Reaching...reaching....

So here I am back in Vancouver for the week surrounded by my Usual Suspects who love me and know me and just accept me for who I am...and I am feeling totally disconnected.

I am feeling in such a flux at the moment and I'm hoping it's just because I am recovering from a horrible case of the flu. In fact, if I were to believe those around me I had the H1N1 virus. I'm not 100% convinced but that's mostly because I don't want to think that I had anything piggy about me.

I am constantly thinking in the back of my head on what I am NOT doing. I'm NOT getting out to move for 30 minutes a day. I am NOT putting my change into a savings jar and these things are bothering me. And then I think...wtf! that is totally GAP based thinking and that has got to stop.

Sooo. I opened up a tin of chocolates on my trade show desk today and when they were all eaten by my various visitors I took the tin and emptied out all my change into it. I will be using this for the rest of my trip to put my change in.

I am feeling a bit better about THAT.

Now. Tonight I am going to hang out with one of my bff's and we're going to crack a bottle of wine, chat and hopefully I will start to feel a bit more human.

This is alllll over the place here so just be warned.

I am missing my Re:Life Community. I hate that I haven't been out in 2 weeks though it was nice to connect with a few of them in the week before I left. I feel like I need to slow down my life a bit and I am annoyed that my current employment is preventing me from dedicating more time to the Re:Life Village. Mostly I am resentful that I am missing out on the meetings.

I have been feeling like I am reaching the end of my tolerance for how unethical my boss is, how poorly he treats his staff and especially how poorly he runs the business. I have been feeling like I am reaching the end of my complacency. I am no longer able to just do this or that at his will without questioning him...and I know that is not my role...but I just can't help myself.

I am also feeling like I am reaching out more to my friends and family and trying to repair, renew and reevaluate my relationships.

I am reaching deep within myself as well to get the strength to face the trials that are about to be faced. I am not going into this lightly. I know that the changes I want to make in my life will have me looking down into some dark scary places I have buried for a long time. I am reaching the point where I can no longer ignore the monsters in my closet and it's time for them to come out and be revealed for the harmless things they are. For I know once I expose them and deal with things I will be free - truly free - to make better connections in my life in ALL the areas that really matter to me.

SO! I have made the decision to attend the next Re:Life meet up even if that means I have to get up EXTRA early the next day to set up the trade show for the Red Deer crowd. This is just something I have to do for myself. I need to keep this up so that I don't fall into hibernation mode. I need to do this for myself. I am so close, so on the verge of making a real transformation...not just a temporary change...I'm talking about leaving my cocoon and actually using my wings to fly. I am reaching reaching reaching and this time I mean to hold on!