The long look inside

Sooo. This week has been fraught with emotion. I'm suffering through the worst PMS I've ever had and yet I'm also tuning in with myself. I believe in serendipity. I believe that everything does happen for a reason and I'm becoming a bit more Spiritual in the last week or so.

Now I'm not praying to God or Allah or Buddha or anyone for that matter. I'm talking about just trying to BE and connect to the world around me.

On Tuesday I made sure to confirm with my RE:Life group for our special meeting of Life Mapping. I checked online and noticed the change of venue - but more than that, I learned that one of our members (whom I had not met) had died in a cycling accident on the Oregon coast. That night I took Tiernan out to the River Park but I was about an hour later than our regular time. As I made my way across the street to the park I noticed Caren and Caterina just entering the park.

Why was I an hour late? There was no reason. I wasn't caught up on the phone, I wasn't doing anything of note, there was no excuse other than my own lethargy preventing me from going at the regular time. I can't help but think that this was a great happening so that I could connect with Caren and Caterina outside of the Re: Life group. We spent 2 hrs talking and I learned quite a bit about Kitty - the girl that had died. I almost felt like I got to meet her from the way that Caren and Caterina were talking.

On Thursday I went to the Re:Life meeting and I was 15 minutes late. I was extremely frustrated and embarrassed and had a bit of a melt down. I was happy that they waited for me but I was flustered none the less.

The first half hour was spent as a memorial for Kitty and though I didn't know her...I couldn't stop the tears from flowing - especially during the song that Caterina had played. The song was soft and poignant and I'm sure under different circumstance it might even be uplifting. I mourned as if I knew her and felt very conflicted as I did so. Perhaps it was just that I could empathize with the group and felt their energy. Especially Caterina - who lost a good friend and potential mate in Kitty.

The next part of the meeting was spent Life Mapping. This was so incredibly hard for me because I had to look so far down inside myself. Now I'm not talking about your regular soul searching...I'm talking about the fucking Marianna's Trench of your very being. And that my little chickens...can be really dark and scary.

There was a sheet to work from that had 4 columns as follows:

GAP
Where do you feel ashamed or fear? What are you hiding?
___________________________________________________________________________

LIFE
What do you truly desire in your heart? What do you really want from Life?
_____________________________________________________________________________

BLESSING/TRUTH
How have we committed to help you turn from the Gap to Life?
______________________________________________________________________________

COMMITMENT
______________________________________________________________________________


The key here is to delve down into your very own Marianna's Trench and answer these questions honestly. Can you answer these? I won't lie to you chickens...I knew nearly immediately what my Gaps were and what I was hiding...and I cried. I cried because these are Gaps I have carried with me for nearly all my life and when I wrote them down it was like staring at my enemy right in the eye. It was nearly overwhelming.

I listed to the group share their Gaps and Life columns and I offered my blessings and commitment to those I felt comfortable doing so with. I was the last to share my Gap and Life columns and I only shared one of items I wrote down. It was the only one I wanted to share at that time and I will share it again here.

My biggest Gap right now is that both my physical and emotional houses are in shambles. I am letting my emotions rule me and I'm filling the emptiness inside me with food and lethargy. I am allowing my emotions to manifest physically into apathy, sloth and gluttony.

Soo. What do I truly want out of life in changing my gap? I want to clean these houses. I want to become more active physically and actively seek ways to control my emotions a bit more. I think that it's high time to figure out why I hide myself in my weight.

The Blessings and Encouragement that I received from the group was amazing. Especially from Josie whom I had met only once for 10 minutes. Ethan - who runs the group was particularly moving in his Blessing that he gave me.

Now I know I know we're using the word "Blessing" but it's more like a positive thought or wish for someone. This group is actually not religious at all. I'd say it's more Spiritual in that it accepts you no matter what religion you may or may not believe in. Being Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or Muslim it doesn't matter. Religion is not a part of what we discuss.

There are other items in my GAP and LIFE column and I was a bit too busy crying and trying to receive the blessings that I forgot to write them down in my Blessing/Truth column.

Now we come to the last column This one was already filled out with a pledge to the Re: Life village. This is basically up to the individual if they wanted to sign and commit to the group. The commitment could be through time, treasure or talent and it also states that there is no obligation or proof needed - it has stated that your actions demonstrate your commitment.

Of course I had no problems signing that. I have committed to this group wholeheartedly . I will try to do whatever I can to uphold the core beliefs of Compassion, Community and Communion (not in the Catholic way!!).

I can't help but think that this is the beginning of a fantastic relationship with my life and I can't wait to share this experience with others with the hope of helping them on their path as well.