So last month was my nephew Noah's 2nd Birthday and of course there was a party and of course my family was there and of COURSE I got to hold Chloe - my 3 month old tiny, perfect little niece!
I was suffering from PMS so I wasn't quite myself...emotional mostly and when I held wee Chloe in my arms...YIKES...the clock went from a quiet little 'tic tic tic' to a 9 O'Clock gun BOOM! Later that day I went out wtih Mattias and was a bit sullen...the realization that yes...I really really want to have kids one day was weighing very heavy on my mind. I was, afterall, dating a guy who has five kids already.
Ok...so naturally Mattias asked me what was keeping me so quiet and I told him. I laid all my cards out on the table. Yes, I want to have a baby some day. The problem with this statement is that although I know I would like to have a baby...I KNOW that I don't want to have one right now but what I am thinking is in the next 5 years. I'm turning 32 this year and as much as people tell me that having babies at 40yrs old is not that big of a deal, I know that for myself, I would love to have a baby before the age of 37. That gives me just over 5 years to be in a relationship that is loving and supportive and all the things that I want to be there in a relationship in order to HAVE a baby..and well...it doesn't seem like that much time to me.
So Mattias took it all in stride and said that he's not saying NO but he's not saying YES to actually the idea of WANTING more kids. Ok...I could accept that. We are still building OUR relationship.
Fast forward one month. Yesterday Mattias & I had a talk. Though he couched the terms in "still not made up my mind" the fact that it's been ON his mind since we spoke in AUG has sent some warning bells off for me. He kept saying things like "IF only I met you 12 years ago" and "I'm in the home stretch...I have 11 more years until the Twins are adults".
I am really strugging with this. This would be a deal breaker for me. I WANT to have a baby. If he never waivers from the fence...I don't think I can give up my dream of having a family.
There is, of course, the argument that he has 5 children and IF Mattias and I stay together than I will have a large family even if none of the kids are my own. This sounds nice and all very Hallmark movie of the week...but let's face it people. I can be a very selfish woman and in this, I am not willing to make that sacrifice.
It's interesting this has come up actually because there is a lot of baby talk and talk about raising children going on in my life. I feel like this is the universe asking me some tough questions to see if I am actually UP for the challenge.
It's not just about genetics. It's about the whole experience. Being pregnant...feeling the child grow inside me, pushing it out into the world, raising a child that is half my dna, being a hockey mum (oh come on...you KNOW that a child of mine will be playing hockey!).
I can't help but think...how long do I continue to date Mattias and get even closer to him only to find out 5 years down the road that my dreams of having a child are over? I don't know what to do!
I'm really torn...I love haning out with Mattias...he's hillarious and we do a lot of fun things togeher - have you noticed I've been quiet on here? It's mostly due to the fact that I'm often OUT having a life and having fun and many of my nights are spent with Mattias.
Maybe what I can do is break up with Mattias now and try to get over him and then suddenly when I'm not looking again someone will come along , sweep me off my feet and have a family.
This is NOT a discussion I wanted to have within the first 6 months of dating anyone. Shouldn't this sort of thing just happen naturally?
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