Umm...is it my imagination

or have I suddenly dropped off the face of the world again???

I've had two blissfully distracted weeks off from work and I pretty much didn't do too much.

I've been having 'supervised' babysitting with my nephew Xander who is soooo cute I could just totally eat him up! He's 16month old and though he tries....his communication skills are just a bit rudimentary and I can't really understand a lot of what he's trying to say.

I'm practicing for when my brother and his wife go in the hospital in OCT to deliver baby #2 into the world. We are all fairly certain that she is going to have to have a C-Section so there may be a period of up to 4 or 6 days when I will have to be living at their house looking after Xander by myself.

He seems to have taken to playing with me very well and lets me feed him and change his icky diapers...it's the putting down to sleep that we seem to be having a total breakdown with. I am sure that this weekend will be much better as I will actually be ALONE with him and he'll have to choice but to go to sleep for me and he'll KNOW that his parents are NOT at home.

So then a near week spent with Mattias and his kids and the chaos that can occur when there are FIVE chillins around and yet...yet I am still convinced I want to huff and puff and squeeze one of them out of my own body...somehow.

I want to really take a look at what is going on with Mattias and I. I feel myself getting very soppy and all gooey around him and then this shadow...a ghost of a thought crosses my cerebral cortex and I wonder if I'm gooey for the right reasons.

I don't want to be that girl that falls for the guy that has the kids and wants more kids just because he has that mind set. I want to be the girl that falls for the guy who just HAPPENS to have kids.

To be honest I feel that it's really the latter and not the former. I mean...it's not my dream to fall in love with a man who lives over 70 kms away, smokes nearlhy 2 packs of ciggarettes a day and has five half grown kids.

I think I just need to let this happen. Take deep breaths and just let this happen.