So Rodger dumped me about 2 months ago and I haven't had the bravery to tell you. It's so ridiculous I know...WHO exactly am I telling anyway? The world?? Sure. Why not.
The WORST of the WORST is ...I was really hurt...still am hurt. I have also remained his 'friend' which seems more painful to me...soon I will likely pull the plug on even that. I do believe my friend card is full.
So here was my initial reaction to Rodger's "It's not you it's me" break up.
***
The problem with being an emotional person is that when I have an emotion...any emotion at all....I really really feel it. I'm not that great at shutting off the switch; of pushing things to the corner and getting to them later (if at all) and it's not like I want to become some sort of Kathy3000 or anything, but wouldn't it be super great if I could just set the doubts and fears aside for a rainy day?
Of course, having said that, I DO live in Vancouver so saving *anything* for a rainy day is a dangerous venture. I'd be more likely to be consumed by the very things I wish to put off if I saved them for a rainy day.
What I have admitted to myself is that I am the common denominator in my life.
If I wish to change some of my behaviours that frustrate me -these things need to be changed from the core.
An example - my apartment seems to be in a constant state of squaller. This does not make me want to spend time in my own abode. This also does not make me want to tackle what feels (really really feels) like an impossible task of creating cleanliness and order.
My apartment reflects my life. Keep it in a state of clutter and mess and my life as a whole seems to be cluttered and messy.
Another good example is that I make some decent coin...but I have NOTHING to show for it and I am successfully playing Ostrich to my debt.
SO...enough! If I can not make myself accountable to myself NOW...when will I? On the cusp of my 40th Birthday? That hardly seems pragmatic. The time is now. The hour is at hand when I can really DO something and make positive changes at my very core.
I deserve to live in a place that makes me feel relaxed and safe. Having to walk a gauntlet just to get to the kitchen is not conducive to that. I deserve to live in a comfortable financial state without the nagging anxiety of knowing I owe this or that.
The nice thing about unexpected events that occur in your life is that you get the opportunity to look at it...really look deeply at it...and figure out ways to make positive steps for only yourself.
This week has me at the bank - please wish me fiscal luck! A car is needed by 30 June and it would be SWELL if I could get a relatively 'newish' one. I'm hoping for a green one...I like the colour green.
Also- I wanted to say something about my friends. What amazing women and men I have in my life! The support and love I have received from you (and you know who you are!!!) was amazing. The martinis and ice cream helped a bit...but the love (and Monkey lovin') was what I really needed. And never underestimate the power of a few beautifully written words to remind oneself of some things that may have temporarily been forgotten.
So here I go...looking at the common denominator, subtracting the messy clutter and financial irresponsibility, adding more positive changes and I might just finally be me - the sum of all awesomeness. ( I had to consciously avoid the use of the term 'pie' in that math analogy).
And...because I don't mind a mixed metaphor...I am suddenly reminded of a very sexy story about a Lotus flower. In my journey I think I am as the Lotus is in the picture here - nearly ready to open and be utterly fabulous.
The WORST of the WORST is ...I was really hurt...still am hurt. I have also remained his 'friend' which seems more painful to me...soon I will likely pull the plug on even that. I do believe my friend card is full.
So here was my initial reaction to Rodger's "It's not you it's me" break up.
***
The problem with being an emotional person is that when I have an emotion...any emotion at all....I really really feel it. I'm not that great at shutting off the switch; of pushing things to the corner and getting to them later (if at all) and it's not like I want to become some sort of Kathy3000 or anything, but wouldn't it be super great if I could just set the doubts and fears aside for a rainy day?
Of course, having said that, I DO live in Vancouver so saving *anything* for a rainy day is a dangerous venture. I'd be more likely to be consumed by the very things I wish to put off if I saved them for a rainy day.
What I have admitted to myself is that I am the common denominator in my life.
If I wish to change some of my behaviours that frustrate me -these things need to be changed from the core.
An example - my apartment seems to be in a constant state of squaller. This does not make me want to spend time in my own abode. This also does not make me want to tackle what feels (really really feels) like an impossible task of creating cleanliness and order.
My apartment reflects my life. Keep it in a state of clutter and mess and my life as a whole seems to be cluttered and messy.
Another good example is that I make some decent coin...but I have NOTHING to show for it and I am successfully playing Ostrich to my debt.
SO...enough! If I can not make myself accountable to myself NOW...when will I? On the cusp of my 40th Birthday? That hardly seems pragmatic. The time is now. The hour is at hand when I can really DO something and make positive changes at my very core.
I deserve to live in a place that makes me feel relaxed and safe. Having to walk a gauntlet just to get to the kitchen is not conducive to that. I deserve to live in a comfortable financial state without the nagging anxiety of knowing I owe this or that.
The nice thing about unexpected events that occur in your life is that you get the opportunity to look at it...really look deeply at it...and figure out ways to make positive steps for only yourself.
This week has me at the bank - please wish me fiscal luck! A car is needed by 30 June and it would be SWELL if I could get a relatively 'newish' one. I'm hoping for a green one...I like the colour green.
Also- I wanted to say something about my friends. What amazing women and men I have in my life! The support and love I have received from you (and you know who you are!!!) was amazing. The martinis and ice cream helped a bit...but the love (and Monkey lovin') was what I really needed. And never underestimate the power of a few beautifully written words to remind oneself of some things that may have temporarily been forgotten.
So here I go...looking at the common denominator, subtracting the messy clutter and financial irresponsibility, adding more positive changes and I might just finally be me - the sum of all awesomeness. ( I had to consciously avoid the use of the term 'pie' in that math analogy).
And...because I don't mind a mixed metaphor...I am suddenly reminded of a very sexy story about a Lotus flower. In my journey I think I am as the Lotus is in the picture here - nearly ready to open and be utterly fabulous.
1 comment:
I love you too.
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