Another brick in the wall

Sooo...it's been about 2 months since Rodger dumped me and there are few thoughts I wanted to share with you - the world.

This is probably the first time in my life I can actually FEEEEEEL my walls coming up. Brick my brick, emotional coping device after emotional coping device I can nearly feel my heart hardening...or maybe it's just been the excess dairy I've been eating.

So I figured the best way to get over Rodger was to get under someone else. *sigh* This is not going as well as I had planned. First off...the guy I have as my 're-bound dude' is older than me by about 13years. Normally this wouldn't bother me but I am beginning to suspect that he's an alcoholic...and so...when he spends the night at my place I repeatedly have dreams of my alcoholic father.

Harvey is kind and has a lot of lovely things to say to me...but we are really not fooling anyone. This is just sex. Good sex for sure...but it's just sex. Now with this really odd Electra factor happening I am finding that I just don't return his calls or texts nearly as quickly as I'm sure he would hope. Sometimes I don't call or text him back at all. I am aloof to him and when he asks me things about myself - I don't really answer him but use very clever deflective skills.

I am amazed that even as I am doing this strange dance of lust with Harvey...I still find myself thinking of Rodger and still hoping that he might actually come to his senses. And then...then I suddenly think...why?

I can't trust Rodger again...so the ONLY reason I would want him to come crawling back would to PURPOSELY (yes - you read that right) be MEAN to him. For some reason I want to hurt him as he hurt me...only worse and with a better vocabulary.

Why is it that I can't seem to resist contacting him only to be aloof and acerbic towards him? WHAT is the point? WHY isn't my energy being spent elsewhere? Like...yoga or working out or painting or ANYTHING but what I'm currently doing.

Even recognizing this toxic behaviour hasn't STOPPED me. I am embarrassed and yet I can't seem to stop myself and move on. I am hoping that by writing all this done I will now be able to let this go.

Let go
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Oh....and I'm moving to Alberta! More news on that soon. I refuse to become a Flames fan...and I'm not sure I can be a full time country music listener...but I might just take up curling in the winter!