Another Epiphany!

So lately I've been remiss in updating this and that is because I've been spending quite a bit of my free time working on my H3 project and talking for 3hrs at a time every single night for 2 1/2 weeks to Jordan.

Since joining Re:Life I've made some pretty drastic changes in my life. I have started on a path to get my health in order, I have begun the excited journey toward opening up my own holistic business and I have been setting the bar higher for my personal relationships on the platonic, familial and romantic levels.

One of the lessons in particular that has stuck with me is the one from my 2nd meeting at RE:Life in regards to romantic relationships. It was a lesson that asked you to think about WHY you are in a particular relationship. What are you motives? Are they altruistic or selfish or a combination of both? It was from that lesson that I knew I had to end things with Linus immediately because I was only with him for all the very wrong reasons. He could have been ANYBODY. I didn't care about Linus...I only cared about the needs he could fulfil for me...not about him as a person at all.

After breaking up with Linus I decided to take a bit of time and remain celibate, examine what I wanted in a relationship and ask the Universe to help me out.

I then figured...well...since I'm asking the Universe for help on THAT subject...I may as well ask It for help in a lot of different areas - namely my H3 project and my health and fitness goals.

Well guess what? It WORKED! I have been consciously trying to amend my inner monologue to reflect positive words, phrases, requests, thoughts and deeds. I have been trying to find some quiet moments to meditate and concentrate and relate to things that are going on and in those moments I find the answers to a lot of questions I was asking or better yet...I come to realize that through my social network I know people whom I can ask for help or services.

Now - in regards to Jordan. I have been hearing a lot about Jordan from Ken - a good friend of mine here in Calgary. Ken has been saying for MONTHS that when Jordan moves to Calgary that he and I should get together and that we'd be perfect for each other etc etc. The only down side is that Jordan smokes. Well...I wasn't particularly convinced. Jordan came to Calgary for a visit when I was away in Vancouver. The next time he came to Calgary I was busy that night and couldn't make it. It because so that I didn't think Jordan existed at all! I often referred to him as Ken's Snuffalupagous and just dismissed the idea of Jordan and I ever meeting.

The end of November marked Ken's 40th year on this planet. So with great gusto his fantastic girlfriend Pita planned a wonderful birthday party for him at a local restaurant/bar. The guest list was to include Jordan among 14 other guests.

Earlier in the week I had been going on a dating frenzy but had experienced some disappointment in that department. After a particularly sub-standard date I met my Group of 7 at our local Wednesday night hang out for ribs and wine. Among the attendees was Jordan - my goodness! He exists!!! We exchanged hellos and a warm handshake and then the rest of the night saw me regaling the group with my bad date story. I left fairly early in the evening so didn't get a chance to get to know Jordan very much at all other than he appeared to have a firm gasp of the English Language...in truth he is a veritable Lexicon!

The Friday of Ken's birthday was quite exciting! Jordan and I spent most of the evening chatting and getting to know each other and all the while in the back of my head I was thinking "Too bad he's a smoker". I couldn't help but think that it was very GAP based of me...but I felt strongly that I can not date a smoker for fear of slipping back into that nasty old habit myself.

I admit that most of the night is still quite a blur. I drank DOUBLE my normal amount of alcohol in some sort of unspoken pissing match between Jordan and I. I matched him beer for beer as we laughed and chatted and flirted - though all the while I refused his outright advances.

At the end of the evening I came out and told Jordan outright that he has no chance of dating me until/unless he quits smoking. He insisted he was wanting to quit anyway but I told him that the proof would lie in the eating of the pudding and not just in the pudding itself. This may seem like an odd thing to say but so many people just say "the proof is in the pudding" and I suppose there is some truth in that...the REAL proof is in the EATING of the pudding. So...la.

Sunday was Grey Cup weekend and we had all agreed to go to our local hang out to watch the game. I had already made a 'date' for that day and invited my date along. (this was our 2nd date) It was as I was confirming the date that I realized that the only person who I really wanted to see there was Jordan.

My date Dale arrived over an hour late and brought a spare Dale with him. It seemed very odd to me that a man would be so insecure to watch a sporting event with a 'date' and 4 of her friends...but I suppose not everyone can have my level of self confidence.

The entire afternoon I sat beside Jordan who had his arm around the back of my chair and who was asking me questions, interested in my life and hobbies and ideas. In fact, if it were not for Jordan my date Dale would know NOTHING about me. I did my best to follow social norms and include my date Dale and his friend Dale in the conversations but more and more I just wanted to lean into Jordan's side and quietly confer with him about the game and the people around us. This lead to a very awkward feeling. I hate having someone left out of the group but I was so drawn to Jordan that the conflict I was feeling was apparent to everyone in our little group EXCEPT the 2 Dale's.

At the end of the game Jordan offers to pay for EVERYONE'S drinks and food. Everyone. This was an olive branch offering for how Friday night ended (and no, I will not go into detail here but suffice to say that Jordan felt embarrassed and the need to make amends whereas the rest of us felt that it wasn't necessary as everything worked out in the end and reason won out at the end of the night). I was touched by his generosity but felt it was a bit misplaced and insisted on paying my share. When the 2 Dales heard that Jordan was picking up the tab I'm not even sure if they uttered a Thank You. I felt it was exceptionally rude though perhaps my date Dale thought it rude of Jordan to have his arm around me the entire time as well...

We left the pub and said goodbye to the 2 Dales. The rest of us went back to Ken and Jordan's place for a few more bevvies and to relax. It was a great night and I gave Jordan a bit of a shoulder/neck rub under the guise of wooing him as a new client but honestly...I just wanted to touch him.

The following day Jordan had to leave for Manitoba to finish up some contract work he had there and the plan was that he would be back in town for our Christmas Party which was planned for the 19DEC. All day Monday I could not stop thinking about Jordan. Tuesday rolled around and I texted him a brief note encouraging him to drive safely and to quit smoking. The following day I met Ken and Pita for ribs and we discussed Jordan at length...the more I was getting to know him and about him the more I couldn't stop thinking about him.

The week passed in a blur of work and yoga and ReLife and I found myself constantly distracted by thoughts of Jordan. How very odd for him to have made SUCH an impression with only 3 meetings! Friday we chatted back and forth via Facebook Chat and soon 1 1/2hrs of my work day were eaten up by the quick and easy dialogue between Jordan and myself. It was the catalyst for the weeks to come.

Since that Friday night on 04DEC Jordan and I have talked for on average 3hrs each night on the phone. He flew in for the party on the 19DEC and that is when we had our first official date. This all seems so incredibly romantic but I will let you in a a little secret.

In EVERY SINGLE ONE of my past relationships I have always rushed the physical side of things. ALWAYS. There has been NO exception to that until Jordan. In the weeks while he was away we were chatting so much in a very focused way of "getting to know you" without the possibility of actually being in the same room...therefore the physical side of things was put on the back burner until the 19th. Even then I picked him up from the airport and we did a few errands, made dinner, chatted and cuddled and kissed...but still did not rush into sex.

So the long distance thing is bothering me as of late...but I still can not help but think "this is worth it....HE is worth it". let's just see how the next few months go and I'm going to try really hard to live in the NOW and not think too much about the future and where this may or may not go.

Right now I am trying to learn how to just be a human BEING instead of human DOING.

Breathe in Life, Breathe out Love - repeat. It's necessary

So another week has FLOWN by me and I am sitting here with my head absolutely spinning with how fast things are going right now.

I am feeling once more disconnected and I am sure this comes from feeling a bit too stretched out. My social obligations that I make for myself are suffering and then I beat myself up about it. My work obligations are too many for me to deal with and with NO support from head office I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm falling in love...and it's a harder thing than I had remembered it being before. It's long distance at the moment and I haven't seen Jordan in over a month. The promise was for him to be here this weekend but that looks like it won't happen and I am desperately trying not to let my disappointment be a BIG THING between us.

I am overwhelmed. My emotions are on such a crazy roller coaster right now that I can't tell if I'm coming or going!

Here is what occupies my spare thoughts. The fucking body scanners at the airport. The fact that we're so close to 1984 that it makes me want to buy a piece of land far far far away and be totally self sufficient. I am feeling myself slipping into hibernation mode...I am forcing myself to go out and be social because if I don't maintain what limited contacts I DO have here in Calgary I will just become a total shut in.

I am phreaking out my little chickens.

I need to figure out how to take all this information and process it so that I can be somewhat back to my Happy Kathy state. I need a break. I need to breathe in Life and breathe out Love...I need to repeat this as it's necessary to gain a bit of sanity in this tumultuous time.

Slip sliding away

WOw. So there is a LOT going on right now and I've let this slip...AGAIN. Instead of getting all bent out of shape about it I'm just going to let it be what it was.

I have been a lot more social lately but it has come at the expense of me taking some real time for ME. I am still doing the fitness quest (have had 2 workouts this week) and I am still doing some hot Yoga and my eating habits are improving. I need to really give up the social drinking though...that is the one thing I have cut back on but still haven't quite managed to do in a more reasonable moderation.

Things are ticking along for my business. I have my domain name registered and am going to be working on building up my web site before the end of Christmas break. In fact, I mean to work on it over the holidays with some people that can give me some great insights.

I am dating again! Yeah me! I am happy to report that I am definitely attracting a better quality man into my life so that is great. I'll keep you posted if anyone is worthy of note. So far the quality has been great but the quantity has been very limited and I'm unsure of the potential.

I have a crazy crush on Reggie though - he's TROUBLE! I can't help myself in the way I feel about him but at the same time I am not doing anything about it. I'm not telling him, I'm not avoiding him, I'm not trying to do anything at all about it. I am just letting this feeling wash over me every time I see him and sometimes only when I see him in my mind's eye. (this morning's day dream starred Reggie in ways that would make most people blush!).

I am trying to catch myself out when I use negative words. I am trying to be much kinder to myself and it's working! Others have noticed my new found radiance and just my overall attitude of Awesome.

Going to yoga has been bringing up a LOT of emotions. I often get overwhelmed and cry and sometimes I'm not even sure what I"m crying over. I am trying to figure it out, get it out and let it all go.

I no longer feel the need to store hurt and anger. I am making a conscious effort to breath in Life and breath out Love.

This will have to be short for now but I will write more this weekend.

Trust - give or take some fear

So last night's ReLife discussion was all about Trust. The premise being that you don't need to earn people's trust but instead you need to choose to give it. And I got to thinking about who I trust and why and who I don't trust and why.

I am trying to figure out where it was along the way that I lost trust in my family but more importantly...in myself.

I am so afraid of making the WRONG decision that I just choose to NOT make decisions and rather than assertively going after what I want in life I just let life happen TO me.

Well...that has gotten me to where I am now, but it's not helping me to grow. I have decided to just let go and have more. I am going to let go of fear and I am going to embrace trust. Now I'm not talking about getting hosed on some ponzi scheme but rather I am deciding to use some healthy boundaries but to give a bit more trust out to the world.

For example! I was out on a date 2 weeks ago and things went well. I explained I was going to be away for a week for work and so we texted back and forth during that week and all was fine. Upon my return I text him and he didn't respond until today. So basically it took him 5 days to get back to me.

My first thought was to write him off.

However...after last night's meeting I have really thought about it...and I'm going to try to give out a bit of trust. The worst case is that nothing comes of this with Powell (yeah...I did it...I named him a weird sounding name!).

Sooo. We are happily texting back and forth today and have made plans for Sunday. I'm not worried about whether or not they happen...I'm just going to trust that something lovely will happen in some sort of form. Even if it's just that I spend a few hours with him and laugh at least twice. End of expectation.

That is mostly where a lot of my disappointments come from...I have these expectations and they are rarely ever met. I am just trying to figure out how to relieve myself of these expectations and stay in the moment and life in Real Life!

Reaching...reaching....

So here I am back in Vancouver for the week surrounded by my Usual Suspects who love me and know me and just accept me for who I am...and I am feeling totally disconnected.

I am feeling in such a flux at the moment and I'm hoping it's just because I am recovering from a horrible case of the flu. In fact, if I were to believe those around me I had the H1N1 virus. I'm not 100% convinced but that's mostly because I don't want to think that I had anything piggy about me.

I am constantly thinking in the back of my head on what I am NOT doing. I'm NOT getting out to move for 30 minutes a day. I am NOT putting my change into a savings jar and these things are bothering me. And then I think...wtf! that is totally GAP based thinking and that has got to stop.

Sooo. I opened up a tin of chocolates on my trade show desk today and when they were all eaten by my various visitors I took the tin and emptied out all my change into it. I will be using this for the rest of my trip to put my change in.

I am feeling a bit better about THAT.

Now. Tonight I am going to hang out with one of my bff's and we're going to crack a bottle of wine, chat and hopefully I will start to feel a bit more human.

This is alllll over the place here so just be warned.

I am missing my Re:Life Community. I hate that I haven't been out in 2 weeks though it was nice to connect with a few of them in the week before I left. I feel like I need to slow down my life a bit and I am annoyed that my current employment is preventing me from dedicating more time to the Re:Life Village. Mostly I am resentful that I am missing out on the meetings.

I have been feeling like I am reaching the end of my tolerance for how unethical my boss is, how poorly he treats his staff and especially how poorly he runs the business. I have been feeling like I am reaching the end of my complacency. I am no longer able to just do this or that at his will without questioning him...and I know that is not my role...but I just can't help myself.

I am also feeling like I am reaching out more to my friends and family and trying to repair, renew and reevaluate my relationships.

I am reaching deep within myself as well to get the strength to face the trials that are about to be faced. I am not going into this lightly. I know that the changes I want to make in my life will have me looking down into some dark scary places I have buried for a long time. I am reaching the point where I can no longer ignore the monsters in my closet and it's time for them to come out and be revealed for the harmless things they are. For I know once I expose them and deal with things I will be free - truly free - to make better connections in my life in ALL the areas that really matter to me.

SO! I have made the decision to attend the next Re:Life meet up even if that means I have to get up EXTRA early the next day to set up the trade show for the Red Deer crowd. This is just something I have to do for myself. I need to keep this up so that I don't fall into hibernation mode. I need to do this for myself. I am so close, so on the verge of making a real transformation...not just a temporary change...I'm talking about leaving my cocoon and actually using my wings to fly. I am reaching reaching reaching and this time I mean to hold on!

Hey! What's the big idea???

I'm sorry I'm late with this! I was a bit overwhelmed last week with a few things and then went to Vancouver for the weekend so I am just now getting caught up on a few things back here in Calgary.

I want to try to continue to post my Re:Life Village lessons on a weekly basis not only to share with you my little chickens, but to also keep this fresh in my mind and as a way of focusing so I can accomplish my goals.

SO! Last week's lesson was on BIG IDEAS! Here is how it works.


Bold is a must, Idealistic is encouraged, Generic is forbidden.

The exercise starts with you using a blank piece of paper and writing your name down in the middle of the paper. Next you think up all the words to describe you (personality, physically, emotionally, spiritually etc etc) and you write these down all around your name.

Use EVERY word or thought process you want. Eg "Wants to open own business" or "Frustrated in my job" Define yourself as others see you "sister" "daughter". Use your personality traits "Entertainer" "Confident". Use the bad stuff in there too "Lazy" "Cocky" There is no right or wrong answer. You just write down everything that comes to mind. Next you look at the list and see if any of the words/phrases really jump out at you. Circle those ones. Now realize that no matter WHAT words you wrote down...no matter if you think they are negative or positive...are wrong. These are all the things that make you who you are. We are all full of positives and negatives and the key is to just ACCEPT who you are. WHOLLY!


Ok. Next we had a worksheet to go from which looked sort of like this (I can't seem to figure out how to insert a table nor does cut and paste work from a word doc)

BIG IDEA
What do you want to accomplish in the next 12 months. Max 5 ideas



Body- why
How will this effect your physical needs & desires?


Mind- why
How will this affect your emotional needs & desires?


Spirit- why
How will this affect your greater purpose & passions?


Daily
What goals can you set daily to build your vision?

Weekly
What goals can you set weekly to build your vision?


Purge
What must you get rid of & grieve in your life?


Reward
How & When will you mark and celebrate progress?


Take some time to REALLY think about what you want to do in the next 12 months and write down your big 5. I have already filled out 2 of my big 5 and am thinking about the others. I am pretty sure I know what they are but I want to be sure so I can use the worksheet to go through them all.

The good news is this. Even if you do not accomplish your goal to completion in 12 months...you can modify your BIG idea to suit it. Eg, I know I'm not going to be out of debt in one year so I am setting a realistic goal for myself in that regard. I am going to lower my debt load by half. This is totally doable. I am also going to get more active and lose weight...I am not setting a certain amount on this...just changing my lifestyle in general to gain overall health.

Pretty soon as I make the steps daily and weekly toward my goals I will review this list and set new and more specific goals. I will visualize the exact amount of debt I will be free from and I will visualize exactly what my body is going to look like...right down to muscle tone and what I can wear etc.

Dream big my little chickens - you CAN accomplish your goals that you set out to - this tool might help you stay focused on your goals. Remember to really think about WHY you are wanting these things done. What inspires you?

In other news I have 2 drop dead gorgeous neighbours who have just moved in next door. As it happens...one of them is a personal trainer. Guess who just hired him OUTSIDE of his gym for $30.00hr 3 times a month? Yes...me! I am already on my way to accomplishing my first goal and I am SO PHREAKING EXCITED!

The long look inside

Sooo. This week has been fraught with emotion. I'm suffering through the worst PMS I've ever had and yet I'm also tuning in with myself. I believe in serendipity. I believe that everything does happen for a reason and I'm becoming a bit more Spiritual in the last week or so.

Now I'm not praying to God or Allah or Buddha or anyone for that matter. I'm talking about just trying to BE and connect to the world around me.

On Tuesday I made sure to confirm with my RE:Life group for our special meeting of Life Mapping. I checked online and noticed the change of venue - but more than that, I learned that one of our members (whom I had not met) had died in a cycling accident on the Oregon coast. That night I took Tiernan out to the River Park but I was about an hour later than our regular time. As I made my way across the street to the park I noticed Caren and Caterina just entering the park.

Why was I an hour late? There was no reason. I wasn't caught up on the phone, I wasn't doing anything of note, there was no excuse other than my own lethargy preventing me from going at the regular time. I can't help but think that this was a great happening so that I could connect with Caren and Caterina outside of the Re: Life group. We spent 2 hrs talking and I learned quite a bit about Kitty - the girl that had died. I almost felt like I got to meet her from the way that Caren and Caterina were talking.

On Thursday I went to the Re:Life meeting and I was 15 minutes late. I was extremely frustrated and embarrassed and had a bit of a melt down. I was happy that they waited for me but I was flustered none the less.

The first half hour was spent as a memorial for Kitty and though I didn't know her...I couldn't stop the tears from flowing - especially during the song that Caterina had played. The song was soft and poignant and I'm sure under different circumstance it might even be uplifting. I mourned as if I knew her and felt very conflicted as I did so. Perhaps it was just that I could empathize with the group and felt their energy. Especially Caterina - who lost a good friend and potential mate in Kitty.

The next part of the meeting was spent Life Mapping. This was so incredibly hard for me because I had to look so far down inside myself. Now I'm not talking about your regular soul searching...I'm talking about the fucking Marianna's Trench of your very being. And that my little chickens...can be really dark and scary.

There was a sheet to work from that had 4 columns as follows:

GAP
Where do you feel ashamed or fear? What are you hiding?
___________________________________________________________________________

LIFE
What do you truly desire in your heart? What do you really want from Life?
_____________________________________________________________________________

BLESSING/TRUTH
How have we committed to help you turn from the Gap to Life?
______________________________________________________________________________

COMMITMENT
______________________________________________________________________________


The key here is to delve down into your very own Marianna's Trench and answer these questions honestly. Can you answer these? I won't lie to you chickens...I knew nearly immediately what my Gaps were and what I was hiding...and I cried. I cried because these are Gaps I have carried with me for nearly all my life and when I wrote them down it was like staring at my enemy right in the eye. It was nearly overwhelming.

I listed to the group share their Gaps and Life columns and I offered my blessings and commitment to those I felt comfortable doing so with. I was the last to share my Gap and Life columns and I only shared one of items I wrote down. It was the only one I wanted to share at that time and I will share it again here.

My biggest Gap right now is that both my physical and emotional houses are in shambles. I am letting my emotions rule me and I'm filling the emptiness inside me with food and lethargy. I am allowing my emotions to manifest physically into apathy, sloth and gluttony.

Soo. What do I truly want out of life in changing my gap? I want to clean these houses. I want to become more active physically and actively seek ways to control my emotions a bit more. I think that it's high time to figure out why I hide myself in my weight.

The Blessings and Encouragement that I received from the group was amazing. Especially from Josie whom I had met only once for 10 minutes. Ethan - who runs the group was particularly moving in his Blessing that he gave me.

Now I know I know we're using the word "Blessing" but it's more like a positive thought or wish for someone. This group is actually not religious at all. I'd say it's more Spiritual in that it accepts you no matter what religion you may or may not believe in. Being Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or Muslim it doesn't matter. Religion is not a part of what we discuss.

There are other items in my GAP and LIFE column and I was a bit too busy crying and trying to receive the blessings that I forgot to write them down in my Blessing/Truth column.

Now we come to the last column This one was already filled out with a pledge to the Re: Life village. This is basically up to the individual if they wanted to sign and commit to the group. The commitment could be through time, treasure or talent and it also states that there is no obligation or proof needed - it has stated that your actions demonstrate your commitment.

Of course I had no problems signing that. I have committed to this group wholeheartedly . I will try to do whatever I can to uphold the core beliefs of Compassion, Community and Communion (not in the Catholic way!!).

I can't help but think that this is the beginning of a fantastic relationship with my life and I can't wait to share this experience with others with the hope of helping them on their path as well.

One (of many) BIG IDEA

Right! I'm trying to get back into posting a bit more regularly even if this is my own drivel. It's cathartic drivel and really...I'm still of the opinion that if you don't like it don't read it. An incredibly simple concept - and yet- it alludes many.

So I did end things with Linus but I fear I have given him some false sense of hope. I am not sure if I could ever just simply accept him for who he is. I believe that a large part of what was missing for me was respect. No job, living at home, part time Dad that seems OK with giving up totally on his sons...I just could not get on board with respecting those things. He did make several strides at improving himself in our short term together - but is this enough for me? I don't know.

Right now I can't imagine being in ANY relationship at all. Right now the most fulfilling and joyous relationships I have is with Tiernan - my dog. I would like to be able to say the same thing of myself but I'm just not quite there yet and I am definitely not able to say that of my relationship with Linus.

I have recently joined a Life Coaching group called Re:Life. This isn't the typical Life Coaching scenario - this is a group discussion on a range of topics and I like this quite a bit. I like getting more than just one opinion to mull over and it feels like a pretty safe environment to share some of my crap with. I like the fact that we're all coming from vastly different places in our lives so it's not so much one on one or one vs. many but the sharing and community aspect of this group is quite amazing. If you are interested in knowing more about this then please visit their website: http://giftofrelife.com/

The key to this is being honest with yourself. It's quite a difficult thing for some - myself included. I'd love to believe that my shit doesn't stink...but it does and I'm not going to try to mask it with floral sprays. I just have to acknowledge my behaviour in whatever form it takes and then try to make the adjustments in myself to have better relationships - regardless if they are platonic, romantic, or familial.

So right now my BIG IDEA is to take a few months just for me. Stop worrying about love or sex or any combination of the two. I am quite tempted to remove myself from several online boards (not this one chickens so don't worry) just so I can have a fresh start.

I have noticed that the majority of my life changes/decisions tend to happen in Autumn. I'm not really sure why that is - perhaps I instinctively just do this close to my birthday so I have a fresh year for a fresh look/attitude.

My first dance class was a great success and I felt amazing afterwards. Linus is in my class as well and that wasn't quite as awkward as I had initially thought it was going to be. I could feel his eyes on my the entire time but I choose to just ignore it. I am determined to have fun, learn these dances and practise at every opportunity.

Today and every day I have to decide to love my life. I have to do the things that make me feel good and that not only benefits me...but those around me as well. Let go, have more, give back.

I've had an epiphany!

And I'm not too happy about it! In fact - I'm pretty disgruntled.

My life is not a movie or tv sitcom and it's not likely to become one anytime soon. How completely disappointing!! There is no guy waiting in the wings for me to notice him, there is no drop dead gorgeous man who will suddenly decide that an overweight woman with shaky self esteem is his great big fat (insert ethnicity) wedding.


The one great trait I have is my ability to dodge the "miserable ever after" bullet.

Miguel and I broke up - I'm not going to get into it. It's over, it's done, it was all built on lies he told me and I told myself. I am just as much to blame as him - I was pretty sure he was full of shit but I just wanted my dream to come true so badly that I failed to pay attention to all the warning signs.

So now I'm seeing Linus. There are so many great qualities about Linus...unfortunately - he is my bitter rebound. I know this because for every great quality he has I see about 10 flaws. There are many many women who he could make blissfully happy - but I think in the end I would make him totally unhappy. There are too many things that make him innately him that I want him to completely change!

I am not used to dating down on an intellectual level and I am doing that with Linus. He's not dumb - but he's not that smart. It's not even a book vs. street smart issue. I can't quite explain it. Perhaps it just comes down paying attention - and I am not talking about to 'the little things'. He can't see the BIG THINGS yet he will try his hardest to find the little things.

Anyway...I just need some time to find a way to gently tell him that this is just not going to work out in the long run.

I bring this up because one of my very best friend's just got married. I got very caught up in the romance of the wedding that I found myself day-dreaming about my own wedding - and knew in my heart that the man I marry would not be Linus.

So here I am with the promise of improving myself (again) and I am just wondering...where to start? Yes my weight has become an issue - I am no longer comfortable in my own body and of course that shows in public. However, I'm not so naive to think that my weight is what is holding my back from my happily every after.

So what is it? What the fuck is happening in my brain that I can't figure my life out!!! BAHHHH

Ahem.

And if someone finds the script to my life can they reveal if I get my happily ever after without totally giving away the fun and mystery of my happily ever after ending??

Thanks.

Royally Fucked

Don't be alarmed little chickens...I'm not talking about being screwed in any other way other than in the bestest way possible!!!

I can't even begin to tell you what last night was like. There are no words. It was the sort of sex that is written about by the likes of Anais Nin or even Henry Miller...or Anais Nin ABOUT Henry Miller! teehee It was the sort of sex that required a considerable amount of re-hydration and linen changing. It was the sort of sex I was not sure I was ever going to have in my life.

I don't want to get into all the juicy details but I just wanted to post something. I was never more completely satisfied as I was last night. I was never so responsive or had a partner so willing to please me.

The more time I spend with Miguel the more I feel a very calm, relaxed and very deep connection to him. It is a slow burn...like the embers of a camp fire that are still there in the morning so you can have a warm and quiet moment to yourself and then you can put a few logs on and the fire continues into the next day...and so on and so on.

A brief update of the heart

So I have reached the stage of my relationship with Miguel where I begin to doubt absolutely everything. Despite him being really caring, and great communication skills and a host of other pluses...I can't help but feel this nagging horrible voice in my head that says "this is too good to be true!".

I have also gained some weight since we started dating and I know it is because I have been less active and been drinking more beer than I usually do. I have decided to take affirmative action toward my health and really focus a bit more on ME. This includes my diet, going to the gym and taking Tiernan (my puppy) for much needed loooonnnnggggg walks! Oh - and I'm going to see a councilor as well - time to get to the heart of what is a matter I think.

I wonder when my self confidence got so shaky? When did I stop believing in myself and my ability to adapt? I am feeling exceptionally homesick this week and have broken down more than once in weepy tears. I miss my friends a lot. I really miss Rosa, Bman, Jordie, Leroy, Rus and Tryst like phreaking mad mad mad.

The GOOD news is -they may all (or some) be coming to visit over the Easter long weekend! HOOORAH! This means of course that I will need to be working like a phreaking mad bastard doing some SERIOUS OT to make sure that I can have the weekend clear so I don't have ANY work distractions happening over that weekend.

I am starting to look forward to my trip to San Francisco. I do love that city and the group I'm going with is pretty cool. Having said that...I'm behind on their documents so I really need to make sure that everything is A OK or this guy will totally phreak out!!

I really hope my friends are able to come out. I am wishing that with all my heart and soul and sending out pleading vibes to the universe to provide for me some much needed R&R with people I love. I am especially needing this as I am not able to come home for Easter and see my family.

Oh - I saw what I believe was a birch tree on my walk with Tiernan today. I have long dreamt of the birch trees from my childhood and can remember how the leaves would sound when the wind blew through them. I thought I smelt the salty musky smell of the sauna from camp as I sat there looking at the birch bark tree. I was overcome with missing my youth and especially my Grandma.

Attending Grandma's funeral was phreaking brutal. There will be NO open casket for me. No way! I was DUPED into seeing her in the casket. DUPED I tell you! When Grandpa asked all us Grandchildren to come into the Anex I thought it was to give us instructions on what to do as pall bearers. No. It was to see Grandma laid out before us for a last goodbye. For me an open casket is not a good way for a final goodbye. It's creepy as hell and Grandma looked like a very hollow shell of her former self. Even the last time I saw her and she was very weak and frail...she looked better than falsely puffed up with embalming fluid and too much makeup. It was horrible, I hated it and I would be lieing if I didn't admit that it has given me nightmeres for the last 2 months.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am looking forward to meeting my new healthy needs with a positive attitude.

Chippin' away

So this week has been very trying and I know I'm suffering from some serious PMS but when my crazy hormones are met with people who are unreasonably demanding, rude and pretty much down right PROUD of their ignorance...well...you can imagine the tizzy I have been in.

I often wonder how people can think it's OK to be less than mediocre. In dealing with a supplier this week I received an email that was so full of spelling mistakes that it was appalling! The writer of the letter actually used the (I'm going to use 'word' here...but clearly it's not a word at all!) word "whut". Whut??? WHUT??? Do you mean WHAT? Holy Shit! This is a BUSINESS letter!

Going on public forums and making mention of how spelling has seemingly gone by the way-side I was FLAMED for it. That I was picking on people, coming off arrogant, flaunting my education. My god. If being able to have a gr.8 level of spelling is FLAUNTING my education then YES...I guess I am!

This just really made me so sad. The people that were so vocal about how it's acceptable to have such poor spelling have kids. They are raising their kids that it's OK to be too lazy to use spell check and that if someone says something you disagree with ...not only is it OK but EXPECTED that you retaliate not with logic...but with insults.

Anyway...the bright spot in my week has been Miguel. We hung out on Monday night (I made dinner) and then we went dancing yesterday. I absolutely do care about Miguel. He is really quite sweet and he treats me a lot of respect and silliness - which I do adore.

He is forever giving me compliments and I'm not afraid to admit that the sex is pretty good! He has amazing tattoos on his arms and for some reason I can't keep my eyes off them when we're naked. I know he thinks I don't look elsewhere but I do...my eyes just keep roaming back to his arms.

I am starting to feel more relaxed and open around him. I think I've stopped phreaking out over my body and our noticeable height difference. I am taller than him by at least 3 inches. I think at first it bothered me...but now I don't even notice it!

Saturday is Valentine's Day and I admit that I have pretty high expectations. We are going for dinner and more salsa dancing. I plan on having a little gift for him including one of my favourite Pablo Naruda poems written out in both English and Spanish for him. The gift isn't much...I admit that I have been exceptionally rusty in the 'how to be romantic' department but for some reason I really want to try with Miguel.

I am going to really try to breathe and enjoy this and just see where this goes. Maybe we'll end up with a house on the beach in Mexico, maybe we'll end up with a house on the coast in BC. or maybe this will all end in tequila tears. The point is...I am going to allow myself to feel whatever this is.

I think that I have spied a chip in the wall...

You're terrible Kwerkie

So here I am...watching "My" movie. "Muriel's Wedding". It smacks so much of me (minus the ocker Aussie accent) I can't decide whether to laugh or cry. I think I'm leaning more toward crying.

Why am I so blocked from opening myself up? Why do I want something when I'm clearly not quite ready? I know Marcus is waiting for me to call him...I'm sure he thinks I would have called him by now...and I think I am supposed to...but I can't pick up the phone.

I used to be so open. I used to be that girl that believed that love conquers all and that all you need is love and I may as well be Ewan McGregor in Moulan Rouge! But here I am...a bitter Kwerkie. I feel consumed by the bitterness - I'm drowning in it...I open my mouth to breathe and all that comes in is terrible horrible bitterness - so sour I choke on it.

I have gotten so very good at running away from myself that I have it down to an artform. However; in typical fashion, the honeymoon lasts for about 6 months to a year and then CRASH! Reality marches in, slaps me in the face and I am left with the stingburning across my face. I can feel it...and yet I do nothing about it.

The gym has my money and not my presence. This blog has been long sitting dusty out there in the ether. I'm sleeping more, eating more and feeling more and more like crawling under my covers and never coming out.

When is this spiral going to break? Where to start is the best question...I know I need change, I need progress, I need something positive in my life. If the journey begins with a single step...what is the step that needs to be taken first?

I think I'm going to just start by being a bit nicer to myself. Maybe I'll start with a smile.

The Great Wall of Kwerkie

When it happened I am really not sure...but somewhere between Ronan and Roberto I have created a rather large wall around my heart and despite my good intentions...I have no way of knocking it down Berlin style.

I am dating a guy who is very nearly too good to be true. Today he called me out on the wall factor. He says lovely things to me all the time - how he loves spending time with me, how he can't wait to see me again, how beautiful I am, that he accepts my curves but encourages healthy choices. He loves my brain and furthermore...demands that it be constantly stimulated.

I am trying my best to let him in. I am, I really am...but for some reason I am blocking. We have these really intense conversations, he's so super at all the little things...an yet here I am with this horrible wall up and I haven't been able to find my axe or cycle! bahhhh!

I am really hesitant for some reason...and despite me bringing up my fears with him...and us talking about it...I'm still not getting my papers approved to cross over!

Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

After a long hard look...

inside of myself...I have decided to forage once more into this blog.

There has been a few drastic changes that have occurred and so I thought it high time to share. First off...the move to Calgary has been very much like a dream. Only in the dream I'm stressed out about the sheer volume of work I have to do!

I'm a bit lonely...but am slowly making friends in the real world by continuously going out and joining new and exciting ventures. I"m learning Spanish! (hola!) and I'm going to the gym (sometimes) and...I am the proud companion to a 4 legged furry baby named Tiernan!

So far I have to say that I LOVE being a dog owner! I get to go outside 3 times a day (though in the bitter cold I admit we don't go for a walk) and I'm meeting loads of neat people at the dog park.

I am far too busy at work though. It's mental how many new schools I have as clients. I am always going hither and tither and it constantly amazes me how entitled my new clients are. Perhaps they are my new clients because they have been 'fired' from the competition!

My dating life...well. I am going on NUMEROUS dates -but I'm still no closer to finding anyone who I am particularly excited about. There are statistically more men than women in this city and people here care more about personality than physicality which is refreshing but at the same time...I find many of the men here to be Momma's Boys or just lack the self confidence to be able to be in a partnership with me.

I just wonder if this move is me trying to better myself or trying to run away from myself. There is a large part of this that feels very unreal. Like suddenly I'm going to wake up and then find myself back in my old place in Vancouver.

This is such trifle but I had to at least *start* to write something. I do apologize for mundane nature of the post...like I said...I just needed to begin again.