The Gloves are coming off...

I've been afraid to write in here.

It's true...I know it's shocking, but it's true. It may be that I have given my blog site to too many people or perhaps it's the judgment that I fear. I am also afraid to write exactly what I'm feeling lately for fear that the grumpy pants haven't been put away yet.

Today I felt toxic. I wanted to scream at everyone I saw. Everyone.

I was given a ticket to the hockey game at around 10AM. The ticket was then rudely retracted at around 3PM. So instead of screaming at hot guys on ice...I decided that I needed some retail therapy.

The whole time I was shopping I kept thinking of an episode of What Not To Wear. It made me giggle...especially when confronted with my awful undies that I was wearing today. Maybe that's why I was so pissy today...I was wearing ugly undies.

I want to rant about men right now.

1) I am tired of meek men. I am a confident woman who enjoys being around confident people...men especially.
Most of my friendships are with very strong willed, strong minded, strong personality people. This makes for some volatile moments...but it is also the same reason why my friendships with these people are the most rewarding in my life.

2) I am tired of push push push to get into my puss puss puss. How about getting to know me? How about finding out THINGS about me....what I like to do on a Sunday, what I like to shop for the most, what I love to do in the quiet of the night when no one can see me?

3) I don't want to do all the work. I just don't. I don't want to be chased chased chased cuz that's the first thing that will make me run run run...but I'm not going to do it all either. I'm a bold person...I often make the first move. Well...I'm ready to come in 2nd in that one regard now.

4) Too into me...not into me. Wholly Jebus batman. One guy is too into me...Another guy is calling but can't actually make it to ONE date we've set up. Guy2 keeps asking me out...making plans...and then BAILING at the last minute. Fucking Dr's...I can't date a guy who's more wishy washy than me. After the hockey ticket bullshit...he's done.

5) DATING. Let's look at this word. It's not RELATIONSHIP. It's not COMMITMENT. It's DATING. This means hanging out with, having fun with, making out with....sometimes it might go a little further...but I've taken sex completely off the menu. No. No more sex until I, ME, KWERKIE, wants it. Just because you have an erection doesn't mean I have to do anything with it.

6) TIMING. I need a lot of ME time right now. I am not going out a lot during the week as I once did and my weekends needs to have a significant amount of Kwerkie time too. I am going NUTZ at work right now. I have been putting in a lot of overtime...at least 45 mins a day with WED night being the longest I've ever done in one day. At least the pizza was yummy. So when I say I'm busy or I want to have a night in by myself I don't want a guilt trip for it. Only one of the 2 have been respectful of that so don't think I am makin' stuff up.

*sigh* It's probably just too soon.

I was thinking about Ronan the other day...the waiting for sex...the wooing...the calls in the middle of the day. Now if only I can get the rest of the package too.

I also keep remembering this one day when he came out of the shower...but maybe I just miss the way my tummy would feel when I saw him naked.

*shakes head* There is much more that I want than just lust.

phone is ringing...ignoring it.

How about a great big cup of....

FUCK YOU to Mr. Fuck who lives on the 7th floor of my building.

Before you get all offended by my initial profanity, let me warn you that there will be plenty more where that came from!

Mr Fuck lives on the 7th floor as previously mentioned. He complains about EVERYTHING. When we finally got a lock for our dumpster out back, he complained loudly and wrote a nasty profane letter to our manager about the rust that was on the chain. Big deal! Who wears their Sunday Best to take out the trash?? If you get rust on your hands don't touch yourself! Wash your hands! Bring gloves or bring a rag to wipe your hands on.

Now this rant isn't about the fact that Mr. Fuck complained rudely about the rusty lock. And don't worry...he's not just Mr. Fuck because he pissed me off...a lot of reisdents call him 'Mr Fuck' because he actually goes around muttering "fuck, fuck fuck" all the time. I wondered at first if he might have OCD or Assburgers or maybe he really just is Mr.Fuck.

Well...last night CONFIRMS it. He is indeed Mr.Fuck because he's a Fucker.

I was doing laundry and going up and down the stairs all night. I also had my mobile phone with me. Well...I get back up to my apartment at around 9PM and realize that I must have left my phone in the laundry room. I'm not worried...the laundry room is locked and only residents can get in with a key. Also...my building ROCKS with loads of great neighbours....except for Old Lady Italy and Mr. Fuck...everyone is very friendly so the fear of theft wasn't there.

Well...I had the great misfortune of doing laundry on the same night as Mr. Fuck. So he finds my phone...and instead of leaving it the fuck alone...he decides to 'rescue' the phone.

I go down to the laundry room to get my phone and it's gone!!! WTF??? Ok...so I go upstairs and write a note and then head BACK downtstairs to leave this note on the washer. "Hi, it's Kwerkie from 5XX. If you found my mobile phone in here please return it to me. Thanks".

Well...10PM and no one has come around with my phone. I go down to the laundry room periodically and check. The note has been put in the garbage.

GRRRRR

So this morning I post a note in the elevator and on the ground floor in both stairwells asking for the safe return of my mobile.

I got home to this note:

Dear Kwerkie
I have your phone. I found it left irresponsibly in the laundry room. It was beeping annoyingly so I turned it off and brought it up to my place for safe keeping. I went to bed quite early and forgot about your phone until I saw your note this morning. If you would like to come and collect your phone it will be available between the hours of 8:30-9:30PM tonight.
By the way -the proper term is CELLULAR phone - NOT mobile phone.
Yours,
Mr. Fuck apt 7XX.

So...GREAT! My phone is held hostage until 8:30PM, It's SMALL...he could EASILY slip it through my mail slot. (our mail is delivered to every suite...we have slots in the door like a regular house). So WHY HASN'T HE DONE THAT???

I'll tell you why...cuz he's Mr. Fuck the Fucker!!

So I will go up at 8:30PM tonight to get my phone and I'm sure I will have to bite my tongue so I don't just say "Thanks!" Followed quickly by "And FUCK YOU MR FUCK -YOU FUCKIN' FUCK FUCK".

Hi, how ya doin? Good to see ya.

Hiya!

Remember me? The Kwerkie girl with the cute smile and the bubbly personality and the clever writing? I"ve been away for a bit,but...well...it's all Sunshine and Lollipops from here on in baby!

What about YOU? How have YOU been?

You may have noticed that I FINALLY have some links on here. Yes indeed. Sonny made that happen for me and I'm pretty chuffed about it. I don't even mind that he put his link first. teehee.


I know I haven't been posting much about all the sexy things I used to and it's partly because I haven't been feeling very sexy despite getting a bit of rumpy bumpy here and there and becoming closer friend's with my vibrator and busy little fingers.

Taking a lover and not being too committed is a LOT of work. A lot more energy than I'm actually willing to expend at the height of my very crazy busy season at work.

Simone and I were talking about taking a page out of Samantha's script and trying on the commitment phobe Lover Panties. This basically means taking a lover (or loverS) and just having sex with no emotions...no feeling...no commitment...no worries. Frankly, I just don't see it working for either of us.

Not to talk smack about Simone (cuz you know I love you) but she is a very emotional creature. Now I, on the other hand...can't control my emotions very well at all - so to say I was an emotional creature may be a bit of an understatement.

I've fucked like a man before. Taken taken taken and believed that in my taking I was giving. I'm sure Bentley (if indeed he read this) would nod his head in agreement. I can't help but feel that I was getting revenge for all the times I felt used.

But here's something I've come to accept in recent days. No one can make me feel anything that I don't want (or allow myself) to feel. I've heard it before...I've probably said it before, but it took my last visit to Thunder Bay to really hit home. (ha. Irony).

So right now I'm feeling pretty good. I have a great group of friends I like hangin' with and I am insisting on my own time too.

In fact...I feel so good that I might get another tattoo soon. One more milestone to mark...I AM in charge of my own life. I am going forward and though I haven't been submitting it here...I've been writing like a FIEND!

There is a secret I've been keeping...well...not really keeping it all to myself...I've told some people and have had some help with my secret project....I promise to reveal it all in good time. I just want to seal the deal as it were before blabbing on here.

Ok...more things to do before I hit the sack.

Ciao
Kwerkie

Us again! This time you can see Kirk behind Derek and Valerie  

My Peeps! (L to R = Kwerkie, Fi, Celia, Derek (in Kilt), Valerie, Luke, Britney.  

Fi and I showing off our Dancing Skillz 

Dancing Therapy!

I want to tell you about how I celebrated St. Patrick's Day this year.

I bought a ticket to the Pub Crawl that was put on by Bust Loose Travel. This is a pretty interesting tour company that specializes in University Crowd/Language School partiers. The average age of the Bust Loose booker is aprox 23.

I wasn't worried though...I was going with 6 people whom I know and I was certain that we would have a blast....and DID WE!

We all met at the Lamplighter Pub and dawned our oversized white painter suites, armed with markers, a free drink and some lube we started out night. I was scanning the crowd...was there a man worthy of my flirtations tonight?? There were some who showed potential but I was actually just happy to hang with my crew.

We chose Jody as our Bus Captain. This girl was HOT. She had the forethought to get her painter coveralls the night before and made a tight white mini dress...we were all very impressed. She was super fun and so we stalked her to Bus # 3. Us cool kids sat at the back of the bus while various language school students (Chinese, Japanese, French and Spanish) kids sat everywhere else.

I was feeling pretty buzzed by the time we got to our 2nd pub thanks to our Road Rockets I had along the way. They were playing some R&B/Hip Hop stuff and here is where I tell you that I actually LOVE to dance to that stuff. Sooooo....I buy a drink for Derek and myself and then head out to the dance floor. I proceeded to wow my peeps with my dancing skillz.

Those of you who've been out cuttin a rug with me know that I can't be expected to dance like a polite young lady. I need room to move...dancing requires the attention of my entire body. I need to just move move move. I don't think I am a particularly good dancer...but I couldn't give a rat's ass who thinks I"m a fly girl or a ummm...bad dancer girl.

I just basically move to the music how ever I want to and if it offends people...ha! who cares!

We hit 4 places in total, 3 of which were dance clubs and I didn't sit down ONCE. I got very drunk but hey...that's what St. Patrick's Day is for! I also won a cd....I haven't listened to it yet so I'll have to let you know what it's like. Judging by the song titles (eg "Our relationship is getting stronger with each golf game I play" ) I think it's more humour than anything note worthy. In fact...looking at it now I see it's the Bud Light Institute cd. oh joy!

I just can't tell you how FABULOUS it all was.

Here is the downside. I spent ALL morning Sat in the bathroom barfing...and guess what happened?? I pulled my back out!!

Saturday was fuzzy....I spent most of the day on pain killers. Finally a Tylenol 3 took the edge off then I went out to help Mick celebrate his birthday. I felt on the fringe for a while...it's a bit odd sometimes with The Clique...I feel like I'm cool kid the one day...happy cheerleader, and then the next I'm a nerd...a fringe dweller who laughs from the shadows.

The pain was coming back by 11PM and I caught a ride home with 2 other girls. By the time I got back to my apartment it was after 12AM and I was in agony.

Blue sky...nuthin' but blue sky

Today I am exceedingly happy!

I woke up at 7AM and wasn't hung over!
I had a lovely cuddle with Taliesin (my puma in case I haven't mentioned him before)
The Sun is Shining and there is Blue Sky as far as my peepers can see!

I am writing again...writing I tells ya! Words scrawled on sacred paper...happy blue ink winking at me, words flowing...I even used the word 'lithe' in a sentence...I like that word...it's a slow word, I like to linger over it.

The trees on my street have sprung blossoms and the cherry trees in particular make me happy. Pink to deeper pink. It reminds me of something Nelson once told me....that the pinks remind him of my delicate pink bits. The memory sends a spasm to those very delicate pink bits and this time there is no pang of angst or vexation that follows....just a memory and a lovely thought.

I am enjoying myself this week in a way I haven't in a long while. I am really feeling like I actually KNOW what I am wanting. I have made a list of things to accomplish before AUG and I believe that these are all very achievable.

1) I have decided to stay in my apartment and to show my commitment I am going next SUN to pick out paint chips and see what colours would suit best. I am leaning more towards a bright sunny colour in the living room (I"m thinking Yellow again) and I have definitely set my heart on a sagey green for my bedroom. The bathroom I think I will leave white only because there are too many colours competing for attention....cream bathtub, multi coloured white, pink, cream tiles on the floor, beiges, yellows, oranges in my shower curtain and of course toilet in it's 3 colours of bright white (too hard on my eyes), beige and brown.

My kitchen needs some lovin' too and I hate hate HATE my brown cupboards and snot green fridge & stove. What can I do with those colours?? I think about painting the cupboards but don't want to do a bad job of it. I wonder if I have to sand them down and then put a primer on and THEN paint. ANy advice??? What ties poo brown and snot green together? Pee yellow??

2) I am going to bring back the Kwerkie Deli at work. I hate having to go out for lunch all the time...it bugs me that we don't have a micro wave there so hot meals are out of the question unless I want to go and buy them. But it's spring!!! I will be brining leafy green and whole grains to the office and making my own lunches. It's much cheaper and right now even the 20 mins I spend going out to eat feels like precious time ticking away.


Ok...time to make breakfast and get things happening!

No, you can NOT go home again...

But you can go to the place where you were born, see some family and have a lovely visit.

My whirlwind trip back to Thunder Bay was so much better than I had even hoped for. I don't know where to start this so I think I'll just tell you as it pops into my head.

I am a bad Grand Daughter...but the one of the perks of being a Grand Daughter is that you are automatically forgiven for all your fox passes if you just ask for it. And really...it's so much simpler than even all that. I didn't even have to verbalize my request to my Mum's parents. It was in my hugs and the fact that when Grandpa make a joke about one of our camping trips I teared up a little bit...just being overwhelmed by all the memories. He just hugged me and laughed and gave me one of his signature "Ehhhhs". He's like the Fonz that way...but older and wrinklier.

My Grandma C needed me to say the words and I don't blame her. Once the words were out her forgiveness was faster than my stammered apology. It was completed the next day when we had a huge hug and she held me tight as I cried.

I found out that where I am from doesn't actually define me. My cousins are the perfect example of that. Education is the key here...I think I have a fairly good speaking voice and I believe that my choice of words adds colour to my stories. My cousins sound very much like they are from Thunder Bay. There was a hole of "eh?'s" and even the dreaded "I was giviner down the road" thrown into the stories. Wowzah. The accent alone was enough to make my ears hurt a bit.

Still...I don't want to talk too much smack. I was delighted to see my Grandparents...all 3 of them (Grandpa C died 8yrs ago...coincidentally it was the last time I went back to Thunder Bay).

I felt skinny when I was there...which isn't 'a good thing. I am chubby for sure. I need to get my ass back at the gym 4 times a week fo sho mo fos. But wow...people in Thunder Bay were ROTUND! Yeah..that's right...I'm not going to cushion this with Rubanesque or any of the other cutesy names I could...it was FAT CITY.

So here is what I have learned. My Mum is to blame for cutting my Dad's parents out of our lives until I was 14yrs old. After that...it's all me.

I still like to defer to my older brothers in matters of ...ummm....lots. I was going to say family decision making but that's not entirely true. Yes I am my own person...but I was very much the younger child in Thunder Bay. I almost felt like I was 12...free of responsibility but still vocal enough in my own right.

I have also learned that I have the power of forgiveness to give as well.

I'm not going to get into it...it's pointless now as things happened so long ago and I have come to that wonderful place of forgiveness so let's just say that I now only have one more Uncle to forgive and we'll see how I go with that one. It took me over 15 years to forgive my Aunt's husband...we'll see how long it takes to forgive my Mum's twin.

I don't have to think of Thunder Bay as 'home'. It's not home. But it does have some redeeming features...namely it is the home of my Grandparents whom I love very much and who's unconditional love and forgiveness was the best part of my trip.

Is it true??? Can you never go home again?

In 4 days I"m going back to Thunder Bay to celebrate my Grandma's 90th Birthday. I am feeling a bit anxious about it for a few reaons.

I'm not a good grandchild. Oh sure I had my moments of excessive cuteness and my fair share of accomplishes...but I haven't done any sort of family duty in the past 12 years or so. I never call. I rarely email. I don't send cards or gifts or anything. It's not that I don't love my grandparents and it's not that I don't think of them...in fact I often have very lucid dreams about them...especially both of my grandmothers.

I have some bits of my past that I have felt like I have delt with as much as I can at the moment...mayby this trip will help me let it go. I sometimes fear that I will turn into my mother and be a Bitter Betty.

I see it in other people I know as well. I fear my grumpy pants have been on long enough. Even my BOSS comented today that I"m not as shiny and new as I once was...what has happened to my bubbles?

So tonight I came home...took a VERY long and VERY hot shower and then I proceeded to scrub the grumpy off of me. Tonight I will be going to bed at a very reasonable time and then I will wake up and feel fresh. I have my outfit all picked out and I will be every so cute! I shall do my make up and my hair and I will be pleasant and witty to everyone.

I had a fabulous dinner....leafy greens!! With chicken!! yummm

Thunder Bay will be a test of the grumpy pants for sure...but I am determined to find myself at last.

Mariah Carey is on to something

I gotta shake it off

"Boy I gotta shake you off

Gotta do what’s best for me

Baby and that means I gotta

Shake you off"

Don't get me wrong...I'm not just talking about Bentley or Ronan or Nelson or any of the men that have passed through in the last little while. I'm talking about much more than that...about the funk I'm in, the lethargy, the agnst. I'm talking about the pressure from myself, my family and the world.

I can't believe I just quoted Mariah....ah well. The words speak to me and can 3 grammy's really be compltely wrong?

I am going to head over to the Vancouver Aquatic Centre in a bit to have a swim, a hot tub and a steam room. I found out that because of all the groups I send there I get to go for free once a month. Yeah free!

Soooo...is this a 1/3rd life crisis? Should I do something outrageous? Should I be trying to date younger men or looking at buying an expensive car or maybe walking around saying wibble???

Two shots of happy....one shot of sad.