Monday, April 18, 2005

A bump in the road?

I'm feeling frustrated.

Ronan and I talked most of Sunday night...then we met up on Monday and talked some more, had a WONDERFUL dinner - things were going so well...and then WHAMO!

Ronan makes flippant comments about cheating - hooking up with girls...still trolling lavalife for "fun". I told him how this makes me feel badly and that I really don't like it etc. I asked him why he keeps saying these things? He said it was just an offhand remark. Something happened then and I'm not sure what it was - but he stopped being as affectionate to me. We crawled into bed and he turned away from me.

Hurt and confused I tried to get him to talk to me about it but he wouldn't.

Then something strange happened.

Aramous phones at 11:50PM and I answer the phone. I call Aramous "baby" and we have a brief and awkward conversation - I was waking up...it was nearly midnight when he called.

Ronan is now even more distant to me. Upset that I could call someone else "baby", upset that it was a man who I did go out with and that it didn't matter if it was only one date. I don't think that Ronan believes men and women can be friends and affectionate with each other. He believes that friends don't hug or kiss etc and now he needs to decide if he can be around "that".

He also says that he doesn't like the "restrictions" I have put on him. This is coming from a man that not 5 hrs prior was professing his love and talking about marriage etc. How can I reconcile his wanting to still troll through lavalife and him saying that he doesn't want to be with anyone else? If that is true...why bother looking?

Just when you think it can't get any worse...it does!!! In the morning he is still distant. No morning cuddles...no fooling around....nothing. I try to talk to him about it before he leaves...and then....and then...THEN he calls me by his ex girlfriend's name! WTF???

Somehow I managed NOT to slap him. Amazing self restraint on my part I do believe.

He leaves and I am upset.

I get ready for work and on my way to work I call him. We chat. I don't feel any better and nothing is resolved.

We meet for lunch. We chat. Some things are cleared up. We are both in agreement that his behaviour makes no sense. I'd like to point out that whereas recognition is half the battle...it doesn't change the fact that he shut me out and pouted over nothing.

His insecurity with my male friends is unwarranted. I have never, not ONCE, cheated on ANY of my boyfriends. I came very very close to once and most people would believe it would be justified. The German was cheating on me after all...would have been tit for tat. HOWEVER! I am just not the type of person that would do that. As unhappy as I was, as tempted as I was...I did not pursue it and removed myself from the "danger zone" as it were. I've had 3 relationships where my boyfriend had cheated on me...I know what that feels like and it's really shitty. I would not inflict that on someone else.

Besides that...I'm not a very good liar (I can never remember the details) and the GUILT of having cheated on someone would eat me alive....ALIVE I tell you!!!!

What I want to do here is build a solid, trusting, loving relationship with Ronan. And that can only happen if we talk about this shit-house behaviour and resolve it. If it doesn't change...then things are going to look a whole lot different. I'd be single again and would have to cut my hair.

Kwerkie - wanting long flowing tresses.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well my two bits came to you in the earlier email today - none of it has to be private, but I'll leave that to you...

Anonymous said...

I find it interesting how it's justifiable to call a friend-who-is-a-boy "baby" while in bed with your current lover, but calling someone by their ex's name isn't? My last ex was married for 10+ years, and sometimes she’d call me by her ex-husband’s name out of habit (to be honest, it didn’t bug me all that much – I’d just retort by calling her one of my ex’s names). Christ, I even called one of my buddies by my ex’s name when we were having a very lively argument. Often in emotional moments we can fall into “default” behavior. And to top it all off, you brush off your faux pau with, “I was waking up...it was nearly midnight when he called.” Is that a double standard I just stepped in or am I standing in a cow pasture?

p.s. Maybe he called you by his ex’s name to get back at you for calling another guy “baby” while he was lying in bed next to you.

p.p.s. I am not condoning his behavior, just chastising yours… ;-P