wrote a nasty profane letter to our manager about the rust that was on the chain. Big deal! Who wears their Sunday Best to take out the trash?? If you get rust on your hands don't touch yourself! Wash your hands! Bring gloves or bring a rag to wipe your hands on.

Now this rant isn't about the fact that Mr. Fuck complained rudely about the rusty lock. And don't worry...he's not just Mr. Fuck because he pissed me off...a lot of reisdents call him 'Mr Fuck' because he actually goes around muttering "fuck, fuck fuck" all the time. I wondered at first if he might have OCD or Assburgers or maybe he really just is Mr.Fuck.

Well...last night CONFIRMS it. He is indeed Mr.Fuck because he's a Fucker.

I was doing laundry and going up and down the stairs all night. I also had my mobile phone with me. Well...I get back up to my apartment at around 9PM and realize that I must have left my phone in the laundry room. I'm not worried...the laundry room is locked and only residents can get in with a key. Also...my building ROCKS with loads of great neighbours....except for Old Lady Italy and Mr. Fuck...everyone is very friendly so the fear of theft wasn't there.

Well...I had the great misfortune of doing laundry on the same night as Mr. Fuck. So he finds my phone...and instead of leaving it the fuck alone...he decides to 'rescue' the phone.

I go down to the laundry room to get my phone and it's gone!!! WTF??? Ok...so I go upstairs and write a note and then head BACK downtstairs to leave this note on the washer. "Hi, it's Kwerkie from 5XX. If you found my mobile phone in here please return it to me. Thanks".

Well...10PM and no one has come around with my phone. I go down to the laundry room periodically and check. The note has been put in the garbage.

GRRRRR

So this morning I post a note in the elevator and on the ground floor in both stairwells asking for the safe return of my mobile.

I got home to this note:

Dear Kwerkie
I have your phone. I found it left irresponsibly in the laundry room. It was beeping annoyingly so I turned it off and brought it up to my place for safe keeping. I went to bed quite early and forgot about your phone until I saw your note this morning. If you would like to come and collect your phone it will be available between the hours of 8:30-9:30PM tonight.
By the way -the proper term is CELLULAR phone - NOT mobile phone.
Yours,
Mr. Fuck apt 7XX.

So...GREAT! My phone is held hostage until 8:30PM, It's SMALL...he could EASILY slip it through my mail slot. (our mail is delivered to every suite...we have slots in the door like a regular house). So WHY HASN'T HE DONE THAT???

I'll tell you why...cuz he's Mr. Fuck the Fucker!!

So I will go up at 8:30PM tonight to get my phone and I'm sure I will have to bite my tongue so I don't just say "Thanks!" Followed quickly by "And FUCK YOU MR FUCK -YOU FUCKIN' FUCK FUCK".

Hi, how ya doin? Good to see ya.

Hiya!

Remember me? The Kwerkie girl with the cute smile and the bubbly personality and the clever writing? I"ve been away for a bit,but...well...it's all Sunshine and Lollipops from here on in baby!

What about YOU? How have YOU been?

You may have noticed that I FINALLY have some links on here. Yes indeed. Sonny made that happen for me and I'm pretty chuffed about it. I don't even mind that he put his link first. teehee.


I know I haven't been posting much about all the sexy things I used to and it's partly because I haven't been feeling very sexy despite getting a bit of rumpy bumpy here and there and becoming closer friend's with my vibrator and busy little fingers.

Taking a lover and not being too committed is a LOT of work. A lot more energy than I'm actually willing to expend at the height of my very crazy busy season at work.

Simone and I were talking about taking a page out of Samantha's script and trying on the commitment phobe Lover Panties. This basically means taking a lover (or loverS) and just having sex with no emotions...no feeling...no commitment...no worries. Frankly, I just don't see it working for either of us.

Not to talk smack about Simone (cuz you know I love you) but she is a very emotional creature. Now I, on the other hand...can't control my emotions very well at all - so to say I was an emotional creature may be a bit of an understatement.

I've fucked like a man before. Taken taken taken and believed that in my taking I was giving. I'm sure Bentley (if indeed he read this) would nod his head in agreement. I can't help but feel that I was getting revenge for all the times I felt used.

But here's something I've come to accept in recent days. No one can make me feel anything that I don't want (or allow myself) to feel. I've heard it before...I've probably said it before, but it took my last visit to Thunder Bay to really hit home. (ha. Irony).

So right now I'm feeling pretty good. I have a great group of friends I like hangin' with and I am insisting on my own time too.

In fact...I feel so good that I might get another tattoo soon. One more milestone to mark...I AM in charge of my own life. I am going forward and though I haven't been submitting it here...I've been writing like a FIEND!

There is a secret I've been keeping...well...not really keeping it all to myself...I've told some people and have had some help with my secret project....I promise to reveal it all in good time. I just want to seal the deal as it were before blabbing on here.

Ok...more things to do before I hit the sack.

Ciao
Kwerkie

Us again! This time you can see Kirk behind Derek and Valerie  

My Peeps! (L to R = Kwerkie, Fi, Celia, Derek (in Kilt), Valerie, Luke, Britney.  

Fi and I showing off our Dancing Skillz 

Dancing Therapy!

I want to tell you about how I celebrated St. Patrick's Day this year.

I bought a ticket to the Pub Crawl that was put on by Bust Loose Travel. This is a pretty interesting tour company that specializes in University Crowd/Language School partiers. The average age of the Bust Loose booker is aprox 23.

I wasn't worried though...I was going with 6 people whom I know and I was certain that we would have a blast....and DID WE!

We all met at the Lamplighter Pub and dawned our oversized white painter suites, armed with markers, a free drink and some lube we started out night. I was scanning the crowd...was there a man worthy of my flirtations tonight?? There were some who showed potential but I was actually just happy to hang with my crew.

We chose Jody as our Bus Captain. This girl was HOT. She had the forethought to get her painter coveralls the night before and made a tight white mini dress...we were all very impressed. She was super fun and so we stalked her to Bus # 3. Us cool kids sat at the back of the bus while various language school students (Chinese, Japanese, French and Spanish) kids sat everywhere else.

I was feeling pretty buzzed by the time we got to our 2nd pub thanks to our Road Rockets I had along the way. They were playing some R&B/Hip Hop stuff and here is where I tell you that I actually LOVE to dance to that stuff. Sooooo....I buy a drink for Derek and myself and then head out to the dance floor. I proceeded to wow my peeps with my dancing skillz.

Those of you who've been out cuttin a rug with me know that I can't be expected to dance like a polite young lady. I need room to move...dancing requires the attention of my entire body. I need to just move move move. I don't think I am a particularly good dancer...but I couldn't give a rat's ass who thinks I"m a fly girl or a ummm...bad dancer girl.

I just basically move to the music how ever I want to and if it offends people...ha! who cares!

We hit 4 places in total, 3 of which were dance clubs and I didn't sit down ONCE. I got very drunk but hey...that's what St. Patrick's Day is for! I also won a cd....I haven't listened to it yet so I'll have to let you know what it's like. Judging by the song titles (eg "Our relationship is getting stronger with each golf game I play" ) I think it's more humour than anything note worthy. In fact...looking at it now I see it's the Bud Light Institute cd. oh joy!

I just can't tell you how FABULOUS it all was.

Here is the downside. I spent ALL morning Sat in the bathroom barfing...and guess what happened?? I pulled my back out!!

Saturday was fuzzy....I spent most of the day on pain killers. Finally a Tylenol 3 took the edge off then I went out to help Mick celebrate his birthday. I felt on the fringe for a while...it's a bit odd sometimes with The Clique...I feel like I'm cool kid the one day...happy cheerleader, and then the next I'm a nerd...a fringe dweller who laughs from the shadows.

The pain was coming back by 11PM and I caught a ride home with 2 other girls. By the time I got back to my apartment it was after 12AM and I was in agony.

Blue sky...nuthin' but blue sky

Today I am exceedingly happy!

I woke up at 7AM and wasn't hung over!
I had a lovely cuddle with Taliesin (my puma in case I haven't mentioned him before)
The Sun is Shining and there is Blue Sky as far as my peepers can see!

I am writing again...writing I tells ya! Words scrawled on sacred paper...happy blue ink winking at me, words flowing...I even used the word 'lithe' in a sentence...I like that word...it's a slow word, I like to linger over it.

The trees on my street have sprung blossoms and the cherry trees in particular make me happy. Pink to deeper pink. It reminds me of something Nelson once told me....that the pinks remind him of my delicate pink bits. The memory sends a spasm to those very delicate pink bits and this time there is no pang of angst or vexation that follows....just a memory and a lovely thought.

I am enjoying myself this week in a way I haven't in a long while. I am really feeling like I actually KNOW what I am wanting. I have made a list of things to accomplish before AUG and I believe that these are all very achievable.

1) I have decided to stay in my apartment and to show my commitment I am going next SUN to pick out paint chips and see what colours would suit best. I am leaning more towards a bright sunny colour in the living room (I"m thinking Yellow again) and I have definitely set my heart on a sagey green for my bedroom. The bathroom I think I will leave white only because there are too many colours competing for attention....cream bathtub, multi coloured white, pink, cream tiles on the floor, beiges, yellows, oranges in my shower curtain and of course toilet in it's 3 colours of bright white (too hard on my eyes), beige and brown.

My kitchen needs some lovin' too and I hate hate HATE my brown cupboards and snot green fridge & stove. What can I do with those colours?? I think about painting the cupboards but don't want to do a bad job of it. I wonder if I have to sand them down and then put a primer on and THEN paint. ANy advice??? What ties poo brown and snot green together? Pee yellow??

2) I am going to bring back the Kwerkie Deli at work. I hate having to go out for lunch all the time...it bugs me that we don't have a micro wave there so hot meals are out of the question unless I want to go and buy them. But it's spring!!! I will be brining leafy green and whole grains to the office and making my own lunches. It's much cheaper and right now even the 20 mins I spend going out to eat feels like precious time ticking away.


Ok...time to make breakfast and get things happening!

No, you can NOT go home again...

But you can go to the place where you were born, see some family and have a lovely visit.

My whirlwind trip back to Thunder Bay was so much better than I had even hoped for. I don't know where to start this so I think I'll just tell you as it pops into my head.

I am a bad Grand Daughter...but the one of the perks of being a Grand Daughter is that you are automatically forgiven for all your fox passes if you just ask for it. And really...it's so much simpler than even all that. I didn't even have to verbalize my request to my Mum's parents. It was in my hugs and the fact that when Grandpa make a joke about one of our camping trips I teared up a little bit...just being overwhelmed by all the memories. He just hugged me and laughed and gave me one of his signature "Ehhhhs". He's like the Fonz that way...but older and wrinklier.

My Grandma C needed me to say the words and I don't blame her. Once the words were out her forgiveness was faster than my stammered apology. It was completed the next day when we had a huge hug and she held me tight as I cried.

I found out that where I am from doesn't actually define me. My cousins are the perfect example of that. Education is the key here...I think I have a fairly good speaking voice and I believe that my choice of words adds colour to my stories. My cousins sound very much like they are from Thunder Bay. There was a hole of "eh?'s" and even the dreaded "I was giviner down the road" thrown into the stories. Wowzah. The accent alone was enough to make my ears hurt a bit.

Still...I don't want to talk too much smack. I was delighted to see my Grandparents...all 3 of them (Grandpa C died 8yrs ago...coincidentally it was the last time I went back to Thunder Bay).

I felt skinny when I was there...which isn't 'a good thing. I am chubby for sure. I need to get my ass back at the gym 4 times a week fo sho mo fos. But wow...people in Thunder Bay were ROTUND! Yeah..that's right...I'm not going to cushion this with Rubanesque or any of the other cutesy names I could...it was FAT CITY.

So here is what I have learned. My Mum is to blame for cutting my Dad's parents out of our lives until I was 14yrs old. After that...it's all me.

I still like to defer to my older brothers in matters of ...ummm....lots. I was going to say family decision making but that's not entirely true. Yes I am my own person...but I was very much the younger child in Thunder Bay. I almost felt like I was 12...free of responsibility but still vocal enough in my own right.

I have also learned that I have the power of forgiveness to give as well.

I'm not going to get into it...it's pointless now as things happened so long ago and I have come to that wonderful place of forgiveness so let's just say that I now only have one more Uncle to forgive and we'll see how I go with that one. It took me over 15 years to forgive my Aunt's husband...we'll see how long it takes to forgive my Mum's twin.

I don't have to think of Thunder Bay as 'home'. It's not home. But it does have some redeeming features...namely it is the home of my Grandparents whom I love very much and who's unconditional love and forgiveness was the best part of my trip.