So here I am...watching "My" movie. "Muriel's Wedding". It smacks so much of me (minus the ocker Aussie accent) I can't decide whether to laugh or cry. I think I'm leaning more toward crying.
Why am I so blocked from opening myself up? Why do I want something when I'm clearly not quite ready? I know Marcus is waiting for me to call him...I'm sure he thinks I would have called him by now...and I think I am supposed to...but I can't pick up the phone.
I used to be so open. I used to be that girl that believed that love conquers all and that all you need is love and I may as well be Ewan McGregor in Moulan Rouge! But here I am...a bitter Kwerkie. I feel consumed by the bitterness - I'm drowning in it...I open my mouth to breathe and all that comes in is terrible horrible bitterness - so sour I choke on it.
I have gotten so very good at running away from myself that I have it down to an artform. However; in typical fashion, the honeymoon lasts for about 6 months to a year and then CRASH! Reality marches in, slaps me in the face and I am left with the stingburning across my face. I can feel it...and yet I do nothing about it.
The gym has my money and not my presence. This blog has been long sitting dusty out there in the ether. I'm sleeping more, eating more and feeling more and more like crawling under my covers and never coming out.
When is this spiral going to break? Where to start is the best question...I know I need change, I need progress, I need something positive in my life. If the journey begins with a single step...what is the step that needs to be taken first?
I think I'm going to just start by being a bit nicer to myself. Maybe I'll start with a smile.
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