I've had an epiphany!

And I'm not too happy about it! In fact - I'm pretty disgruntled.

My life is not a movie or tv sitcom and it's not likely to become one anytime soon. How completely disappointing!! There is no guy waiting in the wings for me to notice him, there is no drop dead gorgeous man who will suddenly decide that an overweight woman with shaky self esteem is his great big fat (insert ethnicity) wedding.


The one great trait I have is my ability to dodge the "miserable ever after" bullet.

Miguel and I broke up - I'm not going to get into it. It's over, it's done, it was all built on lies he told me and I told myself. I am just as much to blame as him - I was pretty sure he was full of shit but I just wanted my dream to come true so badly that I failed to pay attention to all the warning signs.

So now I'm seeing Linus. There are so many great qualities about Linus...unfortunately - he is my bitter rebound. I know this because for every great quality he has I see about 10 flaws. There are many many women who he could make blissfully happy - but I think in the end I would make him totally unhappy. There are too many things that make him innately him that I want him to completely change!

I am not used to dating down on an intellectual level and I am doing that with Linus. He's not dumb - but he's not that smart. It's not even a book vs. street smart issue. I can't quite explain it. Perhaps it just comes down paying attention - and I am not talking about to 'the little things'. He can't see the BIG THINGS yet he will try his hardest to find the little things.

Anyway...I just need some time to find a way to gently tell him that this is just not going to work out in the long run.

I bring this up because one of my very best friend's just got married. I got very caught up in the romance of the wedding that I found myself day-dreaming about my own wedding - and knew in my heart that the man I marry would not be Linus.

So here I am with the promise of improving myself (again) and I am just wondering...where to start? Yes my weight has become an issue - I am no longer comfortable in my own body and of course that shows in public. However, I'm not so naive to think that my weight is what is holding my back from my happily every after.

So what is it? What the fuck is happening in my brain that I can't figure my life out!!! BAHHHH

Ahem.

And if someone finds the script to my life can they reveal if I get my happily ever after without totally giving away the fun and mystery of my happily ever after ending??

Thanks.