I've been going to bed lately asking for sleep but most importantly for peace. For peace of mind and peace in my heart. The crazy emotional roller coaster I've been riding for a month now has pretty much been making me sick.
I talked once more to Jordan and believe it or not...it was a good conversation and I went to bed feeling like this IS getting easier/better/healed. Maybe because it was just an enjoyable conversation or maybe it's because I have made my decision about school and moving back to Vancouver and I am pursuing my dreams...FINALLY.
When asked the usual question "what else do you know" I had a LOT to say. It felt great to be able to tell him that in 4 weeks there has been a lot of change and a lot of progress and it's making me feel like I can get my life moving in exactly the direction I want.
So I've been asking for peace and I feel like at long last I have some. Peace of mind that my decision to go back to school is in fact the right one. Peace that taking the move and working until DEC is also the right one. But most of all I am finding peace in my heart with the fact that my relationship with Jordan is over.
Despite never having reached the full potential that I thought was there I am slowly being able to let it go. The "what might have been's" really can not have any place in my life. I must focus on what is happening now and how I want to run my professional life. I can't tinker around with boys and most especially boys who have not yet become men despite ageing close to their 40's.
I have also noticed that I tend to date 38yr olds and they all seem to be broken. Maybe it's will be wiser to date slightly younger men when my schooling is finished.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
WTF?
So no sooner do I post my letter I will never send and delete Jordan from my phone and facebook...he fucking texts me. We talked. I can't believe the tornado of emotions I am experiencing. I love him I hate him I want to erase the entire 6 months we were together and I wish we never broke up.
I need something to soothe me. I need to cry cry cry cry until my tears just wash away all the hurt and anger. I wonder when these feelings will just END.
I need something to soothe me. I need to cry cry cry cry until my tears just wash away all the hurt and anger. I wonder when these feelings will just END.
This is a letter I will never send
Dear Jordan - Please fuck off.
So...it's occurred to me that we're probably not going to actually BE friends...are we? At least not the sort that actually call each other to see what is new and to write to keep in touch so it just seems strange to pretend that we will be.
You waited until you knew I was back in Calgary to text me about your Mum and I guess the only reason I wanted to see your Mum was because there was a small part of me that wished things were a bit different.
In the last few weeks I have examined our relationship and I have come to the following conclusion -you were never really IN it. I carried it the whole way and I suppose it was just convenient for you to ride along. I think this is why you were not able to have an orgasm - you weren't connected to me emotionally at all.
Looking back there were several signs which I just ignored because I liked you, but in hind sight were glaring examples that you were not at all interested in me. This is why the sex was such a failure for you, without being remotely emotionally connected to me it was all futile. I'm not even certain that I am the first woman you've had this issue with. Prior to our first 'date' in Dec you asked me "What if the sex is oogey" to which I replied as long as we had open communication and were willing to work on it we would be fine. Well...you never did have that open communication or willingness to work on it.
Valentine's Day - we specifically had a conversation about what would be lovely for Valentine's Day without bowing to the consumer pressure but rather celebrating the spirit of romance. And despite me telling you how simple it would be to put a smile on my face all you could do was nothing...and then bitterly argue the consumerism point to defend yourself for your complete lack of interest in being romantic with me.
Easter - you disappeared for a week after my friends were here and claimed you needed your space because they were too white/pasty and that no one met your standards of intelligence or success. A week where you didn't care to call or see me or to even grow a pair of balls to end it. I made endless excuses for you saying you were a loner, you weren't used to being in a relationship, you were scared of how fast things seemed to be going between us.
I should have pulled the plug so many times and I was just hoping that one day you would see me the way I saw you.
The worst of it was the way you behaved towards me on that Saturday - as if I meant nothing to you. Sadly I never knew how true that was until I sat back and really looked at everything.
What makes me so angry is that you KNEW! You KNEW you weren't into me and you KNEW this was nothing and yet you CONTINUED to see me and let me believe all was not just OK...but wonderful. How is it that you were OK with being so selfish and hurtful? How could you not know that letting me go when you realized you weren't into me would be better for both of us?
How is it that at 38 you are not yet a man? When do you think you'll grow up?
I feel badly for the women you will meet next and I can only hope that they have the good sense to see the signs earlier and do the right thing, the thing that you could not do- end things with grace and courtesy and honesty.
The good news is that your sexual dysfunction will haunt you until you are ready to deal with your emotional paralysis. So your choices are to continue to excuse your emotional immaturity on your search for Truth and Justice in face of the scary New World Order...or you can face your past and fears and finally deal with them.
I suspect you will be a confirmed bachelor...after all, you never ever do what you don't want to do- not ever- including being brave enough to break up with someone face to face, to be honest with your feelings and to take responsibility for your actions and orgasms.
I'm trying to let go of the anger I have towards you...and I'm sure that it will leave in time -but for now Jordan...I just want you to Fuck Off. I've deleted you from my life and that feels like a good step in the right direction for me.
So...it's occurred to me that we're probably not going to actually BE friends...are we? At least not the sort that actually call each other to see what is new and to write to keep in touch so it just seems strange to pretend that we will be.
You waited until you knew I was back in Calgary to text me about your Mum and I guess the only reason I wanted to see your Mum was because there was a small part of me that wished things were a bit different.
In the last few weeks I have examined our relationship and I have come to the following conclusion -you were never really IN it. I carried it the whole way and I suppose it was just convenient for you to ride along. I think this is why you were not able to have an orgasm - you weren't connected to me emotionally at all.
Looking back there were several signs which I just ignored because I liked you, but in hind sight were glaring examples that you were not at all interested in me. This is why the sex was such a failure for you, without being remotely emotionally connected to me it was all futile. I'm not even certain that I am the first woman you've had this issue with. Prior to our first 'date' in Dec you asked me "What if the sex is oogey" to which I replied as long as we had open communication and were willing to work on it we would be fine. Well...you never did have that open communication or willingness to work on it.
Valentine's Day - we specifically had a conversation about what would be lovely for Valentine's Day without bowing to the consumer pressure but rather celebrating the spirit of romance. And despite me telling you how simple it would be to put a smile on my face all you could do was nothing...and then bitterly argue the consumerism point to defend yourself for your complete lack of interest in being romantic with me.
Easter - you disappeared for a week after my friends were here and claimed you needed your space because they were too white/pasty and that no one met your standards of intelligence or success. A week where you didn't care to call or see me or to even grow a pair of balls to end it. I made endless excuses for you saying you were a loner, you weren't used to being in a relationship, you were scared of how fast things seemed to be going between us.
I should have pulled the plug so many times and I was just hoping that one day you would see me the way I saw you.
The worst of it was the way you behaved towards me on that Saturday - as if I meant nothing to you. Sadly I never knew how true that was until I sat back and really looked at everything.
What makes me so angry is that you KNEW! You KNEW you weren't into me and you KNEW this was nothing and yet you CONTINUED to see me and let me believe all was not just OK...but wonderful. How is it that you were OK with being so selfish and hurtful? How could you not know that letting me go when you realized you weren't into me would be better for both of us?
How is it that at 38 you are not yet a man? When do you think you'll grow up?
I feel badly for the women you will meet next and I can only hope that they have the good sense to see the signs earlier and do the right thing, the thing that you could not do- end things with grace and courtesy and honesty.
The good news is that your sexual dysfunction will haunt you until you are ready to deal with your emotional paralysis. So your choices are to continue to excuse your emotional immaturity on your search for Truth and Justice in face of the scary New World Order...or you can face your past and fears and finally deal with them.
I suspect you will be a confirmed bachelor...after all, you never ever do what you don't want to do- not ever- including being brave enough to break up with someone face to face, to be honest with your feelings and to take responsibility for your actions and orgasms.
I'm trying to let go of the anger I have towards you...and I'm sure that it will leave in time -but for now Jordan...I just want you to Fuck Off. I've deleted you from my life and that feels like a good step in the right direction for me.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
On dented cans of green beans, mystery meat and a grocery list of change
So I've been thinking a while about the types of men I have been dating in the last 6 or 7 years. I've been thinking a LOT about it lately and it's taken up quite a bit of my spare time and even quite a bit of the time I don't have to spare.
I have realized that I keep dating guys who seem to have a dark and twisty side to them and who have been through something quite profound in their past that leave them the dented cans of green beans that I picked up off the shelf. After a quick review the incidents are: parental issues (Ronan and Jordan), relationships that ended disastrously (Don, Robert, and Jordan) and men who for whatever reason can't seem to TRUST anyone (Miguel and Jordan). Have you noticed anything?? I have. Jordan is in ALL THREE CATEGORIES!!!
Egads!
Having said that I just seem to be drawn to wordy guys who seem to be too far into their heads and too far disconnected from their hearts.
I am wondering if this is a sort of 'opposites attract' factor. I am often far too in my heart and not enough in my head. I struggle to make decisions and I give 2nd and 3rd and sometimes even 5th chances!!! It isn't a bad thing for my capacity to love and forgive and to be so genuine in my emotions...it is, however, not acceptable when I allow these qualities to become excuses for men treating me poorly.
There comes a time when everyone must grow up - not just mentally but also emotionally. Well my little chickens...the time is now for me.
I am about to embark on the greatest risk and change I have ever made in my life. I have spent 3 sleepless weeks struggling with what to do and all the time worrying if a move back home would lessen my chances of finding my mate. Well...fuck it.
Fuck men and fuck relationships and most of all fuck all the 'what if's'! This has to end at some point...there has to be a time when *I* live for the NOW! For what I know that I can do to take care of ME and to not just live for NOW but to live for LIFE and to make the decision and realization that the only person who is going to be looking out for ME and MY future is ME. There is no one else.
Dented cans of green beans are only going to keep me down and keep me wondering why I can't seem to see the quality good but only pick up the damaged ones. Dented cans of green beans can't see past their own hurts to embrace life and more importantly to embrace the life and joy that I exude.
So I've decided to stop shopping for a while, I am not even going to be heading down to the local corner shop for some instant gratification.
Side Note...I might have picked up a lil' somethin' somethin' earlier this week that left me satisfied and my sexual self confidence back on top! I have no idea if he is a dented can of green beans or not we didn't exactly get into anything deep that wasn't physically related ;)
So here it is - a decision to move back, a decision to go back to school and though I'm risking some 50K worth of debt I am also feeling pretty good that the schooling is getting me closer and closer to my dream of having a holistic place of work and really working with my passion of healing.
Am I scared...oh yeah. Am I excited...definitely. There is an entire grocery list of things I need to do to make all of this happen - including figure out if I'm going to be laid off from work or if I have to take the move back and work for a year or if I have to quit :( A LOT of decisions still to go through and a LOT of items I need to put ON the list and then scratch OFF the list.
I've had a great adventure here in Calgary and I think I've really learned a LOT about myself and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I keep getting put into positions where I start towards my goal and then I take steps backwards. I am now determined to walk firmly, strongly and purposefully towards my dreams of the H3 project and I refuse to let dented cans of green beans get in my way.
I have realized that I keep dating guys who seem to have a dark and twisty side to them and who have been through something quite profound in their past that leave them the dented cans of green beans that I picked up off the shelf. After a quick review the incidents are: parental issues (Ronan and Jordan), relationships that ended disastrously (Don, Robert, and Jordan) and men who for whatever reason can't seem to TRUST anyone (Miguel and Jordan). Have you noticed anything?? I have. Jordan is in ALL THREE CATEGORIES!!!
Egads!
Having said that I just seem to be drawn to wordy guys who seem to be too far into their heads and too far disconnected from their hearts.
I am wondering if this is a sort of 'opposites attract' factor. I am often far too in my heart and not enough in my head. I struggle to make decisions and I give 2nd and 3rd and sometimes even 5th chances!!! It isn't a bad thing for my capacity to love and forgive and to be so genuine in my emotions...it is, however, not acceptable when I allow these qualities to become excuses for men treating me poorly.
There comes a time when everyone must grow up - not just mentally but also emotionally. Well my little chickens...the time is now for me.
I am about to embark on the greatest risk and change I have ever made in my life. I have spent 3 sleepless weeks struggling with what to do and all the time worrying if a move back home would lessen my chances of finding my mate. Well...fuck it.
Fuck men and fuck relationships and most of all fuck all the 'what if's'! This has to end at some point...there has to be a time when *I* live for the NOW! For what I know that I can do to take care of ME and to not just live for NOW but to live for LIFE and to make the decision and realization that the only person who is going to be looking out for ME and MY future is ME. There is no one else.
Dented cans of green beans are only going to keep me down and keep me wondering why I can't seem to see the quality good but only pick up the damaged ones. Dented cans of green beans can't see past their own hurts to embrace life and more importantly to embrace the life and joy that I exude.
So I've decided to stop shopping for a while, I am not even going to be heading down to the local corner shop for some instant gratification.
Side Note...I might have picked up a lil' somethin' somethin' earlier this week that left me satisfied and my sexual self confidence back on top! I have no idea if he is a dented can of green beans or not we didn't exactly get into anything deep that wasn't physically related ;)
So here it is - a decision to move back, a decision to go back to school and though I'm risking some 50K worth of debt I am also feeling pretty good that the schooling is getting me closer and closer to my dream of having a holistic place of work and really working with my passion of healing.
Am I scared...oh yeah. Am I excited...definitely. There is an entire grocery list of things I need to do to make all of this happen - including figure out if I'm going to be laid off from work or if I have to take the move back and work for a year or if I have to quit :( A LOT of decisions still to go through and a LOT of items I need to put ON the list and then scratch OFF the list.
I've had a great adventure here in Calgary and I think I've really learned a LOT about myself and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I keep getting put into positions where I start towards my goal and then I take steps backwards. I am now determined to walk firmly, strongly and purposefully towards my dreams of the H3 project and I refuse to let dented cans of green beans get in my way.
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