Right! I know I said I would try to wait 3 weeks before blogging about the new guy...but if you read the previous post then you know I'm wishy-washy and fickle.
So about the new guy. I shall call him Darius- this is a name that is coming back into fashion so I don't feel the same way I did about the name "Magellan".
Darius and I met up on Boxing Day and had a few drinks at The Morrissey. I was on my best alcohol consumption behaviour. I had 2 beers - Kilkenny to be exact. Our conversations were easy going, intelligent and interesting.
We had a few other dates and I was starting to get pretty excited about every time I would see or talk to him. I had, as they say, the butterflies. However...Last Saturday the RED FLAGS started to appear during the course of our date.
I was making dinner and Darius was chatting with me while I was in the kitchen. He comes up behind me and encircles my waist with his arms. This is lovely. He's nuzzling my neck...this is even more lovely. And then...then he turns into a 15 yr old.
I ask "Are you..." but don't get an opportunity to complete my question as Darius interjects.
"Hard? Yes. Let's go have sex right now."
WHAT?? Earlier in the day he said (quote) "You had better do some major calculations today because later on I'm going to fuck your brains out". I laughed. I thought it was a crude joke, but a JOKE none-the-less! Hmmm...he seems to have a one track mind.
I dismiss the idea and laugh and just keep on making dinner. We have dinner and then fool around a wee bit on the couch. He said that we had better get upstairs to the party before he takes me into the bedroom and ravishes me.
Holy Crap! This guy just won't let up! Unbelievable. What ever happened to getting to know me first? What ever happened to SEDUCING me? Oh my. And then it became Confession Time.
He's never had a relationship for more than six months - RED FLAG
He's only had 3 other sexual partners and one of them was only a one time thing - RED FLAG
He hasn't had sex in over a year and he watches porn every night - RED FLAG
He's 33 years old people! No relationship has lasted more than 6 months?? whoah! What is up with that?
3 sexual partners wouldn't have bothered me....had the glaring fact that his LONGEST relationship was 6 months not already been presented - this guy is pretty sexually inexperienced n'est pas?
No sex in a year = lots of masturbation. Nightly porn viewing = LOTS of masturbation.
Now...don't get me wrong. I'm all for self lovin'. I have a fantastic vibrator and busy little fingers myself. There is nothing wrong with masturbation and frankly I don't think there is anything wrong with daily lovin'.
What concerns me is this: self love to pictures or videos of porn...that is just NOT real people.
It is not interactive, it is not depicting what actually happens between 2 people who care about each other. Let's face it...most porn is very male centric...it's all about the guy getting off. It is not a teaching tool on how to pleasure a woman. It is not showing you the softer side of sex.
How do you want your very first time with someone to be? (I'm talking the majority of the time...not when you are headed out with the express thought of a one night stand) Let's do the multiple choice here:
The first sexual encounter you have with a new partner that you CARE about should be:
1) all about YOU getting off
2) all about THEM getting off
3) a mutual exploration of each other's bodies for mutual pleasure?
If you chose 1 - you are a cad and likely a bad lover.
If you chose 2 - you have little to no self esteem
If you chose 3 -you are a caring person and deserve many long and mind blowing orgasms.
When Darius and I were making out and he went for second base...he was giggling like a sophomore and saying "ooOOoohhhhhHHHHhh Boobies!".
I had to inform him that this failed to turn me on and in fact...was having quite the opposite effect.
*sigh* I have suffered through bad sex before...I'm just not willing to do it again.
So here it is folks...I am asking for ADVICE!
Darius and I get along like a house on fire outside of all the sexual stuff. Should I risk it? Sleep with him and see how it goes? Can I teach him the art of loving? I am not sure I am qualified as an instructor...definitely qualified as a contestant in the game of love making...but a teacher? I just don't know.
Thinking is so important...what do YOU think?
Do I try it out with him despite the Red Flags or do I leave the boy to grow up without me?
Please give a Yay or Nay answer with at least one reason supporting your argument.
Kwerkie
8 comments:
"ooOOoohhhhhHHHHhh Boobies!".??????????!!!!!!!!!!
Uh Oh
HOWEVER
Remember that this guy's horniness is not that out of the ordinary. Most of us guys get horny about 50 times a day and would do anything to get some.
Sounds a little wierd tho...
By the way I disagree on:
"If you chose 2 - you have little to no self esteem"
Nothing gets me off more than seeing a woman get off first.
Sorry...should have been a bit more clear. for #2 I meant that is ONLY about them getting off...as in they get to but you don't.
I like giving my lover an orgasm as much as the next person...but I like to have my fun too...and I don't mind in which order that is.
I agree..."Boobies" is a bit weird at 33yrs old.
You already know what I think, 'Treat the girls like precious, gold-plated peaches or get the hell out of my bed!' There is no excuse for bad lovin' with all the excellent resources out there... books, tv shows, women who honestly talk about sex...
Though I think you are being waaay too hard on porn. I think porn sometimes can be giggly and funny. Plus The Red Shoe Diaries and sometimes Sex in the City are pretty much soft core porn.
I also think it's okay to wait a few years between sexual partners till you meet someone who has pheremones that are off the hook. You don't really forget how to have sex once you've gone down that libidinous path. Hmmm.. I like the word libidinous...
Ahem... I see your point on the infamous number 2. Someone with low self-esteem might neglect their own sexual needs in order to please their partner.
Then again, consider the idea that both partners don't need to boom every single encounter -- a musical instrument gives the musician enormous pleasure by the way THEY play it.
I don't think #2 is your issue, however, as long as it isn't #1!
I also think there's a huge gap between self-love and sex with another, maybe even larger for guys than for gals. The way he behaves with himself (even with some visual help) has less to do with you than you think. That doesn't guarantee he's going to be a firecracker in bed, but it doesn't prevent it either.
The giggling isn't really that serious, in my opinion, as long as it was good-natured and (more importantly) he listened to you when you said you didn't like it.
For these reasons, if those are the only red flags, Darius gets my "yea".
I say make him wait. If he's too horney to develop something more of an actual relationship, is he worth the time? The fact he wants it is natural. But if you give him what he wants, what incentive are you giving him to learn to get it in the right way?
But then, I'm idealistic and inexperienced in the datinig world so what do I know?
Natasha/Gwynne
He's 33 years old people! No relationship has lasted more than 6 months?? whoah! What is up with that?Er, maybe he's never met anyone he liked enough to date for more than 6 months? How is that a reflection on him as a person? Hell, I'm in my mid-thirties and I've never been in any kind of relationship. I've been attracted to lots of women, but they've never been attracted to me. It's not that I'm not a nice guy, I have lots of friends of both sexes. The simple fact is I was unfortunate enough to be born ugly. There's nothing I can do about that, but by your logic I'm somehow tainted, a bad person. We must live in a very fucked up society if it's considered better to have slept around indiscriminately, spreading disease and risking unwanted pregnancies, than to have exercised self-restraint or (gasp) simply not had the opportunity in the first place.
Ya'know Kwerkmeister, none of your red flags mean anything in the greater picture. I know you and you are supreme at giving guys a lot of benefit of the doubt. You are excellent at turning negatives like "He hasn't dated anyone for more than 6 months." into "He's been waiting all his life for someone like me and he's not a himbo!" Much more so than I.
But I really think you had a gut feeling and are looking for more factual things to back it up. If your gut is telling you "Danger! Danger!" you don't have to justify it to anyone, including the person you are feeling it about. Those are your feelings and no one can tell you how or what to feel.
I'm freaking brilliant when I have insomnia...
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