Instant Potatoes...Instant Gratification...Instant Mum???

Ok...so I've not been as forthcoming with a lot of Mattia's details for a few reasons. Mostly I just didn't want everyone to suddenly scream RED FLAG! five times.

I'm sure you are wondering why you'd say it 5 times. Perhaps I think you'd say it once for every child he has. Yes...that's right...Mattias has 5 children. He got his girlfriend pregnant when they were both teenagers. He married her to 'do the right thing' and so his oldest boy is now 14. 2 years into the marriage they split up and then divorced. He then met another woman and was together with her for 7 years and had 2 children, then split with her...but in one drunken night they got back together in the bedroom and....WHAM...along came twins. He ended up staying with her for 11 years in total. He never married the mother of his 4 other children and has been split from her for a few years so I feel OK about dating him.

So in order they are : Darrin 14yrs old, Luke 10, Marry 8, Jack and Emma turning 6 on Tues.

I got to meet Luke, Marry and Emma today and they are, in a word, ADORABLE. They seemed to like me too so that was alright. I was COMPLETELY nervous and when Emma grabbed my hand to walk with me and she discovered; much to my embarassment, that my hand was all sweaty! teehee. Ah well.

We had a very nice night and it was all very cool. Mattias and I were completely hands off so there was no wierd moments etc and I was introduced to his kids as 'a good friend'. I will spend the day with them tomorrow and will be meeting Darrin as well.

I don't know what to make of it really. I was very nervous but it worked out all right. When Emma held my hand I just melted. Marry was awesome as well and I really did try to make sure that I gave all of them my attention equally. That was surprisingly challenging as they were all asking me different questions at the same time.

Am I ready to be a sort of instant Mum? I know I'm not their Mum and I don't want to BE their Mum, but it may take me a while to get used to the whole package deal here. It's not just the whole meal deal...it's Super Sized with FIVE children!

I'm going to keep an open mind and just see how things go. I get stupid giddy just even talking to Mattias so I would kinda like to keep him around.

I'll keep ya posted!

Zen and other states of bliss

So I've decided to just wing it. Yup...that's right...no plan, no thinking (well...not OVER thinking anyway) and just let it BE! I'm enjoying the time I spend with Mattias and it doesn't hurt that he's a wicked kisser (yumm) and that he makes me laugh so hard my stomach hurts!

We've been seeing quite a bit of each other and it's always very relaxed and very fun. Will we be able to hold out until NOV to have sex??? I doubt it. Let's just say that the way the making out sessions have been going...and the fact that I leave for Costa Rica in T Minus 3 days...well...I suspect that we will be swapping a bit more than just spit in the very near future.

Now....this brings me to another tangent.

Sex...specifically orgasms and in detail...mine and the lack thereof.

I've entered another slump in the sack. Maybe I've been damaged since the bent wookie episode. I haven't been able to reach orgasm since! No toys, no fantasies, no memories seem to be doing the trick. Granted I had a period of 2 weeks where I was feeling decidedly UNsexy and then I had my period...but still...wtf???

After last Sat and the serious make out session with Mattias...I went to bed and thought I'd just finish myself off so that I could a) stop being so phreakin' frustrated and b) sleep. Well...I ended up just making myself MORE frustrated by getting soooo sooo sooooo close and not being able to crest over the edge that sleep completely elluded me that night.

Mattias and I have fooled around quite a bit and I'm sure you're not surprised to learn that he's had a number of orgasms and yet despite his valliant, persistant and rather thorough efforts...I have not been able to squish my face up, make completely incoherent noises and feel my muscles spasm in the most delicious way!

*le sigh* I think I need to stop thinking about that too.

Be careful what you wish for...

So I am recently discovering that when you shake your fist at The Universe it tends to wrap your knuckles pretty hard.

After the weirdness with Max, I said the following outloud to The Universe : "I am taking a break from men, dating and sex for about 6 months."

This seemed like a logical thing to do. I want to take some time to get back to me, get back to the gym, get back to kickin' some butt at work and just take time for myself. I get cranky when I try to spread myself too thin....work, family and friend commitments...sometimes I just need some serious ME time.

Sooo...about 1 week after I said this we had a Softball Tournament and Matias was one of our subs. He's a nice guy, very cute, very funny and all I could think of was "No phreakin' way! I"m taking a break".

Though I was pleasant to Mattias and extended him all the comraderie that I do with the other people on my team, I didn't make any other special efforts to include him in conversation or even flirt with him. I was taking a break.

Most of us on the ball team belong to an online social club. It's like a message board and we often have get togethers and organize things like softball teams, curling teams, sea wall walks etc etc. It's a great bunch of people and I've met some serious Keepers through this site. (No, it's not a dating site).

As we're talking about this Mattias asks about it and I offer to invite him into our little Clique. (teehee). So I do. Mattias comes on board and is nearly a full fledged member of our Softball Team. We have been flirting outrageously for a week.

I am still not sure I want to be dating...but it is fun to flirt and he makes it soooo easy. Calls me Beautiful and Pretty Lady and has even given me gifts of high quality clothes! He calls me...he texts me and it's very easy to call and text him back and just flirt flirt flirt.

And here is the kicker. I LIKE that he calls and texts and is flirty with me. I like that he says he looks forward to talking to me.

Soo...wtf?? Universe!! I thought you WANTED me to take a break. Is this a test? Should I be walking away from this to show you how strong I can be? Or are you telling me to stop being silly and stop cutting myself off from fun and happiness?

I really want to be all Winnie The Pooh about this. When I stop looking for it isn't it supposed to just show up? Has Mattias just shown up?

Shouldn't this be harder? I'm suspicious that it's too easy.

It actually WORKED!

So this past weekend I had a softball tournament. We totally sucked ass at the tourney but we all had a LOT of fun and laughs and of course beer. But the BEST part of the weekend was actually getting over what I had not been able to before.

I did it. ON Thurs I really did wash that guy right out of my hair!!

Max came to ball on Friday and though he ignored me until the 5th inning in the end...I didn't care. I went over at the end of the game to talk to him, we hugged it out and *poof* just like that....I was done!

He played with us all day Sat and then I saw him at Sin City on Sat night WITH Peggy and *poof* just like that...I was OK. Peggy even helped me out with my boots and I didn't have a single urge to kick her in the head! It was like magic! I just let it go and I feel soooo much better for it.

Maybe it's because on Thurs night I made a decision to NOT date anyone for 6 months. I am just not wanting to put myself out there right now and to be honest, I'm really busy with work and ball and lots of summer social things. I have no time to date or get to know someone intimately.

If someone *AMAZING* comes along in the interim...fine. However, I'm not looking and I'm not actively doing anything to meet anyone and I'm totally OK with that.

I think I need to take longer showers more often!

All in a lather

Alright. I admit it. I can’t seem to let this one go and even thought I KNOW it’s silly and a complete waste of my time…I just haven’t been able to shake Max out of my system. Maybe I just need to take a long shower. Go all South Pacific on this one and ‘wash that man right out…”. Problem is…I like him. I’ve liked him (all very secret squirrel like) for a while (since January if I want to be totally honest). I think what I am objecting to the most is the bad drunk sex…I won’t get a do-over in a proper way and it bugs me.

In other news…LadyK is moving away and this makes me very sad. For completely selfish reasons of course…but this is my blog so I can be selfish if I want!

Before LadyK moves she is going on a 2 month adventure to Gay Paris! Oooh La La! (start reading this with an Inspector Clusseax accent).

Madame K will goh tu Paris and ….uhhh…’ow you say visit wid TinFoil. Zen she will be gohing tu all ze art muzeeums et cafés and be drinking wine and eating of the…ummm…’ow you zay cheeses??

I must admit to being a bit envious of LadyK and her exciting adventure. However, let me qualify that by saying that 1) this is going to be sooooo good for her and 2) I am happy that she is taking on this exciting journey for herself.

I guess that’s one trait I am very proud of. I actually DO want the best for my friends and loved ones. This isn’t just lip (or finger) service…this is the real meal deal. The reason I mention this is that I believe THIS is the reason why I haven’t been able to let go of Peggy’s comments to me.

I may have failed to mention that Peggy wrote me an email asking about the status between Max and I so that she can ‘emotionally prepare’ herself for what might occur during our camping trip. (10 of us went camping). I couldn’t help but interpret this to mean ‘don’t date Max’. And it was reinforced when we went camping and Max opted out of sleeping in my tent so that Peggy wouldn’t be ‘uncomfortable’.

At the end of Peggy’s email came the tag line “…not that I wouldn’t want happiness for my friends”.

Well…let’s just see. Max and I were secretly seeing each other since Whistler. Oh yes…Max is my Whistler Romp. (and it was a great weekend despite the state of the wookie). He was probably spending less time with her than she was used to. After they broke up they continued to be great friends and Max was still over at her place (or she at his) quite often. Sooo...if she wanted him to be happy, why wouldn’t she be happy for him to move on and date someone who was interested in him? Could it be, maybe, just maybe, that even though she didn’t want to date Max anymore, she just didn’t want him to stop doing all the things he was for her?

Maybe I’m off base here, but somehow I suspect I’ve hit the nail on it’s rather large, jealous and manipulative head.

Now. Having said allll of this, let’s not absolve Max of the situation. After all, he’s an adult and can make adult decisions about things pertaining to his own life. By choosing to sleep in Peggy’s tent at camping the message he was sending me is “I’m just not that into you and I’m obviously hoping that Peggy’s jealous fit means she wants me back”.

Max did come to my tent to check on me and to talk to me and to say that things were cool between us (wtf?) and that it was only to give Peggy time to get used to things. Hmmm…do I believe him? Not so much.

So…here is what it boils down to:

1) Peggy only wants what SHE considers to be best for her friends…stuff that works for her. Not altogether altruistic.

2) Max is holding out hope that Peggy will take him back

3) I deserve better than all of it.

Now…where did I put my lovely coconut smelling shampoo???

Kwerkie Karma

Right...I want to talk about accountability.

I know that a lot of people read my blog and 95% of the people that do I happen to know. Some of them are very good friends of mine, some of them are mere aquaintances and some of them I just know by proxy. There are, of course, some that I do not know. Everyone is welcome to read this.

I'm not ashamed of what I say on here and I don't believe that I spew any venom on this site. I want to be pretty clear that The Single Files has never been about making people feel shitty. I actually have a genuine fondness for most people and will treat everyone with kindness, love and respect as I expect to be treated in return. I will trust you until the day you give me reason not to.

HOWEVER. I know that I need to be accountable for the words that come out of my fingers. I know that sometimes; though it may not be my intention, I do hurt people's feelings. Regardless of intent, it happens.

This site (for me) is not about creating stress, hurt or animosity. This is me working my thougths out. Let's face it...over the last 4 months my writing on here, though more prolific, has not been at it's Mae West. I am using The Single Files to have poor me moments a lot lately and to write down some of the things that are bugging me in recent weeks.

If someone whom I know and love were to read this and find something perhaps a bit unfavourable written about them, then the way I see it is they have 2 choices.
1) Talk to me about it privately or in a comment here (fair is fair afterall)
2) Ignore it and understand that whereas I may have written something about them on a certain date at a certain time that it could just be me writting out my thoughts and I may have just sorted out my feelings and no longer hold the negative opinion etc.

Blogs are funny things. They are private thoughts shared publically. Would I be saying these things directly to the people involved?? Sometimes. But as with most things in life, it depends on situations, timing and whether or not I want a resolution.

If you think that I get fairly personal on here...you should read my journal! (well...no one should really...it's my one place to go completely nutzo without any concequences).

So I try to keep things light and airy on here as much as possible while delving into my deeper thoughts/fears/anger on ocasion. This is so that I can continue to keep some of my Kwerkie Karma points.

Read. Comment. But above all : Enjoy.

A funny thing happened on the way to the theatre.

Today I took my Mum out to see "Cabaret" (Currently playing at The Stanley Theatre until mid June). It was a FANTASTIC show! I was impressed with the set, the choreography and the singing!! I couldn't stop tapping my foot along and staring at the costumes wishing I had fluffy panties too.

However, before I get too into my love of burlesque...let me tell you about what happened 5 minutes before I entered the Theatre.

I was walking down the street with my Mum, her arm in mine as I helped her lumber along. I felt pretty...my hair and make up done nicely and I was wearing a lovely spring skirt and somewhat low top that made me feel tres springy...a contrast to the grey day it was outside. So I am confident and feeling good and I happen to catch the eye of a fella walking down the street. We make eye contact, both smile and I wish I could have blushed because he was quite handsome and it would have been cute to be coy.

He's tall, has broad shoulders, chocolate hair, eyes and skin. He had a fabulous smile. He walks by and we both the do turn-around. Nice. I even wink and he waves...we're disgustingly cute and flirty.

And then I walk Mum into the theatre and just smile...feeling good about the flirtyness and happy to leave it as is. I get Mum and some coffees and we flip through the program and talk to fellow patrons. I do love the theatre and hob-nobbing with like minded peeps.

Then something unexpected happens. Mr. Chocolate came into the theatre! Wow...what luck! We smile, he winks, I wave. A part of me wanted to cringe at how juvenile is all seemed. A short pixie like blonde woman comes over, links her arms in his and he leans over and gives her an all encompassing hug all the while making eye contact with me. And then I notice it...his wedding band. Wow...what luck!

So after the show I had some time to reflect on the weeks gone by and I realized that I attract and are equally attracted to, men who are not available for one reason or another. Max is still in love with Peggy, Marco was not ready and Mr. Chocolate was married.

Now I'm not fooling myself into thinking that there was anything that was ever really between any of the aforementioned men, but it DOES make me think (and as we all know, thinking is so important) and here is what I've come up with. STOP THE MADNESS!

That's right...dating is now off the menu. What I am offering instead is a smorgasborg of the following: Softball, Gym, Yoga, Reading and Rollarblading. Most of these involve my friends so I feel very good about still being social and not being all 'cavey'.

Life is a Cabaret Old Chum...Come to the Cabaret!

Eminem's best song...

I haven't really been able to have a Do-Over with Max (as I've decided to call him), nor am I likely to get another chance. Apparently Eminem is right...you DO "only get one chance do not miss your shot"

I did get a semi-do-over...kinda like re-writing a pop quiz that won't actually count towards your grade. It was not the smartest thing I've ever done...makin' on Max in his house while he was HOSTING a birthday party for his ex-girlfriend whom I think he's still very much in love with.

Yeah...how many shots did I drink? Enough to think a) it would be a good idea to flirty madly with him and kiss him and b)that he was actually totally into me and not just going through the motions.

Hmmm...can we guess how this turned out?

At some point in the evening I decided I needed to sober up. This turned out to be the STUPIDEST thing to do in a night of constant disasters! It would have been better if it all happened in a drunken haze...I might have even forgotten about it all.

The Ex-Girlfriend (let's call her Peggy) has a 4yr old son who is at the party and watching all the drinking and debauchery go on. (Do NOT get me started on this) So Brady (the 4yr old) is relegated to Max's room and Peggy goes into his room and lays down. (At first I didn't think anything of this...but now I realize that she was waiting for him to join her....who doesn't want birthday sex? even from someone that you broke up with?)

So Max blows up an air mattress and we share it in the living room. We're making out and he was very cute and bit my nose. Tres cute. We're fooling around and things are nice.
I'm about to cum...like seriously very close to cuming and then...then....Peggy opens up the bedroom door and let's her rat-dog out. So Max stops and I'm left at the very edge and then it's like the air was let out of my balloon. FRUSTRATION! I would like to point out that Max got to have a lot of fun...twice.

My do-over is done!

The next day Max acted very cool towards me and when I called him on it he apologized and explained that he just didn't want to hurt Peggy's feelings...it being her Bday and all.

Soooooo

The week progress and basically....here is the situation. I believe that Max is still in love with Peggy. Peggy is upset with me because I didn't ask PERMISSION (wtf???) to date Max and at the end of the day I have decided that I deserve much better and am moving on.

On-The-Rebound: I can't decipher your cryptic comment, however, I do hope that your day improved and that your original task was completed.