What is enough?

For the last few weeks...probably closer to a month or more if I really think about it...I have been feeling less than enough.

I have entered the Winter of my funk and I can't seem to shake it. I've tried eating salads...these always seem to lighten my moods...but frankly my forage into foilage was not doing it. I have tried having a lot of sex, and despite it being very satisfying, I can't get out of this funk! Sadly even though Bentley is going down...it is not pulling me up.


If love is not enough and sex is not enough and salads aren't doing any tricks...what the hell is wrong with me?

I'm leaving tomorrow on a work trip and I can't be arsed to do ANYTHING to get ready for it. I can't look at my clothes ridden floor to find anything suitable to wear. I am going to the Happiest Place On Earth...yes...Disnayland and I just want to cave. That's right...you heard me...CAVE.

I need a week off of life. No work, no people, nothing. I just want to hide in my cave and maybe cry a bit...or maybe just eat leafy greens or maybe I'll just hole up at the gym and DEAL with the weight that I'm packing on.

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Three Weeks Later....


I STILL can't shake this thing. I've been sick, seemed to be getting better and then sick again. I have had the worst sinus infection cold thingy ever! I don't tend to get sinus colds...I don't think I want to ever again! It was awful to fly with being all stuffed up. I thought my forehead was going to explode!

I'm still dating Bentley though I suspect that I will end it soon. Nothing I am doing seems right so I think I just need to NOT do some things.

I have spent most of my day doing laundry. It's a Saturday so the laundry room wasn't too busy and I even left one washer available for my neighbour. It has taken me 5 hrs to do 6 loads of laundry. I think I have washed everything that I own. Well...not everything as I still have a blanket and 1 sheet left to wash but I'll save that for next week.

I have also cleaned my kitchen and my bedroom. I feel miles better for doing this though I still have a lot of cleaning left to do. I really need to sweep, vaccuume and mop. PLUS I need to clean the bathroom. I think those will fill my day tomorrow.

Tonight I'm just gonna chill out. My next door neighbour has invited me for drinks and a movie. He is really cool and we have a lot in common. Both of us are going through weirdo times right now.

In all my funk what is MOST surprising to me is this. I can't stop thinking about Nelson. I know...it's so silly! It's been 2 years and I am still just as wiggy about hin as I was the day we broke up. I wish I could just get over it. We weren't together for very long and he wasn't very open or honest with me....so WHY am I still hung up on him??

I think about Ronan too. Mostly wonder how he's doing and wishing him the best. I am sad things didn't work between he and I but I couldn't compromise anymore of myself. I had lost myself...I still don't feel very 'found'.

With Bentley things are...well...they just are. I feel apatheti mostly. I'm not feeling anything, I'm not excited to see him, I'm not unhappy to see him...I do have a good time with him...but I am just not feeling the OOOOMPH.

I guess I just need to take some time and figure this stuff out.

Blahhhhhh