Right! I'm trying to get back into posting a bit more regularly even if this is my own drivel. It's cathartic drivel and really...I'm still of the opinion that if you don't like it don't read it. An incredibly simple concept - and yet- it alludes many.
So I did end things with Linus but I fear I have given him some false sense of hope. I am not sure if I could ever just simply accept him for who he is. I believe that a large part of what was missing for me was respect. No job, living at home, part time Dad that seems OK with giving up totally on his sons...I just could not get on board with respecting those things. He did make several strides at improving himself in our short term together - but is this enough for me? I don't know.
Right now I can't imagine being in ANY relationship at all. Right now the most fulfilling and joyous relationships I have is with Tiernan - my dog. I would like to be able to say the same thing of myself but I'm just not quite there yet and I am definitely not able to say that of my relationship with Linus.
I have recently joined a Life Coaching group called Re:Life. This isn't the typical Life Coaching scenario - this is a group discussion on a range of topics and I like this quite a bit. I like getting more than just one opinion to mull over and it feels like a pretty safe environment to share some of my crap with. I like the fact that we're all coming from vastly different places in our lives so it's not so much one on one or one vs. many but the sharing and community aspect of this group is quite amazing. If you are interested in knowing more about this then please visit their website: http://giftofrelife.com/
The key to this is being honest with yourself. It's quite a difficult thing for some - myself included. I'd love to believe that my shit doesn't stink...but it does and I'm not going to try to mask it with floral sprays. I just have to acknowledge my behaviour in whatever form it takes and then try to make the adjustments in myself to have better relationships - regardless if they are platonic, romantic, or familial.
So right now my BIG IDEA is to take a few months just for me. Stop worrying about love or sex or any combination of the two. I am quite tempted to remove myself from several online boards (not this one chickens so don't worry) just so I can have a fresh start.
I have noticed that the majority of my life changes/decisions tend to happen in Autumn. I'm not really sure why that is - perhaps I instinctively just do this close to my birthday so I have a fresh year for a fresh look/attitude.
My first dance class was a great success and I felt amazing afterwards. Linus is in my class as well and that wasn't quite as awkward as I had initially thought it was going to be. I could feel his eyes on my the entire time but I choose to just ignore it. I am determined to have fun, learn these dances and practise at every opportunity.
Today and every day I have to decide to love my life. I have to do the things that make me feel good and that not only benefits me...but those around me as well. Let go, have more, give back.
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